| skipping over issues
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:13:35 PM | hi, ...my bf did see me again. he said he never wanted to end things...that it was me who did that. well, one of the reasons is that when i bring up touchy issues he cant handle it. he actually gets ill. he gets stomach aches etc. so...we get back together. but the issue is still there. i am the kind of person who needs to talk about it until its talked out. how do i get him to feel at ease to talk about things? why do some people think they can go on after a disagreement and some distance as if nothing happened?
thankyou. | |
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| skipping over issues
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:19:36 PM | My guess is that your boyfriend craves a calm and harmonious environment. He may wish to avoid anything that could lead to conflict. This could come from family of origin stuff. It sounds like you want to get in there and figure stuff out, even if it feels messy at times. I don't want to say these two personalities are opposites, but you have already experienced the difference in how each of you deals with things.
If you try to "get" him to change, you enter the arena of control and manipulation. That erodes any relationship. One option is to accept him as he is. Another option is to ask for change to see if you two can meet somewhere in the middle with your conflict resolution preferences. And of course there is the option of acknowledging this could be a barrier to your desire for a close, intimate relationship, and then there is a difficult choice to make. | |
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| skipping over issues
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:24:31 PM | | Lmao! I'm exactly like you! Had a lady that when something hit her wrong, wouldn't see from her for while. Frustrating beyond anything when they come back as if nothing ever happened. Anyway, talking to her about such things revealed childhood issues stemming from parental mind bashing in a sense. | |
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| skipping over issues
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:25:02 PM | to talk about it until its talked out
Are you talking about it or are you yelling about it? You may think you are being calm
but if it is making him sick, then you may not be as calm as you think you are.
You and him both need to have a serious discussion about how you can discuss issues
without you feeling rejected and without him feeling ready to throw up. It may be that
he needs a little space where you want to get things done and over. You have to reach
a compromise to make sure you both have your needs met. | |
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| skipping over issues
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:30:07 PM | | yes...he does crave calm and harmonious environments and hates conflicts. but there will be conflicts in relationships. he loves me. we need to get thru the conflicts and compromise on issues. he retreats to his home....which is in the mountains...no neighbors for miles and miles. its all his. no conflict. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 2:33:52 PM | This sounds like something my nephew used to do when he was about 6 years old.
He'd fake-sick in order to avoid something he didn't like. It didn't work, because his parents quickly learned it was just a ploy.
question:
why do some people think they can go on after a disagreement and some distance as if nothing happened?
answer:
so...we get back together. | |
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| skipping over issues
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:37:09 PM | | Does he react any like this..........I'm thru talking about this!!!! Walks out. The lady i'm referring of couldn't compromise, cuz couldn't talk about it long enough to figure anything out. But, do try it! Most any decent man is a good compromiser. | |
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| skipping over issues
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:50:21 PM | If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
If an uncomfortable situation comes up, and everyone pretends it never happens, did it actually happen? Some can put the issue out of their mind and move on. That's the method of resolution. It tends to be a pretty male way of doing things. Talking about it just drags it on longer and keeps it fresh in their minds and makes them relive it over and over again.
I don't know what your issue is, but maybe let him know that he doesn't have to take responsibility for your feelings. That's likely what that sick feeling is. There's a difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy is understanding what the other is feeling, sympathy feeling what the other person is feeling.
It helps to understand that men are far more linear thinking than women, and women are much better at multitasking and thinking about multiple things at once. So, the unwanted thoughts/moods just kind of linger around while you're thinking about other things, right? And you can't really get rid of them, because there it is hanging out with the other thoughts simultaneously.
With a linear thought process, how do you get away from unwanted thoughts? Think about something else to take your mind off it.
Also, the capability to not think about anything is greater in men, and so the question of "What are you thinking about?" gets really annoying and even more annoying when they don't believe you that you really weren't thinking about anything. "Nothing" is often a perfectly acceptable answer.
I would advise conducting an experiment. Have him ask you what you were thinking about at a random point of the day for the last 3 minutes. List everything you were thinking about, simultaneously or not. That's why you can't "suppress" as easily.
Let him know that you talking it out makes you comfortable and happy, and that your feelings are not his responsibility. Also, it helps to let him know to not listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth, the issue itself is completely unimportant (unless the issue is important). But to interpret what you are feeling. I think women should change their speech patterns by attaching what they are trying to communicate. Do they want the issue itself to be listened to, do they want their feelings to be listened to, or a combination of both? It's pretty easy from the guy's side of the fence to look at an issue, discard and filter the illogical emotions behind it, and then try to solve the issue. Fixing/solving things that makes her unhappy makes her happy, right? Not usually, but it's a natural way of thinking.
When you get it out of your system, it makes you happy. And don't say this in a manipulative or blackmailing way, but most guys want their girls to be happy, and often go through stupid ridiculous things to make them happy which often goes unappreciated. This is one of the easier things to make you happy. The way to "fix" the issue is to be emotionally heard, am I right? If so, it's so simple it can be overlooked completely. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 2:51:30 PM | Your unanswered question, " why do some people think they can go on after a disagreement and some distance as if nothing happened?" is a tough one. Many of us can confirm, as you have, that people will do this. It's part of the get-sick-to-avoid-conflict trick...it's the added optional "win by pretending you have" ploy.
I would not tolerate or support his method of 'handling' conflict between you. Even if there's a childhood persecution complex, or other psychological damage issue that's at the root of it, it still boils down to the fact that he's going to use this stunt to try to "win" every argument he has with you.
My policy on handicaps of any kind, especially this kind, is: "it may not be your fault, but it IS your problem. " Even if he really does get physically ill from conflict, that's HIS problem to solve, not yours. If you choose to continue with him, I'd recommend you make it clear that the issue he's avoiding by getting sick will still be there waiting for him when he returns. If he really can't handle any of your relationship challenges, I'd suggest that means he's too handicapped to HAVE a relationship with you. Just my opinion of course. | |
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| skipping over issues
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:52:10 PM |
well, one of the reasons is that when i bring up touchy issues he cant handle it. he actually gets ill. he gets stomach aches etc. so...we get back together.
Sounds like his strategy works with you.
why do some people think they can go on after a disagreement and some distance as if nothing happened?
Because with some people, the strategy actually works. (I've gotten caught up in that one before, too, in a similar position as yours.)
The only healthy way to "get him" to work through issues is by invitation. If you try to use force or coercion, you're in for some pain and heartache.
Placing expectations on people which they've never agreed to meet has destroyed roughtly 500,000,000 relationships.
Pick people who know how to communicate through issues, or enjoy learning patience and acceptance. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 2:52:46 PM | good question mr.clean18. its the big ones...
commitment. we are exclusivc.
but he cant think about marriage. he will not see me if i want to date anyone other than him. i can accept that..for now.
the other big issue is that i asked him to please end all contact with an ex girlfreind. they dont see each other. but once in a while she texts him. he says he cant just stop loving someone and throw them away. i agree......i have love for my ex bf. too. but when my ex bf told me that it upset his new gf when i e mailed or called him....we did the right thing (in my eyes) and stopped the contact. now that they have been together for longer....if i need to i can contact him to say hi. but i dont need to. its something i would do on christmas. However,...my bf just wont tell his ex gf to quit. i wanted him to do so to show that he cares about how i feel. he sees that it hurts and upsets me. it gets more complex......the woman he had as his ex gf. is a woman who he had an affair with while he was married a few years back. she knew all along that he was married and did not care. this upsets me. i would never date a married man. nor would i ever cheat. | |
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| skipping over issues
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:56:05 PM | ^^^ So you're with someone prone to cheating and adultery (cheating while married) and who still maintains contact with someone who is prone to the same.
And he won't stop that contact?
Can't tell you what to do. But I'd shut that door hard and keep it shut. You're in for more pain with this cat, definitely. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 3:02:07 PM | he is truly over his cheating days....he is very sorry they happened because he knows what he lost. he told me about what happened in his past. he wants me to trust him.
and silly as it may sound to some of you...i do trust him. '
should i just let it go? that she will text him once in a while? i guess he will text back?
i feel upset that he wouldnt give that up for the betterment of our relationship.
he says he loves me and wants me to be happy. | |
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| skipping over issues
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:03:33 PM | he retreats to his home....which is in the mountains...no neighbors for miles and miles. its all his. no conflict.
My ex's parents never fought or argued in front of their children. They would retreat into their bedroom to work through a disagreement they had. Their children never had the opportunity to experience conflict resolution modeled for them. To this day, the extended family has great difficulty acknowledging, let alone talking about, any "elephant" in the room. Your boyfriend could easily have been a product of a family similar to my ex's.
Towards the end of my marriage, my ex and I were involved in a program called Marriage Rebuilders. They offered healthy conflict resolution techniques and opportunities for us to practice them with our small group and individually. There is lots of information out there about healthy conflict resolution skills and techniques. Even if your boyfriend is not interested in participating, learning these things will definitely pay off in future relationships. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 3:09:28 PM | Let him go to the mountains.
Actually, there's one strategy I know which is that some folks do better talking on the phone than they do in person. Phones lend themselves to talk only. For some it's less threatening.
You might try saying in advance, "can we talk about something for five minutes," and then keep to the limit. When you say, ok, let's stop it's been five minutes, he may even want to continue. At which point, don't. He'll eventually feel duped if you go past the limit, even if it was his idea to do so.
Make sure you always talk sitting down. It suggests calm. Keep your posture open; don't cross your arms, for example.
Phrasing a question can be delicate. He may not like touchy-feely questions. You can read a lot of his feelings without those threatening questions ... just read his manners, his voice, etc.
Don't get into studying him. Some people don't like to feel they're being studied like a lab rat. Ask your questions in a more casual, off-hand manner.
You could look online for "rules of fighting" which are general rules on how to argue with someone and make progress instead of making someone angry or angrier. You might already know this stuff but a review is helpful. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 3:10:31 PM | Some people don't negotiate. A colleague of mine is like that. When he and his wife can't agree, they just set the issue aside. It seems to work for them.
My situation is much more political. Nearly every weekend brings up a new touchy issue. We argue intensely, then begin so arduous process of working out a solution.
If he gets sick when you bring up the issue, then he basically is happy that things are going his way, but unwilling to make the personal sacrifices necessary to make you equally satisfied. Pass him an Alka Seltzer and tell him you are confident he has the strength to work it out. Otherwise, don't put up with any "it was your decision" rhetoric. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 3:22:56 PM | | First of all...if you have that many issues with a man....why are you with him...and you sound like a very exhausting girlfriend to the point where you make someone physically sick....remember...you...are .the one making him sick....he doesnt get like that being in a wonderful relationship with a women who has a great head on her shoulders...now does he....hmmm....you may want to go back and read what you just wrote...there isnt a man who will want to touch you after that one....Think...before you write... | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 3:25:18 PM | | There's reasons why they are called an EX!! Sorry to say if hadn't been said already, he won't be able to give his full heart to you. You are most likely the rebound, and won't ever match what he felt for this lady. I can't understand why someone continues contacting their ex, unless children are involved. Ok, someone will say.......but my ex and I are just good friends. LOL, ok. You make things uncomfortable for ur next so-called partner to have to deal with that crap! | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 3:54:08 PM |
i am the kind of person who needs to talk about it until its talked out.
The point of the matter is that you can beat the heck out of the horse until it is already dead. There are but so many ways to tell someone the same s**t and they will have tuned you out. Not only do they tune you out, people can actually become sick when faced with a certain situation. Quit wearing your heart on your sleeve.
If you told him once, he heard you the million times you spoke on a topic. Leave it alone after you have called his attention on something. When he wonders why you are indifferent, then you break it down to him. *sheesh* | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 3:58:13 PM | He's got you trained. He gets sick, leaves and then.....you get back together.
He doesn't sound like a very responsible person like he doesn't want to account for his behavior. If this behavior is unacceptable to you, then it's better to let him go and find someone else you can worth through issues with that won't skip out on you. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 4:04:17 PM | cooooonnnnntrollllllll freak!
By pure chance, is your on again, off again bf a single child who got what he wanted while growing up? An upper-middle class kid who may have had emotional stress in his life, but never had to deal with real challenges besides the ones he imagines?
Re-read your posts. This guy controls his life so there's no stress on him in it. He even physically runs away. He won't change, b/c there's nothing broke in his life, is there? Its broke in your life, but not in his. He has control over his life. So why fix what isn't broken? Just to help you out? Re-read your posts, about what he's refused to do for you in the past--and these were not big things. They were all free to do. | |
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