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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:29:40 PM | I'm going to tell you all a story. I know the forum rules state for no "self pity threads" but since this is a Broken Hearts forum I sort of felt that any sort of thread would, in some way, break that rule. If what I am about to post does indeed violate this rule unlike other posts then I apologize.
I'm not sure where to begin. We got married in July, went on our honeymoon and came back to start our life together. And everything was wonderful for a little while. But it quickly went downhill and I don't understand why.
The first inclination was when she came to me and said she wasn't sure where the relationship was going. The reason was that I smoked, I ate very unhealthy and I spent hours all day and night playing World of Warcraft when not working. She expressed doubt in us having children if I couldn't change these things. At the very start I was very bothered by this, I didn't want to change so many aspects to my daily life. But for her, I was willing. I quit smoking, I played less WoW until I willingly quit on my own and I joined a gym to work some fat off.
But she wasn't happy. I still stayed up late because I didn't become tired at the same time as her since we worked different schedules. She more than once expressed to me that she didn't like this, that her going to sleep alone made her feel like we weren't married and that she would be better off at her mother's house if that was the case. I apologized but explained I was a night owl, it's how I was and it wasn't a big deal. Apparently, it was.
We began to grow distant and I started to pay attention to the way she acted more. She would go to the gym 3-4 times a week with her mother and sister and not get home until 8 or 9 at night. Even if she didn't go to the gym she would be spending time with them and get home fairly late (her job closes at 5). When she got home, she would sit on the couch, watch TV and be on facebook talking to people. She never cleaned and rarely cooked. A few times when I tried to cuddle up to her she got angry and accused me of trying to sneak looks at her computer screen. I didn't understand this.
And things continued on downhill. She kept pulling away from me. She stopped all intimacy until we felt like roommates. I began to worry and went to friends, told them what was going on and almost always their first reaction was "maybe she's cheating". This soon? Three months into the marriage? It's not possible. I resisted the urge to believe it but then I googled symptoms of infidelity and I saw so many of them. Staying out late, stopping intimacy, having secretive conversations either by phone or computer. And then the wallop that set everything in super fast motion.
On October 10th we went to see a movie and while in line to get snacks there was a woman berating a worker behind the counter. I immediately stepped in to chastise her for this and my wife hated this. She said I shouldn't have gotten involved and that it was none of my business. And she's right, but I explained that I felt defending that worker was a pious act because it was a job similar to mine. You see, for 10 years at my job, I was an ass to customers who mouthed off. I honestly believed that the customer was NOT always right and that if they made unfair demands or insulted someone who worked there, whether or not it was me, it was my duty as a human being to try and teach them a lesson about how to be a better person. I was arrogant, I was insensitive and I walked around like I was God's gift to man when there. No customer who ever made a demand was ever right as far as I was concerned and I made no point of hiding this from my wife for the entirety of our dating. She never complained before though so I never thought it bothered her. A few hours after the concession stand incident I got her to admit the root of the problem in our relationship: she said she no longer was "in love" with me like she used to be. Her feelings had waned. And I did not understand why.
On October 11th I got fired from my job for precisely this behavior. They finally had enough. I came home, ****ed about it, and after a while she left because she had a planned dinner with her parents. After she left I realized I didn't want to stay home so I texted her to ask to come along and she told me I could not. Apparently her mother said I couldn't because "we have relatives coming". What does that mean? Wasn't I now a relative?
I freaked out. I accused her of lying and asked where she really was. We argued in texts for a while and she swore up and down that she was with her parents. Later on her facebook comments supported this, proving to me I was wrong. So there was another reason I wasn't allowed to go, and it wasn't cheating. I understood that. But I knew there had to be a reason for her pulling away and clearly appearing to not wish to be married to me anymore, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Fast forward a week. I try to talk to her about things, I try to work things out but she refuses to listen. It is possible that all I was really trying to do was convince her of my side without understanding her's. She said she couldn't imagine having children with me for fear that I would teach them how to be rude, disrespectful ***holes. My reply was callous: "this is who I am, you knew this when you married me, why can't you accept it?"
Not long after that she packed her things and left. Before she got to the house though, my mother said "make sure you get the engagement ring back". It was a family heirloom, originally my grandmother's and a very old ring that had special sentimental value to my family. As she was packing I asked for it and she freaked out, saying that by asking for the engagement ring I was declaring our marriage officially over. I didn't think asking for the ring would mean this, not for a second. I begged her to keep it but she wouldn't, so when she wasn't looking I put it into one of her bags before she left.
The following week was Hell. I cried constantly, obsessively looking at all our wedding photos and trying to figure out what went wrong. After a few days of sporadic text conversations she said to me, "you never made me feel loved or that I was special in your heart so why should I have felt that way for you?" And it hit me.
She didn't pull away for all those weeks prior to this. I showed insensitivity towards her feelings and unconsciously drove her away. She never thought about cheating, she started to realize that she married a terrible person, a mean and angry and spiteful person and not at all like the person she fell in love with. And this pained me to no end. I realized I had to change myself if there was any hope of getting her back.
A week after she left we met up to talk. I told her all these things, my realizations of how I acted and that I would do anything to get her back into my life because I loved her and wanted no one else for my future but her. That wasn't good enough though. I asked for the ring back and according to her I was solely responsible for ending the marriage. Being suspicious of her activities and calling her a liar, according to her, was verbal abuse! "How can I go back to someone who did all this to me? How can I be sure it won't happen again?"
I asked her to forgive me. If she truly loved me, she would be able to forgive me and come back. But she was not able to. She put all the blame on me and I was willingly accepting it. To me, it felt like her pride and her belief that she was beyond being hurt was not letting her forgive me.
I tried to explain myself. The things I saw for weeks and the things people told me for weeks that led to me finally cracking and believing for a few moments that she might be cheating on me. I'm only human. Her response: "Can't you think for yourself?" She tried to say that the accusation is what made her stop being in love with me and when I called her on this and told her that she admitted this BEFORE the accusation she just changed the direction of the conversation. She didn't acknowledge this inconsistency. She complained about how I would never think before speaking, so when I told her I stayed up all night thinking of the right things to say on our meeting a week after she left she said, "so that was scripted, you weren't speaking from the heart." I tried to call her on this other inconsistency and she had no answer, she redirected the argument. "If I didn't leave you, you wouldn't have realized this was all your fault," she said. My reply: "We planned on going to counseling together and it would have come out then." No reply, she redirected the argument.
And no matter what I did, no matter what I said, she put all the blame on me and accepted none for herself. And that's why I'm writing about her here on I Hate Stupid ****es. I gave her my heart, I gave her my soul. Every day when I woke up I was happy beyond words for her being in my life. Yes, I was an insensitive ***hole sometimes, I didn't read between the lines of her words. But honestly, what guy NEVER makes that mistake with their girlfriend/fiance/wife? What guy is so perfect that he understands everything a woman says? I never hit her, I never berated her or put her down, I never cheated on her. But I did get suspicious of her for a little while out of confusion for what I saw plain as day was the deterioration of our marriage. However I blamed her entirely and didn't see at first that it was possible for the problem to be me. But I did realize it, but that wasn't enough for her. If she was not able to forgive me for this then as far as I'm concerned she never really loved me. Love is about forgiveness and faith, it's about knowing someone hurt you and having the faith to believe they won't do it again.
Last night the end truly came. I talked to her for about two hours in IMs, trying to reconcile but she would hear nothing of it. She said I never showed her that I loved her, that all I did was ignore her and that the entire loss of the marriage rested squarely on me. No matter how much I told her I did love her and that I only wanted her in my life she just remained shut off to me. She said she no longer loved me at all and could not rediscover those feelings. She said she wouldn't even try. "I can't find what I don't have" she said.
So here I am, broken, alone, absolutely devastated that the one woman I ever loved is gone forever. My friends and family tell me she's insane and that I did nothing wrong. I don't fully believe them. I feel I could have done things better. I could have listened better and changed quicker. All my life I prayed to God to just bring me a woman who loved me for who I was. And I had that. And apparently, because of the way I was, I also lost her.
How wrong was I? How wrong was she? Two years of blissful, perfect dating and she lost all love for me in 3 months. Is that even possible? Am I just unlucky? Or is this a valuable lesson from God? | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:18:09 PM | | Mann,....those Video games will get ya everytime.....tsk...tsk...had a girlfriend call off her wedding that was to take place on Halloween because of it....their the devil i tell ya....tsk...tsk.... | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:29:39 PM | I never EVER read anything that long (here on POF) but ....
I read the entire thing. I think I read it all because it was written well.
1. People do strange things sometimes. My wife of 17 years dumped me right out of the blue.
2. Yes OP - you do seem like you could be an azzhat.
Trying to box her in - trip her up, while in heated discussions what in the world do you think that was doing?
It was reinforcing your azzhat-ness over and over and over.
Dealing with a loved on is NO TIME for your WIN AT ALL COST. There is no winner in an argument. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:53:21 PM | I have to agree with Ron that that's a rather stupendous wall of text you've written OP... I also read it because it was fairly well written but you have to know, the length of it is going to cut down on your responses.
My overall impression is that something is missing from this story. If you were together for 2 years before getting married, she obviously knew you smoked, played computer games and how you looked so the change once you were married was in how you treated her OR her own discovery that she really does not want to be married to you. Sometimes, people get married and decide that once the deal is signed and sealed, they don't need to make any further efforts to be romantic. It's also the case that sometimes people go through with a wedding to "save face" once the invitations have been sent out. It appears that within a very short period of time, she experienced some sudden realizations that might just as easily be about what SHE WANTS as they are about your perceived inadequacies as a husband, lover and partner.
It doesn't improve the view from our place on the perch that you are advertising yourself as "divorced" in your profile and already seeking to replace your "beloved" on a dating site while you try to persuade her to return to your marriage.
I think you both need to take a breather and let the feelings calm down so that you can logically sort through what has happened to your marriage. Something appears to be irreparably broken. You need to find out what that was and that can take some time and a great deal of self-honesty. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:01:34 PM | You sound like a complete and utter tool. Use this opportunity to change your ways.
PS, nice touch showing "divorced" on your profile. You would do well to forget about dating and concentrate on changing your ways. Who knows - perhaps if you show some progress and improvement she'll come back. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:04:52 PM | You make valid points, Silken. As for something missing, there is something missing. Her and I never really had good conversation throughout the entire relationship. We made small talk but never got into really deep, hours-long discussions about anything. She never seemed bothered by it so I didn't think much of it. It did bother me a little that we often didn't have a lot to talk about but I was going with the flow. She was madly in love with me and I felt myself lucky for that.
As for the World of Warcraft, when she first asked me to play less I did just that. I played less and tried to spend more time with her but she was largely already cold to me. I picked up another online game briefly but found it boring and quit and just hooked a playstation up to pass the time in the evenings because she wasn't in any way interested in me. As mentioned, she would sit on the couch either napping, watching TV or chatting on Facebook.
She said I ignored her. That I only wanted sex when it was convenient for me and that she never felt loved. To a point she was right. When I was heavily into WoW I did, without realize it, often pay more attention to the game than to her. When I realized this I stopped doing it immediately. I still played the game but I didn't get so involved that I couldn't attend to her at a moment's notice. In all honesty, I did think I showed her love. I wanted to get close, I told her I loved her all the time, I would send her flowers at work at random (not obsessively, but once every few months), I showed genuine interest in the things she liked. Yet she still didn't feel loved? I'm not really sure what else I was supposed to do to show it. I proposed marriage for Christ's sake! I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, to have children with her. Who does that without loving someone?
Oh, and as for advertising myself as divorced, yea that's not entirely accurate. But it will be happening soon enough. I came to this site, and many others, because I need to find someone new. I can't be sitting around in self-pity forever, miserable and lonely. Yes, I miss her. I love her dearly still and will for the rest of my life in spite of all her flaws. But I will not simply be alone. That is just not an option. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:09:09 PM | Make improvements? I did everything she asked and was happy to do it. I can still be a bit of a narcissistic ass sometimes but I have every intention of changing that. She didn't give me the chance though. She blamed me for ending the marriage based off all those little things. Isn't it a little strange that, as she went from one thing to the next, and I changed them, she moved on to new things to complain about? Until she got to something I couldn't change quick enough and she used that as the reason to bail.
It's quite possible she just felt she didn't want to be married to me but did not have a real, valid reason. So she made reasons up. Because she knew everything about me for two years, no reason they should suddenly become a problem three months into the marriage.
We're all tools sometimes. It's those who don't want to change it that are the problem. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:12:50 PM | But I will not simply be alone. That is just not an option.......
that just SCREAMS DESPERATION!!!!!!!
You need to be on your own for a while before embarking on another screwed up relationship. Are you not okay with being on your own? It is only if you are truly okay with being on your own is when you are truly ready for a relationship.
Besides, you aren't even divorced.......S E P A R A T E D is still married! - aside from the fact you are still MARRIED not to mention hung up on your soon to be ex, what in the hell are you doing on here, anyway?
A quiz:
What are you the day before you are married?
A. Married
B. Single
What are you the day before your divorce?
A. Married
B. Single
What are you the day after your divorce?
A. Married
B. Single
need I say more????? | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:17:35 PM | | Yes, it's desperation, I'm not afraid to admit that. If it's such an issue I'll go change my marital status to separated. Not like I'm getting a single hit on this site anyway. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:44:28 PM | I bet she married you thinking she was gonna change your behavior or that your behavior would change of your own accord....thats her mistake.
You are not a terrible, evil person. I know you feel like shiat right now, but it takes two people to ruin a relationship. You did your part to make ammends and she is not having it....you did what you could.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, but hang in there. I don't know if you are a spiritual person or not, but pain is a touchstone towards growth. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:47:16 PM |
You make valid points, Silken. As for something missing, there is something missing. Her and I never really had good conversation throughout the entire relationship. We made small talk but never got into really deep, hours-long discussions about anything. She never seemed bothered by it so I didn't think much of it. It did bother me a little that we often didn't have a lot to talk about but I was going with the flow. She was madly in love with me and I felt myself lucky for that.
A marriage without good communication between the spouses can be one of the loneliest places on earth. All the flowers in the world don't make up for feeling like the person one is married to is their very best friend.
I find it interesting that you say: "she was madly in love with me". How could she have been madly in love with you if you didn't speak your mind or have the occasional meaningful pillow-talk where secrets, dreams and hopes are exchanged? Chances are pretty good that she didn't feel that she knew you or even, that you knew her if your relationship was not dotted with these truly intimate moments.
When people come to trust that they are loved, it is almost ALWAYS because they not only believe that they know the real person who is their spouse but also that they feel that their spouse knows who they truly are. If either one of these elements are missing due to poor communication, it should come as no surprise that the untended garden is going to grow weeds.
You say that you expressed genuine interest in "the things she liked" but it seems to me that she needed you to be interested in who she was. You say that you continued on with your video games while remaining at her disposal but to me, that's a fairly half-assed way to console yourself that you were actually spending a quality evening with your wife. Why didn't you plan some special evenings that were just about spending time together with no other disturbances? Date nights? "Just us" times that weren't necessarily about making love but rather about connecting with one another through talking or just enjoying being together?
When you say that your asking her to marry you was a sign of your great love for her, it gives me a hint that you do have some narcissistic traits that you might want to be seriously looking at. Love is an action word and it isn't the case that all you need to do is be the warm body speaking some words or standing at the altar when she gets there.
Oh, and as for advertising myself as divorced, yea that's not entirely accurate. But it will be happening soon enough. I came to this site, and many others, because I need to find someone new. I can't be sitting around in self-pity forever, miserable and lonely. Yes, I miss her. I love her dearly still and will for the rest of my life in spite of all her flaws. But I will not simply be alone. That is just not an option.
The foregoing quote reveals more than I think you realize. It's entirely possible that your wife came to understand that her place in your life was to keep you from being alone rather than being someone you cherished and respected. I don't know any woman who wants to be some man's place-marker.
The more you post, the more you make it appear that you really don't understand what real love truly is. I suspect that it will be a huge part of your own journey in this life to come to understand AND VALUE the difference between being a life-partner to someone that you share intimacy on every level with as opposed to being someone that simply shares space with another someone.
And no OP... it's really NOT okay to say that you're divorced when you're not. You're being dishonest. Stop it!  | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:54:12 PM | | I changed it, don't worry. And maybe I don't understand what true love is. I thought I did, but maybe not. Either way, I woke up every day feeling lucky as hell to have her in my life and now that feeling is gone. Is it so wrong to want to get that feeling back? I obviously won't be getting it with her so I have to find someone new. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:07:57 PM |
I changed it, don't worry. And maybe I don't understand what true love is. I thought I did, but maybe not. Either way, I woke up every day feeling lucky as hell to have her in my life and now that feeling is gone. Is it so wrong to want to get that feeling back? I obviously won't be getting it with her so I have to find someone new.
To love and be loved is one of the most beautiful things that can happen to any of us in this life. BUT.... It's so much more than finding someone that can keep you from feeling lonely. When you marry to avoid your own company or to avoid feeling lonely, you are marrying to fill YOUR need. That ISN'T about loving someone else or what they might need. That makes another person no more than a useful appliance.
If you don't learn what life is challenging you to learn OP, finding someone new isn't going to help because you will simply end up in the same situation over and over again until you figure out what is wrong with using another person to complete yourself.
If you can't bear being alone, you truly need to find out why you can't. I suspect the answer to that question will also answer some of the questions you have about why your marriage failed. Don't be afraid of the silence... It has messages if you are brave enough to hear them.
Good luck to you. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:19:11 PM | The whole thing about communication and "pillow talk" as you say, I tried this. She never really could open up to me about things very freely. She doesn't go to friends with her problems and bottles everything up inside. When the problems in our marriage started she actually told me that her whole strategy for dealing with it was to sit back, do nothing and hope it got better. That just makes no sense to me. I try to talk about things, analyze things, get to the source. But whenever I tried to analyze the problems she would just sarcastically tell me stop trying to be a psychologist because I wasn't formally educated as one.
I did ask her things, try to get to know her, but it was hard sometimes. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:51:13 PM | | In childhood love includes the desperate need for the loved one to stay. That is dependency. Saying "I love you" often expresses the fear, "don't leave me!". Then gestures to express love are actually rituals to secure the bond, for the sake of dependency. You say you love her every day. That's not affection it's a reminder of her obligation to stay with you. Anyway, you have ideas in your head about work and love that are rigid and impractical, so the next step is to stop thinking it's your job to manage life by being right about how things should be, what people should do and feel. Open up so when you have a relationship it is actually a matter of relating to someone, and not just making an arrangement about sequential time spent together during which your own private world carries on as ever. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:07:42 AM | "But it quickly went downhill and I don't understand why." You told us why you just can't see it. You should have grown up at least when you said I do but you chose to remain a selfish child. You get married it isn't about what you want anymore, it is a compromise of what you both want. "you never made me feel loved or that I was special in your heart so why should I have felt that way for you?" You were guilty as charged, WOW and the other losers that do nothing but play it was way more important than her. If you didn't go to bed with her when the hell did you ever make love to her? What did you do, hit it and run to play WOW? Pathetic.
Where in the world did you get the idea that you get married and you get to play WOW all night while your wife sleeps alone all night? What kind of relationship did your parents have and what was your dad like?
When she came to you and said there was a problem you should have suggested getting help right away. God forbid you get a second love of your life but if you do you had better fix your issues first and go to pre marital counseling with her so you can learn to talk to her and how to communicate.
God answered your prayer and you let her go, no you forced her to go. You didn't say she told you to completely quit your games she just wanted you to sleep with her. I am a night person too and do a lot of my work at night but I ALWAYS adapt myself to the schedule of my girlfriend so when we get to the sleeping together part I am there with her on her schedule, to me it is well worth changing my schedule to have someone to sleep next to. Lucky for me I set my own work days and hours so I adapt easy. If your job hours was in conflict with hers I would have looked for another one that wasn't
I tend to eat better which I usually do and I exercise more when I am in a relationship so I can look and feel better for both of us.
A non smoker also does not like licking a ash tray which is what kissing a smoker is like. If she didn't smoke you should have clued in on it and figured out if it was going to be a issue when you got married. If you don't want to give up smoking never date a non smoker as it will become a issue. She should have let you know before marriage which my money is on that she did and you just didn't care.
You called her a liar for going to dinner with her parents, that marks the start of you being a control freak. As for not inviting you it sounds like you are immature and an embarrassment so that is probably why or she needed to vent about the way you acted towards her.
You got in a confrontation at a theatre which if you had a problem you should have noted the time and called management later when she wasn't there. Women don't like confrontations with others unless you are defending her in a altercation. Then you get fired for being a ass the next day, classy. When you are married you make sure you keep your job so she feels secure, if you got to eat some shit you do it and when you had your fill you find a better job.
You should have never tried to rationalize your behavior to her when she said there was a problem, you should have asked her what do I need to do to fix it. You need to realize YOU caused the biggest part of the problem and accept it and stop saying lame crap like "If she was not able to forgive me for this then as far as I'm concerned she never really loved me." as I doubt she didn't love you , you just became a unbearable ashole to her. She told you what was wrong but you didn't listen and told her it wasn't a big deal and it was, I don't blame her at all for leaving, why waste years with someone that doesn't give a damn.
Now her fault in this. If she knew you stayed up all night and played she should have asked you to adjust so that you could sleep together. She should have made a issue with the smoking and bad eating habits before you got married. Seriously I don't get how she dated you for that long and she didn't know what you were up to all night or that you were an insensitive ass all the time unless you lied about how you really were until you got married.
Now that said if she hasn't filed yet I would get my ash off to counseling and start fixing you. Ask her not to file yet as you want to get fixed so you can be together. I would tell her you are going to go because she was right and you want to fix you. Don't say a word about what you think she did wrong. When you go also offer to pay for her to go on her own so she can explain the issues to the counselor or her own and without you so he can hopefully explain it to you. As you progress write her letters telling her what you learned about yourself and what you will do in the future to be a better man for her. At some point you should both be in the sessions and hopefully you can get back together. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:25:21 AM | I did make the changes she asked, though. I spent more time with her, I quit smoking and I started eating healthy and going to the gym. I didn't wholly resist these requests. As for when we had sex, she did not like to have sex right before going to sleep anyway so it's not like me staying up prevented us from doing that.
She had always told me to stop smoking throughout our dating. I had quit already once but had a relapse in 2008. I was a month into being a successful and happy non-smoker when she left me. This was after all the changes I made and she redirected it to being a matter of my attitude.
She claims that the moment I asked for the engagement ring back I destroyed all shred of love she had for me in her heart. Really? By asking this? Does this make sense to anybody? Or does this sound a bit like a cop out?
The marriage started off bad, I won't deny that. There were things I could have done from day one to avoid the horrible situation I'm in now. However, she gave up on me after three months, 1.5-2 of which we had trouble. Doesn't anyone think that's a remarkably short time to throw away a marriage after two years of wonderful, argument-free dating? | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:24:21 AM | If you've done everything and changed everything...
How can you not come to the conclusion that the problem isn't in the 'doing'?
PS, Read msg 15... maybe 3 or 4 times... | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:48:30 AM |
But whenever I tried to analyze the problems she would just sarcastically tell me stop trying to be a psychologist because I wasn't formally educated as one.
That's what you weren't seeing.
A relationship is about relating, mainly in the moment, or you could call it being together. In your relationship there were problems for her in being together with you. So she would say so. Then you would ignore her in favor of solving what you thought the problem to be, and then explain to her about herself, the problem and the solution. So why didn't that work? Because you missed the whole point. You can't have a relationship alone in your own head. It takes being aware and responsive to the feelings of your partner, which is an entirely irrational proposition that to make sense of is to fail.
The stuff about your job, awful people skills but perfected justification. The ring? The symbolism of an engagement ring is lost on you. Her sarcasm was anger, from pain, in response to what you said; your words hurt her. What you do is focus on your own explanations, and because of how you think of people, the first things about the situation you overlook and dismiss are their feelings. Feelings are what matter most.
To you, the way you make sense of things, you have an idea of the situation and as far as it can work, you live by that, and you are reasonable and accommodating and well intentioned. But because that outlook is overly rational and precludes consideration of emotions, your solutions can make sense only to yourself and not work in reality. It's called needing to be right. To get along and make other people happy, find a way to be happy when they are right. Recognize that your view is limited and has quirks, that other people are making allowances for you, that other people know best about their own feelings, needs and reasons, and that with women especially when they are upset about something, the upset matters far more than the something. Then you can make the mistake of explaining why they have no reason to be upset, or you can listen and find out what they need from you.
You will find a way to dismiss and deflect any part of feedback that doesn't suit you. But after you do that, go over it a second time and pretend the other person was right, and think of how that could make sense, and what they were reacting to, and about how they went about expressing their ideas. You know your own mind too well and need to learn about the many ways people have of seeing things and making sense or not, different from your own ways, sometimes in conflict with your ways, but there to relate with nonetheless. When you can do more than present your own idea then rate others accordingly, you're able to actually hear and understand what people mean, and not just use what they say to your own ends. People like being heard, and even better if you care how they feel and show it, sometimes by shutting the **** up and giving them a hug. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:59:57 AM | I wish there was some way I could cope with this. Coming to this site to find a "replacement" was obviously a mistake, I've known that since the moment I signed up.
I really miss her. I spend every waking minute reflecting on how happy we were and all the mistakes I made and what I could have done better to not let them happen. All I want is to be able to go back and do it right but that's not an option.
I tried talking to her in the two weeks since she left, but obviously my approach was all wrong. I tried to relate to how she felt and point out my flaws and how I wanted to fix them but she didn't seem to care. Her mind was made up and nothing I said could possibly change that. She said it's over. Just like that. I'd made too many grievous errors and she feels I would just repeat them. Now that I know about them, would I?
I really need help. Some kind of help. A glimmer of hope that she'd come back. Some kind of reinforcement that I'm not the terrible, heartless person some of these replies say I am. I would do anything on this Earth to get her back and just give me the chance to fix my mistakes. But she wants nothing of it.
I don't know what to do. I still cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot leave the house except to buy cigarettes (naturally I relapsed when this started). It's been two weeks and I am completely lost and so miserably lonely.
Yes, I do need her to validate me. Is that really so wrong? Her love made me feel special, it made me feel complete, it made me feel for once like a real person. I prayed to God every day for years that he would bring someone like her into my life and he finally did. And now she's gone and to be completely honest, I sort of feel like no longer living.
Does anyone at all think there's a chance she'll come back? If I just give her a few weeks of me not contacting her, will she start to miss me? I changed so much out of my love for her because I wanted to see her happy, but she was never happy. I truly felt love for her but apparently didn't express it in the "proper" way. But she will not give me the chance to express it properly now and I have nothing. I AM nothing. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:10:04 AM | some wimen are like her.If you show that you can change things at her wim it becomes a game to them.A never ending game where nothing you do is good enuff and even tho you try your answers are met with"your not a marrage councelor"Shes not interested in the progress you make with yourself but rather throwing new things at you that she wants changed and watch you jump threw hoops.
If you want her back that bad use the "yeas dear"system.Stop bringing up how you made changes and she argues how you havent or brings up some other problem that needs changing just to change the subject to how you have failed again.Matter of fact,break the whole cycle and dont bring up you changeing ever again.If she brings it up jsut listen to what she says and say"yes dear"and make the changes.Dont argue it,dont talk about it,dont say your trying,just say yes dear and make the changes.Sooner or latter there wont be anything left to bring up to change about. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:35:38 AM | At the urgings of my best friend, I am going to be adding some of the things my wife did over the 3 months of our marriage that he feels I omitted.
I already mentioned that she would stay out late almost every night and then just sleep on the couch, watch television or talk on facebook. She would also text non-stop no matter where we were and no matter what we were doing, out on dates by ourselves, out with friends to dinner, always texting with a sly grin on her face and entirely uninvolved with the social setting.
Sometimes she would go out Friday and not come back until Saturday or Sunday. One particular time, she said she went to sleep over her mother's then went to a Yankee game on Saturday with a friend she freely admitted is a divorced straight man I've never met. Then she didn't get home until Sunday evening. "I was visiting friends in Brooklyn" she said.
From almost day one of us starting out marriage she put off doing the thank you cards and finishing the photo album. I would bring it up often but she kept deferring it. "I'll do it later, not right now" she would say.
And not once did she ever want to decorate the apartment. Not paint or set up girly things or anything. A couple of candles, that's about it. She didn't even bring all her stuff to the apartment. She had backup clothes, backup toiletries, seconds of everything still at her mother's.
She wouldn't even do her laundry at my house and we have machines. She would instead go to a laundromat because "they have bigger machines" she said.
She wouldn't even use the same blanket as me to sleep with, she had her own.
So, I felt I was in my rights to eventually get suspicious of her activities and accuse her of lying on that one day. I also feel, to a certain degree, that as much as I wasn't ready to be a husband, she wasn't ready to be a wife. Still doesn't change how much I love her though. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:33:51 PM | She said I ignored her. That I only wanted sex when it was convenient for me and that she never felt loved. To a point she was right. OK? How long does she stay and tolerate you preferring WoW (or other "things") to her company? You stated you dated for 2 years, and married for 3 months. I personally would try to get you to communicate with me, BUT if a person keeps getting shut down by you over and over again eventually they are going to shut you out and move on. Also if you were putting her down on a regular basis, I'll let you in on a little female secret: THAT"S THE FASTEST WAY TO KILL A WOMAN's SEX DRIVE.
Ok so let me wrap it up here:
1. You shut her out emotionally.
2. You put her down on a regular basis.
= You never put her first.
Hopefully you will have learned from this, try not to think only of yourself in future relationships. | |
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