| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:27:56 PM | I've just started dating again (online), and while i'm filling out the "about me" part of the forms, i don't have a problem describing myself except for the fact that i have cancer. I just don't feel comfortable putting that information in my profile for several different reasons. So when do i tell someone about it? First date, first phone call, first email, when i become sick?
I'm not in the position where i'm that sick anymore, but i do have some limitations. Does anyone have any experience with this?
Thank you!
Krista | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:34:36 PM | | Are you currently getting treatments or is it in remission? And I am very sorry to hear this. I guess when you decide to reveal it, also has to do with how serious it is? Does the prognosis look good? | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:35:23 PM | Sooner is almost invariably better than later. Nobody likes being blindsided.
For my part, that information is probably not something that I would find particularly offputting in and of itself, but if it was withheld for an excessively long period of time, I *would* be pretty irked about basically having been robbed of the opportunity to make informed decisions about my relationships.
On the plus side, first contact/date/etc. are probably not what I would define as "excessively long". I would say the "deadline" can be loosely described as "before it becomes a relationship". | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:49:44 PM |
I would say the "deadline" can be loosely described as "before it becomes a relationship".
That sounds about right to me too. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:53:52 PM |
I would say the "deadline" can be loosely described as "before it becomes a relationship".
I don't think it should be in the profile, but I would want to know before we met. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:56:23 PM | Well, i spent the last couple of years in treatment, not just for the cancer, but for what the treatments did to me, and even though i have metastasis (now a stage IV), i'm feeling better than ever, and actually able to do things again. The prognosis for a stage IV colorectal cancer individual isn't good (5-8% survival passed five years), but i'm young, and most likely will survive it. I'm not doing anymore chemo, i'm fighting it with diet, and i expect to beat it. I don't want to let it dictate who or how i date. I'm worried that if i tell my dates right away, they'll either feel sorry for me, or not want to see me again! It's a pickle.
I feel like i shouldn't say anything at all, but that seems deceitful. I just don't know.
Thanks for you help!
Krista | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:59:14 PM | I think it should either be in the profile or you should just take a break from dating sites. It's asking a lot of someone, before they even know you, to work towards a relationship, no matter how preliminary those first steps are, without knowledge of what they're getting into.
Also, a lot of people will act against their better judgment when they're already fond of someone; don't take advantage of that. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:02:05 PM | | You discuss things like this when they become relevant in a relationship sense. It's definitely something that should be discussed before you get terribly intimate with the dude. Now if the dude asks you if you live a healthy lifestyle, well that's a good time to bring the subject matter forward. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:16:42 PM | I am very glad to hear you are in good spirits and keeping a positive outlook. I have read a few books on the subject of fighting cancer with diet (juicing and certain teas that help aid in the fight against) and it can be done! Don't ever give up!
That said, I think you could mention something about how you are very committed to your new lifestyle (diet, healthy living, etc) and hope to meet someone with that same positive outlook with a focus on health and wellness? Then, if it comes up, it comes up...and if you start getting serious about someone, I would reveal the info to them, but not make it out to be more than it is. You are just in a battle right now, but you are taking steps to come out on top. I think it is ludicrous to ask you NOT to join a dating site...as if this makes you undateable? I don't think so...if anything your positivity and determination will endear you to the right man. I think you have the right mindset about this, and if it is a "dealbreaker" for someone, so be it...move on. You don't need negativity in your life right now. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:24:08 PM | Thank you, Blissout! That was the decision i was moving towards. My cancer doesn't define me, and others shouldn't think it does either. If i get involved with someone i feel i have a connection with, i will tell him. Hopefully it won't be a dealbreaker. No one knows when they're going to die whether they have cancer or not.
Take care, and thanks again!
Krista | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:34:10 PM |
If i get involved with someone i feel i have a connection with
I truly empathize with your dilema but just know that this is risky. If we met, had a connection and were involved and then you dropped this bit of information.. it would not go over well. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:21:44 PM | First, I'm very sorry about the cancer. However, I would not put that in your profile. I had a liver transplant several years ago and I had something about it in my profile and almost immediately I got zero messages. People are afraid of illness of any sort. It's best to ride it out for a while until you get a feel for where it's going to go. I found if someone really likes you for who you are, health problems sometimes take a back seat.
Good luck. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:37:08 PM | I'd say this particular matter, if I were on the receiving end, I'd want it disclosed around about three dates in, more or less. At the point you know it's likely to go further, in other words. Before that, it's really none of my business; after that, I'm already pretty emotionally invested, thus if it's an issue for me, I might wish I'd known earlier. So, applying the Golden Rule, right on that sort of cusp point, I think is a good time to raise it.
Good luck! | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:48:51 PM | Don't put it on your profile.
No need to.
But do mention in email.
Not the first one, but if the exchange is going well, you can bring it up then.
God bless. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 4:14:29 PM | I would put it in my profile. That saves getting with anyone for whom it would turn them back when they found out later. As the person finding out, the timing wouldn't change if I was going to back out or feel sorry for the woman. The only thing the timing would do is if she didn't tell me for a while then that whole time it would be unsaid, on her mind and whatever had happened up to that point would be devoted to something unspoken, not to getting to know each other. If I liked her, it would be a bummer to hear but probably not send me away. If I didn't like her, it would make it harder to say that, but I still would.
I hope you do survive this and prosper. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:18:43 PM | I say put it up on your profile. Who cares what they think. Wouldnt you feel more comfortable knowing the person your dating knows you have cancer? If I was interested in someone I would let the fact that they have cancer hold me back.
Warm regards | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:15:32 PM | This is actually a hard delima and question to try and answer.
I know myself that it would have no bearing on dating or becoming significant others.
I will say that if this person is having big financial difficulties due to cancer I think that many would worry that it may impact them so how if the relationship got serious. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:21:16 PM | GREAT question.. I mean it
Look.. I'm a guy.. I really gave this some thought as if I had met you.. and was inspired to ask for a 2nd date.. and then a 3rd because I was fascinated and FELT a connection
so I projected that scenario.. and frankly did a "How much would I hurt finding out NOW" assessment (Oh.. I DO analytical work)
My conclusion is you tell him during the THIRD date. At 3 dates, presuming you havent given him any sexual play (a kiss or three is NOT sexual PLAY)
Here's why.
If a guy has met you.. MeetNgreet, then had date 1, then 2 and is PURSUING YOU by asking out for date 3.. you can reasonably assure yourself that he IS "into you"
THEN is when you show FemaleHonor and tell him.
At 3 dates if he cant handle it.. well.. he'll be DISAPPOINTED.. but wont felt mislead
Now.. having an "episode" of being sick BEFORE date three.. certainly will accelerate the time line.
Sweetie.. Do all that you can to BE "comfortable" within your sense of being with a "what me worry" relaxation. It will really help with any healing coming your way.. and take the stress off from all these decisions.
Make ONE decision.. To NOT stress the small stuff.. give yourself that gift | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:38:02 PM | Thank you all so much for your advise! I have been thinking about this a lot as well, but only in the dating aspect of my life. When i'm thinking about other things, i completely forget i even have it. It's not a huge part of my life right now, but i can understand how getting the news that someone you're interested in has it, can be shocking. I'm so afraid that with this news will come sympathy from those i date, and that to me is worse than rejection. I was in a four year relationship during my initial diagnosis and treatment, and he was a wonderful caregiver taking care of my every need. When the cancer progressed and i changed my diet and became more independent and felt better, he dumped me. I can only speculate as to why, but it could have been because he thought i didn't need him anymore. Or it could've been because he thought i wasn't going to survive five years longer.
I've only talked to a couple of people since starting up dating again, and the conversations haven't gone far yet. There was no reason to bring it up. I think i will let the cat out of the bag when the timing feels right on an individual basis. It will probably test the character of the individual which could really be a good thing!
Thanks again!
Krista | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:37:21 AM | I dated a woman that received two kidney transplants. She was honest and upfront about it and we hit it off. We dated for several months and we were great together and I wanted to spend a lot of time with her. I had met her parents and they liked me. I ended up breaking up with her because she smoked two packs a day, did hard drugs and drank like a sailor. I asked her to make a lifestyle change because I wanted her around and she lost the first transplant for the same reason and she was informed that would be her last one. She chose to keep drinking and doing drugs and died a couple years later. I would have stayed with her if she got a healthier lifestyle.
If I met someone nice that I got along with that was in your spot I wouldn't tun away from her as long as she didn't spring it on me months into the relationship. Don't know if you know about Katie Kirkpatrick but she had cancer and her high school sweetheart married her 5 days before she died. Reading about her still brings tears to my eyes and I wish I was the photographer that got to photograph their wedding, it would have made everything I photographed up to that day meaningless.
http://izismile.com/2009/04/24/sad_story_of_a_wonderful_fiance_katie_kirkpatrick_11_pics.html
Just be honest and upfront, a decent man that has chemistry with you will stay by your side. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:39:29 PM | | Forget your cancer for a moment. How soon would you want to know if some guy had: AIDS, Hep A, a wife, 6 kids he's paying support for, etc? That is how soon you should tell some guy about your cancer. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:51:14 PM | Just my 2 cents. I can understand why you would shy away from putting it in a profile because there are some insensitive jerks out there who would probably send you messages that are in the negative. On the other hand it would be a good way to weed out the jerks beforehand. Because you may meet a guy who seems great and then you tell him you have cancer and it may make him flee.
On my fiance and I's first date he revealed all his medical information to me and I was glad that he was upfront , even though some of the stuff he told me was a little scary I was glad that I knew about it. | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:18:52 PM | Krista I am so glad you are not letting cancer define whom you are. Ask yourself what you would want if the shoe was on the other foot.
Working with awesome disabled atheletes, I see nothing wrong with having a medical challenge. Our son has been on insulin since he was a baby, and when he started dating his now wife, she was aware he needed to test his blood and do injections. It simply came up in normal conversation.
~Beth~ | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:11:05 PM | | Not right when you meet them but before it becomes an intimate relationship. My present girlfriend earned a LOT of points by telling me the 2nd "date" that she was dealing with lupus. The integrity to tell me "early" told me she must have other qualities that also aren't found every day... | |
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| When do you tell?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:14:15 PM | | i do not think medical issues should be in a profile or discussed before the first meet. it should be revealed on a need to know basis. if you are like most, you will meet men that you may not see again. i would tell someone if i felt there was a mutual attraction between us that had the potential of a relationship. | |
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