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Posted: 11/3/2009 10:37:40 AM | Hi all,
I was married for six and a half years, and I left my ex husband because he was violent and abusive. I believe he is either bipolar, or manic depressive, or both, but refused to get help and it got to a point where I couldn't cope with him and his behaviour anymore. I left him two and a half years ago (been single ever since), and started a court battle that finished in may, so I have been legally single for about 6 months now.
Thanks to counselling, self development and the people of my church, I'm well over what happened during my marriage. I have started a new life, got qualifications, been working, looking to start my own business. Friends say that I look younger and sexier than before. Just recently, I have started attracting men again.
The issue is that I'm aware of stereotypes, and that, should a potential date or boyfriend ask me for the reason for my divorce, he would possibly be scared thinking that I would be a person with emotional baggage, and run on the other direction. Whilst I understand that, if I have been with somebody for a little while before the question comes up, he would have been able to see that I'm not a messed-up person, I'm weary that somebody in the early days could see the truth as a dealbreaker. The thing is, I wouldn't want to lie to anybody. I had an experience, and I got over it, learning and now being able to use it to advice and help others.
So my question is this, perhaps mainly for the men: what would be the best way to explain the reason for my marriage breakup, when asked, so men don't think of me a somebody with just too much baggage to be relationship material?
Many thanks. | |
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Posted: 11/3/2009 10:46:05 AM | | I'd leave it at "He had problems he refused to get help and I couldn't cope with it anymore" until the relationship develops over timed to include very strong level of trust. At that point, you can delve into it more if you feel the relationship is becoming more emotionally intimate. | |
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Posted: 11/3/2009 10:47:54 AM | Not a guy, but... Short and to the point. 'He was abusive'. Period.
I think the issue arises more when you start giving all of the details and start over-compensating for what you think they are thinking. If they ask for more or for examples, just say 'I don't really want to talk about it'. If you talk too much about it, I would also worry if you were really over it.
It's a new day, a new page. Be honest, but treat it as such.
JMO | |
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Posted: 11/3/2009 10:50:35 AM |
I left my ex husband because he was violent and abusive.
If a man can't handle you saying the above, then he is not worth your time. End of story. | |
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Posted: 11/3/2009 11:25:53 AM | Frankly.. I like Landra
I mean I like Landra's answer. Picture yourself as an onion being SLOWLY unpeeled AS you trust the peeling person so you can unveil yourself
Your awareness of how much TMI will send men running is good. Same thing goes for men with issues in their past.
1st date.. small talk.. some work, some hobbies.. some likes and disliked
2nd date.. just a LITTLE bit deeper.. a chance to discern level of interest, observe how they behave in the world
3rd date.. some REAL discussions.. but pick a topic-in-the-world that is NOT personal.. such as some belief system.. Politics.. or economics.. etc This will give you the chance again to DISCERN that other person's way of communicating as well as their belief system to see if it mirrors yours
4th date.. decide of the sex on the 3rd date was good enough to want it again
Ok.. the last line was humor.. but the first three were serious.
Landra.. why wont you take me dancing? TAKE the operative word | |
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Posted: 11/3/2009 12:04:58 PM |
I left my ex husband because he was violent and abusive.
If a man can't handle you saying the above, then he is not worth your time. End of story. I agree. If someone is going to be so judgemental that he won't want to date you when you tell him this, he is someone who really isn't worth caring for, imo. | |
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Posted: 11/3/2009 12:15:33 PM | | Well...unless your exclusive with a man...no need to state why...and if you feel the need...just say...we were walking down two seperate paths...it's only fair i dissolve the marriage so he can go and find the lid to his pot !! | |
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Posted: 11/3/2009 12:40:09 PM |
bipolar, or manic depressive They are one in the same, interchangeable terms for the same illness. My ex is diagnosed with this and no one accused me of having baggage because of it. Do you think there is a better reason to get a divorce? I mean, you would have been nuts to stay in that marriage.
Enjoy your life now and have fun dating! | |
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Posted: 11/12/2009 6:20:21 PM | | Your baggage is nothing. You were with a guy who abused you, so you left him. That reflects worse upon your ex than on you. Don't worry. Guys who would consider that unbearable baggage are the sort of guys you wouldn't want anyway...either abusers themselves, or immature morons. Tell the truth, and relax. | |
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Posted: 11/12/2009 6:33:42 PM | The simple answers given above will work.
But you can use the interation to learn. Words don't tell what the other person wil be like, only what theyhave been through.
If someone runs when you mention what you have delt with, then they are interpreting your words based upon their past/knowledge without giving you the chance to show who you are. In doing so, they are clearly showing you who they are.
Simply put, if they run away without getting to know you, then they are not worth YOUR time. Don't worry about it. Move on to someone who is willing to spend the time getting to know you. | |
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Posted: 11/12/2009 7:27:54 PM |
So my question is this, perhaps mainly for the men: what would be the best way to explain the reason for my marriage breakup, when asked, so men don't think of me a somebody with just too much baggage to be relationship material?
When I first meet someone, I refuse to talk about past relationships. I will divulge that I have been married and that's it. I want to get to know the person a little in the here and now, see what they are like, and not discuss past relationships. If we decide to continue to get to know each other, I will tell them whatever they want within certain reasonable boundaries. There are a number of things I prefer not to talk about in the beginning. People focus on such things and jump to conclusions about who you are as a person. I'd rather experience for myself who they are as a person and vice versa before getting into information that might prejudice the experience. | |
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Posted: 11/12/2009 8:43:37 PM | Hopefully no one would be stupid enough to start a relationship without first gleaning a history of past relationships. Be aware only a dupe would fail to eventually discuss past relationships. As all relationships give a potential partner a concise assessment of character.
If there's fear/apprehension to discuss the past, it might be motivated by a desire to disguise an element of instability/issues, which warrant red flags. A majority of relationships fail miserably, when folks allow the passion of the moment to adequately eliminate any undisclosed issues with their past.
One can only wonder why some never learn from past mistakes.
Honesty is still the best policy. | |
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Posted: 11/12/2009 8:54:33 PM | actually whatever has happened in your past is none of anyones business period. we all have skeletons and many people don't ever disclose sordid past experiences.
besides when asked about previous relationships most people have such a personal slant that you really don't get the whole story so why even ask? or tell?
your ex's bad behavior is his bad behavior not yours and you are not responsible to recount his BS to anyone who asks. let it go and have a nice day. | |
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Posted: 11/12/2009 11:27:10 PM | | I have learned not to ever mention anything negative from your past. When someone asks, make it sound wonderful. Full of sunshine and rainbows. Otherwise, they'll think you're still carrying the 'baggage' and declare you undateable. | |
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Posted: 11/13/2009 5:41:26 AM | YOU have no baggage...That's not what I would call a baggage..
Reading your post tells me that you weren't damaged by his actions.
You don't think all men like that, you got over it, it's done, feel good, sexy, there is nothing wrong with you.
If someone ask questions about it, best thing to do is be honest. They can see you are not damaged, not bitter, so they won't care about this part of your past.
I know I wouldn't. | |
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Posted: 11/13/2009 5:43:23 AM | I don't always agree with Landra but she sure nailed this one perfectly. I agree completly with what she posted.
You owe no one a detailed explanation. I would accept you telling me you had problems that grew over time and you just couldn't cope anymore and your much happier now in your new life. Just tell them your happy and have no emotional baggage or drama. That's all I need to know.
Again you owe no one any details. Anyone that pushes for more then what your ready and willing to offer should raise a red flag for you!
Your life with a new man starts when you meet as long as you don't let past issues cause drama in your new life. And that's an issue for you to control.
I would only ask someone questions about what happened if I saw constant signs of it interfering with OUR current relationship. Otherwise her past is her past and is private. None of my business until it begins hurting our current situation.
And thanks again to Landra for nailing this so perfectly for you in an earlier post! Good job Landra!
Cowboy | |
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Posted: 11/13/2009 6:18:33 AM | OP, you don't need to pour out every detail of your life immediately. I think when talking about your ex, just "he was abusive and I left" ought to be good enough. When a relationship develops, certainly things will be discussed in more detail, that's just the natural progression of getting to know someone.
I personally believe in honesty - but there is no reason to pour out every dark corner in your soul when just meeting someone. Balance.... | |
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Posted: 11/13/2009 6:55:11 AM | why do you have to tell anyone anything??
if someone asks, you can say you got divorced because it wasnt an ideal situation for you anymore!
Why should you open up to someone you have went on a couple dates with. He will see for himself by then that you are not a wackjob...( that is if you really arent) and if things proceed, you can talk about each others past later. The first few dates are not for discussing each others ex,s | |
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Posted: 11/13/2009 7:20:38 AM | what would be the best way to explain the reason for my marriage breakup
Think about the tale of two people, which one attracts you most:
Potential Partner #1 - Was married for six and a half years, left their ex because of violent and abusive behavior. States they believe the ex was either bipolar, or manic depressive, or both, but refused to get help - got to a point where they couldn't cope with them and their behaviour anymore. Started a court battle...
Potential Partner #2 - Spends time at church, has a good life , got qualifications, been working, looking to start their own business. Friends say they look younger and sexier than before.
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Too much information - the best way to move on is to leave the past in the dust, unless of course you still have the need to talk about the 6 1/2 years. You have the opportunity for a fresh start all by your design - use it that way. The dealbreaker will be the persistence in wanting to talk about a broken marriage, what caused it ..imo. A simple, people sometimes just grow apart explanation - is one we all pretty much understand - then its clear sailing OP. Otherwise you might attract misery loves company - drama will feed off drama if you allow it - that's your choice now. If your looking for a sympathy party, you have the right story - but again its your choice where you want to go. Someone who is truly interested in you will look at where you're going not where you've been. If your really over what happened - ready to move on, thats speaks closure to me. Avoid the temptation to position yourself to justify future failure by overstating your past, it's a natural defense mechanism by someone coming from your previous situation- failure does happen in the dating environment - be prepared for it - it won't always be your fault. Err on the side of positive now that you have it - it will serve you better..... | |
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Posted: 11/13/2009 10:17:12 AM | well put bump4bump,
when a guy goes on about how horrible his ex gf or wife was..............i run and don't look back. | |
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Posted: 11/13/2009 10:43:43 AM | Just say he was a complete A-Hole and it took you a few years to admit it to yourself and get the nerve up to leave.
You do not need to air all your dirty laundry unless you have not put it behind you and somehow feel a need to explain yourself or your reactions to certain stimuli. | |
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Posted: 11/14/2009 11:10:31 PM | Depends on how early into the relationship your in and if your just dating it's really not anyone's business but your own, until you get to know this new person I would keep it to yourself, or like some of the other posters said, just tell 'em pure and simple;
I left my ex husband because he was violent and abusive. Exactly what you said in your post.
Don't be ashamed to say that, if they don't like that then you seriously do not want to be around this person/people. And like I said it's none of their business about more details I think they will get it with that one sentence.
Best of Luck to you and happy  | |
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