| Second chances?
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:46:42 PM | A guess a big factor here is what made us break up in first place.
For instance: cheating and compulsive lying? Absolutely no second chance, ever. I don't care if I'm madly in love or not. Those things are just unacceptable to me. Any kind of abuse would qualify for no second chances too. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:48:00 PM | | Well, I think like you. If I ask someone out and she says no, then I won't ask again. If I break up with someone, then that's the end of it. I'm also big on the "circle of trust". Once you're out of it, you don't get back in. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:52:18 PM | | I guess if it was a minor disagreement or an argument that was over something stupid, I might consider it if I was really in love. Things like that can be overlooked sometimes. Sometimes a relationship is too valuable to throw away on something little that can be fixed. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:54:38 PM | I think you're abit too rigid OP.
For instance, if a girl doesn't go out with me but later wants to,
and if I'm still single, I would go out with her.
Why wouldn't I?
I mean the first rejection could be for any number of reasons.
Busy, bad timing...not knowing me.
We haven't dated so no reason to get bent about it.
As for breaking up and going out again, I've done that too.
Depends on the breakup and who broke up with who.
If cheated on...lied to...or other bad drama...no I wouldn't.
But again if timing isn't right or other issues...and we broke off amicably....
well maybe.
Depends if I saw potential and things have changed as opposed to just going in for round 2.
But each to their own. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:56:52 PM | | Well, sometimes people have arguments and they get carried away in the heat of it. After some reflection, you might realize that it was something that you can work on and not worth losing the person over. Just my opinion, of course. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:00:27 AM | Doesn't matter.
If you give second chances, why?
Perhaps they give second chances because they believe that the person can change or will change. We all know how that usually works out!
If I break up with someone, then there's a good reason for it. A reason that will be still present when considering second chances. Hence, no second chances.
Well, sometimes people have arguments and they get carried away in the heat of it. After some reflection, you might realize that it was something that you can work on and not worth losing the person over. Just my opinion, of course.
The key to this problem is to not make rash decisions. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:04:20 AM | Just because someone says no when asked out once, doesn't mean one shouldn't ask again. Someone might say no, but its because of school or work loads, and they simply cannot date anyone right now. But once things lighten up they are more than willing.
Have many friends who dated when in university and then broke up after graduating and settled into new jobs they got back together a few years later when things settled down.
Knew a nice man a couple years ago and then he was offered a partnership in a law firm and moved away, but has since moved back forty miles from me and wants to get together. Life is to short to say no to a person of quality.
~Beth~ | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:05:27 AM | | People have different ways of thinking. I don't think of loving someone as giving them a chance in the first place, so there is no such thing as a second chance since there wasn't a first chance. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:08:18 AM | In my case it was he who gave "us" the second chance. We had been together for 2 1/2 yrs and had lived together for 2 of those years but it wasn't a great relationship. Lots of fighting and miscommunications. Neither of us were happy but we felt like we were stuck in our living situation because we couldn't afford to live on our own. One day he said "I can't do this anymore" and broke up with me. He then wanted us to be roommates but I knew I couldn't be in that situation so I moved out. We helped each other move into new places and kept in touch as friends (it wasn't a bad breakup...just necessary).
The friend "hang outs" turned to more than just friend hang outs. They started to feel like dates. We were discovering each other in new ways and not moving so damn quickly as we did the first time (big BIG mistake moving in together after only 6 months of being together). It was really great and so about a year later I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said yes. We were together about a year. I am not sure exactly why he gave "us" another chance but I'm glad he did. Our first relationship was pretty sh!tty but I learned a lot the second time around.
I guess in a way I also gave us a second chance by continuing to see him after he broke up with me. I would say it was because I felt the reason we weren't working out is because we moved in way too quickly and didn't give ourselves enough time to really get to know the other person. We let petty things get in the way of us enjoying each other. Because we each lived in our own place the second time around, I felt like it would be a different relationship. And I was right. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:09:52 AM | | I find anyone to be unforgiving and those that are too forgiving to be the worst people to have relationships with so i tend to be more balanced in my approach. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:10:40 AM | Well we all have our own rules.
Not knocking yours or saying mine are better.
Just I'm a little older and have seen women and situations change.
for instance, a girl turns me down to go out with a loser.
Ok, fine. no sweat.
Then after all that drama she wises up and thinks...hmm maybe I should've went out with Stray.
Well she didn't miss her chance...
just worked up to my level.
People are not blocks of concrete stuck in stationary orbit.
We are organic beings that change and grow(hopefully).
The girl you end up with may not be someone you'd date now...or her you.
But given time, circumstance, and change yall may be great for each other down the road.
Just my way of thinking.
No better than yours.
Just I'm just abit philosophical about such things.
And flexible. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:10:54 AM | | You live in a very black and white world op. Unfortunately that is not how the world really is. In the real world people are not perfect. In the real world people make mistakes. While I would not ask out someone again who already said no, giving a second chance to someone I am in love with ,depending on what they did, is something I may very well do. We all say and do things we regret and don't mean and we would all like a second chance and forgiveness. Keep up that "hurt me and I will hate you until I die" attitude will only end up hurting yourself. Hurting and being hurt is a part of life. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:19:32 AM | You live in a very black and white world op. Unfortunately that is not how the world really is. In the real world people are not perfect. In the real world people make mistakes. While I would not ask out someone again who already said no, giving a second chance to someone I am in love with ,depending on what they did, is something I may very well do. We all say and do things we regret and don't mean and we would all like a second chance and forgiveness. Keep up that "hurt me and I will hate you until I die" will only end up hurting yourself. Hurting and being hurt is a part of life.
I definitely see your point, but this is the way I see it: If you did something serious enough to warrant a break up, then my opinion on that isn't going to change when considering a second chance. I tend to think in black and white, with some shades of grey, but I don't believe anyone is perfect. Thus far, posters have suggested second chances for little things. My question: why would you break up over something little? I have yet to break up with a woman for farting in bed! | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:34:39 AM | Each situation is unique, so I try not to apply hard & fast rules.
That said, I probably wouldn't ask out a woman a second time if she'd already turned me down once. You tell me "no," I take you at your word.
Splitting up a long-term relationship ... I'd always be willing to *listen* to the other person. I think you owe a lover that much consideration. Thinking back, I don't think I ever have gotten back together with someone after a breakup (except in a casual dating relationship), but that's just because when the end came, we both knew it.
Guess I'd just rather be open-minded than closed. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:41:38 AM | OP -- I have also noticed the continuous "on again/off again" syndrome that goes on in the posts spattered throughout these boards. Seems to be a recurring theme actually. And then they wonder why they're so damned miserable when they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again.
~sigh~
I have a lot of "this far, no further" lines in my life...but with relationships, they are few and far between. They used to be cast in stone once upon a time, but now they're almost fluid.
Like I used to say ex meant ex...but I have tried twice in my life (with some success) to go back to an ex. One in particular I'd take back on the spot if the opportunity ever presented itself. In between time though, ex doesn't always mean ex but it still means no contact. At least for me.
I do what I can to avoid the on again/off again charade that most people around here seem to relish in.
And like you, if I ask someone out and they say no - then no means no. Not "try harder", even if that truly is what they expect.
Nowadays, exceptions to rules are quite frequent with me lol. Some aren't and they're not likely to change. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:51:58 AM | Division77
Sounds...kinda rigid. I understand some of what you're saying but Stray_Cat said what I would have said. Sometimes circumstances warrant saying no or walking away, then coming back to one another. I think a lot of times people do things in the heat of the moment then realize that they screwed up.
Now...that being said...I'd have to really know that the person has changed to go backwards. I have an ex now telling me "I want you back." That sounds great right? But it's all about what he wants...he hasn't asked what I want out of this. Which is telling on his part. I have gone back to someone before--timing was bad for both of us. We ended up parting again because he moved halfway around the world. At the time there wasn't enough of a relationship to uproot--he wasn't ready to get married and I wasn't about to move to another country without a job and without something more sure.
I've done it...not very often. And obviously it's not worked out very well or I wouldn't still be here 
Would I do it again? Perhaps...but it would have to be a very compelling reason. Just someone telling me they want me back isn't enough. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:00:57 AM | Ive never been given or asked for a second chance if someone breaks up with me.
I broke up from a women I liked a lot because she had an ex boyfriend move into her home, without mentioning it to me. She wrote to me saying how she screwed up the relaionship. I mean come on it was an intensional act of deciet, why should I sucumb to someone that wants a second chance after doing such a thing, let her find somone who cared enough about her to test if she could be trustworthy, I dont feel she deserves it from me. Lesson of hard knocks.
She got what she wanted, a chance at the ex, cant have your cake and eat it too. Do you think a women would put up with me having an exgirlfriend move in my home, while I date her? Not very likely | |
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Savona
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Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 25 | |
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:19:06 AM |
People are not blocks of concrete stuck in stationary orbit.
We are organic beings that change and grow(hopefully).
The girl you end up with may not be someone you'd date now...or her you.
But given time, circumstance, and change yall may be great for each other down the road
Great post Stray.
I too am very flexible. There are people I have met along my life journey, they are a screw up and then they smarten up and we are friends. There are men who have been wackooo while getting their divorce, but once freedom hits they suddenly see the world in a different light.
Some people are busy getting teens to adults and so their lives change. We evolve with the world around us ... well most do anyway. I like to stay open and non judgmental ... I have given people chances over the years and wow oh wow it has paid off in spades.
Oh well some people can change and some are as rigid as a broom stick ... then there are those who walk like that broom stick is shoved right up their keister ... those people sure better find the perfect perfect person ... just like them perfect. Then they can be the perfect couple.
Isn't life so perfect !!!! 
Savona | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:32:43 AM |
I do what I can to avoid the on again/off again charade that most people around here seem to relish in.
I agree with what many of you have said. In general, a break up is a break up. I think long and hard before I break up with someone and I won't do it in the heat of the moment. Too many people do this push/pull thing and it's totally destructive. I don't want to participate in that...
That being said - the statistics are that most couples break up an average of three times before they marry. Weird, eh? I read that somewhere once and I believe it. Just looking at my own friends who have married - most of them had a break at some point.
Fights, in general, can be a good thing in a relationship. It allows you to see the other persons boundaries, etc. You may discover that some things that you think you may never budge on are things you SHOULD budge on.
I think getting back together requires the same amount of thought and consideration as the breakup did. You can't just go on "feelings", you have to think it out rationally.
I think there is a time and place for re-kindling a relationship. It just doesn't happen genuinely as often as people try to make it happen. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:46:24 AM | That being said - the statistics are that most couples break up an average of three times before they marry. Weird, eh? I read that somewhere once and I believe it. Just looking at my own friends who have married - most of them had a break at some point.
Funny how you mention that. One of my best friends (growing up) is now married to a woman that he dumped when they were going out. We (his male buds) thought it was the best thing he ever did when he broke up with her because she was toxic. They were broke up for about a year and, when they got back together, he tried to keep it a secret because he knew that we would give him a smack in the head. We tried to talk some sense into him, but ultimately, it was his decision and he ended up marrying her.
We never did truly understand why he took her back, but while drinking one night, it became very obvious. He's bald and didn't think anyone else would want him. He realized that she had a lot of problems, but he believed she could change. Last time I went home (because I no longer live where I grew up), he was off from work with depression and had a bunch of anti-depressant pills on the kitchen counter. Things haven't changed. This is very sad because he was always a happy and decent guy.
This is one story that gives second chances two thumbs down. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:00:21 AM | Yeah, I had a female friend that broke up with her future husband, also....
I broke up with 2 girlfriends twice....and probably would date the one again if the circumstances were right I think a lot of it is the time and place in your life. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:41:01 AM | The only person I have ever given a 2nd chance to is my Ex, the father of our children. When I am in a relationship I am committed and give my everything. The first break up was more of a warning that if things didn't change ( he had an alcohol problem) I would leave.
I helped him best I could with his addiction and was putting in more effort than it seemed he would. He'd had his warning, couldn't or didn't do anything about it, so I left. Never to go back.
Previous boyfriends never got the 2nd chance. I am, I think, a balanced individual and won't do a runner when the going gets tough without knowing I have given all options a try before walking.
I can hold my head up high knowing I have done everything in my power to make things work.
As for asking someone out who refused me before, I wouldn't know, as I have always been the one who's been asked out!. I think I'd be hesitant to ask someone out again though, but can't say for sure. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:14:50 AM | OP, it sounds like you have a binary view of the world, but I see it as a spectrum of possibilities. Your view may make decisions simpler, but probably limits your options. Of course, if you're an indecisive person, examing the spectrum of possibilities can tie you up in knots and leave you waffling - in which case a binary approach may be better.
Personally, if I followed your approach, I'd have missed out on the most incredible relationship of my life that has far surpassed every other. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:17:01 AM |
If I ask a girl out and she says no, I don't ask her out again, no exceptions.
Breaking up due to bigger issues may not warrant a second chance but NOT asking someone out again after saying NO sounds like a wounded pride talking. Have you not strive to reach your goal? Have you not committed mistakes ever that you would ask to be forgiven? False ego disappears when you forgive.
Giving second chances is almost similar to taking a chance. If ever I will give a second chance to an ex, we must agree to some changes for us not to repeat the same mistakes all over again in order for the relationship to succeed. But if it fails again, that's when I would say 'Enough' but at least I take a chance. However no more third chances. JMO.
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:34:00 AM | I think the multiple-chance thing is for those people who just wont make decisions based upon principles.. but instead run a willy-nilly life.
They are into the latest trauma/drama and enjoy it. It consumes them. You're right about seeing it in the posts on here too. They are all emotionally driven. They argue with the very people whom they've asked opinions of. I've seen opinions that are filled with logic and reason where the problem was so obvious, the OP of the post has provided the proper answer within the OPosting.. and is STILL asking "what to do"
Generally speaking.. if a relationship has deteriorated to the point of it NOT working.. or the parts that arent working are SO FRUSTRATING that you finally DO make a decision to SUSAN POWTER it (The STOP THE INSANITY Woman) Why would you rethink your decision?
The only reason would be that it WASNT a THOUGHT OUT DECISION but another emotion -driven PLOY to get the upper hand in your dysfunction.
People who give 2nd or 3rd chances WANT all the drama. They KNOW the level of misery that awaits them when they go back.. and miss it | |
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