| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:33:23 PM | i appreciate that as the years go by, many of us would like to meet "the one" and asap. so, you meet a man or woman who you have a lot in common with, same values, good looking, enjoy doing the same stuff. trouble is, despite that s/he says that s/he is going slow, it's way too fast for you and some of what is said is "presumptuous" or you feel "inappropriate".
some of it s/he thinks is flattering to you. whereas you find it annoying because s/he does not even know the real you "yet". you are not looking for empy romantic words, you are looking to see him or her walk the talk! so , in essence, you start putting up boundaries that were not there from the getgo, as when you make commitments they are well founded and solid.
any suggestions how to turn it down a notch, w/o hurting feelings and in trying to salvage the relationship by stopping the flood of , what appears to you to be a lot of, mushy stuff-- that you don't feel is REAL yet. it's not that you are not romantic, you just can't turn it on that quickly just because of some fantasy in someone else's head. however, when you do feel it's real, you can be very very romantic, poetic, et al.
for example after just three dates, but a lot of talking and getting to know one another via email and phone, the new person in your life, starts planning your future and declares they will only see you from here on in! no asking, mind you. almost guilting you into it, rather than let you truly "feel" it over a reasonable period of time. you feel cornered and pushed.
happen to anyone? anyone successful in taming the pace so that it eventually did work out for the two of you? it all is so good, except that the rushing into it, makes you almost feel like you have no free will or even longing. after all, it's been less than one month in total! | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:45:57 PM | ooooooooooooh i just hate that...
my last ltr was already planning my birthday and christmas presents months before the due date...
and, even though he knew i love my privacy and always respected his, was always suggesting that it would be a great idea to move in with him...
eventually i felt crowded with all the hints etc.,...
it was very annoying to me... | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:59:17 PM | You know, I've just had this conversation with my daughter..lol..I think some people don't listen. They assume you'll be thrilled and just don't hear you saying "too fast" or "no". It's pretty immature and self-centred.
Serenity, if it were me, I'd let him make as many plans as he wants and when he's finished speaking, ask him if he would like to know what you think. It will probably come as a shock!
But you can't really knock enthusiasm too hard on the head. After all, you might really like him but fear and past experiences are stopping you from jumping in with both feet. I can't talk - nothing is worse for me than feeling trapped. But...slow him down, don't turn him away - not yet... | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:00:00 AM |
serenitycw wrote:..........for example after just three dates, but a lot of talking and getting to know one another via email and phone, the new person in your life, starts planning your future and declares they will only see you from here on in! no asking, mind you. almost guilting you into it, rather than let you truly "feel" it over a reasonable period of time. you feel cornered and pushed.
happen to anyone? anyone successful in taming the pace so that it eventually did work out for the two of you? it all is so good, except that the rushing into it, makes you almost feel like you have no free will or even longing. after all, it's been less than one month in total!
To be honest I am not attracted to nor attract men who want to control me, much less think they can. And I am honest enough to say I am always perplexed with where do people meet these controlling types? Secure empowered women know they don't need a man to be complete, so maybe this is why we attract men who know they are in our life because they are our equals. It's why I had a great multi-decades marriage.
~Beth~ | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:06:34 AM | well, in my case, he's not controlling, just a bit of a nerd and a very smart one at that, cute , naive, goofy, sincere, romantic--and can be annoying at the same time! ffs knows me pretty well, so i'll try to hang in there. i'm just a bit from the school of hard knocks. i take my time, but i do it right! plus, i think i'm good at it, as long as nobody rushes me. you don't see me much on the poetry threads, unless it's about survival on the streets or about concepts. yet, once i'm snared, i'm so f'ing romantic, it's disgusting! i just like to take my time and know it's right. i don't make assumptions about a person, i get to know the person "truly". even after all that, i am often wrong, but can't say i didn't try.
to ffs, comment below. your check is in the mail. don't reuse the stamp. | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:12:03 AM |
serenitycw wrote: well, in my case, he's not controlling, just a bit of a nerd and a very smart one at that, cute , naive, goofy, sincere, romantic--and can be annoying at the same time! ffs knows me pretty well, so i'll try to hang in there. i'm just a bit from the school of hard knocks. i take my time, but i do it right! plus, i think i'm good at it, as long as nobody rushes me. you don't see me much on the poetry threads, unless it's about survival on the streets or about concepts. yet, once i'm snared, i'm so f'ing romantic, i'ts disgusting. i just like to take my time and know it's right. i don't make assumptions about a person, i get to know the person. even after all that, i am often wrong, but can't say i didn't try.
Sounds like you are a pretty well put together woman. And I think nerd, cute, naive, goofy, sincere and romantic is a nice combo. And lets face it, those of us who attract those kind of men, can be a tad annoying at times as well. Its called respect and love, which is a winning combo. ~Beth~ | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:54:30 AM | Well, it's time for The Talk.
You've got to articulate your feelings to this individual just as you have here. Say you're in this for a sit-down meal -- not a burger in a bag at a drive-thru.
At the same time, maybe you can get some insight into 'Why the rush?' Between you, perhaps you can attain a happy medium ... AND get over your first speedbump together. | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:46:08 AM | Ooh I dislike that so much. One man I met for coffee decided to leave after an hour because he didn’t want to seem too pushy. However, he then started emailing lots, talking online and decided he was lonely, and that we should be together. I apparently had no say… He wasn’t interested in slowing things down; quite the opposite so I did the only thing I could | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:38:37 AM | Here are my feelings on the matter.. You are outta of sink sort of speak with this man.. That results in those boundaries being put up.
Unfortunately he is going to be hurt and I know being the caring person you are you will do it as gently as you can.
You know after 3 dates this man is most probably in love with the idea of love and it has little to do with you.. Yet his romantic side certainly does have it's appeal you sadly might just have to let him go..
It's a very difficult one to let go off.. you can try and slow him down but I think that will result in him being very unhappy.
Good luck
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:38:43 AM | happen to anyone? anyone successful in taming the pace so that it eventually did work out for the two of you?
Yes, it happened to me. When I first met my husband, within the first month, he was "making plans" , as you say. And, I felt slightly "unnerved". And, I wanted to take it slow.
So, what I did was let him talk........let him make his plans........When he asked me a "direct question" about US, I'd say "we'll see"....... or....... "maybe".......... or...." it sounds great, but not now". I never gave him a direct answer until I was ready. This gave me time to adjust and get in touch with my own feelings. And, what it gave him was HOPE for a future with me and he kept coming back.
You see, I think a man needs to see a woman "fitting into his life". So, when he thinks he's found "the woman" , when he's serious, he wants you to know it. He wants to get started as quickly as possible. He wants to announce it to the roof-tops....... to you, the neighbors, friends, family and co-workers.
A man, who isn't making plans about you.............isn't serious.
any suggestions how to turn it down a notch
Instead of feeling annoyed, uncomfortable with mushy romantic stuff , putting up boundaries etc.......why don't you let down your guard and enjoy it? In other words, instead of turning it down a notch, why don't you kick it up one? Accept his romantic gestures and show a little more of your sweet side. What are you afraid of? Put your big toe in the water and go with the flow.  .........
hmmmmmm.................A man making plans............you lucky girl!!! | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:05:13 AM |
To be honest I am not attracted to nor attract men who want to control me, much less think they can. And I am honest enough to say I am always perplexed with where do people meet these controlling types? Secure empowered women know they don't need a man to be complete, so maybe this is why we attract men who know they are in our life because they are our equals. It's why I had a great multi-decades marriage.
I am digesting this and there is a whole lot of truth to it. To be honest a man that would be planning our future together after 3 dates??????
Yes I would like him to see him making plans as in future dates not as in the rest of our life.
This sounds like a fire that is raging out of control to my ears.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:09:08 AM | Cat, why does this situation sound so dire to you? Serenity really likes the guy - he's just making her a little nervous, that's all.. :jumper -------- that's him.. | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:11:24 AM | How does a man, who is expressing his feelings and desire for a future, with a woman, equate to control?
I'm puzzled?????? Where's that "scratchin' my head" emoticon?.........when you need it?
VVVVV....Cat..........they've been communicating for a month!!!!..........She likes him........!!!! | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:12:27 AM |
Cat, why does this situation sound so dire to you? Serenity really likes the guy - he's just making her a little nervous, that's all.
How well do you know someone after 3 dates that you would plan the rest of your life out with them?
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:17:05 AM | ^^maybe he's a daydreamer, Cat. Maybe he's showing her how into her he is - that he's head over heels about her...I dunno.
It's pie-in-the-sky stuff, yes. But it's also pretty romantic. And look at Phoebe's husband. He knew what he wanted after three dates...and he was right on the money. | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:18:55 AM | There is no doubt in my mind why this man is making her nervous and it is for this reason..
Her feelings are in fact very justified.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:26:16 AM |
^^maybe he's a daydreamer, Cat. Maybe he's showing her how into her he is - that he's head over heels about her...I dunno.
It's pie-in-the-sky stuff, yes. But it's also pretty romantic
Indeed very appealing and I agree and highly romantic.. I just hope the pie in the sky eventually touches down and comes in for a landing and this works out believe me..
I will stay tuned.. Cause infatuation can turn to love.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:30:20 AM | I have seen a lot of men and women behave this way. I don't think they have ever grown out of high school mentality. And if you don't match their pace they move on as quickly as they came. A whirlwind romance. To me it reminds me of high school where you hook up and instantly became a couple. Some people don't know any better this is the way they have dated their entire life they haven't progressed since high school. I see friends doing this stuff all the time.....it always flabbergast me to no end. And it doesn' t usually work since they have moved so fast and furious.
I would just be honest. Especially if you like him. I would tell him I just don't move that fast. The mushy stuff. Some people talk that way. It makes them feel more intimate with you and they think it makes you feel special. The pre planning
your future together it only happens if you choose it to happen. You can slow down the pace. With actions and attitude but still allow him to retain his dignity with gentle words and actions telling him and balance. Sometimes after being in bad relationships that haven't worked we tend to be gun shy. So if I am walking on egg shells around everyone then I need to step a little bit firmer on the ground.........good luck OP | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:36:29 AM | There is no doubt in my mind why this man is making her nervous and it is for this reason.
.......... OR............it could be because she knows, deep down, he's the one!! When this happens to a woman, it scares the b-jeezes outta her. She can do one of two things............stay or run
Her life.........her choice.......I just gave her suggestions ( in a previous message ) how to "give herself time" to adjust to how she's feeling, without discouraging the guy.
She's already stated he's not controlling. Let's not make something up that isn't there. Not ALL guys are into control...........that's a pretty sad label to pin on them, because they see what they want and they're going for it.
I sure would prefer a man who's showing interest towards me rather than a man showing indifference.
Knowing Serenity to be a pretty savvy lady...........I'd say that "being controlled by a man", wouldn't be an issue for her. | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:52:26 AM |
OR............it could be because she knows, deep down, he's the one!!
Nervous to me is not a good emotion to be experiencing it denotes fear.
You might be confusing this with butterflies which is a very good and positive emotion because it is anticipation.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:59:22 AM | If you really think about it, once you start building a future with a woman there is no other reasonable option besides making plans. If you are not making plans, you are not building a future. If you are not building a future, you are not that interested.
Agreeing to the plans is a type of declaration of commitment. That can be both positive for the relationship, or scary. You can be non-committal about the plans, which is a message that you are not sure about things yet. Keep that up and he will get the message. Don't cry, however, when you assume that the two of you will be doing some event, and he shows up with a new friend.
It usually takes me a few seconds to figure out whether I want to go somewhere with a woman, and by a third date its either all over or we are in it for the long haul. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Different experiences as well.... | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:05:40 AM | | We all have gotten a head of ourselves at times. FFS hit it dead smack on the head. He is simply bowled over with this amazing woman he has found. In a quiet moment let him know that you do care, that you would like to see the realationship move forward. You need to take things one day at a time. | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:14:28 AM |
She's already stated he's not controlling. Let's not make something up that isn't there. Not ALL guys are into control...........that's a pretty sad label to pin on them, because they see what they want and they're going for it.
He is in fact going for it as you say.. However look at her first post when she states how this is making her feel.
"For example after just three dates, but a lot of talking and getting to know one another via email and phone, the new person in your life, starts planning your future
it all is so good, except that the rushing into it, makes you almost feel like you have no free will"
Not an issue of control at all really but she is not where he is.
However she really she is at a point where she most certainly is entertaining the idea. She would really like to feel what he is feeling so she floats in and out of that feeling like she has no free will.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:20:06 AM |
In a quiet moment let him know that you do care, that you would like to see the realationship move forward. You need to take things one day at a time.
Indeed if he can slow down and allow her to catch up there is indeed hope.
thecatsmeoww | |
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