| omg that explains alot!!
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:26:38 PM | i just stumbled across a piece of information regarding my current lover... something that fully explains his bitterness towards relationships and probably why he cant or isn't ready to commit to me. im not suprised and do not blame him for not sharing this information. i wish i could tell him ive been in a similar situation and understand what its like and give him a big cuddle... BUT due to the nature of this information i can not tell him that i know
so here's my question for you...
what you do or how would you react if you found out something about your SO past that's having an indirect effect on your current relationship with him/her? but at the same time you are unable to let your SO know that you know the reason why... | |
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| omg that explains alot!!
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:31:43 PM | | You need to be more specific and give the actual details. This is too vague. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 9:35:52 PM | a_lot
Just let him know. Bite the bullet and get it over with. There's so much BS and lying in the world, why not be honest for once? It might hurt initially, but maybe your relationship will be even stronger if you go through this?
Elaborate. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 9:37:01 PM | Too Vauge. Need to be more specific to be of any help
having an indirect effect on your current relationship with him/her? but at the same time you are unable to let your SO know that you know the reason why
There is no answer with your statement:has an effect on your relationship but cant tell him about it what you know. There is no answer to your delima unless you talk to him about what you know in a way non threating which could actually help. Problem is SO often can get it across but the SO make take it as being intrustive, Be Careful how you present it he may take offense. Best of luck | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 9:37:48 PM | | im sorry i cant be more specific about the details on my particular situation, its not something im comfortable sharing, in regards to my situation i already know how im going to handle it, the question is not really for advice on what i should do but the question itself is in general. i just thought it would be an interesting topic and wonder if anyone else has been in this position and if so what did they do?? | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 9:54:26 PM | | If you can't tell him that you know, you can figure out based on yours or anyone else's situation, the best way to show you care, whether that is giving someone space, do more care taking maybe than you normally would. We can often get information across to others by finding a reason to share the situation you were in, for example, that is similar to his. He would have no idea that the conversation was a bit contrived but he would then have access to important information. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 9:56:35 PM | Lets try ths, if the information I found out about my partner is something to do with sexual abuse as a child then I just have to wait for him to tell me that when he is ready.
You don't need him to tell you if this is what happened to him but you can be more understanding and not make a problem you find yourself and him in bigger than it is. But if the behaviour is severe that is up to you to stay and put up with him or leave.
Lets say, ....you are a victim too, you could share your abuse with him and maybe he would open up.
I am only using this as an example | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 10:09:44 PM | | When one is in a mature relationship and they discover something that explains why someone is as they are, the couple talk about it. It reminds me of a kid who wants to ask questions about sex or drugs, but is afraid their parents will think they are or want to do either. There are ways to discuss a subject without making it personal. ~Beth~ | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 10:27:14 PM |
what you do or how would you react if you found out something about your SO past that's having an indirect effect on your current relationship with him/her? but at the same time you are unable to let your SO know that you know the reason why...
That depends on the information, how it is influencing the relationship, and why it can't be discussed.
Even if you aren't seeking advice regarding your own situation the question is too vague. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 10:32:57 PM | | You may be jumping to conclusions, he may not want to commit to you as in sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. On the other hand maybe he does let the past rule his life now, how does that change anything about how he won't commit to you? And if you can't just be honest with him, even if he leaves when you are, what do you have anyway? I don't know how you found this out and what he will think but can you really build a relationship on lies and have it ever be any good? | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 10:56:45 PM | I don't understand why you wouldn't be able to bring it up to your partner.
Assuming that you weren't sifting through their past in an inappropriate manner, I can't see any reason why information that you came across would be out-of-bounds. As long as it's brought up tactfully, I think it shows caring toward them as you're taking an interest in their life.
I would however caution you on diagnosing their "problems."
If someone came to me with an answer about how I'm emotionally screwed up, I'd show them the ****ing door. That's bull****.
Instead talk with them about it, get their take on the situation, and then you can ask something along the lines of, "how do you think it has affected your subsequent relationships, if at all?"
And if you were sifting through their past in an inappropriate manner, well... I think you know where this is going.... | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 11:02:56 PM | I'm tired of damaged, bitter, secretive people.
I'd stop making excuses for his bad behavior and move on. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2009 11:18:48 PM | | Your not being specific enough about the problem for me to really give any helpful advice. You would have to be less vague about what it is. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 12:23:21 AM |
what you do or how would you react if you found out something about your SO past that's having an indirect effect on your current relationship with him/her? but at the same time you are unable to let your SO know that you know the reason why...
Wow...what are you, 12?!
Eesh...hopefully he spreads his wings and flies away from the drama you perpetuate.
Your post reeks of "OO OO OO I know a secret!!"
Ack.  | |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 12:55:40 AM | | I would at all costs keep my mouth shut. There is nothing you can do. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 12:55:57 AM | | I would tell her that I know. Then, I'd kick the deceptive B to the curb, and tell her that keeping secrets is opposed to what relationships are all about. If she can't communicate, she can't relate. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 3:11:52 AM | I discussed it with him, he had a fit that I knew.
I ended it.
Hey, if you can't communicate what is there?
I don't get the "unable" to let him know part.
I am always able if I care enough.
How did you stumble across it? Maybe that is the unable to let him know.
This IS a vague and confusing question so a guess is about it.
Were you having him checked out or snooping? I can see not wanting to let that cat out of the bag. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 3:18:52 AM | I feel like they aren't the right one if I can't communicate with them about problems. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 3:30:16 AM | | is it the information that is the problem or is it the WAY the information was discovered that is the problem? | |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 4:05:23 AM | It's difficult to answer the question without more information but...
I'm thinking that if my partner had a secret or held from me something significant from his past, something that affects him today and which ultimately affects us, then I would have to seriously question everything else about our relationship.
In my mind, a relationship, at it's very core, is about relating...if you can't do that openly and without fears, what are you left with?
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Posted: 11/5/2009 4:11:36 AM | # 1 - IF we can't Communicate - Openly and Honestly - He isn't gonna be my "lover"
# 2 - TRUST. You "found out" .. "stumbled across a piece of information" ??? Honestly - I don't care What it is you (cough) "Found out" - the way you put it - You don't KNOW that what you "Stumbled across" is Fact. At the very least - You don't KNOW how his mind works and / or IF this 'think' you "found out" is why he is
his bitterness towards relationships and probably why he cant or isn't ready to commit to me
There are soooo many possible reasons for why he (might be) appears "bitter" toward relationships, And it could be that he just doesn't want to commit (yet) OR to You.
what you do or how would you react if you found out something about your SO past that's having an indirect effect on your current relationship with him/her? but at the same time you are unable to let your SO know that you know the reason why...
it's having an effect on our relationship - We are gonna Talk about it and deal with it or I'm gone. I don't snoop around or Gossip, so there is very little likelihood that I would "stumble across" any information about my SO - IF someone chose to share that 'information', I see NO reason for not discussing it with my SO and I would most certainly tell him how I found out.
Where is your Communication?
Where is the TRUST?
Who are you Loyal to if Not your SO?
Why do people look for reasons why someone doesn't want them or doesn't want to commit to them, when the point is - They don't want to commit to you. Why really doesn't matter.
Games 'n drama .. secrecy and vagueness .. .. Not in my world.
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Posted: 11/5/2009 4:13:31 AM | i just stumbled across a piece of information regarding my current lover... something that fully explains his bitterness towards relationships and probably why he cant or isn't ready to commit to me.
oh umm... says who?
Kinda assuming arent you.
Be careful you dont make a fool of yourself taking that leap cos you might be grasping at straws and end up sorely disappointed
Think some magic *breakthrough* is gonna somehow make him commit? Dont bet on it.
He'll commit if he wants to... and not because you're going all out to break down his "walls" and "understand" him in a way he may not want you to which could be why he's not discussed with you whatever it is.
i wish i could tell him ive been in a similar situation and understand what its like
You've been through a similar situation?
You wish you could tell him?
How come you havent?
Didnt think it was relevant? maybe it was private? or maybe you're "ok" with it?
He might feel the exact same way about whatever it is. Like I said... dont assume
I dunno...this is all very Maxwell Smart and cone-of-silence to me
Guess if it was something I was reallllllllllly concerned about... best way to go about it... would be to discuss my own situation and hope he opens up in return.
Otherwise... try charades. See if he can figure it out.
Cos this sounds a little like a f*ck buddy arrangement... and you're hoping and pushing for more. | |
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| omg that explains alot!!
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:44:07 AM | i just stumbled across a piece of information regarding my current lover... something that fully explains his bitterness towards relationships and probably why he cant or isn't ready to commit to me.
if you are happy with a noncommittal relationship then say nothing and continue on in a relationship that goes nowhere...
no matter what you find out about someone.... unless it comes from them it is hearsay and at best only one version of the truth...
i would say it is having a direct effect on your relationship.... as you place it as the reason he can't commit...
so yea i would talk to them. it is fat better to lose someone to reality than live in disillusion | |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 4:48:09 AM | If my ex is in the past...then they are in the past. Otherwise I need to get over them.
If they are still in my life, as a friend? Then, does the new info affect our friendship?
Just talk to your ex, that's all. If it affected the intimate part of your prior relationship, then that was in the past.
And if its not jermaine to your friendship now...why stick your nose in someone else's business? Ask yourself this question, "while it makes me feel better....is it really going to do them a favor?" If you can answer this honestly...you tend to get your answer, which is, let the sleeping dog lie. | |
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