| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:59:22 PM | I just emailed a nice lady I saw on PoF here (due to the rules of course I won't post her nickname or any details like that), but we had a lot in common based on her profile. I send her photos (which I have but don't post publicly due to my job) and her response was in the line of:
Sorry, I'm not interested. I only date white people because my child is white.
Now I will say that I'm Chinese and my profile clearly lists that I'm 'Asian' (there isn't a specific Chinese option). This isn't the first time now that its happened to me. I've had a similar reply from another woman two weeks ago. This gets me wondering, am I wasting my time on a woman if she's a single parent and Caucasian? Do we not live in a multicultural world?
P.S. - I live in Canada | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:05:41 PM | As with anything that is asked regarding a person's dating choices, it's going to be hit and miss all the time. We do live in a world where race, skin colour, religion and ethnicity should be secondary to the personality, lifestyle, goals and ambitions... but its not.
My preference for dating is tall men with dark hair and hazel eyes... this is the physical attributes I'm most attracted to and well, no one can tell me that I'm wrong in this... the same way we cannot tell someone that wishes to only date caucasians that they are wrong in their preference.
Don't give up, and don't let it get to you either... things on here are a crap shoot... just keep on keeping on and if you get frustrated, step away from the computer and stretch it out... and remember that you cannot control others, only yourself and your reactions to things...
Cheers... | |
|
| |
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:21:43 PM |
simple solution:
type in your profile
and by the way I am chinese
I'm not asking that. I'm asking "as a asian male, should I even bother emailing woman (if they're non asian) who are single parents?" | |
|
| |
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:28:23 PM | | People do have dating preferences but I do not condone racism. Do not judge all by the actions of a few, otherwise you are not much better than they are. | |
|
| |
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:31:06 PM | Some people are just too afraid to step outside what they know. As others have said each person has different things that attract them.
I am not racisit myself, yet I tend to go for guys that are tall, blond and blue-eyed. Though my sons father was shorter, dark hair and brown eyes, so it really for me anyway comes down to the personality, but there has to be some sort of attraction there as well. We are all different, you will eventually find some one who is perfect for you. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:40:27 PM | | not all "white women with/without kids care whether your are chinese, japanese or what ever just follow your heart. So I say yes, by all means email. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:51:45 PM | | Well OP, there are plenty of bi-racial children running around so I suspect their are probably a lot of women who will date outside of their ethnic background (we are all members of the same race...the human race). I have two bi-racial children and I have dated all over the map. Just keep looking...you will eventually find one who is open to dating an asian man. It seems to me that people fall into two categories IN GENERAL...those that will date outside of their ethnic background and those that won't. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:52:43 PM | I am going to be completely honest which is probably going to result in backlash, but considering I dont give a damn here we go.
My father (through adoption, but he is my father and the only one Ive ever had) is Japanese. He is an ass. Seeing the actions/beliefs of other family/friends of the Japanese persuasion on top of the actions of my father, I am VERY leery to date within the Asian community.
My daughters father as well as several men I've dated have been African-American. After being used by some, and having my daughters father turn into a man I didnt know existed instead of my best friend, I am also leery of dating within the black community.
By no means is race based, its history based. If people have had a lot of history with say, plumbers, they're going to hesitate to date another plumber. That being said, if someone messages me and catches my attention, Im not going to ignore them because some guy in the past made me feel sh!tty.
Though it sounds like this woman just has a type and uses her child as her scape goat (BOO!). There is nothing wrong with having a type but own up to it.
I wouldnt stop emailing people because of two experiences. People get more rejections then that emailing people in the same background. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:56:18 PM | | karmic, I'm not going to slam you but I will say that what you describe is difference in values/beliefs which in many ways can coincide with one's ethnic background/culture. It is good that you are still keeping an open mind....someone can look different and hold the same values/beliefs and it can work just fine.....so it is not so much appearance as it is a cultural difference than can be difficult to manage. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:06:21 PM | | KarmicEvolution Then let me ask you this -- how would you say that you're beliefs/values are not typical of that culture? There are a lot of traditional Chinese values which I don't believe in and things which I don't value. I'm Chinese but I was raised here in Canada. My values and beliefs are mostly Canadian but I have some Chinese values too. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:06:46 PM | | Karmic I have to agree with you to a point. I tell people I won't date bar tenders, because the last three were bar tenders. So I am leary too. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:16:04 PM | For the Japanese half of my post, there was a lot of times where women were looked at as inferior, this wasnt the only thing but the major factor. Im more then aware that this isnt the norm especially among people born and raised in Canada.
Basically... If youve been bitten by 2 or 3 german shepperds, you probably wont be running out to find yourself another german shepperd to cuddle with. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:17:56 PM | It's really about your area, in New York where it is multi cultural you will see EXTENSIVE racism when it comes to serious relationships.
I had a chinese girfriend whose parents were totally fine with her dating me, never had any issues with them. ( that relationship ended due to her lack of maturity )
Sure you can have sex with white women but they won't have a serious relationship with or marry you if it is not socially acceptable in their life.
It goes for both sides, i dated a Japanese woman years ago, her father married a Gaijin, he however wanted his daughter to marry a japanese man.
Granted i won him over with my integrity,honesty and the love i showed his daughter and he gave me his blessing to marry her. ( the relationship ended for other reasons )
But deep down preferences are preferences.
Keep trying and you will find someone who is ok with your culture and race. Just don't over analyze it, accept it for what it is -ignorance, and move on. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:35:08 PM | I don't think you're wasting your time. You don't know if someone is interested or not before you try! Giving up would be the same as giving up on trying to talk to ANY woman because a few have said they're not interested.
Honestly(and perhaps sadly)... I think a lot of people are probably this way. But that certainly doesn't mean everyone is. I'm a white single mother and I'd have no problem dating a Chinese man given I liked him. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:40:05 PM | I'm really surprised you were in Ottawa, I can see this happening in the States. It might only be an excuse. Maybe she just isn't attracted to Asian guys. Just like I'd prefer not to date guys from Gatineau. lol (Ottawa joke). | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:40:23 PM | "My preference for dating is tall men with dark hair and hazel eyes... this is the physical attributes I'm most attracted to and well, no one can tell me that I'm wrong in this... the same way we cannot tell someone that wishes to only date caucasians that they are wrong in their preference. "
I don't think the OP is saying they are wrong. He seems to just want to know if he should stop trying... if it's useless.
Also... understand that the reason she gave wasn't because she's not physically attracted to Chinese men. It was because she has a white child. Maybe her concerns are more along the lines of being more accepted by society? Maybe her concerns have to do with the child questioning a possible step father? Maybe her concerns have to do with the child being accepted? I think it's sad to make a decision based on much of this... as race really shouldn't matter that much. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:22:19 PM | I think race is frequently a factor; normally along 3 general lines:
1. Physical/sexual attraction: I know there are many arguments that say this is a 'choice' rather than an 'involuntary' preference. Maybe that's true; I am not entirely convinced. What I do know, based on my own personal experiences is that despite the implication that if it's a choice, that it is within my control to make a different one, just as I find other physical attributes 'unattractive' those attributes along the line of race are no different. And if there is a way to overcome that I am yet to find it.
2. Assumptions made about a particular race based on personal experience. This one's a bit tougher. It's not really reasonable or rational to determine that all men/women of a particular race are of a certain character based on a handful of people. However it is clear that when there are certain cultural traditions or religious practices that are very strongly connected to a particular race it is not unreasonable to chose not to date men/women of that race if those traditions are just too incompatible with your own.
3. Assumptions made about a particular race based on social conditioning, education (or lack thereof), upbringing, community attitudes, etc. Very unfair, but extraordinarily difficult to change. And whilst you may be able to shift that sort prejudice a little, but the chances of someone not only being able to realise how unreasonable it is, but also find themselves physically/sexually attracted to men/women of that race - very unlikely.
Also there are still plenty of concentrations of populations that are completely racist and if someone lives in one of those communities they may simply be unwilling to deal with the backlash of dating someone from the race which that community rejects and certainly unwilling to subject their child/ren to the backlash. Racist parents teach their children to be racist as well and children can be unfathomably cruel to other children.
And if you add to that a woman who wants more children, and she lives in a community where a child of mixed race is ostracised or she can't cope with having children that are of different racial backgrounds (ie. she wants all her children to 'look alike'), very little you can do to change that.
And then of course there is the person who is afraid of what others/their family/community etc might 'think'. OP, sounds like the woman you emailed is either one of those people and/or actually fits into one of the other 3 categories but is afraid to say so.
Does any of that mean you should 'give up' contacting Caucasian women? No more than you should 'give up' contacting women of any race I think. You'll probably get just as much 'rejection' by Asian women! And just as many 'Yeses'!
It would be just as illogical for you to just decide that no Caucasian woman, whether she is a parent or not will be interested in you as it is for them to decide not to date an Asian man for some of the above reasons. Why limit yourself?
I could care less what race a man is in relation to me or my children. I do however have some physical/sexual preferences that will affect my choices.
So no, you don't give up. You contact those whose profiles you find interesting and attractive to you and the rest is up to them. Don't invest any time or energy in that which is outside your control. You get a "no", you move on.
Oh, PS. Yes we live in a multicultural world. We do not however live in a world where all races, cultures and religions are accepted unreservedly by all people. | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:23:49 PM |
Also... understand that the reason she gave wasn't because she's not physically attracted to Chinese men. It was because she has a white child. Maybe her concerns are more along the lines of being more accepted by society? Maybe her concerns have to do with the child questioning a possible step father? Maybe her concerns have to do with the child being accepted? I think it's sad to make a decision based on much of this... as race really shouldn't matter that much.
Exactly Iansmom, that's what I was more asking about. Is that a big thing for single moms, the race of partner vs race of child? And if so, should I even bother? | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:35:10 PM |
I'm really surprised you were in Ottawa, I can see this happening in the States. It might only be an excuse. Maybe she just isn't attracted to Asian guys. Just like I'd prefer not to date guys from Gatineau. lol (Ottawa joke).
Living in Ottawa also, I get that joke.....  | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:36:54 PM | I am white
My father is Japanese
My daughter is half black
Race doesnt matter to me.
Who I am dating and my daughter are two completely separate things. I dont even think of the colour of a person when it comes to my daughter, my thoughts are if theyre going to be a good influence, are they a good person, who they are not what they look like.
On another note: I also prefer not to date men from Gatineau, hence moving back home away from Ottawa...lol | |
|
| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:38:44 PM | | I think it is important for a lot of single moms, Regnis. But definitely not all of us. And yes, I think you should still persue who you're interested in. You never know until you try. Good luck to you! | |
|
| |
Home
login 
