| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:44:31 PM | Ok, heres my situation... for the past few weeks ive been dating a girl who has an 18 month old son. We seemed to be doing fine, no issues or arguments between us, but just recently she decided that she wants to try to make it work out with her son's father because she thinks it would be best for her son and because he is unbelievably happy when the two of them are together. Me being the kind of person who knows how important it can be for a child to grow up with both parents together, I didnt put up an argument and gave her my blessing, hoping it would work out for her and that she would be happy. (Dispite how torn up I was over it...)
But heres the problem with it... the father has been described to me as the abusive, possessive type. The kind that has to controll every aspect of his girls life and becomes physical when it doesnt go his way. Now, she says that she has had sooo many people tell her that hes changed, that he had a girlfriend that treated him the same way and he learned his lesson... Personally, I think it takes more than a couple years and a bad girlfriend to change a man. Im afraid that shes going to get hurt again, and not just emotionally.
Now, the way I see it, I have three options at this point. And every one of them seems hard for me in its own way. I could leave her alone, get on with my own life, seek a new girlfriend, and let what will happen happen. I could wait for her, and be there for her when the relationship goes bad again (which I and many other people are sure is bound to happen). Or I could actively persue her and try to convince her to stay away from him, at the risk of what could possibly be best for the child...
So my question to the public is, of course, what do you think I should do? And please keep in mind that Im making a difficult decision, not taking a vote. So please leave feedback rather than just saying, "leave her" or such....
Thanks to anyone who can help... | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:53:26 PM | The idea you can win someone back sounds a tad desperate. Fact is, she has a son with this man and she says she wants to try and work whatever problems they have out and become a family again.
So why are you at age 24 settling for seconds, rather than finding that one gem who will see you as #1?
~Beth~ | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:55:15 PM | I would go with option one:
leave her alone, get on with your life, seek a new girlfriend, and let what will happen happen.
The reason is you've only been dating a few weeks.
Long enuff to be smitten, bit not long enuff to know each other well.
Being an expert on the human condition, I figure you probably won't listen.
I also know option two will probably come up.
They'll break up again and she will seek you out again: Mr Nice Guy Hero.
But it won't work unless she is changed and you can be less of a gamer and more of a Dad.
Which will get you back to option one.
Of course you may go with option 3
Which will backfire and get you back to...
option 1.
Not so much a choice as an inevitability.
Sorry.
Other fish in the sea. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:58:19 PM | | She already made up her mind, she rejected you for the ex loser and did it on the word of others, that makes her a risk to you plus just writting you off not for herself but the excuse of the child. I mean doesnt the child go through more of a problem when he/she sees spousal abuse, it teaches the child disfunctional behavior. And I think this is what you have a disfunctional women, one that would leave a good relationship for a prior toxic one means she makes poor choices for herself and her child, father or no father. Its her problem now, dismiss the relationship and dont look back. You would be foolish to hang around, to be another rebound play, welcome mat, get real and true to youself and find yourself someone that wants to make a go with you. Its her loss, find happiness with somene worth thier salt. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:08:18 PM | | Most likely she will end up leaving him again but that dosent mean you should take her back cause she will go back to him again its a pattern. Some people are gluttons for punishment so you need to go on and find someone else and in a year you wont even remember her name. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:14:32 PM | Did she want a commitment from you??? If she didn't show any interest in a LTR with you in the past. I would go along with my life....Maybe, she will come back to you ...if you lay low for a while. Sometimes people need some time to miss someone. I have a feeling her ex will show his true colors in a few weeks to months. It is easy to fake it for a 2 or 3 weeks. A abusive and controlling person can't fake their true behavior long term.
Let her call you... | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:15:01 PM | She wants to try to make it work out with her son's father.
You have only one option... Leave her alone.
Get on with your life and find a girl who wants to make it work out with YOU. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:18:59 PM | Hate to break it to you, but it's going to be up to her. Whatever you do or don't do, she's already decided.
You can wait til it goes bad, how many times are you willing to do that?
It seems you're making your life, your time and your desires secondary to doing whatever it is to have her. It she an obsession...just asking.
If what you said is really what's going on, then it's not going to go well for her. Doesn't mean it'll every involve YOU again.
Children are happy when their parents are happy, going back into a poison relationship because the son is happy when he's with the dad, that's just not going to be a good situation for long.
The child is 18 months, he'd be happy going to Chucky Cheese and tickling the big mouse.
Let it go, there's nothing good for you for any length of time, except you being on her personal merry go round. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:23:52 PM | | A few weeks with someone tells you nothing...let her build her own family with her child and its father...stay out of it...and find a nice girl of your own.... | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:39:47 PM | She decided to go back to her ex, her reason is pathetic and it seems she is NOT into you. She will always have problems with her ex because she still loves her ex. They broke up because of his unsavoury behaviour. Her ex's issues, they're not your problem so don't get involve or you will be the one left out in the cold in the end. She is not worth it!
Let her GO!! | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:53:38 PM | Let it go. You've only been seeing her a few weeks and there's a baby involved. When there's excess baggage, that can often pose a problem. Whether or not he's changed remains to be seen. And if he hasn't changed, she's equally at fault to stay with him. Only a punk coward beats on a woman. She may be trying to get back with him for the baby's sake, but a dysfunctional environment is detrimental for the kid as he grows up. Your best bet is to seek out another woman with no excess baggage.   | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:07:10 PM | What you have heard about the baby daddy may or may not be true. Gossip is a nasty critter not worth bothering with.
In giving your" blessing", you did not "fight " to keep her. You let it go. Did you ask her to consider staying with you instead? If not, she correctly interpreted your willingness to let her go as....
willingness to let her go.
She went.
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:12:08 PM | dude writing novels n shit..
you lost my interest at the title.
almost no broad is worth fighting for - lets just put it that way. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:21:20 PM | ^^^^ ignorance makes me giggle.
Anyways OP, I think it's admirable that you are even considering staying. HOWEVER I agree you do only know her a short period of time. Also it most likely is gossip and heresay about the baby's father. I would def let it go because she is clearly out of all the points not over her ex. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:25:18 PM | | You seem like a great guy who really cares about this girl. Anyone who has children understands that they should try to do anything to make a relationship work. She knows the type of man he is and she is choosing to go back to him. I think you should cut your strings with her if you can. Best of luck =) | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:41:54 PM | OP
That's a tough choice.
Option 1, let her go --- but then you have to deal with the possibility that she'll be hurt, and, since you cared about her, when she does get hurt, you'll wonder, "Could I have prevented this?"
Option 2, Wait for her -- but then, how long will that take? Especially if she's an "enabler," once she gets back into that situation, she'll probably deny the problem for some time and try to deal with in for the sake of her son
Option 3, Try to dissuade her -- then she'll always be tempted by him to go back to that relationship, and you'll always have his presence "haunting" the relationship.
A combination of all three, in steps:
Step 1. Let her know exactly how you feel, and why you feel that going back to him will possibly hurt her and it might even hurt her son
Step 2. Try to persuade her to take her time in making the decision, if that is possible. Meanwhile, be there for her.
Step 3. If she still decides to go back, let go completely. Even if, after months, she comes back to you, would the relationship be the same?
I've seen this scenario more than once, and they never seem to work out because of the "history" that is left behind by her choosing him over you, coming back, but with issues, etc. etc.
If she really had the best interest of her child at heart, and she MUST know that the father is prone to being abusive, then you have to consider the fact that, she, too, seems to have "something going on" that is not right.
I feel bad for you; I feel most especially bad for the baby. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:41:00 PM |
for the past few weeks ive been dating a girl...
You have very little invested in this and she is baggage laden. What is there to even think about? Move on. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:41:33 PM | OP, you have a fourth option. You can move forward with your life either actively looking to date or just being open to an opportunity that presents itself while remaining a friend to the woman. If you do, you may never know how important you may be to her and potentially even a catalyst for her deciding to leave.
The problem with domestic violence is that she has to choose to do get out but if she is a good mother, she may hightail it pretty quickly if things go to hell and a hand basket. I would recommend you figure out some place she and her son can go that is not your home if she has no relatives in the area if you do decide to stay in her life and she may need to leave in a hurry.
She has heard all the reasons she needs to leave, sometimes the best resource is someone that doesn't really talk to her about it. She won't have anything to prove to you if things go south and I think would welcome someone that won't be saying or even thinking 'I told you so.'
People can change in a relatively short period of time. Often it takes walking in other people's shoes to understand how your behavior impacted them when it was you dishing out the b.s. It is much more likely if he encountered someone that was abusive to him rather than some nice woman who treated him well leading him down the path of change, that he really has changed.
Some of the psychological experiments they have done with children to create situations within which they experience discrimination have significantly impacted how they have as teens and young adults approached situations of racial, ethnic or religious discrimination. He may very well be blowing smoke up her rear. Even if he hasn't changed and she leaves, you should really try to be a friend and hang back a bit. Feeling like she has been fooled one more time may be a difficult pill to swallow and it may not be the best time for her to start a relationship. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:35:23 PM | | Why would you want someone who wanted so little for herself and her son - and picked a loser over you? You seem like a fixer. Take Door #1. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:10:11 PM | | How old is she, I'm guessing way too young to be a parent and to be making a family work out. Two men and an 18 month old, I get the feeling she's hunting for someone to take care of her and her child and making lots of mistakes and dragging the poor kid through the messes she makes. In other words, I doubt she's very stable mentally or emotionally and it will be some time before she grows up enough to have any kind of a good relationship with a man. There's not much you can do unless you want to be part of the drama, so I'd say back way off and work on why you got involved in this mess yourself and why the drama drew you in. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:42:12 PM | You seem like a fixer.
Ok, sorry, but i dont really know what you mean by that, lol. But anyway from all the input, i think i may have found my solution. It seems a lot of people think I should just leave her alone and stay out of this mess. Well I cant entirely do that... I am beginning to think it would be best to just let fate run its course, but Im not the kind of person that can just drop a girl completely; especially if I care about her. So I think I will just remain behind the scenes as a friend and a shoulder to lean on if needed. If things eventually get serious between us again, so be it, but im only willing to give it one more shot... Meanwhile, I will continue my own life, and if I find someone new, then she missed her chance.
As for the several people who basically labeled a young mother as "a girl with baggage", I beg you to reconsider that viewpoint. I honestly never thought I would be dating a girl with a kid at this young age, because I had felt the same way. In fact, throughout my time on POF, I had kinda filtered out all women with kids (sorry about that ladies, but its sure to change now...) Everyone makes unexpected mistakes, and getting an unexpected pregnancy is no exception; who are we to judge or have prejudice on that basis? I mean consider how many women out there are single mothers who still want to be in a relationship; they shouldnt be locked out because they "have baggage"... And news flash: for every single mother, there is a father out there who still wants a girlfriend, but they dont get considered in the same way. I know I wouldnt want to locked out from a chance at a relationship just because I had a kid in the past; would you???
But anyway, thank you all for your input. Especially you, Krebby2001, that input was amazing. But just about everyone in general was helpful and I thank you all... | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:50:41 PM |
I could leave her alone, get on with my own life, seek a new girlfriend You only dated a few weeks. She's already moving on with her life. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:29:55 AM | | Drama, drama, drama.....you've got all the excuses and you are playing the game so dig yourself in deeper but don't come back with how she done you wrong again. Single mothers aren't the problem, it's that I'm betting she's young and confused and totally unsettled and dragging her kid around in all her drama. Don't be a part of it, unless you like the drama. One day she may grow up but she's not now. You are just adding to the baggage right now, can you see the difference? | |
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