| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:29:33 AM | I put my profile in "hiding" for a while because I've met someone who seems very special and who seems to fit the bill for long term.
There are a few red flags though that hang out at the back of my mind and maybe you can help me decide what to do and keep me from making a huge mistake either way.
Oh, the reason I'm posting and public now is because I found him recently on other dating websites having recently posted his profile and when I confronted him about it, he stated that he did it after we had a fight and just behaved like a boy.....
(1) He talks about his deceased spouse by name all the time. I very rarely discuss mine even though we were married for 4 years. I also don't discuss my ex who I was married to for 21 yrs. in relating stories about my past.
(2) He seems to resent the closeness between myself, my daughters and my grandchildren stating, "You need to cut the apron strings." I am very close to my children and they will call me to see how to prepare a roast or to voice their concerns about certain decisions they make. I do the same with my parents who are still living and who care.
(3) He has a temper. I left my debit card at home and couldn't find it at the store the other day so he had to pay $5 using his own cash so he threw it down on the counter, obviously annoyed and when we left, I told him I saw that he was angry and he said it was just temporary. I got cash from my bank which was across the parking lot and bought him gas.
I recently moved and stayed with him for a couple of weeks so had my mail transferred to his address. He got a piece of mail addressed to my ex at his address because the insurance company had my forwarding address or something...he ripped the piece of mail in pieces, flew into a rage, said he never wanted to be involved in my "mess", told me I'd better get this straightened out (or else?), told me because I'd been on the phone with my daughter for so long I would be telling people I was an "ex employee of my company."
(4) He loves animals more than people.
(5) He wants to move in with me and share expenses. I have a job and he has benefits and can't really take a job in his field to protect his benefits.
He has many great traits, funny, makes me laugh, is fun to be with, is a great cook and helped me with the move as much as possible. He is cute and intelligent and witty.
He is also rude to people, outspoken, loud and insulting to people in public. (from New York).
I was raised in a family who were respectful of others and in public wouldn't think of insulting the waiter or waitress or clerk at the store. (they might spit in your food or drag it through the dishwater...lol)
In the past I've been co-dependent with an alcoholic, abusers (physically and mentally), and seem to have a penchant for finding men with a terrible, explosive temper. I really do care for him and just want to see through other eyes than my own as my "eyesight" is often dim when it comes to relationships.
So, what do you think? Let me have it with both barrels.
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:35:08 AM | RUN
This guys negatives outweigh his positives. He sounds rude and obnoxious.
What do you like about him again?
RUN | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:38:46 AM | | Why would you sit and wait for the other shoe to drop? OP, clearly you see it will. If you were content with his behavior, you would not have posted this thread. DO NOT move in with this guy whatever you decide. Personally, I would leave now...and I think if you really listen to your instincts, you would too. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:40:18 AM | I'm really leery of any man who cannot control his temper in public and will release it on the people he is suppose to care about the most. That scenario that you mentioned in the grocery store seems to be more of a huge red banner than a dinky flag; the fact that he tried to make you feel guilty for an honest mistake and question yourself is disturbing to me.
If you feel like you are questioning more and more of your decisions within the relationship because of a situation that he brings up or has exploded about, I would talk to him about it. If he cannot bring himself to do so and you feel threatened in any way, please end it for your own safety. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:42:38 AM | Thanks for the input. We can talk for hours...we communicate well. Problem is, I am paying all the deposits on this apartment and they amounted to a LOT.
I just don't know......living on my own, by myself sounded SO good. I'm having second thoughts and reservations, but he does what he can or maybe just enough ......
Because his profiles are still active and recent and "new" with activity within the past week......I just have these sniggling doubts. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:46:13 AM | Holy crap. Just read what you wrote. Take a good hard look at it and ask yourself what you would say to one of your kids if they told you the same things you have written. Seriously.... evaluate your own musings. None of us can offer advice nor will you actually take it.
Your pill.... you swallow it | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:46:18 AM | Glad we're all thinking the same on this one - get out of the relationship now. Caring for him is one thing.... you list your concerns with such glaring objectivity that it's clear you already know what you should do.
I can understand that sometimes people talk about exes in order to illustrate a point or explain what they want/don't want in a partner. Doing it repeatedly is sign of a hang-up (not being over it).
Jealous of your family? Ugh - you know what's coming with this - the slow alienation of you from your friends and family.
I won't even comment on the rude, childish temper tantrums - those speak volumes in and of themselves.
Why wait? He's definitely a *next*. Good luck. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:48:35 AM | He is definitely a keeper. He fits all the personality traits of the type of individual you have been in the past, as you have said. What I do not understand it why you have to wait for the other shoe to drop. Do you need more torture, more pain, him doing something even more insulting? Unfortunately you are a little numb to that type of behavior and perhaps tolerate more than the usual person. Do not. Obviously he comes from a family that is less closed than yours. So intimacy at that level is uncomfortable to him. He doesn't want to share expenses, since the duck fit he had over your ATM, what he want is to CONTROL expenses, and since he is on some fix income or benefits, he will USE yours.
I think you know the answer to this. So ask yourself, is this the type of behavior you want for the rest of your life? | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:49:36 AM | Looks like that penchant is acting up again. I think you've seen the other shoe several times already. All of these traits will get worse with increased closeness, as you already know from experience. Sorry... wish I thought the outlook more promising, but... I don't.
The way I see it, 4 and 5 I wouldn't worry about at all, and 1 is debatable, but 2, 3, and 6 (i.e., rudeness and unpresentability, though 6 is unnumbered) are not acceptable. 2 is just something you're never going to agree on, and while it's okay to have different styles, he's made it abundantly clear he's never going to let it go. 3 and 6 are alarming and IMO should set off not just a "ding!" in your head, letting you know "it's done," but an outright exodus klaxon. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:51:45 AM | EJECT EJECT EJECT!!!
Then find some means of self examination to determine why you seem to be attracted to guys like that.
I'm trying to set aside some time on a regular basis to reflect on things in my own life. Sometimes we get too caught up in things and can't see the forest for the trees. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:52:51 AM | oh, zephyr. zephyr, zephyr, zephyr!
1. he's not ready to let go of his past.
2. he has ZERO business telling you how you should relate to your family.
3. he's a very childish, churlish azzhole with a real short fuse.
4. he has obvious problems relating emotionally and empathetically with people.
5. WHAT?!?
i'm not suggesting that you break up with the guy necessarily, that's your decision but jesus h christ don't even think of moving in with this person. he may look like an adult, and he may be one as far as the law is concerned, but he's got all the emotional maturity of your average "terrible two". i'd have to seriously ask you though, if the benefits of this relationship significantly outweigh the burdens. the way you describe it, i think not.
you've recognized your own chronic patterns from prior relationships. good. you could do better, ya know. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:56:08 AM | You just answered your own question.
You admitted to being in co-dependent relationships in the past.
Only you can solve this problem. Maybe some therapy is in order. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:03:01 AM |
I am paying all the deposits on this apartment and they amounted to a LOT.
Oh boy. You are already done in. He complaints about a 5 dollar charge yet allows you, or convinces you, or whatever it is, sugars you into paying for his apartment deposits. This is a guy who knows how to manipulate women. He will make you pay the deposits and make you feel guilty that you are not paying also the rent. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:03:03 AM | Because his profiles are still active and recent and "new" with activity within the past week......I just have these sniggling doubts.
IMO, there is a LOT more going on behind the scenes than an active dating profile. His passive-aggressive behavior; temper tantrums and RAGING; trying to alienate you from your FAMILY; destroying your mail; acting rude and obnoxious...the red flags are literally unfurling out of this guy’s anus at the speed of light. “Waiting for the other shoe to drop” is a statement made by people who are in a highly dysfunctional relationship. He probably likes animals better than people, because he was raised in the wild. THROW HIM BACK! | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:04:08 AM | | This isn't the same Zephyr who purported to be so strong and wouldn't put up with BS, yadda yadda, is it? Why, yes it is. Why are you putting up with BS? Money keeps cropping up in your posts and maybe you're more concerned with security/help with paying the bills than being with the right man? That would be the bloody day I'd be with a man who started telling me I was spending too much time talking to family members. Your family members are always going to be there...guess what the majority of your fights are going to be about (along with money issues). Then you have him hopping online seeking new adventures when the poor baby gets into a snit with you. I wouldn't trust his a$$ as far as I could throw him. Doesn't work in his profession because he would lose his benefits?? Sounds like he's capable of working but is using some sort of "system"...just like it sounds like he's using you, ie. all those deposits on an apartment. C'mon Zephyr...you're either not as strong as you used to make out that you were, or you are and will get rid of the guy. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:05:34 AM | Sorry to hear that you penchant has not diminshed with age and experience.
The man you are describing is already showing signs of being controlling and mentally abusive(#3 of your post) . Threatening you because the insurance ccompany used the incorrect address? Can't see how that is your fault.
By attempting to interfere in your relationship with your children and grandchildren, he is trying to make you more dependant on him.
Being rude to others to such an extent is inexcusable. If you remain with this man, you will spend the next-god-knows-how-many years trying to apologize or explain his behaviour to others and dreading going out with him less his temper blow again.
I think your final statement is correct. Your "eyesight" is dimmed and your blinders are firmly in place.
Time to move on, take some time to enjoy living on your own and quit looking so hard for long term. JMO | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:13:54 AM | Zephyr:
Ohhhhhhhhh.... He sounds...NOT SO GOOD!
It sounds like you might want people to tell you to stay, like you're looking for a reason to stay...like you want people to tell you the things he said/does isn't that bad. They are.
There is one exception in my opinion. Mentioning his deceased wife, as you say, "by name." I see nothing wrong with that unless for some reason he brings her up to compare you or make you feel insecure. She has passed, and was someone presumably he loved. Is he bringing her up to share a memory with you, relate a story, or shut you out? Only you can answer that.
The rest?
It seems from your profile that you have found it difficult to meet men that you feel are your intellectual equal. You want someone you can relate to, have a meaningful rapport with, who "gets you."
Perhaps he has these qualities; add lust and you're hooked!
But...you have to stand back. All that would be great if it were coupled with a loving, nurturing, supportive partner who was your best friend. Who has your back. Who doesn't slap down $5.00 with resentment and anger but instead offers it without anything but love and perhaps says "forget about it" when you offer to pay him back. Not someone you feel a need to repay immediately.
Ripped up your mail because it was addressed to your ex? Flew into a rage? Does that sound intelligent, rational, calm...someone you can really communicate with? On a dating site because you had a fight?
Ultimately I would hope you want someone you can lean on, someone with whom you feel so close in your intellectual, emotional bond that you feel secure, cherished and confident, knowing you can come to this person with anything, share whatever you hope to share, and who will be your biggest supporter through wonderful and difficult times.
Don't let attraction blind you.
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:19:45 AM | This Sh^t will not last. He most have some awfully good shit for you to put up with this bull.  Do yourself a favor and find a new friend. | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:29:01 AM | OP: I stopped reading when I read the part that he added a profile to another dating site after you two had a fight. "Mature" way of handling things.
Kick that Nu Yawker to the curb, and find yourself a man that will appreciate you in every way.
Oh, and we aren't all rude.... | |
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:30:54 AM | Thanks for the input. We can talk for hours...we communicate well. Problem is, I am paying all the deposits on this apartment and they amounted to a LOT.
I just don't know......living on my own, by myself sounded SO good. I'm having second thoughts and reservations, but he does what he can or maybe just enough ......
Because his profiles are still active and recent and "new" with activity within the past week......I just have these sniggling doubts.
Alot of women are dead because the guy they married or dated seemed nice or he was cute. Now, he is a cute , incarcerated and they are dead. This guy is already emotionally abusive to you. How long will it take before he moves on to physical abuse?
RED FLAD -- RUN
Anyone that tries to control your communication with family is CONTROLLING.
He is trying to cut your communication down to a trickle with the outside world.
Which makes you more dependent on him. I am sorry... This is not a good sign.
He could have you in a apartment somewhere cowering, while he is yelling at you or worse. In his world that is probably okay. He doesn't want your family to get to involved in your life with him... He probably doesn't want you to tell your family, He yells at you too. RED FLAG --RUN
He is a louse and a cheap louse at that. What man goes off on a temper tantrum after spending $5.00??? But, he has no problem with you dipping into your pockets to spend $$$ on apartment deposits. RED FLAG ---- RUN
He is still actively looking out there for someone just in case also. My goodness.
I thought you two were moving in together, why would he need to look at anyone online.
Is he a CHEAT too??? RED FLAG ---- RUN
Your intuition is telling you to run from the situation... Why don't you listen to it?
Put that fish back in the sea..That is where it belongs...
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| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:46:41 AM | Omg,"Zephyr"........................you've always struck me as being an intelligent woman........
But,the temper and rudeness + the fact,he RECENTLY put a profile up on a Dating site......................
WTF.................??
Dont waste another precious moment of your time with this Loser.
In the past I've been co-dependent with an alcoholic, abusers (physically and mentally), and seem to have a penchant for finding men with a terrible, explosive temper.
So,you're doing it again...............get out NOW!
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