| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:11:33 AM | One question that seems to come up repeatedly in the forums, especially in the over 30 category, is where to meet people. And a common response that is given is to do what you enjoy, maybe join some clubs or groups (like meetup), with the idea that you may meet someone else who shares your interest(s), but if you don't, at least you did something fun.
In general, I tend to agree with that approach. After all, life is for living, right? So why not do things you enjoy?
However, recent experiences have made me start to wonder if that is really such a good approach for dating. I think that, unless you have a fairly wide range of interests in hobbies, when you do things you enjoy, chances are that you will develop a somewhat limited circle of friends who share your interest(s). And if you start to date within that circle and it doesn't work out, things could get messy to the point where you could lose or have to give up not only the friends, but also the activity you enjoy.
So, ladies and gentlemen, what do you think? Is it really such a good idea to date within the circle or community of people that share your interests? What have your experience been when things have not worked out? | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:42:13 AM | | You have a valid point OP, I prefer my activities in hobbies to be a cross between a solo endeavor and a meeting, but it can be very sticky if you meet in a tight knit group and the relationship goes south. I did this once and I ended up having to leave the group because my hobby now became work. Personal politics in hobby groups can be down right brutal and my hobbies are for my enjoyment, not to meet dates. Then again, one never knows who will show up. Caution I think applies here. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:00:57 AM | | Simply because you share an interest or hobby does not give any indication that you are in any way compatible. Sure, you can meet people this way, but I think it's rare to meet someone truly compatible. I also might join a cooking class to meet someone, for example, even though I don't especially like to cook - but I'd be glad to meet someone who does! | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:58:17 AM |
I think that, unless you have a fairly wide range of interests in hobbies, when you do things you enjoy, chances are that you will develop a somewhat limited circle of friends who share your interest(s). And if you start to date within that circle and it doesn't work out, things could get messy to the point where you could lose or have to give up not only the friends, but also the activity you enjoy.
Ha ha--well, back in the day, one would marry one's older brother's best friend! So this isn't a new concept--the fact that you can choose from a jillion (est.) people is the "new" thing!
I see certain advantages to dating people you already know in a different context than "girlfriend". I think dating within one's circle sort of keeps you honest--if you date your best friend's sister, and screw her over, it's MUCH harder on you than if she's a stranger. So I think people would tend to be nicer/more honorable/think it through more if they dated within their group. Plus, you get that whole, "She likes doing what I like doing" thing, and if it works out you get to go to Thanksgiving with your best friend.
Although, I DO see way too many men who seem to require an EXACT match: "You like to run, and like to run marathons, but do you run ULTRAmarathons? Huh? Didn't think so! I'm sorry, we're not a match." There was an infamous thread on here where the guy wanted to break up with his dance partner (as a GF) because she wanted to take dance "in a different direction". WTF?! | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:17:34 AM | You are sometimes better off looking at it like a marketing study.
Who is your target market?
Do they need your product?
Is there competition offering the same product?
How much are you charging for your product?
What is the lifestyle of the customer you want to attract to buy your product?
This will tell you where they are, won't guarantee they'll buy what you are selling but it's a goal to work towards if you don't want to explore the aforementioned post's options.
When all else fails this is the only approach left to figure out where " the one " for you is. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:14:15 AM | The advantage is there wont be time conflicts once you are a couple. SHE wont be a ______________ widow (fill in that blank with golf, hunting, fishing, hotrodding etc)
The DISadvantage is that if you like doing those hobbies as SELF time, you now will have no time to yourself. The other disadvantage is if the things you do are in a regular group of people who are MORE than acquaintences.. maybe almost friends.. that if the dating ends.. you'll still have to see her.. and her you.
figure out the IDEAL way your life would be.. and HOW that partner will fit into it. Make sure that WHAT you want out of your partner is reasonable, and are things and traits that the MAJORITY of people agree with.. Otherwise you will be chasing ghosts.
this goes for hobbies as well as effort, sex, money, religion, parenting(or not) and all things that two people HAVE to agree upon in order to get along in a committed relationship.
Again.. Make sure your ideal partner outline resembles REAL PEOPLE and not some harlequin or penthouse false image. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/3/2009 4:07:13 PM | IMO I think the point was to not approach dating as a goal.
But to go out, enjoy life and your hobbies, which will introduce you to people.
And then if dating occurs it's a natural byproduct of you enjoying your life and your hobbies. You aren't focused on dating, just enjoying your hobbies and interests.
Rather than some people putting their hobbies and life somewhat on hold in order to find a date, and then try to incorporate a complete stranger in every way into your life and hobbies.
No matter how people meet there is potential for friend, hobby, interest, and/or lifestyle "collateral damage."
You can always come up with reasons not to meet people, due to perceived negative consequences, no matter how you go about it.
Is it really such a good idea to date within the circle or community of people that share your interests?
Yes. But you should not go into the circle or community of people with the purpose of dating IMO. | |
|
| |
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:45:51 PM | With this same logic, you shouldn't be dating within your local community too.
I can't think of any activity you'd have to give up because of that. I'm speaking as an amateur ballroom dancer. That means if stuff like that happens we still go to the same studio, study with the same teacher, compete at the same competitions. The key is we are not required to have any personal interactions. It's a hobby. We have a choise of who to talk to and who to keep distance from.
I really believe this rule only applies at workplace. At work, people *have* to act in a certain way, show up where they need to show up, talk to whoever they need to talk to and so on. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:13:17 PM | | It is hard to meet people, period. I try to meet them in the places that I have as hobbies, but I also have to be careful with that because I will take the gym for example; if something were to NOT work out, then it can be awkward. And the gym is my sanctuary!!! I would hate to have to reschedule, or re arrange my workouts because of a failed dating situation. Nor do I want want to become the girl dating half the gym. The other hobbies I have, like fishing and hunting and bookstores, are really not things I get to do much, since I work, am in College full time and am busy. The way I look at ti is; someone will either some along or they won't. I really am not "looking" either. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:45:49 PM |
And if you start to date within that circle and it doesn't work out, things could get messy to the point where you could lose or have to give up not only the friends, but also the activity you enjoy.
If you find a long term match, build a life together, and later split up or divorce, you will still face the exact same situation of possibly losing or having to give up mutual friends, hobbies and haunts. If someone is so worried about losing their “separateness” then perhaps they should stay single. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:18:13 AM |
With this same logic, you shouldn't be dating within your local community too.
A couple of my friends follow that rule. And while I don't agree with it completely, it does appear to reduce or eliminate some of the drama that seems to be a natural part of many small communities or groups.
If someone is so worried about losing their “separateness” then perhaps they should stay single.
That is an interesting idea. However, from my recent experiences (not just mine, but friends and acquaintances), I think it is more about the "collateral damage" as another poster put it, than losing "separateness". I will note that the experiences that led me to ask the question all involved people without large or established social networks, either because of life circumstances or having relocated to a new city. So in those cases, the "collateral damage" had a much deeper and more significant effect than it might have with people who had multiple networks of friends and such. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:28:52 PM |
That is an interesting idea. However, from my recent experiences (not just mine, but friends and acquaintances), I think it is more about the "collateral damage" as another poster put it, than losing "separateness".
I disagree. IMO, it is the FEAR of “collateral damage” that would cause one to maintain “separateness” from their mate. IOW, I was implying that you’d have to divvy up your friendships, hobbies, interests, et al, in order to mitigate the risk of losing or uncomfortably sharing same in the event the relationship failed. Now, why would anyone who desires a life mate or serious commitment want to do that? The entire mindset is mired in negativity and failure (i.e., I can’t let you get too close and share in my passions in case things don’t work out). It is also an irrational fear, IMO. You could just as easily have “collateral damage” if you were to have a falling out or argument with one of your PLATONIC hobby buddies or a close peer in your social network, yet I bet you’re not avoiding making friends. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:31:23 PM | Thanks for the clarification Frau. Now I see what you were getting at.
I tend to agree with you when you say:
you’d have to divvy up your friendships, hobbies, interests, et al, in order to mitigate the risk of losing or uncomfortably sharing same in the event the relationship failed. Now, why would anyone who desires a life mate or serious commitment want to do that?
However, your point assumes that a relationship has already started, and my question was whether it made sense to start a relationship at all within a close community. After all, isn't it often written that there are always plenty of other people to choose from? So if the risk of collateral damage is great enough, doesn't it make sense to look somewhere else for a possible mate? | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:22:45 AM |
However, your point assumes that a relationship has already started, and my question was whether it made sense to start a relationship at all within a close community.
I think that a situation of dating members within the group requires further clarification (i.e., the size of the community or group; are these platonic friends that your suddenly looking at with romantic eyes, or acquaintances you get together with for the purpose of engaging in a specific hobby, activity or interest; etc.). Again, there is always a risk of collateral damage from a falling out among any members of a social group, with or without romantic involvement.
Even if you start a relationship with someone outside your “close community” they will eventually expect to be part of your close inner circle if things between you are heading long term. This, of course, means you’re going to be at risk once more for collateral damage. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:46:19 AM | In all of my experience, there have only been two men who would qualify as effectively making a post break-up interaction uncomfortable.
Do you have a history of dramatic break-ups? That's where I would look in solving your dilemma. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:25:45 AM |
In all of my experience, there have only been two men who would qualify as effectively making a post break-up interaction uncomfortable.
Do you have a history of dramatic break-ups? That's where I would look in solving your dilemma.
That's a pretty good point. I'd say I have ONE BF that the worst happened--bad break-up, no longer friends, and he got the volleyball team in the "divorce". Except NOW I am a regular VB participant with many of those people, and he is not. I have to say, he was extremely immature and they finally "got" that he's a high maintenance man ( like a 15 yr old), so they dumped him, too. Since he was a one-off, I'm not going to consider that to be my problem--I am pretty good friends with the rest of my "significant" exes. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:00:29 AM | The idea is to get around groups of people that enjoy what you do and just broaden your social circle. From there if dating happens naturally then it's no different than any other group of friends.
If you're joining groups just to get dates, then you become that creepy awkward person who's sizing everyone up instead of enjoying the activity - so from that standpoint I can see why you'd find it uncomfortable for you or others should nothing come of it. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:33:28 AM |
In all of my experience, there have only been two men who would qualify as effectively making a post break-up interaction uncomfortable.
Do you have a history of dramatic break-ups? That's where I would look in solving your dilemma.
Personally, I have a history of staying friends with my exes. So I never thought of this as an issue until recently, as a result of both the effect the end of my own long term relationship had on one of the circles I travel in, and the "collateral damage" I saw happen when some of my friends went through breakups in small circles (i.e., groups of maybe 6 - 8 "core" people with several others more removed from the main group). It wasn't necessarily that the breakups were so dramatic as to cause uncomfortable interactions. Rather, in at least one case, the breakup was just so painful to the dumpee that the dumpee couldn't bear to be around the dumper or people who might be sympathetic to the dumper, which meant that their mutual friends had to choose who they wanted to associate with - and that made things difficult for both dumper and dumpee.
If you're joining groups just to get dates, then you become that creepy awkward person who's sizing everyone up instead of enjoying the activity - so from that standpoint I can see why you'd find it uncomfortable for you or others should nothing come of it.
I agree with you, and if you reread my original post, you will see that I am talking about groups someone might join because it's something they enjoy, not because they are looking for a mate. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:17:41 AM | ^^^I got your point. I guess unless these people become so close that the friendship is more important it doesn't matter - if they do, then go outside the immediate circle and date people you haven't become true close friends with. There's usually always a split between those you start hanging around with outside that activity and those you enjoy the activity with but are merely aquaintences.
However, beyond that you can't really control who you take to and how it all turns out. Even relationships that don't come from activity groups involve an SO that turns out to become friends with your friends - and if you're with anyone long enough a breakup can cause people (feel they) to have to choose sides. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/18/2009 12:25:30 PM | | I really want someone that is into the things I am into. I don't want to be the guy that goes out and does his thing all the time, I want her to share them with me. Kind of hard to find a quad riding, gun shooting girl who loves photography and wants to do all of them. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/18/2009 1:36:41 PM |
Kind of hard to find a quad riding, gun shooting girl who loves photography and wants to do all of them.
I am not sure if you're joking or not, but I see this ALLLLLL the time. EVERY time. Guys want, basically, a dood to screw. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/18/2009 7:53:32 PM | My hobbies include working on old VWs, ham radio and sailing. AND I live in a county of 45,000 full time residents hung off the butt of Florida. I'd be shocked if there was a single woman in this county into the same things (sailing maybe, but the other 2 I seriously doubt) so the odds of me meeting someone through these hobbies is somewhere between slim and none.
And I'm not really sure I'd want to date a woman into the same things as me anyway. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/18/2009 9:46:16 PM | I don't know how to meet the right man. With all the bad things I'm hearing in the news recently I am fearful of dating anyone unless in a group setting. It's just so hard to get to know anyone these days. I am an artist, enjoy nba and nfl,  baseball games and camping, but anymore all guys want to do is try to grab my body parts as soon as they meet me, that is not happening therefore they usually don't call back. | |
|
| Is it really such a good idea to fish off the hobby pier?
Posted: 11/19/2009 10:53:33 AM | Though I understand your argument, I think it's better to go in to dating with a more positive attitude for the future. I'm of the school that it's good to find someone with mutual interests and hobbies because you share more than just being in a relationship. I'm going to assume that people need to talk about something when they're not doing relationship things like having sex or planning a wedding. So having common interests means you can share more things together and isn't that what relationships are all about?
I understand that there may be a danger if the couple splits but retain their small circle of friends because they share many common interests. I think the only danger from that comes if the break up is especially bad and it causes too much stress to bump in to eachother and see the same people you knew before. If the couple are adult enough, they can split up and I think even retain the same circle of friends. Just because they're not together doesn't mean they can't still bump in to eachother at say...a sci-fi convention or motorcycle rally (which is where I'd like bump in to an ex-girlfriend).
In short...in my opinion, the benefits outweigh the possible down side.
That's just my 2 cents on the issue...for whatever its worth :)
Mike | |
|
Home
login 
