| extended family visits with "other" side of the family
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:05:16 PM | I was just wondering on people's opinion about giving access to family members that are from the other parent's family. I'll give two examples that I have heard from friends recently, and then I'd love to hear your opinion on the topic. I don't know all the details about either situation, so this is just a discussion idea, not a "help me" post. (in my examples, the mom is the custodial parent, I know it could be the other way around and could have so many more variables to the situation, but just for convenience this is how I am writing it, feel free to add your own example if you need to)
In both situations, the paternal grandmother wants to see the child, would love to visit with them and is not mean/abusive/hateful/angry against the mom. both children are approximately 2 yrs old.
situation 1: dad is not involved in child's life. has seen child twice in the past year. mom takes child to grandma's approximately once a month and child sees extended family at the same visits. sometimes grandma (and aunt/uncle) take child alone for the weekend.
situation 2: child's dad was actively involved in child's life until his death recently. child visited grandma when visiting with dad. since dad's death, mom has decided that grandma does not need to see the child, and is willing to cut off dad's entire family.
so, with these situations, I was wondering what your opinions were on whether a few little ideas:
is mother 2 being spiteful?
is mother 1 being over-accomodating?
do you feel it is important to keep up family bonds (considering the extended family DOES want it)?
do you think either situation would be more harmful to the child in the long run?
specifically on this one... situation 1: when the child grows up, they'll know that grandma wanted them but dad didn't?
situation 2: if the child learns that when dad died, grandma wanted to stay in contact but mom wouldn't let it?
I was also wondering what other people do in their own situations? how many people lean towards situation 1 and freely allow visitation with the "ex's" family, and how many people lean towards situation 2 and just stay clear of them. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:09:49 PM | | Tell them to watch Lilo & Stitch... Family is so important especially if it is a loving relationship. Children need to know where they came from and that they are loved and wanted. It may not be important to mom at this point, but people - especially grandparents are only around for so long. It gives a sense of belonging that nothing can replace. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:17:33 PM | How do you figure the mother is being spiteful by allowing the grand parents of her children access? Family is important, and if the father is unwilling, but his family IS willing to love the children.. what is the problem??
Yes it is VERY important to keep up family bonds with the extended family - providing they are caring individuals who do not have any ill fated ideas planned when visiting with the children.
Having family members who love them will not be harmful to the child.. it will be beneficial.
When the kids grow up knowing grandma loved them Yahoo they have a grand parent who loves them. Yes Dad (or Mom in many cases) is being a putz by not seeing their kids.. but thankfully they have Grandma!.
If the Mom didn't let the grandma stay in touch were the dad died.. boo to her. Just because a parent passes away doesn't sever the family bond with Dad's side of the family.
I have personal knowledge on the first scenario -- where Dad chooses to have very limited access with the kids.. my nephews are older.. they are 12 & 13.. they know that Dad is being an idiot by not seeing them more, supporting them the way he should, or heck even calling on their birthdays.. BUT they love the fact that Auntie, their little cousin and their Grandma see them 3-4 times a year and have them for a week in the summer. Due to their distance away we aren't able to see them more often, but I keep in regular touch with them via email/facebook & phonecalls.
This past summer when I was in the last leg of our 8 hour drive.. they said.. Auntie.. it's pretty sad that you see us & talk to us more than our own dad.. but we are happy you do.
We have a great relationship with my ex-sister-in-law.. did we always? no.. for a long time we thought she had done wrong.. but we put that aside for the sake of the kids.. We now know more of what happened and fully support her in her actions against my brother.
More importantly.. my daughter has her cousins.. She is an only child.. and we know of no cousins on her Dad's side.. our case is different there again.. her Dad's family wants to see her.. but I can't guarantee they wouldn't flee the country with her.. there have been a lot of issues, where the police & the government both have become involved.. I'm not willing to risk it.. if I could arrange a meeting that I knew everything would be ok.. then i would let them see her.. but until then.. we are unavailable. | |
|
| |
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:57:45 PM | Family is so very important to children, more than what we might realize... I would move heaven and earth to give my children the largest, strongest family structure they could possibly have. My love for them is not reduced by them receiving love from a large family.
As a matter of fact, they call a friend of mine Aunt. This is a woman I've known for over thirty years and has been very much a sister of my heart. She was the first person outside of blood family and the hospital to hold my daughter, she was present at my son's birth and she held my hand during the most difficult times of my life... she also took in my son when I was unable to take care of him myself due to hospitalization from an injury last summer.
This is family... family never detracts, they always enhance a person's life... how could keeping family away from a child be a good thing? | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:50:40 PM | Wow... This kinda seems like a no brainer to me but I think that all kids need to have contact with their families. To not let a child see their grandparents would be insane if there weren't serious ( I mean harmful to the child ) issues. I know if I were the child and I would resent the custodial parent for keeping me away from relatives who are just as much a part of my life as they are. I often take my youngest son to see his moms parents and I am not the cp but I know that other than holidays that is pretty much the only time he will get to see them. His mom lives and hour and a half away and I live 15 minutes from them. For whatever reason she doesn't spend much time with them from what my son says.
My step son moved in with me so he could finish highschool here ( long story), but I know folks around here were kinda like wth? I simply told them I divorced his mom that doesnt mean I wont be here for him or his siters if they need my help.. that is what family is all about. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:59:03 PM | Children should not be punished for the sins of the parent, parents should not be punished for the sins of their children. I think grandparents are amazing people who as long as they arnt being detrimental to the child should be involved. Heck my daughter has a great-grandparent involved and I sometimes think she is learning more fom my grandfather with dementia then she is from anyone else.
As for the second mother. Both the child and the grandparent have just suffered a HUGE loss (involved or not... this is their father), why make that loss worse? | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:05:34 PM | I think it COMPLETELY depends on the exact situation.
From what was described about the two situations you mentioned:
Mother 1 is probably doing a good thing. I think mother 2 probably is wrong. The second just seems so sad. The mother honestly seems like a ****... and it does seem like it could do damage. The first situation probably could do damage too... but it probably wouldn't really hurt the child.
But again... that's only from what you've said about the situations so far. That could very well change if there was more information.
I felt conflicted about how to handle this when I was pregnant. I tried to get in touch with my son's aunt... I only met her a few times, but she seemed sweet and she had a son that was a year or two old at the time. I figured it'd be good for my son to know(and grew up) his cousin(since they would be close in age especially- and he wouldn't have many children around) and his aunt and uncle. She ignored me.
I finally decided NOT to tell the rest of his family about the pregnancy. His sister acted that way and she seemed to actually be sweet. His father was an ***hole to him. He seemed like that in general. And apparently, he wasn't really happy with to have his other grandson. His mother abandoned them when they were young... but talks to them occassionally now. She's apparently an alcoholic... and I never met her. I wouldn't even know how to get in touch with her. So... I just said forget it. It's not worth it. My son has my family. And maybe one day if he really thinks he wants to... we can try to get in contact with the other side.
For myself... my mother and father divorced when I was 10? My father got custody. I don't have and haven't had much to do with my mom. I actually hate her. And most of her family... as they've done some pretty bad crap. I recently got in touch with my cousin that is two years younger than me. He is really sweet and we had fun memories together playing video games and all. He's into a few of the same things I am now. It's been pretty cool talking to him and getting to know him again. But I'm kinda glad this happened on our own terms. If I would've continued to spend time with him... his mother and sisters would've been involved. And I don't think I could've handled that. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:36:12 AM |
How do you figure the mother is being spiteful by allowing the grand parents of her children access?
The second mother is DENYING access to the grandparents and extended family when the children's dad who was very involved recently died.
is mother 2 being spiteful? Mother 2 should be horse whipped. It is important for kids to maintain contact with their families. Beginning about a year before we split, my ex stopped taking the kids to see his family and I wasn't not doing it but I think was so busy working, didn't have the time to get away much. Having lost their dad, it is more important than ever for those children to maintain those family ties. My mother-in-law passed over the summer and it wasn't until about a year ago that my kids had started seeing the family more again because I again became the one to see that this happened and they are two hours away.
is mother 1 being over-accomodating? Mother 1 is being normal. Why should she, if the woman is kind to her and great for her kids actively seek to keep her out of their lives? I divorced my ex, I did not divorce his family. My kids are still family and as far as they are concerned so am I, which is the way I think it should be.
do you feel it is important to keep up family bonds (considering the extended family DOES want it)? I think it is very important. Family can be an essential thing during times of illness and stress and why should they lose half of their family because their parents didn't get along?
do you think either situation would be more harmful to the child in the long run? They will focus more on grandma wanting them and dad will become what he always was, a non-entity. Some people aren't close to their parents even when they don't split. Someone that craves love and attention she never got from dad values the love she got from grandma all the more. I feel that way about my mother. Can't imagine my life without my grandma.
I think situation 2 is going to be horribly harmful just because of the break in contact but mom 2 may also permanently destroy her relationship with her kids or at the very least drive some sort of wedge into it because if I were those kids I would be wayyyy pissed. Particularly at a time when they need everyone around them as much as possible to minimize the loss of their father.
Mother 1 shows her children what family should be about and even gets some down time when the grandparents take the kids. That to me is a win win and it sounds also that her in-laws would be a resource for her if she ever needed to be hospitalized or something. Why wouldn't you cultivate that type of thing? One of the hardest things when people get divorced and don't have this is that people you have grown to love are no longer a part of your life. I think it is far healthier for everyone involved if you are able to maintain relationships and don't wind up with a huge hole in your life that feels like it needs filling.
So many people whose ex in-laws look at them like the enemy would give their eye teeth for extended family that wants their children to remain in their lives.
Lint spotter makes a good point as well, we have numerous non-biological people that we consider every bit as much family as those we are biologically related to. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:57:09 AM | Kids are the pawns in disconnected family units.
I believe you treat inlaws and outlaws and formers just like you would if the marriage were intact.
Mother in law is toxic.. minimize or eliminate all contact
Family member is helpful and supportive, invite them into your childs life with grace and appreciation.
It doesnt matter if married, divorced, widowed, or other. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:00:54 PM | Interesting topic.
When my daughter was born, her father, who lived in the states (I'm Canadian) chose not to be a part of her life. A few years later, his father and step mother found out about his daughter. They decided that even tho he wanted no part of her, they did.. and kept in touch via email and cards, etc for years.
Now, 10 yrs later,through a series of events, my daughter's father is now stepping up to the plate. His mother, sister, sisters kids, brothers, cousins, and aunts are now all on my facebook page keeping in touch with my daughter.
I've let everyone know that I will do whatever is needed to help everyone develop a relationship with her. I'm a little nervous about letting her go stateside to visit everyone, but that is a step that will have to be earned by everyone after 10 years. I'm accommodating but not retarded..
I have always believed that family is important for my daughter to learn who and where she comes from. This is her journey, not mine. I'm just here to make sure that no one hurts her. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:00:00 PM | In my case the dad had nothing to do with the child. His parents wanted to spend time with their grandchild. I saw and still see nothing wrong with that even though now she is adopted by my husband. Anyways, we struck up a deal while she was still young (few months old) that we (me and his parents) would take turns. I would bring her to them and visit then they would come to us and visit. My turn was first. I drove the 2 hours with a 3 month old and stayed the night. Next time they talked me into doing it again. The baby HATED being in a car. The drive was awful. But I did it. For the sake of "family". Well they never bothered to take their turn. Although I did get cards in the mail up until last year with notes talking about how much they loved her and how no matter how I felt about her father I shouldn't keep her from them...yeah. All that and it was still my fault they didn't see her. Did I mention that I work full time and was in school at the time and the mother doesn't work at all?!
I think family is very important but that is is different in every situation. If they want to be a part of the childs life there should be equal effort to accommodate that want and need. If not then whoever is on the end that is slacking is at fault. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:18:02 PM |
I think family is very important but that is is different in every situation. If they want to be a part of the childs life there should be equal effort to accommodate that want and need. If not then whoever is on the end that is slacking is at fault.
agreed 100%. I have tried to be more than accomodating to my son's dad. But he is not trying to compromise with me whatsoever and thinks everything should be his way or the highway. (Perfect example of how a mother can ruin her son, but that's another story) Yet he blames ME for his parents and his grandpa having never seen the baby. Excuse me but I am not about to bow down and be his little b!tch and give into every silly demand of his. Instead I am doing what is best for my child and he fails to see that. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:40:16 PM | Even though my wife died, I have a great relationship with my ex-inlaws. My son see's his aunt regularily, and grandparents whenever they want to. I have no ill will towards them, and really can't see why anyone would.
I can see it being an issue with a divorce, typically you hate your ex, and their family is lumped into that...
But every situation is different... | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:48:56 PM | I'm separated and the kids live with me every other week.
I email my mother-in-law as often as I can updating her on what the kids are doing when they are with me. She is very appreciative.
When we were on vacation in the town my mother-in-law lives in, I made sure that each of my kids got to have a day and night alone with grandma.
For some reason it is harder to maintain that sort of contact with my brother-in-law, it could be because he and his wife have four kids, and that kind of keeps them busy.
But I make sure they get to see my wife's side of the family as much as possible, especially since they live 400 miles away. IMO, the more kids to love and support kids, the better it is for them to feel loved and protected, from birth on. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:21:51 PM |
Children should not be punished for the sins of the parent,
I've been debating (internally) this topic in slightly different form. It seems like my ex's family blames my children for his crimes and they have ceased communicating with us. So my question for myself was how long do I keep attempting to maintain the ties between my children and my ex's family? I have reached the point where I've decided that they know our mailing address and telephone numbers, they can contact the kids when they are ready. Other than to update our contact info and to mail my daughter's graduation announcement and son's school pictures, I'm not going to try contacting them anymore. My kids already call his mom "grandma who?" as she took herself out of our lives in 1997.
As for the second mother. Both the child and the grandparent have just suffered a HUGE loss (involved or not... this is their father), why make that loss worse?
I agree, now is NOT the time to sever ties with the father's family. In many ways, the child needs the father's family even more -- who but the father's family can tell the child about the father's childhood or the special traditions of the father's family? To make the child grieve the loss of his/her father's family while he/she is grieving the loss of the father is just selfish (among other terms) of the child's mother. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:30:48 PM | Mother 1 is not over accommodating, mother 2 is spiteful.
After my divorce we still kept that bond between the two families, for my child's sake. Just because the ex and I had a falling out, we didn't want it to affect our son. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:18:28 AM | Mother 2: I doubt she is being spiteful but she might be selfish. Seeing her former in-laws might remind her of her loss and it's easier to remove the situation then deal with the pain.
Mother 1: Isn't being over-accommodating. My ex-husband abandoned our children years ago but they continue to see paternal family. I think it's a benefit for them to know where they come from and not feel disconnected from family. | |
|
| extended family visits with other side of the family
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:40:21 PM | | I was very fortunate to have wonderful ex inlaws and they saw the grandkids as often as they wanted. Unless the grandparents are abusive to the child or have mental issues that would affect the child, it might be a little spiteful to keep the kid[kids] from seeing them. | |
|
Home
login 
