| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:52:38 AM | Hi, i have been on here for a while but was only ever here for the forums and to make friends, my partner (now ex) knew all along i was on here, just to clear that up... And although i know this is a dating site, im not here for that, i do enjoy the forums, and right now need some advice... Hope you can help.
3 weeks ago, i was living with my patrner, and as far as i knew, we had the perfect relationship. Then suddenly out of the blue, he says we need to talk, and tells me he is leaving. His reason is that i am 6 months pregnant with his baby (he has known all along) and does not want the family life. He said he does not want to have a baby so he felt he had no choice but to leave.
So i was left, shocked, and i watched as he packed his things and just went. Since then i have moved and am living on my own, preparing for my baby which is due in january.
We have spoken, and he said leaving me had nothing to do with me, it was the baby he doesnt want, and that if i hadnt have got pregnant, there would be no reason for him to leave me. He says he will see our baby when she is born, but only because he knows its the right thing to do, not becuase he actually wants to be a dad. He has supported me through the pregnancy, up untill now, and i thought things were very good!
Of course i want him to come back, but he says he wont as he just cant do the family thing.. So i suppose i need to accept hes gone but i am so confused about everything! I was under the impression we would be bringing up this child together, not me on my own. Im very scared and although i still want this baby, i still dont want to do it alone.
It feels as if hes just been able to walk away and im left to pick up the pieces. I never wanted to be a single mum, and im going to be, i find it scary.
Thank you for reading, i really needed to get this off my chest! Any advice would be appriciated. | |
|
| |
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:59:30 AM | I'm truly sorry. You're 20; I'm guessing he's about 20. He's just incredibly immature and thinks he can walk away. It doesn't work that way. I have no advice, and nothing I can say can possibly make this better.
There is a chance that he'll have a change of heart once your baby is born. But I wouldn't bet on it. You're facing the rest of your life with a decision you made 6 months ago. Try to get as much support as you can from everyone you can. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:59:38 AM | Get yourself a good lawyer, find out what your rights are and those of your baby, and haul his ass into court and ensure he's financially responsible for a baby he helped make. Don't let him get away with not paying up!!! Soak him!
If he didn't want children, he should have not had sex to begin with.
Why would you want back an irresponsible idiot like him? | |
|
| |
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:05:22 AM | WOW.....sorry for you....
My mom was a single mom and raised me without my dad's or any social services financial help. It is possible to do it by yourself.
In your case, I would contact an attorney.....Your ex needs pay child support.
I hope it gets better... | |
|
| |
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:10:01 AM | Eeeegads! This is a horrible position to be in and I'm not going to get into why you got pregnant in the first place - at this point that's beside the fact because you are pregnant and are going to have a child soon - no taking it back now.
I find it simply incredible that a guy could just up and leave you at this point so coldly but it does go to show you what life would have been like if he stayed. You may or may not get back together with him if for some reason he has a change of heart. Lord knows women take men back for all kinds of crazy reasons. Hopefully you won't take him back though and will carry life on without him. The man certainly wouldn't be a good role model for a child and you'd likely resent him for years to come for initially leaving you at this important time of your life. I'd suggest you attempt to find and join some sort of support group of others who find themselves, or previously found themselves in the same position, to help get you through this and who will be of assistance in ways to make your and the life of your child to be the best it can be without his influence, other than the financial assistance he owes you for being a participant in creating the child. I hope for your sake you at least have a supportive family to help you get through this. Good luck with your future. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:10:11 AM | | The baby was planned. We had been together for 3 years, and as far as i knew, we were going to be a family. I was wrong. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:10:23 AM | My son's father took off when I was a couple months prego because he "couldn't handle it all" and then begged me to take him back shortly before my son was born. My ex made it clear from the get-go he didn't want anymore kids and now that our daughter is 2, he's suddenly interested in being a daddy.
Men have the option of deciding when/if it suits them to be a parent and leaving it up to us the rest of the time. They don't get the stretch marks, they don't have to be on call 24/7 mommy duty. It's just so unfair.
If he waited til now to leave, you and the baby are BOTH a ton better off without him around to run out on you later on down the road. Get a lawyer, get it to court, and have it set in motion the day the baby is born. He wanted the fun of making the baby, he gets to take his share of responsibility too. Even if it's only financial.
Hang in there sweety. You're better off without him, honest. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:16:09 AM |
He said he did want children 6 months ago, and now he has changed his mind! Hes actually older than me, he is 25.
I see. Well, it's too late to turn things back. You'll have to be one strong woman/parent for your child. She's the only one that matters at this point.
I just hope he does his share to help out financially and otherwise.
Good luck! | |
|
| |
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:24:55 AM | *aggh!* Good lord! Sorry to hear OP = ( ... This is one reason why sometimes I think it might be better to just make a run to the local sperm bank if I ever want to have kids of my own!!! *save oneself the emotional drain & frustration of dealing w/ deadbeat dads*  | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:26:45 AM | My ex had a rather negative reaction when we learned that we were expecting after 3 years of marriage and suggested that I terminate my pregnancy. I was appalled that he would even think about it never mind suggest it. After I got over the first shock, I was hurt and angry that he would reject the product of our love for one another. All of this was reactionary.
A few nights later, I arranged for us to see the minister who had married us not because he had married us but because my husband really liked him and looked up to him. I didn't know what the minister would tell either of us but once we had told him what was happening, he began to talk with my husband about the fear a lot of men feel when told they are going to be fathers. Instead of alienating my husband with a lot of "shoulds" or "should nots", he offered him the support for his feelings that he needed and that I'd been too hurt to offer. Man to man, he was able to understand and offer my husband what I could not. He told him "it was okay to be scared".
He was not the most "with-it" kind of father that ever walked the earth throughout our daughter's childhood but they did eventually develop their own special kind of bond. She is now 27 years old and he (Dad) is renovating her kitchen.
I suggest you try to find someone male that your partner might look up to and arrange a meeting. It's possible that like my husband, your partner is simply frightened.
Gather your family around and try to get them to help him see that everything is going to be okay. If you can find enough support, it may help him to become more comfortable with becoming a Daddy.
Good luck to you! | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:27:28 AM | I don't think there's much you can do except soldier on and be the best mother you can. Also make sure to get court-ordered child support. It won't be nearly as much as a child really costs, but it will be enough to help considerably.
And thanks for posting this as it serves as a warning to other young women. Get married first. Marriage, then children, in that order. Unless single motherhood is what you want. If a man won't marry you, making you his next of kin, he is not serious about being a family together. If he were, he'd be eager to make you his next of kin, and himself yours. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:36:42 AM | i am sorry for you and i know that things will work out for the better for you and your child..but i have to wonder since you lived together shacking up..you didnt have any idea that he didnt want kids? i mean pregnancies dont just happen! I feel that sometimes us as women make things hard for ourselves, and you have...it takes two to tango, but we WOMEN are the gatekeepers and if you knew in your heart he didnt want kids then you have to protect yourself w/bc..no ONE is going to do that for you. It seems that you were living together, and you maybe wanted a family life that he didnt..not being married is one clue, this shouldnt have been a surprise. i just want you t o know that eventhough things didnt go as planned you have to believe a man when he says he dont want children, but since you are choosing to bring this child into the world its a great blessing to be a mom and i wish you the best.
I dont think i could fathom bringing a child into the world that the father didnt want. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:44:07 AM | This isnt going to go ever well with the forum crowd..
I recommend you give the baby up for adoption. A CLOSED adoption.
It's the ultimate act of love for this child in your situation
There are a zillion reasons to do this
You're 20
You're scared
You NEVER WANTED TO BE A SINGLE MUM
HE never wanted to be a parent, or certainly not with you.
You're only 20 but wrongly believed you were old enough and mature enough to move out of your parents home and start a life.
Your life-partner picking skills were obviously way off base.
Your communication skills were also offbase in not having a CLUE how he felt
That's just for starters
Give this baby a chance with a loving TWO-PARENT home. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:52:41 AM | Shame on you for starting a family without a husband...and yes you did plan on being a single mum...when you had unpretected sex with him....as far as i see..if a women doesnt want to get knocked up...she does everything in her power to prevent it...it looks like you tried to trap this guy by doing so....and it worked !! Oh..and great parenting skills to start...with bringing an illegitimate child into the world....nice work !!  | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:56:03 AM | | it sounds to me like he may have cold feet. its a really scarey time for some men when the baby becomes real. usually when a women starts to show and the baby starts moving. this is also a time when the mom starts to become baby focused. he can feel a little left out. leaving the mother would be unusual. its an immature, irresponsible and hurtful thing to do. im sorry. he may come around when he holds the baby. its also possible that hes lying and has met someone else. | |
|
| |
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:15:14 AM | Ok lets start with this;
Get yourself a good lawyer, find out what your rights are and those of your baby, and haul his ass into court and ensure he's financially responsible for a baby he helped make. Don't let him get away with not paying up!!! Soak him!
If he didn't want children, he should have not had sex to begin with.
Why would you want back an irresponsible idiot like him?
Bitter much?? Soak him??? You presume you know anything about this situation, and then you write crap like the above? I think you need to see someone about your issues young lady, this kind of attitude is toxic and assumptive at best. Men best be wary of this one...
Without knowing anything much about this whole situation it is hard to offer any decent advice. We could assume until the cows come home, but my money would be on there being a lot more to the story than we know. This guy could be having major cold feet and is scared out of his wits. I hope that he "mans up" and accepts his responsibility and role in this situation.
As for the "soak him", "make him pay" thing, I do agree that he has responsibilities he will have to meet, and hopefully the two of you can come to an agreement about this. I would suggest some "family planning and counseling" right away. It seems he is reacting, and obviously not all that well. Look to others for support and assistance, but steer clear of threatening and forcing him.
Sadly, I think this whole thing speaks to why people shouldn't have children so young. I think 20 is still a child in so many ways and we can't have children raising children.
Just my thoughts. I do wish you success in this and I know you are about to grow up in many ways... and fast. I pray the boy does too. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:15:35 AM | | Sorry, I'm in the group that says he can't just up and walk out. Too bad if he's feeling "overwhelmed", he at the very least has an obligation to the child. Get an attorney (barrister?) that specializes in this sort of thing. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:16:35 AM |
Don't worry, OP. Some people's reading comprehension skills on these forums suck big time.
Ain't that the truth, Chameleonf? Nowhere in the OP's original or subsequent posts did she indicate that Mr. Wonderful DIDN'T want this baby. She said it was planned and her boyfriend has been supportive since day #1, so insinuations about the OP trying to "trap" this little weasel with a pregnancy don't quite cut it.
While I agree (as I'm ancient and from a different generation) that I would have never agreed to have a baby with anyone out of wedlock, what's done is done.
OP, you're only 20 - a baby yourself. You also chose to have a baby with a man-child whose now left you holding the bag. What a prince.
As the others have said, be sure to get to an attorney to find out what your rights are with regard to Mr. Man-Child's responsibility toward the baby he CREATED and SUPPORTED for 6 months - before bailing like the spoiled little panty-waist he IS. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:18:37 AM |
This isn't going to go ever well with the forum crowd..
I recommend you give the baby up for adoption. A CLOSED adoption.
AAMOF I tend to agree that adoption's a good idea. But I imagine the OP is aware of this option, and I'm thinking it's a no-go since she says she wants the baby. | |
|
| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:23:57 AM | Snot, LOL, some of us don't believe that it is acceptable for fathers not to take financial responsibility for the children they helped create and just walk away and wash their hands of the situation. Clearly some believe it is acceptable. How sad. And I'm the one with issues? You guys always stick together huh?  | |
|
Home
login 
