| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:12:45 AM | So, many apologies for putting my own case on the docket! As well, many more apologies for it being a long read! Please take the time though! =)
Five years ago, I made an amazing –amazing- friend, whom, we’ll call Kyle, for the sake of not confusing anyone. We grew closer, and his feelings grew stronger. Back then, I was a mess.
The coin flipped, and his world turned upside down. His father commited suicide. It was my turn to pay back the kindness he showed me.
I moved in to take care of his crumbling mother, brother, and most importantly, him.
It only took him three days after his fathers’ death, to ask me to be his girlfriend for the nine billionth time. Reluctantly, but afraid of hurting him more, I said yes. My thoughts being:
- He has always been there for me, and, I want to be there for him.
- He is one of my best friends, and I will do whatever he needs me to do to make him better.
- After a few months, the shock would dissipate. Leaving room for us to discuss being friends again.
Terrible game plan, at best.
The months went by, I seemed to be providing what it was that his family needed, little by little. I began to feel relief, anticipating the day that I would not have to lie to his family every single day. There was light, and by god, I was embracing it!
Then, it got worse. Much worse.
Kyle’s mother had to sell the house to get them out of the accumulated debt the father left behind. My (stupid, and EXTREMELY self –centered) plan, collapsed. The light was gone, and, I panicked. Instead of being honest, and finding the balls to outright tell Kyle about my need to escape the relationship, I took on their new additional pain, and seen to it that I try again to do whatever I could do, to help.
Now it became a time issue. Having been a part of his living/household family for over six months, I felt I couldn’t just very well get out of this time of need, without making it obvious of my former intentions.
So, we moved.
The move disturbed the settling dust, and his mom developed a new way of coping with this new life, by controlling ours. Every aspect of it.
- How long we could stay on the phone.
- Having to be in person with her until she fell asleep.
- No “Depressing” music in the house.
Etc etc etc.
I was losing it. Again, stupidly, instead of using the new rules as possibly a way of getting out of the situation, I chickened out. Hungry for a normal life, but afraid of hurting my friend, I did something I have regretted to the very moral fiber of my being, ever since.
I turned to another friend (who, of course, was male), and let it all out. Expressing my fears, my pain, my lies, etc. This “friend” became my soundboard, and eventually, the only person I thought I could be myself with, after now close to a year, of lies. It felt GREAT.
When things in this new friendship, seemed to have the potential of becoming something else, something amazing, I felt the need to separate myself from Kyle, his family, and all the terrible things I had become in the mean time.
Dustin and I, began coming up with ways to get myself out of the relationship, while still trying to salvage any hope of Kyle and I remaining friends, or at the very least… Ways that wouldn’t involve him hating me.
When a plan seemed to formulate, I told Dustin I needed the weekend to exercise it, and as fate knows, things never operate the way you plan.
That weekend, I realized that I even more stupid than originally thought. Kyle sat down beside me on the couch that Friday night, held my hand, kissed me softly on the hand, and said those three words we hadn’t said, “I love you.”.
I looked at him, deep deep deep into his eyes, and understood, that I had too. Those three words, unlocked what ever had prevented me from seeing it before. I loved him. I loved him, and that was why I stayed. I had been looking for a reason to run away from loving him, all this time. It had taken me a long year, many poor decisions, but, I finally accepted what it was.
Sunday.
I felt bad about what I had to do next, but I wasn’t scared of it. I called up Dustin, and told him directly, I was staying with Kyle, that I loved Kyle, and, I was sorry for everything.
Mistake.
Dustin sent all the emails, all the MSN chats, all the anything’s he could, to hurt me, hurt Kyle, in any way he could.
Sunday night.
Kyle told me that I had hurt him the most, over and above everything that had happened that year. Then, Kyle told me to leave, and never contact him again.
It’s been three years since then, and apart from having talked a couple times on Facebook, discussing the progress of our lives, I haven’t tried to explain my feelings back then, my mentality, or, how sooo soo sorry I am. I’ve been in a couple relationships since then, but, I find myself, still thinking of the boy.
He is still single, having dated only a few weeks here and there. I can’t help but wonder if enough time has gone by, that I might have the bleakest shot of apologizing my ass off, and essentially, begging him to try again. Or, if too much time has gone by, and, I should just accept my mistakes, and fully let him go. | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:40:56 AM | Let him go.
I hate to tell you but you'd just end up doing it again once the dust settled and you decide that he's "forgotten" about it. Which is something that he'll never do.
It's also an opportunity for him to be able to do the same, should the opportunity ever rise.
It's better this way for both of you. No one needs to be a surrogate parent.
Trust. Me. | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:44:24 AM | You're sweet, but maybe a little too sweet for your own good. You did a ton of wrong things for the right reasons, and you ended up cultivating several unhealthy relationships.
My best advise would be to "fully let him go" as you put it; I think even attempting to re-connect on a romantic level stands a much better chance of ending tragically at this point than anything else, and by holding a candle for him your robbing yourself of the chance to really be happy.
I know. It sucks, and it's hard to let people you really care about go... but the situation you've shared is a trainwreck, one your lucky to have gotten away from. All the apologizing and pleading in the world won't change that, and infact would effectively be nothing short of begging for more.
Good luck :) | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:48:38 AM | The only thing you can do is talk to him and see what happens.
Of course, whether or not you're really in love with this guy is entirely up for debate. I'd put my money on being comfortable being the more likely situation. | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:09:05 AM | Are you sure you want to try again or just want his forgiveness to alleviate your guilt cos if thats all it is... I think you need to stop thinking of yourself again... and leave the guy alone.
Takes a few years for these things to hit dont they? What we've done to other people.
You devastated two men... and did a sh*tload of damage to a family.
Honestly OP... sometimes "sorry" isnt good enough.
When you stab someone so deeply in the heart... they dont just get over it and neither do you.
They may still even love you... but you change everything. You scar them and yourself.
Hope you've learned your lesson... its a harsh one to learn at such a young age... but hope that its done what it needs to... that it changes you.
It will make you woman enough... to love a man.
Do a LOT of soul searching before even contemplating contacting him about this...
... cos there's another aspect to it... after what you've done... there's a very good chance that even if he took you back... you may have to pay for this with him... for the rest of your life.
He'd have to be an exceptional man to do otherwise
If I were he... I dont know if I could do it | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:14:40 AM | ='(
I suppose it stands to reason that I haven't said anything throughout the years. Perhaps a "Gut feeling"?
I guess I have the hardest time understanding why it haunts me still? Well, apart from having become an "Emotional" cheater, back then.
The whole situation, is toxic. Yet, here I am, seeking counsel from strangers (very nice strangers, at that), about a situation that happened years ago, that I'm probably too smart to be hung up on.
You know better, and I thank you for that part, too. =')
Le'sigh.
Is there a thread for forward thinking? 
Also, Gray?( I forgot your online name already... Woops!)
Can you elaborate on what you mean by "Being comfortable", please? Thanks! | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:29:59 AM | (I don't know how to make the symbol in your name, but), ~Lady with the black hair~,
Well, thanks for your imput.
This isn't something that just crept-up on me. The guilt, pain, sadness, anger, hatred (of what I have done), hit home soon after it had a chance to register.
I don't mope around aimlessly throughout the day, feeling sorry for myself over a mistake I made when I was barely twenty. Rather, it exists there, inside of me.
I agree, what I did was stupid. Very stupid. Back then though, I was. I thought I was doing a good thing. I didn't read any of the "What to do if your best man-friend's dad hangs himself in the basement with an electrical cord, and leaves the family with no reason" books back then, so, I had no experience, or know how of right or wrong in the situation.
Don't get me wrong, I loved his brother, loved his mother. Most of what I did, was for the love of their family.
Anyways, I guess it doesn't matter, really.
I've made my bed. | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:49:24 AM | Rather, it exists there, inside of me.
Anyways, I guess it doesn't matter, really.
I've made my bed.
It does matter. Its bothering you. You need to get closure on this.
Thats why I said...
Are you sure you want to try again or just want his forgiveness to alleviate your guilt cos if thats all it is... I think you need to stop thinking of yourself again... and leave the guy alone.
And
Do a LOT of soul searching before even contemplating contacting him about this...
Honestly... think to yourself... I know what you've said...
I might have the bleakest shot of apologizing my ass off, and essentially, begging him to try again
What do you need? what do you want? is it truly another shot.
Can you honestly say to yourself that given extreme circumstances you wont do the same thing again?
Are you hoping that by unburdening your heart it will help you heal?
Are you hoping that if you confess to him everything... that you'll get his forgiveness?
Are you scared that even if you open your heart and let it all out... it wont make a difference?
Or how about this... that your guilt is so deep... that all you're focused on is alleviating that and thats what your relationship will be based on and needing to "prove" yourself... and not your actual love for him.
Maybe you need to see his anger? to have him "punish" you for what you've done (just like Dustin did) and take the place of the punishment you're inflicting on yourself every day by carrying this.
Why would you want to put him through that ontop of everything else?
If your true intention is to offer this guy the best of yourself... rather than the lie I think he probably felt he lived at the time... then take the chance... you say you're in contact with him... write it to him and say what you need to... let him lead the way.
You write beautifully... and if anything will let him see what you feel... that will.
... but if its been 3 years and you still feel like this... you either do what you need to to resolve it... or you may need some counselling.
You may have handled the situation badly at the time... but what happened didnt just happen to the family... it happened to you too. | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:09:07 AM | OP, please, get out of this guys life. You only did what you did because you have a need to be 'needed'. Someone who will come in and try to make things all pretty.
I call BS! You've impacted what, 4 guy's lives now? And are wanting to do more damage?
Please, please (damn, why am I being polite?), leave this guy and his family alone!! | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:17:27 AM | Time to move on, OP. Its probably what you did not want to hear from the posters here...you know deep down what you ought to do, a bright, articulate, emotionally in tune woman that you are . We all wish we could turn back the clock, before that left turn.
Do the right thing by Kyle and most importantly yourself, by righting your wrongs from here on. Write him a letter if need be, but only to exorcise the old demon. Leave it at that...a bittersweet memory.
(I don't know how to make the symbol in your name, but), ~Lady with the black hair~,
~§~
Tell me about it...invested 15 minutes tinkering to try and figure it out.....pretty funky I thought!
| |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:04:55 PM | | I dissagree...if you know you love him...and you are ready to do it right..to be there and be the only one and he your only one....go for it! what do you have to loose? it may or may not happen but at least you tried one more time....stranger things have happened in life. | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:27:36 PM | I am assuming that Kyle is an intelligent and reasonably emotionally aware person. Hence, he knows as well as you do that you were under a shrieking weight of pressure then, as much as he was though from a different perspective, and is probably also aware, as are you, that people often behave irrationally and self-defeatingly at such times.
He knows, as you do, that a tremendous amount was being asked of you at the time, and that you accepted this, and that it really was a genuine burden.
And he knows, as you do, that it's been three years, and you've both had time to grow up a bit more, and recover.
He also knows whether or not he feels he shot himself in the foot by being so absolutely condemning (at a time when he was extremely vulnerable and prone to overreact) about your having used the sadly vengeful Dustin as an emotional escape hatch. This, you don't know.
I say, show him this, and find out.
Also, I suggest you submit it to a couple of film studios. This would make a fantastic date movie. | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:33:32 PM | 1) What you did was not "bad" in my book.
But totally expected considering the family sortof emotionally blackmailed you.
With all that drama it is understandable you reached out to someone else.
And what happened before he said he loved you shouldn't matter.
It's in the guy rules somewhere.
We have to say we want a girl to claim a girl.
Before we do she is a free agent.
So cut yourself slack on that.
2) I can understand him being hurt, but he's in the wrong if he cared so much.
He's too sensitive and being abit of a baby. If he can't get over it....well it's his call.
You can try to contact him if you want, but it's up to him to understand and move on.
Who can say if he will.
3) Are you writing a movie script?
Sounds like a Sandra Bullock movie in the making. | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:05:30 PM | I have sooo so much to say to the posters I just read!
I just spent the entire day at West Edmonton Mall, combing through stores to find as many original "Ancient" Transformer' anythings ,for my six year old. My mind is mush. So, I believe a nap is in order. Then I shall sprint back, and re-read what you all have written. =)
Again, I thank you all. This, is a very deep wound, and, it's hard to talk about it with strangers. I more than appreciate the input (even the negative comments).
Alright!
Ta!
Oh right...Before I go though, a movie?/giggle. I guess it meets the criteria, but, I don't know if it would go through the regular "Happy predictable ending" theme. Perhaps M Night Shamalan(Sorry, Sp?) could direct it.
Ha! | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:26:15 PM | My advice OP is primarily not to view life as some kind of success/failure wrt to being yourself.
You were being you, sometimes that doesn't pan out quite how we imagined and that's how we learn the lessons which are relevant to our individual personalities. But personality isn't about learning the right techniques to secure objectives. That would be something else entirely though it's easy to get confused about that when young.
The way you acted, the things you did, you did from the heart and they are whom you are all things being equal. You handled things exactly how you would've. In other words you did all the right things and have all the right attitudes. You thought deeply about things, continued to reassess the situation and acted accordingly, you acted with feeling and consideration, you put others before yourself and yet continued to include yourself which is very developed, I think anyone who reads your post couldn't help but to develop a profound respect for you.
I think also you are a more forthright and honest person than you give yourself credit for. You weren't lying about how this relationship formed and became committed with Kyle because above and beyond all else you did what you wanted to do. The internal monologue you had previously about becoming his girlfriend under false pretences was just insecure head stuff, you were doing what you wanted to do. So all else aside you wanted to move in, you wanted to be there, you wanted to play his girlfriend for a while. And later you wanted to become more committed about it (which is unfortunately when things all went to shît).
So here's the thing. You're more a real human being that a lot of people your age, and as a consequence you've seen a larger life than your years and it seems really big. The love thing. So this Kyle situation seems unique right now but don't get suckered in by Hollywood romance. True for most your age and even some older "love" and relationships are something far more organised, like an employment contract, with terms and rights. You've tasted the kind of relationships you're more suited to, something deeper, bigger, more powerful and involving. I'd say don't confuse this by associating it with just one specific individual.
In other words the relationship was the right one but I don't necessarily think Kyle was the right person. Do you follow me here? Let it work out, or not work out or whatever, but self respect the way you are, the decisions you make, don't second guess yourself so much, if something isn't working out then you should know that this is the way you want it, because you do right, trust yourself and have faith in you, or whatever has been guiding you after the fact.
It's like playing chess at master level. You have a good plan and it doesn't matter what the opponent does or intends, you make your moves largely irrespective of what they move and the game just works to your favour, because you had a good plan. You trust the plan. You've got a good plan, being whom you are like this, caring and decent, moral and committed, smart and involved.
You'll meet another Kyle, have patience for that but let this one go.
By the way in your pics you look much better without makeup. You've very nice skin and makeup on it actually takes your appearance down a grade. The next Kyle is going to be a super lucky feller on all counts. | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:29:22 PM |
(I don't know how to make the symbol in your name, but), ~Lady with the black hair~
Start>All Programs>Accessories>System Tools>Character Map | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:52:10 AM | ~ξ~:
“What do you need? what do you want? is it truly another shot.
Can you honestly say to yourself that given extreme circumstances you wont do the same thing again?
Are you hoping that by unburdening your heart it will help you heal?
Are you hoping that if you confess to him everything... that you'll get his forgiveness?
Are you scared that even if you open your heart and let it all out... it wont make a difference?
Or how about this... that your guilt is so deep... that all you're focused on is alleviating that and thats what your relationship will be based on and needing to "prove" yourself... and not your actual love for him.
Maybe you need to see his anger? to have him "punish" you for what you've done (just like Dustin did) and take the place of the punishment you're inflicting on yourself every day by carrying this.
Why would you want to put him through that ontop of everything else?”
I never considered this. You are right, about everything. I never asked myself the reason behind wanting him to try again. I suppose there is a lot of guilt, waiting to be relieved. Maybe I have only translated that as love, when, there are so many factors that could be motivating me.
I guess, though…Even ruling out some, it still leaves me with the need to at the very least, tell him how sorry I am. Now however, I am beginning to see that it is not so much a starting point, as it is a human need to in essence, repent.
I will have to think long and hard about this.
Thank-you, truly.
=)
Scottdehart:
I do appreciate your input, even though, I guess it stings to have it thrown in my face. It is fair though. I do, intend to let it go. I haven’t really talked about this situation in depth with anyone other than one of my Girlfriends. It’s nice to have more feedback.
Thanks!
~Perdo Sanchez~:
I am beginning to understand now. I guess it was a very, hard lesson. Moreover, it has set the standards I have for being in a relationship now. I have not taken for granted anyone I have dated since. Their feelings are the utmost important factor I consider, daily.
Being human, I have encountered other issues in some of these later relationships, but I suppose that is life. =) Thank-you.
Tony_here:
If this comment had come at the beginning, I might have a different thought process than I do now. The posters have helped me understand many things I did not stop to consider. Unless I am sure I do, have the purest intention, I cannot fully justify my former yearning. If I hurt him more? That.Would.Be.Devastating.
I appreciate it, though!
Helen0426:
Thank you for your words, as they are, very kind. As I mentioned in another response to to Tony_Here, I think that this might be yet another, selfish act on my behalf. I haven’t considered his feelings, should I emerge with this “Train wreck” ( and here, I thought I had fully learned the lessons on being selfish, =/ ). Perhaps he put our former relationship in a box, and buried it deep within the closet. He hasn’t come forth with any intent of getting back together, so, it is probably the best that I let him go, and wish him all the best from behind the curtain. I have to debate if I will risk our tiny fragment of friendship, in order to say the things I have left unsaid. Time will tell. =)
Stray Cat:
“And what happened before he said he loved you shouldn't matter.
It's in the guy rules somewhere.
We have to say we want a girl to claim a girl.
Before we do she is a free agent.
So cut yourself slack on that.”
Cutting myself “Slack” on that will be hard, considering, even though left unsaid, I knew very well, the profound feelings he had invested in me. I shouldn’t have turned to anyone else. I see that now. If anything, that is the hardest part coming to terms with. I took advantage of his “Profound feelings”, and used them as leverage for him to instill trust in me, when, I was being far less than trustworthy. I might add, that I kissed Dustin, in all of, this. So, it wasn’t all, just emotional cheating. And, there’s absolutely no amount of reasoning I can give to justify that.
Also, Sandra Bullock drives me batty. Ha. | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:07:40 AM | vanaheim:
Wow. That's a lot to comment on!
For starters, I feel like you're giving me waaaaaaay too much -nice-, more than deserved. =) I still cheated on him. That's inexcusable. I was young, yes, but, I knew wrong from right.
"In other words the relationship was the right one but I don't necessarily think Kyle was the right person. Do you follow me here? Let it work out, or not work out or whatever, but self respect the way you are, the decisions you make, don't second guess yourself so much, if something isn't working out then you should know that this is the way you want it, because you do right, trust yourself and have faith in you, or whatever has been guiding you after the fact.
It's like playing chess at master level. You have a good plan and it doesn't matter what the opponent does or intends, you make your moves largely irrespective of what they move and the game just works to your favour, because you had a good plan. You trust the plan. You've got a good plan, being whom you are like this, caring and decent, moral and committed, smart and involved.
You'll meet another Kyle, have patience for that but let this one go."
I suppose. I've had a lot of revelation since writting my first post on here (my mind works fast, what can I say. Heh.). I think you're right. I'm going to let this boy go. I feel it deep down, that it's the right thing to do. Strange how three years go by, my additude the same, feelings the same, then, within a day...I understand it.
It's time to free him from the mental wieghts I had him pegged under, and time to move forward with life.
I kind'of feel like a big baby for writting this, though, all the insight was just what I needed. Life, is strange.
I don't exactly want to meet another Kyle. I think my years of "Kyle", are over. Just like that.
Guess this means no movie! =D
Ha.
Also, for le'compliment, thanks!/Giggle. It made me smile, and, as the random =)'s throughout the entire thread implicate, I like to smile.
I are happy girl. Mostly. =)
-Kes
Oh yeah, thank-you thank-you thank-you! | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:31:54 AM | It would still make a great movie. The studio would end it however they want it to end, anyway!
Glad this exercise was useful for you in sorting out the leftover feelings. You seem like a lovely person and I hope all goes well for you.
 | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:34:26 AM | Ha! I feel like I am getting feedback from a professor. Can I please have a sticker, too!
Anyways, again! Thanks! | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:42:06 AM | | I looked at your profile which states that you have children. I am curious as to how they fit into all of this, what is the impact on your kids? You didn't mention them but I am just wondering. Meanwhile, are you seeking therapy? These are some very deep issues you're describing and I think you could benefit by one on one counseling. Good luck! | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:56:14 AM | That's a good question! Certainly worthy of answering.
I was one of those sixteen year olds that thought "It would never happen to me", then it happened. Second time having sex, then, nine months later, I am giving birth to my handsome, son. He is six years old now.
I have a one year old now too. He wasn't concieved out of the former stupidity, rather, he was concieved based on those figures in which are included on your typical Birth Control pill's, statistics of concieving while taking.
My son knew "Kyle". My son lives with me, and of course, lived with me then too. He was only two back then. However, Grandma and Grandpa (The big kid hogs that, they are), took my son for the first month after "Kyles" father killed himself (with me, coming over for family suppers and bed time regimen), then, when things seemed to be less...Immediate, we made the transistion to move him in with me. If things ever became, hard around the house, I brought him to Grandpa and Grandma's, while I dealt with the issues that was happening. They usually had him most weekends, too. Given, it was usually the time that family members would come up and visit them.
I'm very honest with my son, and, I did tell him that "Kyle's" father had died, and "Went to heaven". Explaining mildly, that that was why Kyle, Kyle's mother and Kyle's brother was sad.
I think that about covers that! | |
|
| I miss the boy...
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:15:13 PM | | StartsWithOne, i sent a message to your inbox to elaborate on my earlier point from this thread. | |
|
|
Home
login 
