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 Britt884
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1
Why some men never want marry?Page 1 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
Seems like more and more these days, I hear about men (and some women for that matter) that NEVER want to settle down and have a family. Seems like if anyone found their soulmate, they would want to get married and have kids with them. Yet, more often today, you see men who stay "bachelors" forever. Just wanted to know if any of you out there have this mindset in the reasons behind it. I mean, you always here people say "when someone meets the right person, they are always ready to settle down no matter what", yet for some people, this seems not to be the case. Jus thought it'd be interesting to hear some others takes on this!
 Britt884
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 2
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:57:13 AM
I guess I can sort of see your point with how the divorce rate is today. I think I read somewhere something like 50% of marriages are doomed. Not very encouraging.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 3
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Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:03:13 AM
It is all about attitude and material values these days... NOT for everyone, but for a good portion of men... There is no longer the value that once was placed on marriage, like it was how a family unit was built, and both partners depended on the other...

It was the ideal, and something that was expected in keeping the family name going on...

Now days men can get sex without promising anything, or BS a gal, and she is still willing to have sex, because these days it isn't considered the moral sin it used to be...

Of course you also see a lot more single mothers, who were never married and baby daddy some how dodges his financial responsibility, blaming the woman for NOT protecting her ovaries from his seed...

I just got married, ERRRRRR well I had a commitment ceremony, however neither of us are going to have kids, and todays marriages seem more like a great way for the government to keep up with what is going on in my personal life...

I can say that my spouse and I are committed to each other, exchanged vows, and rings, however we didn't feel the need to bring in the paper work, just because as I said, it is more about government...Our life is the same really as before, however our ceremony was really something that made us feel like we committed in the eyes of a higher power... Just our quirky thinking...

HOWEVER if I were younger, and wanted to have kids, then that legal document would be needed...Simply because it gets messy when it comes to two people have kids, and not being married to each other...

If you come across the proverbial commitment phob, I'd say move on, because not all men are like that...

For the guy who says people change, yes they do, and if two people love each other they keep that change within the growth for both partners... Life changes, but loving another doesn't have to be that thing that goes away... However if a person has the mind set that nothing lasts for ever, then they are right...
 Britt884
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 4
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:10:34 AM
Hmm. that's really interesting. I've never thought of having a ceremony without the paperwork.

I guess because I was raised in a very traditional household, where lots of value was placed on having the whole white picket fence, 2 kids, happily ever after scenerio, it has kind of shaped my views to want that. Also, nobody in my family is divorced-so that might have made me look at marriage more positively.

But it is interesting to hear some other perspectives, since women these days seem to have such problems with commitment phobes. lol.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 5
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Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:11:36 AM
From the "Been there, done that" perspective ...

I wouldn't be as quick to get married -- I'd want to be damned sure before I ever said "I do" again -- but I would never say "never."

And for exactly the reason you cite. If you find the right person, that's it; you're done. I'd just like to think I have better "right person" radar now.
 Britt884
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 6
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:38:16 AM
Well, maybe I should rephrase that a little. lol. I was mainly talking about marriage in this post. But some men I am friends with don't want to commit to anyone PERIOD. Like even a regular relationship. I hear about women dealing with this a lot too. Sorry for the confusion.
 mafi0
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 7
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:44:41 AM
you ever tried living with a woman?!

and you wonder why some of us wouldnt want to marry one!!
 harmonyharvest
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 8
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:28:30 AM
I enjoyed your posting 'nexthyme'

Re; "For the guy who says people change, yes they do, and if two people love each other they keep that change within the growth for both partners... Life changes, but loving another doesn't have to be that thing that goes away... However if a person has the mind set that nothing lasts for ever, then they are right..."

I totally agree and also think the same way as you. Life change, but loving one another does not. Excellent response back. I really liked your wording as well: "if two people love each they keep that change within the growth for both partners"

 Zuglo
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 9
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:46:25 AM

. I was mainly talking about marriage in this post. But some men I am friends with don't want to commit to anyone PERIOD. Like even a regular relationship.

Well, I think that's just wrong..I would say those are called "players".
I am with Yarimelma..Once she brings up the subject of a marriage, I get uncomfortable. Who knows, maybe with time that would change, but I run into those who start talking about it way too soon.
Never say never, that's right.
Marriage changes things, and sometimes not for the better.
Besides I like my toilet seat up. J/K, I actually do put it down, so all the nasty stuff won't fly around, spreading it.
Also would like to point out, that when I was 25, I wanted to get married pretty bad, have a family, and all that. So, I think it's an age thing as well?
 Zuglo
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 10
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:06:03 AM

Care to elaborate on this a little more?

No..LOL..I can't..I could tell you why my marriage ended, but that's just my story..
Every divorced guy has their own story, you know?
It seems like once you say I DO, she takes off her mask, and you hear that evil laugh.
And there is an old joke about how wedding cake destroys your sex life.
For the record, this wasn't true with my marriage, so...
It was good, things got different, she didn't clean me out, still friends, blah,blah.
But..Sometimes you get divorced, and it's over for the guy..So, it has to be in a back of your mind..Will my next divorce be just as peaceful?..LOL
Yes, I know this isn't the way to see things, so don't get on me about it..But let's be real here..
 curiousaboutu77
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 11
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Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:18:58 AM
In my case it isn't so much fear of commitment but i come from a divorced family where things were always pretty ugly so i have a list of things in my head about what a relationship shouldn't have if it isn't to turn real ugly. I think this makes me more conscious of compatibility and people with unhealthy communication skills or people with relationship issues that will pose a problem long term.
 GQSunset
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 12
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:52:36 AM
For most men it's about waiting as was said for her to take off her mask.

I've seen where after a few months into a long term relationship she " takes of her mask " and shows her true colors, selfish, self centered, and then it all goes down hill from there.

YET they still want to get married, WTF????????????

Once you see the writing on the wall it only gets worse, which is why men take so long to make that commitment.

Men would like to be married or at least in a long term relationship, no one wants to be alone for the rest of their life, despite what they say.

But it's more and more common to see things go no where when you spend a lot of time in a relationship or dating the same person because you find out things about them that won't make a long term option work.
 Just_Jay79
Joined: 10/11/2005
Msg: 13
Why do some men never want to marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:07:11 AM
Well in my case it's not a matter of never wanting to be married, it's a case of my mind being far too active for my own good and hence being incapable of blindly accepting someone just because I'm fond of them. Short of ingesting massive amounts of alcohol on a perpetual basis, I am otherwise unable to quiet down my calculating nature which is always assessing, reprioritizing and evaluating things around me, and sadly this includes the women I date.

If I'm ever to undertake the large commitment known as marriage, it will only be if I encounter a woman that I love romantically, lust for physically, agree with philisophically and merge well with financially. That's a tall order; one which some would say is near-impossible to find, and therein lies the rub.

I have loved women that I have had the mental fortitude to walk away from simply because they weren't logical fits to my ideals/lifestyle. Why would I walk away from someone I love? Because love by itself is not enough to make a relationship last, they require constant effort and I know myself well enough to know that I'm only willing to work towards something I believe will eventually stabilize to a positive result at some point. If I become even slightly cerebrally aware of an irreconcilable "deal-breaker", then the deluge of What-If scenarios and negative statistical projections begin and it's only a matter of time before I mathematically/logically prove myself out of love.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 14
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Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:21:01 AM

Men would like to be married or at least in a long term relationship...

I couldn't disagree more. Many are quite content to wait it out, to not settle, to deal with women strictly on a pay-as-you-go basis, etc. Fully 22% of American bachelors aged 25–34 have resolved never to marry. 53% more say they are not interested in marrying any time soon. That's 75% all told who are not all that keen on marriage. Yes, some may change their minds, but others will move in the other direction and join them.

There are no numbers regarding LTR's (and not just marriage) but one would suspect they mirror these sorts of numbers. Why do you think women consistantly report a massive man "shortage", even as single men outnumber single women by a large margin (at least 20%)?

So, please speak only for yourself. You wouldn't want to give the OP false hopes that some guy she's interested in will "come around" eventually, right?


...despite what they say.

Oh, okay, nevermind then.
 honeyangel1985
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 15
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:35:36 AM
Some choose not to because their afraid of commitment and getting married means they have to grow up and think of someone other than themselves. If a guy has a negative outlook on marriage it's a HUGE red flag.

Personally I hope to marry someday and have a family (marriage has to come first). If I was dating a guy who was against marriage....I'd toss him back. Why be with someone who doesn't share your perspective?
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 16
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Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:46:41 AM
Well, given the fact that there are very few people out there who you can truly trust - no wonder. People don't trust each other anymore.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 17
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Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:49:47 AM
I'm not sure I can truly answer your question, having been married and had kids. However, I think I'd have been happier without even though I don't regret having done so. However, a long term relationship is definitely something I enjoy and currently I am in one and I'm very happy to be so.

When you're younger, perhaps the urge to reproduce dominates your desires, however subconsciously. That's rather normal!
 Just_Jay79
Joined: 10/11/2005
Msg: 18
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:51:56 AM
Ah yes, statistics... Here we go:

Fully 22% of American bachelors aged 25–34 have resolved never to marry. 53% more say they are not interested in marrying any time soon. That's 75% all told who are not all that keen on marriage.

As someone that has taken courses in social psychology, surveying methods, and statistics, these figures are meaningless without describing the sample population that generated the figures. Were they single at the time of the survey, in a good relationship, a bad relationship, etc.?

When one isn't in a "happy" mindset, pessimism is likely to taint the survey results. If someone asked me during the times I'm single what I thought of the opposite sex, my view would be significantly more dim than when I'm getting laid regularly or even God forbid, emotionally fulfilled by a great lady.

That is the first problem with social studies, the mindset of the peeople being studied must be factored into the data or its all bunk...

So your study quote could just as easily be stating that 75% of recently single men are completely dissilusioned while 25% remain hopeful despite past disappointment. This would only speak of a certain sect of men, not ALL men, and that's not even taking into account survey size, regional and/or representative participation from ALL States, rural vs urban values, etc.

Why do you think women consistantly report a massive man "shortage", even as single men outnumber single women by a large margin (at least 20%)?

Perhaps there is a "man shortage" simply because modern day men have far more risk than reward as far as marriage is concerned. So long as women stereotypically dominate lower earning professions and the laws favor the "breadwinner" to support the lower earner with things like alimony, there is virtually no benefit to a the higher wage earner (stereotypically the male) to accept such a ludicrous proposition.

For the lower-wage earner, it's the deal of a lifetime - hitching yourself to a better wagon than your own. For the higher-wage earner, it's willingly accepting additional responsibility/burden, i.e. being tethered to a slower-moving vehicle and acquiring excess baggage. Worse yet, even if the wagons then choose to go separate ways, you're still saddled with toting part of their load long after you've parted ways.

If someone walked up to ME and offered me that "deal of a lifetime", I'd choke myself to death laughing in their face, and I'm actually still OPEN to the possibility of marriage, but it will be on equal footing if I have anything to say about it.
 scottdehart
Joined: 6/5/2009
Msg: 19
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Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:57:06 AM
Nowadays, if I know someone who is getting married, I always ask him..."Getting married, eh? Want me to just shoot you now?"
 CowboyEnuff
Joined: 2/14/2008
Msg: 20
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:13:37 AM
Britt,
WoW! You are obviously a VERY PRETTY person! But you and the whole Harlequin reading bunch of you need to get over this "SOUL MATE B.S."! Because You set yourself up for failure when you think that way.

Many of those that have the mindset you suggest are that way because either they:
a. came from an unhappy home.
b. saw friends or family go thru a horrible marriage.
c. themselves went thru a horrible seperation from someone they loved deeply.
d: ALL the ABOVE
e: something not mentioned but equally destructive to your mindset.
f: just did not grow up reading or watching lovie duvie B.S.

For which ever reason they had happen what happend... it does not mean that should they find "THE ONE," or what you term, their "SOUL MATE". QWell, it does not mean that they will not want to hold on to them. And you need to realize that now - a - days it just doesn't require a marriage license to keep a person around. And a wedding ring only serves to shows others that here is someone their wicked hearts should attempt to take from the love they have. You probably know women or men who go after married folk. hmmmmm!

I live in a community property state and I know more people who have been together longer just DATING or just in each others lives; than those who are married.

Marriage takes work that an awful lot of women and men are just not prepared to DO!

And Harlequin readers do not develope the skills to do the heavy lifting that is TRULY required in todays society.

SO I recommendto you and your kind to just be happy that you, or who ever else reads this...
To PLEASE be happy that you have someone you love in your life and that loves you. Then I would suggest to you to stop trying to CHANGE them into something only you want them to be!

Now Go Out This Weekend and BREAK some guys hearts you sexy little vixen you!

"CowboyEnuff"
 honeyangel1985
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 21
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:57:25 AM
Teenwolf, yes they can. I've done that. Albeit it was a huge mistake and I dumped him for cheating but anyway.

I was referring to marriage and why men avoid it not to residing common law.
 misssynne
Joined: 10/18/2009
Msg: 22
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:00:17 AM
Because they are always looking for the "better" to come along, the right person to settle down with but thing is the "little miss perfect" never does get along as they always find flaws with them!
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 23
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:22:08 AM
The divorce rate is particularly high here in California. It is completely insane.

Frankly, I don't see the point in marriage. Seeing as how I'm still young, perhaps my view on marriage will change at some point, but I just don't see it happening.

I think I've been brainwashed by talk shows, and the whole nine. Plus, my parents have been married for almost 30 years, and watching them for all of these years has definitely caused me to get the idea that marriage isn't for me.

I would rather much be in a long term, loving relationship, without getting married.

People can love each other, and be in love for a long time without even considering marriage.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 24
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Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:26:13 AM

...these figures are meaningless without describing the sample population that generated the figures.

Oh geez, a stickler.

They come from the 2004 report of the Nat'l Marriage Project at Rutger's, and are based on a representative national sample:

Conducted by the OpinionResearch Corporation of Princeton, NJ, in January and February2004, it is based on a statistically representative national sample of 1,010 English speaking heterosexual young men, ages 25 to 34, both married and single.

A majority of the respondents (56%) were married, 36% were single and never married, and 8% were divorced, widowed or separated. Fifty-one percent of the sample had children (70% of the married respondents and 28% of the single respondents—including 17% of the never-married men).

The young men in this survey reported a variety of household living arrangements at the age of 15. Fifty-nine percent lived with their biological parents, 24% lived with their mothers, 5% lived with their fathers, 4% lived with one parent and a stepparent, and 4% lived with grandparents or other relatives.

Eighty-two percent of the respondents identified their race as white, 12% identified themselves as black (the same proportion as the entire US population in this age group) and 6% identified themselves as Asian or other race.

Most of our sample of unmarried men is beyond the median age of first marriage for men, which is close to 27, so the singles represent a group that is delaying or in some cases avoiding marriage.


The numbers I quoted are from the never-married part of the sample. No, there was nothing in the report as to whether they had just gone through a break-up, etc., so one presumes it's random and does not effect the result (only the statistical uncertainty). And, yes, I remembered the age range wrong. Part of the purpose of the survey was to determine the difference(s), if any, between "the marrying kind" and those who aren't.
 bo_weeks
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 25
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:38:54 AM
Newsweek has an interesting article on this very subject. Speaking for myself, the only reason to get married was to legitimize having children. lf you want to change the dynamic of any relationship, have a kid...guaranteed totally different. As a guy, why risk losing at least 1/2 of everything immediately and paying child support/maintenance for however long a court system that is weighted so heavily in favor of women to begin with dictates? What does a guy gain from marriage that he doesn't already have?
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