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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:51:15 AM |
Isn't that part more important than the logistics of a ring and legal contract?
Commitment is much more important than a legal or religious ceremony. Unfortunately it sometimes takes a marriage or two to understand that. At one time marriage served the purpose of legitimatizing children, not so sure how important that is anymore. I think parents, whether married or not, do best for their children when they love one another, and that doesn't require a license or permission from any entity, religious or governmental. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:55:15 AM |
So, my question would be to women..........why are you so obsessed with the semantics of a ring/marriage instead of the actual relationship?
cough .. that would be SOME women .. right OP?
This woman (me) does not fall into your "obsessed with semantics" group. I do Not believe in the institution of marriage, I Know that it doesn't make for a stronger relationship or a 'better' commitment.
Personally "Long Term" means just that - A relationship that lasts for a Long period of time.
My word is good, when we have that "exclusive talk" I figure that's all that's necessary. People are who they are .. paper and rings doesn't change that..
I still like a man who doesn't mind poppin fer the coffee though!!  | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:13:00 AM | There's two sides to every story. I see married couples engaging their vows for a second time on their 25th wedding anniversary (which some would consider romantic) and I see others who are bitter after a nasty divorce.
I've never been married, but I approach the topic cautiously. I personally do not see how one's commitment to each other increases after a frivolous ceremony that can cost a small fortune.
There may be some merit to women wanting marriage more than men. Particularly, young women who have never been married. I believe it has to do with their socialization process and their definition of what love and romance are. Women tend to be more concerned about these things than men and when you think about it, a wedding is all about the bride and chivalry.
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:34:52 AM | No, marriage isn't necessary for a healthy LTR. Some people, both men and women, prefer to commit to each other in front of family and friends. Others find that they don't care about the rituals of marriage.
My partner is from a different country so it is in our best interests (for the both of us) to marry. Also, it is important to each of us that our partner have all the legals rights associated with our union, and that includes pensions, medical care and decision making, residency rights, etc. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:52:13 AM | | I don't think marriage is necessary for a healthy LTR. But, it does tell me where a person is at in terms of being willing to commit. There is a difference if someone is willing to agree to those terms. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:58:27 AM | Look at all the "married" people here.... looking for a fling... their relationship must be very healthy .... hmmm
Look at all the "divorced" people here.... I guess their LTR wasn't that healthy after all...hmmm... | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:04:18 AM |
Look at all the "married" people here.... looking for a fling... their relationship must be very healthy .... hmmm
Look at all the "divorced" people here.... I guess their LTR wasn't that healthy after all...hmmm...
You make a very valid point. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:05:49 AM | So many things to say, not wanting to write a long post...
Yes, I believe in engagement before living together. Why? Deciding and committing to getting married is a big decision. One that gives most people pause. I want a guy that I am potentially going to live with to take that pause and decide how seriously he wants to be with me. I don't want to live with someone and start meshing things (we'll throw out my couch and keep your couch for example) if he's still casual about it. It should be a step towards something else not just a step. Otherwise I prefer to live alone, thanks.
I DO believe in living together before marriage, though. Marriage is a huge commitment and you should know the person you are marrying as much as possible before making this commitment.
Is marriage necessary? If you want kids from me it is. I won't have kids - a lifelong endeavor - with someone who does not want to commit to me for life. I am not willing to give up on the idea of having kids. I'm too young for that.
Of course, as you get older and take kids out of the equation... ya, I see no point. At that point I would still want the man to take pause before making the decision to live together, but marriage is no longer necessary. And there is no point to getting engaged if you don't plan to get married.
Soo... I think it depends on your stage in life and ultimately what you want. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:13:30 AM | Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Of course not - makes no sense. A commitment to each other, and all of the elements in a relationship of this nature is what needs to be present. i.e. communication, honesty, respect, etc.......
Marriage is an option for those that want the traditional/religious commitment. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:15:23 AM | | I don't think marriage has anything to do with a healthy relationship. It's merely a formality to include others in ceremony to celebrate their union. I realize some people are raised with the misconception that marriage makes things easier or different. A relationship takes patience, understanding and work just the same. I think the fantasy eventually begins to fade for most. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:19:54 AM | I think the OP has a valid question and he didn’t point fingers at anyone. He merely “noticed” and it is a common social stance that he has noticed.
Marriage is a prize for many, we spend umpteen amounts of money and verbiage to get to the point of marriage in this society and when the marriage happens, nothing more is said. Well! There set! Let’s move on to the next pair! Communication skills and life experiences are of no value in this country unless they are terrible and made into a movie. Every one loves a good train wreck and married people are boring. Even literature is not immune, when was the last time you read a book about a good marriage? Unrequited and torrid love lives on!
The union of two people for me is two people who decide amongst them selves what it is without social pressure. To do what “they” want, not what everyone else says they “should”. The only problem with that is, the two who decide to unite have to be able to communicate their wants to each other, free of all assumptions with an empathetically ear and a desire to be with the other. Every thing else is gravy.
If marriage is your goal, then ask yourself why? If the reasoning is sound, then that’s your decision, if its not, then find your own niche and be happy with it, neither option is free of its burden and I think a lot of people see unions as blissful states free of burden. Nothing could be further from the truth. Thanks for the question OP, It was timely. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:29:45 AM | Not me, I'm not one of them.... I'll not marry again!
If I fall into a great LTR and he wants to marry, I'll consider a non-legal ceremony. But I do not wan tthe law to tell me I can't stop being married to someone should the need arise. UGH!!
Once bitten, twice shy.
And I would be just fine w/out the non legal ceremony as well. Committment, yes, that'd I'd like, eventually. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:30:30 AM | Division, I have lived with a man before...for 4 years. There is I believe a different level of committment with marriage than is not present with common-law relationships. Perhaps it is the potential loss through a divorce that "makes" some people try harder...I don't have all the answers.
I just know that for myself, I don't want to "play house", I want to build a future with my SO. This is a topic my SO and I are currently discussing.
He tells me he wants to marry me. I didn't bring up the topic of marriage...he did. His reasons for being gunshy about marriage are that he did it once and got burned...so it boils down to fear. He believes in marriage and that is why the failure of his first marriage hurt so bad...they had a plan, he was following the plan but the marriage got derailed shortly before his wife passed away, leaving many unresolved issues between them.
From my perspective, I don't want to marry for the sake of getting married. I want to marry because I'm ready to make that level of committment (to death do us part kind) and I want the man I am marrying to be of a like mind to me. I would not want to "emotionally blackmail" anyone into marrying me....he has to want me as much as I want him.
I know I would not take a common-law relationship as seriously as I would a marriage. I think when two people love each other enough to want to live together, they should know each other well enough to know they can trust their partner, predict the behaviour of their partner. Too often I suspect people jump into living together and getting married too soon into a relationship. That those relationships fail is not surprising but the loss one suffers is greater because of the level of involvement. I would rather date until I felt ready to marry and then marry. Playing house is for young children and their dolls. | |
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MIJen
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Joined: 10/31/2009
Msg: 18 | |
| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:32:17 AM | Being married is a huge commitment.
Nowadays most people think it is a requirement to be together. Which is not the case.
You can be engaged and still not live together.
It is pretty embarrassing i think if you can't hold to you vows, if you can't don't bring up the "M" word. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:36:58 AM | | I don't believe marriage OR cohabitation is necessary for a healthy LTR. Living about a block apart can be close enough....or a really big house people can get their space in. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:37:17 AM | It just seems to me if a man is interested in COMMITMENT to just one woman, he WANTS to marry her. It's his way of telling her she's the only woman for him. WOW!! That's one action that speaks VOLUMES to a woman and when it's coming from a man......I mean VOLUMES!!!!!
But let's just say there's no difference between "common law" and "marriage". Why pick common law over marriage??? Hmmmmm.....are we speaking softly??? Like under the breath....softly?? lol | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:38:15 AM | Not a lady, but...
Is marriage necessary? Oh, God, no--I think it (or the EXPECTATIONS of what it is supposed to be in someone's mind) RUINS many a healthy relationship.
But many ladies seem to like to entrap many men. It's more difficult to break up when it costs money to do so, and when there's money, property and kids pooled together.
If it's a RELAXED relationship, and we've got similar attitudes toward money, marriage could work just fine. Haven't met anyone yet with that relaxed tone who is also attracted to me as I am her. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:41:25 AM | Marriage isn't necessary for a healthy LTR. However, most women of child-bearing age are going to seek more committment (even if it is symbolic with the wedding ring and marriage licence) before moving in with a man (or letting him move in with her).
When you get older, it doesn't seem so important. Been married and divorced once and I'm not eager to go down that road again. Mother of two wonderful kids. Eventually, I'd like to be in a LTR but that doesn't necessarily include marriage. My ex and I bought a house and lived together nine years before we married and had our first child two years later.
Accept that men and women view these things differently. Perhaps you'll meet the woman of your dreams who views it the same way as you. Good Luck! | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:41:50 AM | A fair question IMO. I think it depends on the purpose of the relationship and the place in life you find yourself. If you're young and are of a mind to start a family, marrige affords a legal canopy to protect the interests of minor children and spouses.
If one is in a place and time in life where such considerations are absent, I say yeah, do your thing as it may suit you. | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:47:11 AM | it's self-evident that one's legal status relative to another has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of the relationship itself.
since this question has been framed in the context of women who are "obsessed" with the idea of marriage, then i would have to ask any of the men who are thusly involved: what is it about YOU that makes you so profoundly attracted to such a woman? | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:53:22 AM | Marriage isn't necessary for a healthy LTR. However, most women of child-bearing age are going to seek more committment (even if it is symbolic with the wedding ring and marriage licence) before moving in with a man (or letting him move in with her).
I don't agree with this assessment. Everyone of my friends (and myself included) lived with their SO without engagement or marriage. Some got engaged or married after the fact, while others broke up or are still in a common law situation. We are all in the "child-bearing age". | |
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:02:03 AM |
to women..........why are you so obsessed with the semantics of a ring/marriage instead of the actual relationship?
Op,im female and i couldnt give a stuff about marriage!!!
Ive NEVER been married and im glad i havent!
I know its of paramount importance to a lot of people but ive not ever wanted to get married and ive felt like this since i was about 17......
However,i love having a man in my life......
But,marriage? Ppfftt! No way !
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| Is marriage necessary for a healthy LTR?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:04:54 AM |
Ive NEVER been married and im glad i havent! I'm again with Char on this one... I've saved the money for the wedding/s and divorce/s and have a cute little house instead...
It would take an absolutely perfect man to have me change my opinion on marriage... | |
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