| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:57:29 PM | The title is self-explanatory, but I will elaborate a bit.
Does my headline need work?
As the title says, this is my first profile ever, so, I have no idea what I'm doing correctly or incorrectly. If you have any constructive criticism, go for it. And I mean anything.
Thanks in advance. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:47:28 PM | Hey ya Josh – Ya need new pictures buddy. Your main one is just OK but I think you could do much better with a good camera and a friends help.
Side note – Why at 18 years old are you online looking for a girl? Are you hiding something from us? Dude, when I was your age I was NEVER home. School is going to be your best bet for meeting a girl… and at your age, they are all hot.
Ok, back to your profile. Change your picture cuz they pretty much suck. That fuzzy one with your cat is brutal. Your pictures will end up being 80% of your profile. If the girls don’t like what they see, they sure aren’t going to waste time reading about you.
Your random thoughts a bit scary. Is that what runs through the minds of 18 year old guys these days? I am pretty sure those kinds of thoughts didn’t run though my head at 18, but that was a zillion years ago too, so who knows.
Tell us where you want to go in life… Your dreams? Share one or two of them?
I like the fact that you are close with your family, but this could scare off the girls. Is he still attached to the apron strings? Will daddy tell him what time he needs to be home from the date?
Everyday should be two words there I believe.
I love your food line there. At first, I was like WTF? Then I saw your humor. And to go along with that one… I always say, If God didn’t want us to eat animals; he wouldn’t have made them out of meat! Good job!
“My “Type”: I could use this section to rattle off specifics of what I want in a woman, however, I decline. Listing qualities and traits ad nauseam is extremely limiting. A list is not needed, instead, a line or two will do (besides these lines!).” – I would kill all of that as it is filler text. Just talk about that dream girl of yours in all positives like you have and you will be good to go.
Cheers!
PS you should really think about just meeting people in real life buddy. You will have way more luck there than online. Either way, good luck to you! | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:15:46 PM | Hmm, I thought the main was at least a touch better than okay. I'll get right on it, though. I am doing this for fun and want to give it any effort needed. If nothing else, it's an experience.
Which random thoughts?
Edited that a bit.
Thank you.
Upon further examination, you are indeed correct. It has been changed.
P.S. Why limit myself to just offline? I can only see so many people in my immediate area.
Thanks again for the help. Anyone else? | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:41:44 PM | The headline really does need work. It's just blah.
For me, the randomness of the first 3 three threw off my reading mojo. I didn't like it. But, I'm not ADHD, so it may work for some. I'd rather have known more about the ideas you threw out. On the other hand, the younger girls here seem to have blip for an attention span and are always asking for the guys to trim it back. (send your angry email to.... )
Smiling main photo is always best - interesting profile, not just a list of facts or dry statements - decent variety of Interests - and light, casual introductory messages seem to be most effective. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:02:42 PM | I changed it. Any better?
I edited them out...I think. I'm not looking for someone who is ADHD, so your advice is good. Can you expand on that? What should I add more about?
Do you think my pictures need work? I would like to believe I made it unlike an average, run of the mill profile. Example of a casual and light introductory message?
Thanks again for the help. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:12:42 PM | New headline is very original! Cute.
The short, choppy sentences are distracting. (That's what I meant about feeling ADHD - changing thoughts every 4.2 seconds) Expanding on the ideas gives a better picture. For example, what are you studying? You could expand on this sentence:
I know where I want to go in life, and I won’t let anyone stop me from achieving my dreams. by adding My studies in (whatever) will be completed in (what year), after which I'll be able to pursue a career in (whatever). This has always interested me because....
You need more pictures - at least 1 full body outdoor shot.
For the introductory messages, pick one thing from her profile and mention it. Make an appropriate comment and ask a question. For your profile, I'd probably write:
I like the image of the $500 bottle of water! I went to dinner one time and the server asked if we wanted still water, sparkling water or spring water. I just asked him to open a tap and whatever came out, put it in a glass! But I've never had a limo ride... have you?
- specific to your profile
- makes an appropriate comment
- asks a question (this makes it easy for you to reply - no pressure) | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:04:09 PM | Thanks! :D
Ah, understood. Agreed, I'm not sure what I was thinking. My latest version is much more "me." Each paragraph has one thought and it seems much more complete.
Agreed, that will be accomplished tomorrow. However, is inside acceptable? Currently, one needs to wear a heavy jacket if they wish to go outside. On the other hand, if outside is necessary, I could find a way to get it done, but it would likely have to be in a sweater if nothing else.
lol, I like it! Sounds good and makes sense.
Once again, thank you for all of your help. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:34:22 PM | | Oh yeah, you're in Illinois... safer to stay indoors.... lol! Or - go outside in your winter coat so long as we can see your face and maybe hang from some monkey bars, or sit on a slide, or some other colourful background. | |
|
| |
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:26:58 PM | Alright, I added four new pictures. Are they any good, or do I need to try again? What do you think about the body of the profile now that it has been updated?
Thutch: What else would you say I need to change as far as the body of my profile goes?
All criticism welcome. | |
|
| |
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:36:44 PM | | Hi, Josh - great colour you've chosen! Very eye-catching, But - you don't need 4 of basically the same photo. Keep the first two, drop the last two. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:39:27 PM | Hi there,
Four of your six photos look like exactly the same picture taken four different times. You know, the ones with you wearing the blue shirt. It doesn't count as more photos if you look exactly the same in each one unfortunately.
Your first line is a bit like: 'I won't let anyone stop me achieving my dream of becoming..... a history teacher'. It's an anti-climax - who'd want to stop you being a history teacher? Perhaps change it to something like: 'I can't wait to achieve my goal of becoming a history teacher'.
I guess I'm not feeling a lot of life from your profile. You've got good interests and a decent amount written, but it feels more like a school essay than a personal profile. And I'll be honest, I don't really know how you can fix this for yourself. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:40:23 PM | | Your first picture is good but you have three others that look like just about the same as the first picture. I say just delete them as they are just too much of the same thing. If you have a normal picture that shows your body too just out and about or doing something you love that would be great. So like a picture of you cooking or even something like shopping showing the cool little organic label or maybe playing basketball would be great. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:51:23 PM | Deleted.
Changed.
I get the same feeling. Hard to believe I used to do a bit of stand-up comedy in my spare time, eh? I don't know where to insert that. I have one comedic line in my entire profile and it is a bit too passive for my taste.
Jordan:
Agreed. I will have to go out and one of those pictures at my earliest possible convenience.
On the whole: I will agree, my profile seems too bland. A splash more comedy/humor could definitely be used. However, where would that go well?
Thanks again to everyone for all of the help. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:21:38 PM | Hi again. If I may, have a look at my profile to see how you can write with humour and still explain who you are.
Or - check out some of the regular guy reviewers - many of them incorporate humour well. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:04:44 PM | | OK, I am coming in to the back end of your revision process, and I must say that you are more self-aware and articulate than most 30- and 35-year old guys I know. My first thought was is this guy for real and is he really 18??? I don't want to be disappointed later to find out it's some 14-year old girl from Des Moines practicing her critcal writing essay on POF! Seriously, my only real criticism is that I am not sure if your ideal reader is a 20- year old college student or a 30-year old working woman, because it seems to be addressed towards the latter... I'm not saying that 20 is not sophisticated, it's that she's reading her texts and really doesn't have time to troll on the Internet in search of fun...whereas the 30 year old is maybe more self conscious and is seriously exploring all of the available dating options. The earlier posting about just going out and having fun is spot on. I have a couple of women friends who are cougars, and wouldn't think twice about dating a well spoken cougar bait such as yourself... and you come from a small town? Lastly, I get the feeling you must have done amateur night at the local comedy cafe, the tongue in cheek humor is subtle but definitely there. Good profile, you just need to reconfigure your profile towards your target audience. Good job otherwise & good luck. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:19:00 PM | You Go First:
I have looked at around ten - fifteen profiles, and I have a hard time envisioning how I can insert good comedy into my profile without completely rearranging it. I could add a sarcastic comment or two into the first date section, but truly I am at a loss.
Zazen:
Thank you, sir for your kind words. Yes, sir, I truly am 18. If it is any consolation, I am turning 19 in a month. I exchange Facebooks pretty quickly, so it shouldn't be hard to prove that I am being truthful in my profile. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but it is who I am. I am looking for someone who is intelligent so I can have meaningful, deep conversations with her. Although, I really have no idea how a date with a woman that old would go over. That was my original concern, what do I have in common with a woman over 25?
A bit smaller scale, but pretty close. No group larger than 40. My routines are around three to seven minutes, so inserting anything into a profile is difficult. Thank you again for the encouragement. | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:24:07 PM | I know where I want to go in life and figured that out without Dr. Phil or Oprah telling me to follow my bliss. My dream of becoming a history teacher is coming along - knowing that a child has left with something more than they came in with is an indescribable feeling. Hopefully I'll be the teacher that leaves a lifelong impression other than "He gives too much homework"!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Does that kinda make sense? | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:28:19 PM | Do you mind if I use an edited version of that? Something like:
I know where I want to go in life and figured that out without Oprah telling me that I am awesome. My dream of becoming a history teacher is coming along - knowing that a child has left with something more than they came in with is an indescribable feeling. Hopefully I'll be the teacher that leaves a lifelong impression other than "He gives too much homework"! Although I do plan to give three or four hours of it a night. ;) | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:45:00 PM | Josh,
I don't think I need to reiterate how uncommonly mature you are for 18. I'm not encouraging you to find a much older woman by any means, it is just that your profile can fit a guy 10-15 years older than you. You're merely ahead of your time right now and that's why I'm saying go out and have fun: meaning get off of the computer and enjoy your youth. It does not last forever! Don't be in hurry to taste the wine of adulthood, which mostly is sweet, the dredges, like mortgages, insurance, taxes, et. al, will come soon enough! Lest you think that you might not have anything in common with a 25-year old, I have an anecdote for you: one of my best friends, also a early bloomer like you, married a 35 year old woman when he was 23. We all thought he was crazy at the time, but he ended up being the smartest one out of all us, since he is still married to her after more than 20 years. Age does not make a difference if both people do not make a big deal over it. | |
|
| |
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:18:00 PM | I didn't want to create a new thread, so I bumped this one.
I am getting a bit better of a response to my profile, but I'm sure it can still be improved. I tried to make it clear what my target age range is with the new one. Any new thoughts? | |
|
| First Online Profile Ever...HELP Please!
Posted: 11/14/2009 8:57:08 AM | | Zazen: I guess I am going to have to learn how to do that. Thanks again for the kind words. I was having a somewhat bad day when I read that, and my day improved immensely after reading your posts. :). | |
|
Home
login 
