| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:04:00 PM | I just read through some of the threads and posts in the Single Parents forum. Most of them were depressing! I thought it would be nice for those of who have had loving step-parents to briefly share our stories. Here goes mine...
My mother started dating my step-father when I was about five years old. They married when I was eight and they had my half-brother at the same time. I do know my biological father and am in contact with him. I never called my step-father "Dad" since I already had a dad (albiet not a very good one).
I won't lie, for YEARS my step-father and I were at each others throats. It was a serious adjustment for all of us. My mother chose to let my step-father help discipline me, which actually was not a bad thing. To make a long story short, my two year old son is named after my step-father, who, can still drive me crazy, but who I love and respect more than any other man I know. Though I don't call my step-father "dad" I do refer to him and my mother as my parents. My parents have been married for 22 years now and I hope that someday I will have a love like theirs.
There are positive stories out there for single parents, I think we need share them. | |
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| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:19:04 AM | I think to a degree, the discord between you and your stepfather was probably pretty normal because that happens in bio-families, we just don't realize that the step part of it often makes little difference.
My parents were together until the day my father died but my stepson of 19 years started calling me mom a couple of years ago and he has an excellent relationship with his mother. Confuses his girlfriend, because she often doesn't know which one of us he is talking about.
Butted heads with him every day about the time he turned 16. When his dad and I visited him about 10 years ago, he apologized to me for everything he had put me through, didn't say jack to his dad. | |
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| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:31:55 AM | Ya know.. generally speaking a title like this is based upon behaviors. In your own words you said your sperm-donor was "not a very good one". You say that and totally disregard that this man committed to your mom.. and a self-described bratty little snot, and STUCK AROUND, demonstrating honor, character, and commitment along with enough LOVE to say no.. even when the object of his love was disrespectful.
He gave you an incredible gift these last 22 yrs. A mother who was loved and cherished. Naming your son after him is nice, but there are few never-before-used names out there in the world.
Their are married fathers who stick it out.. but also are abusive, controlling and JUST a wallet. THEY get the title of Dad most times
BEING a DAD.. is a chosen behavior towards that child and the family unit.
I suggest you get out of your rigid box thinking.. and go UP to this man, apologize for your past "at-each-others-throats behavior, put your arms around his neck and ask:
Would it be ok if I called you Dad? You've BEEN that to me all these years.
Then watch and see if that "still drive me crazy" stuff diminishes.
Just a loving idea. | |
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| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:04:31 PM | My parents were married for 60 years so I have no experience as a child with a step parent.
With my own kids I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly. My younger daughters' father wasn't a very good step-father to my older daughter but he wasn't an absolutely horrid one either. There seemed to be some jealously between the 2 of them over me and my time. Instead of getting better it seemed to get worse over time. He also seemed to become more and more uptight and inclined to parent like we were living in the freaking 50s. He's that way with our bio-children too, and it hasn't worked any better in that instance. But the girls know he loves them, only wants their happiness, and is concerned about their choices and futures.
My last husband, despite an addiction, was an extraordinary step father for the most part. First of all, the kids were never aware of his problem. Maybe that's more to my credit than his but at least he never used in front of my kids. Everytime I hear the song "Daddy Let Me Drive" I think of him and the kids in the pasture in his ol' truck. The kids called him every day when they arrived home from school to check in. If he was going to be in a meeting or something, he would call me to remind me to check on the kids as that was not part the regular routine. The women at my office were absolutely stunned at the level of his dedication to the kids. They had father/daughter days. He taught them to shoot his childhood BB gun and then gave it to them (and that was after our divorce). May he rest in peace.
He was the closest thing to a father my oldest daughter ever had, and my younger 2 daughters have been blessed to have 2 fathers. | |
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| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:22:11 PM | | I was adopted by a 4 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. About a year into the relationship the little girl began to call me dad. The little boy waited until later to do so. Then when the mother and I split, they refused to give up. And it was the boy the one that tried the hardest to get us back together. I am a disciplinarian, so when the kids are with me, they say "yes, sir" and most of the time they behave impeccably. I love to eat out at restaurants and before we could not take them, not anymore. The boy loves Caesar Salad, dislikes French Fries and loves spicy things. The girl hates broccoli, but does not like the bread on a hamburger. The little girl is now 6 and the boy is 5 and they are incredible children. One thing. Went we started the process of getting back together we kept the kids away from it. We wanted to make sure that WE could work together first, only then bring the kids into the equation. | |
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| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:56:26 PM | I had an awesome step mother and still keep in touch with her to this day, even tho my dad has been gone for 12 years now.
SHE is more of a mother to me than my own was. | |
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| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:43:24 PM | my daughter has an awsome step mom who has given her 2 half siblings. She and get along, so happy ending over here.  | |
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| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:53:53 PM | Nice thread. It is postive. Yes, I have had a great step mother. She is really the only mother I have had. She did not enter my life until I was 23. She has shown me how a man and a woman have a postive relationship. She has shown me unconditional love even though I told her she could not marry my father because I did not like her. Although after 20 years I love her as my mom. I introduce her as my mom.
I would not expect someone elses children to ever do that with me. It is because my mom had a tradgic car acident when I was 12 and even though she lived she never fully recovered and I lost her that fateful day. I had NO mother figure for the years I needed one the most. Mari (step mom) has made up for all that was lost. I tease her because I was adopted that is she sure she is not my biological mom. We are soooo similar. It is spooky. LOL
My step mom also changed my father for the better. I have not ever seen him so happy!! She is the love of his life and I am glad they found eachother. I am glad for the chance to be a part of her life as well. | |
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| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:21:40 PM | | Being a step-parent isn't easy. I've been raising my ex 13 yr old for 7 yrs, 3 on my own. Her father left and was a deadbeat from the time of her birth and was killed 4 yrs ago. Her mom was removed from the house for drug abuse and neglect and abuse of the kids. She has been calling me dad for 6 yrs ( except when she is really mad at me, lol ). She goes to counseling to help deal with the issues in her life. She is happy to be with me and her siblings. We have our problems ( of course) but we deal with it. With alot of love and communication we have developed an awesome relationship. She will always be my daughter. I've asked if she wants to be adopted and she asked what that would change. I told her nothing because I will always love her. She said someday she'd get married and her name would change anyway so she is happy with the way we live now. She has her bad days when the loss of her mom and bio-dad bothers her but she sees how good life is for her now and feels better. | |
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| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:09:35 PM | I'm a SORTA step dad to the first daugher of my biokids mother. (hope that made sense)
Instead of regaling all of you with a personal story.. I will try to keep within the direction of this thread. I say that first because it isnt and hasnt been all roses. However, this story DOES have multiple happy aspects to it and a happy ending too.
My step-grandaughter-that-I-seldom-see was hit by a car and dragged, causing her to be taken to the ER.
That particular ER is called "County USC" which is also where they take all the indigent and the criminals. They have a dozen or more ER's
I got the call and headed there. When I GOT there my son and daughter had arrived. They are "Auntie and Uncle" to their half-sister(s) kids in a very good way.
Well.. with this ER being so full of gangbangers.. and other miscreants.. security was better(or worse) than the Military. We were told at 9:02 that we were SOL until midnight until a shift change. My kids and the inlaws of the stepdaughter went off to the cafeteria to wait.. like good societal sheep.
I stuck around and just had a conversation with the guard. All of a sudden he said.. "You seem cool.. go in there and check out your daughter and grandbaby.. BUT.. if those ER staff say.. TIME TO GO.. just go"
I got in.. and my STEP daughter almost collapsed once she saw me. Needless to say I got her back up and strong.. made sure the baby was OK and arranged for all to be good.
My story here cant be totally understood without voice.. and greater explanation..
the main point is.. I CHOSE to BEHAVE in a manner necessary in the moment.. to make the world better for ALL around me. It wasnt about how close my stepdaughter was to me or not.. It was about rising up in the moment and DOING the right thing
I'm very proud of what I did.. but mostly proud because it really impressed my own son.. and has INSPIRED him to be MORE of a man.. than his peers. | |
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| Successful Step-parents
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:37:27 AM |
She said someday she'd get married and her name would change anyway so she is happy with the way we live now.
My girl, has told her mother that when she grows up she is going to marry me. Of course then the boy says that when he grows up he is going to marry mommy. Unlike you, singlesuperdad, the mom is actually an incredible mother. Even while going through cancer and having a low white cell count when her kids are sick she takes care of them, cleans their snot and doesn't care if she gets sick. But Mommy also gets what we discovered as a term "Chemo brain," and that is when everything goes into a fog and you forget things or become completely disoriented.
My job with the kids seem to me rather easy, and I think the reason is because I enjoy it and the kids enjoy it and I believe on being on top of each other like monkeys. So we spend tons of time giving affection, reading books together. Also being South American I have some traditions that I keep, dinner being one, and the kids love it. Take for instance last night. The kids had a Chick-fil-a earlier on, then we all went to a theatrical show at their school. When we got home, it was time for shower and bed, but the kids wanted to eat something of what I had even though it was a leftover, and more of a grown up food. So they sat there with a little plate and had their artichoke and chicken in a marinara sauce and pouschutoo and Parmesan cheese.
I would also like to ask these step dads, did you feel some incredible instinct to take care of these kids. I mean to me, they have become mine and I love them with all of my being. Is this what you experience as well? | |
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