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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?      Home login  
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 GeorgieLeopard
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 1
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Twice in two weeks, with two different men, I've invited them over for bbq'ed steak and wine for supper.. both cancelled one hour before supper or before they were due to arrive. I know times have changed but is emailing someone an acceptable method these days of canceling a date? What if she doesn't go online? It used to be people gave 24 hours notice to cancel a dinner date... is one hour the accepted norm now? Jesus, this has really pissed me off!
 ooffshoresailor
Joined: 5/16/2005
Msg: 2
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 10:12:32 AM
Sounds like you should be peeved. I wonder if those people that "no showed" even respect themselves. Don't be too concerned about deadbeats like that and certainly don't let them control your emotions. I know it is all a sign of the times, personally I prefer Asian women cause they still adhere to old, and good, values.
 squirrly
Joined: 6/8/2005
Msg: 3
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 10:18:56 AM
they better have a good excuse for one hours notice. Like their kid is in hospital or better still they are!LOL

I think 24hours notice is usually expected unless it was an emergency.
 Adstephan
Joined: 6/15/2005
Msg: 4
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 10:26:38 AM
They gave you an hours notice? That's not cool, you probably had already started cooking the dinner. Not cool.

Oh, and the e-mail cancellation is crap! One time an ex-bf EMAILED me to tell me he didn't get on his flight to come see me. He sent it about 3 hours before he was due to arrive. I was all ready to leave and then a friend borrowed my car without telling me, so to kill time I got online and found the e-mail 5 minutes after I should have left.
 GeorgieLeopard
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 5
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 10:42:21 AM
Not to mention bought the steaks, marinaded them, bought the wine..etc... baked desert yesterday...


I was all ready to leave and then a friend borrowed my car without telling me, so to kill time I got online and found the e-mail 5 minutes after I should have left.


My point exactly! I live in an appartment that requires buzzing to let someone in over my telephone line and I'm on dailup.. I tend to go offline a couple of hours at least before someone is due to arrive, for any reason, just incase they need to contact me. On both these occassions there was a high likelyhood that I would never have read these emails at all! But sat around waiting and waiting and waiting.....

The first guy said he began driving here but his brakes gave out, went right to the mat... I smelled a skunk as that story sounded oddly familiar... some guy had used that excuse with me about a year ago.. sure enough, I go back into my MSN histories and boom there is the same guy with the same excuse, first date! And my birthday this time!

Today's #$*(*#*(# I've seen three times in the past. Twice for lunch out, once at his place, and then today he was to come here at 2, spend the afternoon, have a bbq for supper, then watch a video together... Saturday we went for lunch and fishing together, spent about 9 hours having a good time... then I get his cancelation email... "Sorry but it's too hot for the dogs to be outside, the humidex is 41%! And one more thing, I have just started seeing a gal I was seeing before and that is where my loyalties lie." He contacted me Saturday for the date, he bought the worms to go fishing. later that night on MSN he says, "I had a great time how about we do it again soon?" I say how about next Thursday? He says, "It can be sooner than that, how about Monday?" I take this as he's interested as dinner at my place would be fourth date.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the second case of "STOOD UP AT THE FINAL HOUR" in your opinon did he act like he was seeing someone else? The first guy was just a jerk...
 GeorgieLeopard
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 6
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 10:44:41 AM
Not to mention bought the steaks, marinaded them, bought the wine..etc... baked desert yesterday...


I was all ready to leave and then a friend borrowed my car without telling me, so to kill time I got online and found the e-mail 5 minutes after I should have left.


My point exactly! I live in an appartment that requires buzzing to let someone in over my telephone line and I'm on dailup.. I tend to go offline a couple of hours at least before someone is due to arrive, for any reason, just incase they need to contact me. On both these occassions there was a high likelyhood that I would never have read these emails at all! But sat around waiting and waiting and waiting.....

The first guy said he began driving here but his brakes gave out, went right to the mat... I smelled a skunk as that story sounded oddly familiar... some guy had used that excuse with me about a year ago.. sure enough, I go back into my MSN histories and boom there is the same guy with the same excuse, first date! And my birthday this time!

Today's #$*(*#*(# I've seen three times in the past. Twice for lunch out, once at his place, and then today he was to come here at 2, spend the afternoon, have a bbq for supper, then watch a video together... Saturday we went for lunch and fishing together, spent about 9 hours having a good time... then I get his cancelation email... "Sorry but it's too hot for the dogs to be outside, the humidex is 41%! And one more thing, I have just started seeing a gal I was seeing before and that is where my loyalties lie." He contacted me Saturday for the date, he bought the worms to go fishing. later that night on MSN he says, "I had a great time how about we do it again soon?" I say how about next Thursday? He says, "It can be sooner than that, how about Monday?" I take this as he's interested as dinner at my place would be fourth date.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the second case of "STOOD UP AT THE FINAL HOUR" in your opinon did he act like he was seeing someone else? The first guy was just a jerk...


PS TO THE MODS: I began a thread of this nature when the first experience happened. I searched every possible keyword, including other people's threads and could find nothing - not even my own original thread - that matched my search in any way.
 tunesman
Joined: 5/20/2005
Msg: 7
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 10:45:27 AM
You have every right to be choked.

You went to a lot of trouble for these guys, not to mention the expense of putting it all together. They do owe you some consideration.

One hour's notice is not acceptable under almost any circumstances. The thing I am wondering is just what was so earthshattering that both saw fit to cancel with such short notice? I could see a family emergency such as an accident, getting unexpectedly called into work or someone being on their deathbed. I somehow think this is not the case. I would also bet that both knew about the "thing that suddenly came up" well before the one hour window within which they cancelled, like say several days. A sign I've seen in several electronic service shops is a good motto to follow here: "A lack of organization on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part".

If something came up which was truly urgent on the day of your dinner, the very least they could have done would be to telephone you first thing in the morning before you started all the preparations. And no, e-mail does not cut it for precisely the reason you outline. It is actually far less effort to pick up the phone than to start the mail program, find the recipent and type a message.

It looks to me like you have run into two highly inconsiderate, cowardly boors. Stick to your guns. Please rest assured that there are many of us still left (though it may not seem so) who greatly appreciate efforts of folks like you in putting a dinner together. I know that if you offered to cook for me, I would even reciprocate by offering to clean up. Those of us culinarily challenged are most appreciative. Don't let a few bad apples sour you on the whole bunch. Chivalry is not dead; it is just spread far thinner than it used to be.
 lil sweat heart 2004
Joined: 1/25/2005
Msg: 8
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 10:50:12 AM
yes..i think at least 24 hrs
and over the net is crap that's low...
i have cancelled a date a few times..
the first time my son was stung by a wasp and lucky me we found out he was allergic to them ..and to top it all off the guy thought i was lying..yet icalled from children's hosp/..
yes it was an hr before i was to meet him but sry my son was WAY MORE MY FIRST THING TO WORRY ABOUT..
SECOND WAS MY BABY FELL ill in the morning and i could f left him but no way..this guy was awsome and understood and called me that night to chceck on my son..both times i did phone calls..you r better then them u don't need that..
 Eric46
Joined: 9/2/2004
Msg: 9
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 11:14:20 AM
If not merely a delay and necessary to cancel ... I'm guessing say, minimum 24 hours cancellation notice for local dates.

Excluding;
* Emergencies
* Boss telling you at 4:45 he needs you to work late tonight.
* You up-n-died cuz The Lord called ya home.

Or ... you suddenly discover your out of clean underwear.
 squirrly
Joined: 6/8/2005
Msg: 10
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 11:36:17 AM

Or ... you suddenly discover your out of clean underwear.


n that case..just go commando. She probably won't notice anyway, if she does, pretend it was all a plan to seduce her
 Lovebunnie
Joined: 6/30/2005
Msg: 11
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 12:05:24 PM
I've had that happen a few times. One time, the guy said one of his family members was flying in that night so he had to pick her up. We ended up rescheduling, but we didn't like each other much.

Another cancelled a few hours before the date because he had just realized that it was his friend's birthday and he had to go out with the boys. I said ok and hung up but ended up calling him back to tell him to lose my number.
 arachnoidalseainme
Joined: 4/14/2005
Msg: 12
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 2:33:21 PM
I have learned to not expect that a guy is coming... Why set your self up for dissapointment. If a guy didn't show up for a nice dinner i'd made, I'd enjoy it myself or invite a friend over...
 GeorgieLeopard
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 13
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 2:42:21 PM
tunesman, Thanks for the cheer up! I really didn't and don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm a very honest woman, never cheated once in my life, and am a really nice woman. If I still lived in BC I'd look you up.

Now here is the real clicker! I met the second fellow on a different website.. guess what? He just put an ad up on this website! The anger in me was so consuming when I saw his picture posted at the top of the screen where IM users are listed, I emailed him and said in effect, "Caught you! Liar!" Before this evening I've never once seen his photo online on this website! And I certainly never told him about it... confirms my belief there is no other woman and he cancelled because he thinks he can do better..

I'm a happy, content, well adjusted woman with life experience that would make a wonderful partner in any deserving mans life. All I have to do is keep reminding myself he didn't deserve me for two minutes let alone three dates!

So what is acceptable to you:

Casual meeting:
1. Coffee at noon--he/she has to cancel.. how much warning is polite?
2.Lunch date, he/she makes plans with you the day before to meet the first time, he/she has to cancel.. how much warning is polite?
3. Dinner date: You're going to dress up, go to a fancy resturant, meet for the first time, he/she has to cancel.. how much warning is polite?
4. You've dated a few times, spent time enjoying fishing etc... had a meal or two--you invite her/him for supper--he/she has to cancel.. how much warning is polite?
5. Is cancelling by email acceptable?
6. Would you expect her/him to phone to cancel?
7. If his/her reasons were suspicious would you confront or back off is he/she dumped your date by email knowing full well there was a good chance you wouldn't log online and get the message?
 PepperStar
Joined: 6/21/2005
Msg: 14
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 2:55:23 PM
That's TERRIBLE! If it happened to be an actual emergency, the guy should have telephoned you and explained the situation. If you didn't answer the phone, he should have tried to leave a message, and then follow it up with an email. If a guy needs to cancel a date, he should have a valid reason for doing so (and that does NOT include something he would rather be doing than being with you.) He needs to let you know about the cancellation as soon as reasonably possible after he finds out he has to cancel. Just be glad you found out the truth about these losers before you became involved with them. And NO second chances, they'll just repeat the bad behavior.
 JessKO
Joined: 1/18/2005
Msg: 15
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History
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 2:56:21 PM
As far as warning people goes... you should cancel as soon as you know you have to cancel.
I think that if you are meeting people-- you should let them know before you think they'll leave their house/start to get ready...minimum. Letting people know the day before is best in most circumstances. If you really like them you'll make a back-up plan asap.
Most of my dates that have happened have been spontaneous: what are you doing? nothing? Hmm want to meet up now? sorts of things.
Remember.... always better to get a late cancellation than stand someone up without notice.

5. Is cancelling by email acceptable?

Yes. Especially if most of your contact has been via email.

6. Would you expect her/him to phone to cancel?

maybe

7. If his/her reasons were suspicious would you confront or back off is he/she dumped your date by email knowing full well there was a good chance you wouldn't log online and get the message?

Well I would probably say something along the lines of: Well I wish that there was some way you could have let me know sooner as I went to a bit of trouble to get stuff/myself ready.
And then I'd block them...remove from favourites list etc... Thank my lucky stars that he showed his true colours sooner rather than later... and then go surf POF for the next catch.


That being said, I'M REALLY REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR FIRST DATE IDEA!!!!!

a. I hope to god that you are not inviting STRANGERS into your home for a first date. NOT SAFE!!!!!!!!! It's like having sex without a condom... sure you wouldn't sleep with people you thought had a disease... but YOU NEVER KNOW.

b. You're making too much of an effort with labour and expense. Save the cooking for a man till you've gotten to know him better and know that he is worth it and or is reliable enough to show up. When you do too much for a first date it's also almost like bribery.
 GeorgieLeopard
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 16
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 3:08:49 PM

a. I hope to god that you are not inviting STRANGERS into your home for a first date. NOT SAFE!!!!!!!!! It's like having sex without a condom... sure you wouldn't sleep with people you thought had a disease... but YOU NEVER KNOW.


No never have, never will! The only time I ever had a first meeting with a man at my home was on my birthday five years ago and a huge number of neighbors and friends were here for the event. I didn't feel at risk under those circumstances.


b. You're making too much of an effort with labour and expense. Save the cooking for a man till you've gotten to know him better and know that he is worth it and or is reliable enough to show up. When you do too much for a first date it's also almost like bribery.


lol I'd never go to that expense or trouble for a first date, this was fourth date and i thought we had something special happening... obviously not.. We had gone out to lunch three times and spent nine hours fishing together, by then I thought I had some inkling of the man I was dealing with... obviously not..oh well, live and learn. Getting together the fourth time, the time he cancelled with little to no warning by email, was his idea. He even said a week was too long to see me again, why don't we make it Monday instead of Thursday? I took that to mean he was as interested as I was.

He is now on delete and ignore. I am soooooooooo worth so much more!
 Nithog
Joined: 12/22/2004
Msg: 17
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 3:28:47 PM
24 hrs, minimum anything latter than that it better be an emergency.
Just think that someone like that is not someone you want in your life, for friendship, or romance. And you have some extra steak too.
It's a big pond, keep fishing, and stay away from the bottom feeders.
Cheers.
 tunesman
Joined: 5/20/2005
Msg: 18
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 3:39:39 PM
Hi Georgie. Thank you for the nice heads up, too.

As to how much of a timeframe is acceptable for the various situations you have outlined, I don't necessarily think there is one "definitive" answer. A lot would depend on just what it was that came up and how much notice the other party got about that.

For example, if you had pencilled in dinner for a day that was normally his day off and he got a call at 4:00 that day from his boss saying that he needed him to work for 6:00 that day because they were far short-staffed and there was nobody else available to fill in, there isn't really very much that either of you can do about that. If the guy was really "into" you and had a modicum of integrity, he would offer to do something in the near future to make up for his not being able to attend today, and would make sure that would be something that would be most worthwhile for you. That is what I would do, at any rate. Family emergencies similarly do not recognize a set timetable. If he had forgotten about someone coming in on a plane, for example, that could cause a nasty scene if not looked after. An accident or the like really requires no further comment.

Barring these two scenarios, I do not feel that there is really anything which can justify giving such a short notice for any of the above. I don't really think that twenty-four hours is at all out of line for less than extrordinary circumstances. It is called common courtesy. You don't leave someone hanging, especially if the relationship is in its infancy. The other person has been looking forward to doing whatever you were planning to do; is it really fair to so badly disappoint them? Unless it is something truly earthshattering, you should live up to your obligations. In all cases, you should try to let them know as soon as humanly possible, if the twenty-four hours is not possible.

Forgot about the night out with the boys? No way, Jose. Found a hotter chick? She'll still be around tomorrow. If she won't be, then is she even worth considering anyway?

People do have feelings and if you have set up a date with someone, some consideration should be shown for that. They are going to some amount of trouble for you; you should meet them halfway, don't you think? You wouldn't exactly be as pleased as punch if that happened to you, now would you, fella?

The problem with e-mail is that it does get delivered almost instantaneously but there is no guarantee that the person will read it in the near future at all. I would say e-mail should be used as a backup only, to ensure you have covered all the bases. Whenever you are cancelling a date, I do think you should actually call the person. By actually talking to the person, you know for sure that he or she understands your situation. To avoid disappointing someone too greatly, I would most definitely pick up the phone every time. Only if I couldn't get through on the phone for an extended period of time would I go the e-mail route. And I would still keep trying the phone after I had done that.

With the final item 7, I don't really think you should confront on anything unless you have irrefutable proof that the reason for him dumping the date was not koshir. Even then, is it really worth it? If this individual's past behavior is giving you cause to doubt him, then the behavior will likely continue and he'll wind up eventually "hanging himself" anyway. This is not a happy situation whichever way you slice it, so why make it any worse than it already is?

I hope this has helped. Don't give up on my entire species because of two of the Bozo camp. I keep telling myself the same thing about your species.

Cheers.
 GeorgieLeopard
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 19
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 4:04:45 PM
I never hold the actions of one person against a whole species or race. We are all individuals and just because one screwed up doesn't mean they all will. I've been single all but 2 years between 1988 and now. I have a great life, fulfilling, happy, and it would take an extrodinary man to make me willing to change that. All we are talking about here is common courtesy and integrity. In my world it is never okay, unless you don't have the person's phone number, to cancel a date last minute by email. How many people have a junk mail emaila address they rarely check? I do! That's what hotmail is for, and that's why I always email someone who is showing interest in me from my home email addie. In both these cases they emailed my hotmail account. It was nothing short of a miracle I even checked that email box! Had I have not done so, I would still be sitting here wondering if the fellow had a deadly accident or ended up in hospital on the way here. Not a nice thing for someone to do to you.

It seems so much about the dating world has changed in the past two decades. Integrity (your word) seems in many cases to have so little value. From now on I'm adding to setting up a date, if you have to cancel please do so with as much warning as possible and by phone, here's my number.

What I'm really kicking my ass about, is I was also talking with this other guy for the last two weeks. We had agreed to meet on Wednesday. I didn't and never have felt right dating more than one man at a time, when I realized there was posibilities with the fellow that stood me up, I emailed the other guy and was honest with him and canceled our meeting. Because of what I said in that email, all honest, I know he'd never consider me again... people just don't think what someone else is giving up for them! Could have been who I have been waiting 18 years for! Now I will never know.

Please if you have to cancel a date, and you really aren't that interested, be honest as soon as possible so you don't screw up something else for that person other than their time or their wallet!
 Blastkist
Joined: 5/28/2005
Msg: 20
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/11/2005 7:52:01 PM
Tsk, what a bunch of losers, I'm sorry to hear that...

Better luck next time.
 GeorgieLeopard
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 21
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/12/2005 1:46:44 PM
Never be sorry for learning a valueable lesson. Never take forgranted that someone, despite their age, knows how to cancel a date with class. Lesson learned.
 JessKO
Joined: 1/18/2005
Msg: 22
view profile
History
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/12/2005 2:34:40 PM
This is off the original topic.... I don't think I'd invite a stranger to my house even with tons of people there.... cause then they'd know where I lived!
 who_the_fox
Joined: 4/29/2005
Msg: 23
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/12/2005 6:44:20 PM
24 hours cancellation notice for a dinner invite would be MINIMUM

It has been many many YEARS since I invited a man to my home for dinner and likely over a year since I invited one over for anything else.
 Doc Sage
Joined: 4/18/2005
Msg: 24
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/12/2005 6:53:56 PM
__ 24 hour notice sounds right to me too.

Doc
 Untamed_Teddybear
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 25
What is an acceptable range to cancel a date?
Posted: 7/12/2005 9:22:08 PM
Take this from a gentleman's point of view: ( a gentleman who believes that Judith Martin, Charlotte Ford, and Leticia Baldridge wrote the bible)

If it is not an emergency of a life threatening nature an hour is not acceptable. I feel that one should phone, not email, as soon as one is uncertain of being able to make the appointment; at that time concern can be relayed and plans re-evaluated if necessary. While, in todays hectic life, one may not always be able to cancel a week in advance I would say that a minimum of 24-36 hours is recommended.

Unfortunately most people today let their lives control them instead of the reverse; and in so doing they allow other people, projects, plans, etc. to interfere; when what they should do is say:

"I'm sorry, but I have a previous engagement that I simply cannot afford to postpone."

If everyone practiced and employed that sentence many dates would proceed as planned without hurt feelings, ruined dinners, and a continuing breakdown in the fabric of social society.

But this is only my opinion; please correct me if you feel I am in error.
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