| The details...
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:02:53 PM | I'm not really sure how to put this, but do you pay much attention to what people tell you before a first date, i.e., if the things they say add up? Now, sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between your own suspiciousness and what's actually real. You might even turn into some kind of detective and look for reasons to call it off, maybe because of pride because you don't want to appear naive and date somebody who's been bullshi.tting you all the time. In other words: you don't want to give that person the satisfaction of getting away with everything.
This is basically an open subject to be discussed. The reason I bring this up is that I've found myself having a rather hard time lately analysing things that people (women) tell me and I've called off several dates because of the details that simply don't add up. Just share some of your thoughts... | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:08:31 PM | Rather than call things off, have you thought to ask for clarification?
^^BG^^ | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:14:52 PM | Batgirl does have a point - I'd contact them just to make sure it wasn't just a misunderstanding.
However, if you are to the point that you are questioning constantly a date, then it probably is for the best. Over time, there has to be some trust. However, I must ask ... I wonder if it is you that is dodging a bullet or whether it was the women. You're never going to have all of the answer in life, and the world doesn't always come wrapped in a bow. To me, it's important that I find a woman that understands that as well.
edit: And the part about "satisfaction of getting away with stuff?" Isn't that just code for mind games. Personally, I'd rather leave that line of thought at the door - and you might want to start to do the same. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:30:13 PM | I pay attention to all the details. If you're thinking what they say doesn't add up, listen to yourself. Some people can be very slick liars and make you question your reality.
That being said, it might be helpful if you gave an example of what people (women) tell you that you find hard to believe. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:48:57 PM | | Before the date, the detail is whether or not they will show up for the date. If they say they will, and then they do, the detail was proved true. I do not begrudge someone a tall tale as long as it is interesting or instructive. White lies are no good after Labor Day. If she's a fibber, she had better also be a mcgee. She's welcome to pull my leg, if you know what I mean. I'd prefer she not yank my chain until we establish the rules and roles in the bedroom. On the date she can say anything she wants and I won't hear it anyway if she has a pretty mouth. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:24:18 PM | yes, I do pay attention-especially to whether or not they have FOLLOW-THROUGH. Did they call when they said they were going to? If not, did they apologize for not keeping their word and explain themself? Did they send that link, pic, or whatever else it was they promised? Or...did they go along as if they never offered that little something of an action, thinking-'aah, it's no biggie!', or make excuses for themselves over and over? If they are chronic 'excusers', well then, unless there's illness or death going on in their lives, you pretty much know where your importance ranks w/ them, Yeah, in the big picture, it IS no biggie that they didn't send that link they promised, but their lack of regard for their own word, and lack of integrity IS A BIG DEAL, and things can be expected to continue at the same rate of laissez- faire, with you expected to eat your 'what's going on here?' feelings each and every time. I agree, it's wise to pay attention to all the little signals-they add up for better or worse. Good for you for noticing that  | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:05:37 AM | Do I pay much attention to what a woman tells me before a date? Yes. The reasons are two-fold:
1. Listening is the vital part of communication. If I don't listen, and she picks up on it, then that puts me in a bad light in the communication department. On the other side of it, if I can recall what she said before, then that works out well. The same would hold true for a woman who listens or doesn't listen to me.
2. As you mentioned, to verify she's honest and not blowing smoke. If things don't add up, then I ask for clarification. If it's still evident that she's dishonest, then I move on. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:11:19 AM | | It's important to listen and remember what is being said, I've caught a couple guys in lies and was glad I had not gotten into anything to serious with them. The only problem is taking it to the extreme and over analizing things and details, sometimes poeple are nervous and what they wrote can be misinterpreted, you need to find a balance, but I tend to follow my gut instinct on things. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:08:56 AM | I always listen to the details. I have a great memory and if something doesn't add up, then I will question it. Maybe you should try that because, depending on the communication method, some details may have been left out of the original story but it doesn't make it false.
I especially pay attention to things on their profile that they answer but turn out to be lies. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:27:34 AM | | Oh yeah I pay attention! I started all of this rather naively assuming (there’s that word) that people pushing 50 would be above this crap, what I learned is they are only better at it! I have also become pretty creative in how I find out what it is that I need to know and bowing out with grace without turning it in to a confrontation. I don’t want to waste energy proving I’m right to someone I don’t care to see. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:42:20 AM | | I'd call it off if there was a glaring inconsistency, or multiple minor inconsistencies... but I'd be sure first that these weren't misunderstandings on either my or his part. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:05:01 AM | Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this...
I think that the longer you talk to somebody, the harder it is to let go. Although there's never a reason to expect people to be honest and upfront about everything, but if the two of you are going to meet up, you certainly expect SOME, or perhaps a lot of honesty to make it interesting to set up a date in the first place. Everybody wants to appear as innocent and snow white as possible before a date, that's clear, but not all of us have the same pride either. I'm sure that there are people out there who would put up with almost anything and I definitely don't belong to that category.
Anyway, I think that MY "problem" tends to be that I simply analyse too much. I spend too much time turning every rock so to speak in order to find something - a lie or whatever to call it off. When, or if, I DO find something that doesn't add up I will confront them and the discussion goes on and on and there's an argument - obviously on the phone since I'm talking about before the date has actually taken place. I guess my thinking, or question perhaps, was that maybe I should relax and cool off more instead of taking it so damn seriously..? | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:19:01 AM | | I keep track of details, keep messages, archives, etc. and when something strikes me as odd, I go back and compare. I am actually wrong some of the time (lol). Lying is a huge issue for me so I try to determine as soon as possible if the person is honest and open. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:34:40 AM | I don't keep track of the details like a detective working on cracking a case, but I do keep my mind open when still getting to know someone. Generally if people are lying to you they get caught up in their own lies eventually. Also MOST (but not all) people's intuition is actually correct. If you get the feeling someone is lying to you but you can't really put your finger on it, for most people they actually turn out to be right.
Now there are some people whose intuition is just wrong as hell, so it doesn't work for them. But if I start getting the feeling things just aren't adding up, I'll step away. I might not be able to put my finger on it, but something just isn't right and I don't want any part of it.
But that said I really don't put much faith into what people tell me before meeting them anyway. I go into first dates with zero expectations, so details really aren't even an issue unless they 'forget' they are married or attached. Only once it goes beyond that do I start to worry about intuition. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:39:51 AM | Clarification is good......but then again if you find the details in everything dont add up...I'd say its YOU ,and not them.
Those that look for fault ALWAYS find it!! | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:54:53 AM | | hmmm.... sounds like you are cynical and skeptical and/or just plain insecure and scared.... seriously... searching for some reasons, any, to get out of meeting... what are you hiding? I cant think its everyone else... maybe what's not adding up is YOU | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:20:30 PM | I think women should be more cautious than guys "when things don't add up".
I've never been suspicious of women I'm to meet till I do.
I mean are you worried you'll be mugged by a girl or something?
I'm thinking you're not so much cautious as shy and nervous about the meet up...
and looking for any reason to bail.
Work on that.
And if you must,
carry a Tasar for your protection.
LOL | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:25:20 PM | I am with you on better being safe than sorry - but there definitely comes a point when you have to jump in and get offline.
And - do the details not add up because you have lost track? Or if talking to numerous people you have just mixed them up? If it's all rubbish it'll all be exposed sooner or later, just don't go wiring money to their bank account in the meantime...
As Max Frisch said “Technology is the knack of arranging the world so that we don’t have to experience it.”
(My full rant on meeting online folks is on - http://metanotherfrog.com/?p=665) | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:33:35 PM | | I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Rather than looking for details that do not add, look for the things that are good, that feel good, that seem to connect. If all you are doing is looking for the negative, everything will seem negative. But if you look for all the positives and everything looks positive the red flags for negative stuff will now jump and you will easily discern them. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:04:47 PM | I am usually nervous on a first date so I tend to ramble and do not scrutinize everything. Sometimes it can take a few dates before I have clarified a lie. In my heart of hearts, I never accuse unless I am sure so yea things are not always obvious.
I am expecting people to tell me the truth so I think for the most part they do.
The only thing that surprises me really is that people tend to lie about their intentions.
I would think middle aged people would look for birds of a feather?
 | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:25:36 PM |
but do you pay much attention to what people tell you before a first date, i.e., if the things they say add up?
Not really.
But I don't hang around and talk online, on the phone, or via text/im.
I don't have to build a profile before setting eyes on them.
I don't have to build a pseudo relationship or check off a characteristics list.
The only time I really pay attention is in person.
Before meeting them I have no context or comparison to judge the veracity of what they say.
They may say on monday they work as an architect. They may say wednesday they work at mcdonalds. And it might not come to my attention immediately to ask them as the focus or point of the email/phone call may be completely unrelated to them telling me their job. And I don't want to fill in the conversation in my own head based on my own fears. For all I know they have two jobs.
I can't measure if things add up, because I don't know what all the variables are. 2+2 = 4, but IMO what you are adding up (before a first date) is x+2+2+2+2... = red flag, and you only think you know what x is. And there may be other variables.
Before a first date the only thing I really pay attention to is if I want to go meet someone new and go in without an idea of who I think they are.
They have absolutely no onus to be completely truthful to me.
And it is unrealistic to believe they are perfect individuals that aren't more comfortable in telling me something false or dismissive than telling me to mind my own business. | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:08:58 PM | | I keep track of things said...if upon meeting or further discussion, I get conflicting info, I ask for clarification...if I have to ask for clarification too often, I ask what's going on, and if he doesn't come clean (I was trying to impress etc etc), or avoids the subject, I'm pretty much done. I don't have room in my life for lies | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:44:35 AM | Okay, I think that everybody's made good points in this thread.
As for asking for clarification, sure I've done that many times but the answers haven't really been satisfactory, and I don't necessarily mean in one specific case but in general. I said earlier that everybody wants to appear as innocent and snow white as possible and that's where the answer lies I guess. This is especially true for women. It's like men are supposed to carry the whole responsibility, or burden, in case a conversation for example turns into something "unexpected", or if a date did so. I'm sure you know what I mean... | |
|
| The details...
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:14:40 PM | Not something I ever really think about. I have a finely-tuned BS meter, and it goes off, in most cases, before a person even open his/her mouth.
In any case, I'll just ask the normal, "get to know you" questions, and if the meter goes off I'll just circle around until I get contradictory answers, subtly let her know I'm on to her, and then never call again. | |
|
Home
login 
