| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:04:50 AM | This is my second Xmas since our split. Last year we each bought the kids a gift, and split the cost of Santa gifts 50/50. We agreed to do the same this year, and I suggested $100 each per child for $200 total per kid (we have 3 kids) and my ex agreed. We chatted about a few ideas for our son, and I told him to let me know if he thought of anything for our daughters.
Two weeks later, I send him an email to let him know where I'm at with the gifts. I've purchased a bit more than half of them, and told him he could pay me the $300 whenever he'd like, but sooner is better as I'd like to finish shopping by end of Nov. He responds with a nasty email asking me where I got the $100 each figure, as he thought we were splitting $100 each, and asked me why I was buying things without checking with him first. Then he told me he can only afford $50 per child. (this is not true. He pays $275 a month LESS than our mandated child support so he has money to do stuff with the kids. I could request it from him at any time, but choose not to so he's a bit more comfortable.) He just proposed to his girlfriend (whom I adore!) bought her a ring and put a deposit on a venue for a big wedding next October. I'm sorry if I don't feel bad for him that he doesn't have $300 to spend on Xmas gifts for the kids!
I'm not sure what to do, whether we will do separate Santa gifts or not. Santa is very important in our family and traditions, and does the majority of the gift giving, so it isn't an option to cheap out on Santa this year and give more from me.
How do you deal with these matters with your ex? Do you have any suggestions of how I should proceed? Thanks!
(part of me thinks I should just suck it up and pay for 75% of the Santa gifts, since neither of us will get the credit for giving them, and in the end, the kids are getting the presents and will be happy. It just irks me that he wants to cheap out on Xmas, of all things!) | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:10:50 AM | | Well... being my normal bytchy self. I would tell the children that Santa has a special surprise for them this year... that he'll visit both mommy's and daddy's house and they can open the gifts from Santa at each home respectively. Then tell your ex that he's responsible for Santa's gifts at his place and you'll take care of it at your place. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:22:28 AM |
Well... being my normal bytchy self. I would tell the children that Santa has a special surprise for them this year... that he'll visit both mommy's and daddy's house and they can open the gifts from Santa at each home respectively. Then tell your ex that he's responsible for Santa's gifts at his place and you'll take care of it at your place.
That's priceless, but effective.. but also stirs the pot. If Santa is special (that fat guy hasn't brought me crap for years!) then you may have to suck it up, and splurge. The other thing is to wean Santa down to a key present and the rest from you. Xmas is all about the kids.. (even if the ex's being a**** | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:26:46 AM |
but also stirs the pot. It actually ends the stirring of the pot by removing all room for discussion.
Presenting him with a fait accompli might have him upset, but it solves the issue of who will do what and getting him to pony up for half.
Stirring the pot would be to demand the remainder of the child support that is court ordered... though I will say that I'd probably do that as well. I personally wouldn't have reduced the court ordered amount to begin with... | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:49:53 AM | What we do is whoever has custody Christmas morning is Santa for the year. It of course means that some years Santa is better to her than other years but I don't really think she remembers from one year to the next.
Doing what you are doing caused nothing but headaches......we have total separation now in terms of what we each provide for our child while she is in our custody. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:54:09 AM | First of all, I do not feel you are in any position to know what your ex can or cannot afford nor how his money is spent.
I appears the two of you may be the victims of a miscommunication. You may believe you clearly stated and the two of you firmly agreed on each of you spending $100 on each child, but what he heard was between the 2 of you you would spend $100 on each child. The simple solution to avoiding such problems in the future is to no collabortate on gifts. If there is a specific gift you know a child wants which is beyond your means, THEN consult with each other to see if between the two of you you can make it happen. Otherwise, don't borrow trouble.
You can either afford to give the gift or you can't. Don't put it on someone else. Don't spoil your children to expect more than you can provide. There are better and more important experiences/lessons to be taken from Christimas than some non-existent guy bringing kids lots of crap they don't need. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:12:19 AM | I suggest that you put the whole thought of right and fairness out of your mind. If it is important to have a percentage of gifts from Santa, that is what is important, because you wouldn't get "credit" for them from the kids, right? You get them what you want to get them and take what he gives you and don't waste your time or tarnish the season by allowing yourself to get aggravated by it.
He's marrying a great gal, you seem to have a good co-parenting relationship and just be happy that you only get a taste of him snapping at you when he is obviously perturbed by other things.
In the grand scheme of things, this isn't a big deal.
Also would suggest that for successive years, you just do your santa thing and let him do his. In addition to the money he seems upset not to have been involved in the shopping so erase the problem from the future by doing it yourself, period.
P.S. Yes he is being a douche but he's not a douche you have to deal with daily, and that's the part to focus on. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:46:35 AM | Thanks for all the replies. The misunderstanding about money was completely his error...the budget discussed via email, so it's there in black and white. He either didn't read it properly, or has now changed his mind on what to spend.
We don't share custody of holidays, we spend them together, so Christmas morning will be the three kids, me, my ex and his new fiance. I have feelings about being like a third wheel in this new family, but I'm keeping my thoughts to myself and plan to have a good day.
I think I am just going to suck it up, buy the gifts that I want to buy for the kids and give them from Santa. We have always behaved as if the divorce has nothing to do with the kids, and I think Christmas is no different. Eventually we will probably do separate Christmas and gifts, but as this is only our second Xmas apart, we are doing what we think is best.
As for whether or not I know how much money he has, I do. I know exactly how much money he makes and what his expenses are. Since he is very house poor and bought at the height of the market with a high mortgage, I lower the child support payments by almost $300 each month so that he has some extra to have fun with the kids on weekends. He makes enough money that coming up with $300 in the next two months would not be a hardship for him, he is choosing not to spend as much on Christmas gifts. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:08:29 AM |
As for whether or not I know how much money he has, I do. I know exactly how much money he makes and what his expenses are. Since he is very house poor and bought at the height of the market with a high mortgage, I lower the child support payments by almost $300 each month so that he has some extra to have fun with the kids on weekends. He makes enough money that coming up with $300 in the next two months would not be a hardship for him, he is choosing not to spend as much on Christmas gifts.
As he is free to do. Just because you know all these things doesn't make them your business/concern. Just because you keep your thoughts to yourself and don't ruin everyone elses' and your day by belaboring the issue doesn't mean it ain't gonna eat away at you unless you let it go. In the big picture of things, this just isn't something rent space to in the ol' brain.
Personally, I thought the child support my ex should pay based on the statutory formula was ridiculously high so we negotiated what we felt was a fair amount which also happened to be about $300 less. That still didn't entitle me to dictate to or pass judgement on him regarding how he choses to handle his finances.
Yeah... you had traditions and a way of doing things... together... in the past. Those days are gone. Eventually you will develop new ones... apart. My ex's birthday is ON Christmas. Therefore, the girls have spent the majority of Christmas Day with him. As the years have passed, that time has increased until sometimes I don't even see them on Christmas. The world ain't stopped turning yet. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:16:31 AM | ^^^^^^
Of course he is free to spend whatever he wants, which is why we talked about and agreed upon a budget (in writing!) before I started Christmas shopping. To backtrack after I have purchased most of the gifts based on our agreed upon budget is what is pissing me off this morning.
I have learned my lesson. If I am ever to buy anything jointly with him, I will get the money first before purchasing.
I also know I have very little to complain about. He takes the kids when he says he will, and always pays child support on time, and does help me out here and there, which is all great.
Thanks for your input. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:19:53 PM | Honestly... I don't have much personal experience with this.
After my parent's divorce, though, we didn't talk to or want to talk to my mother. We would've just been better off for her to leave us alone completely. The first few years after the divorce, she would give us CHEAP gifts - and would send five dollars or so on SOME birthdays. Sometime she wouldn't send us anything... not even cards. It all kinda hurt. *shrug* but this is totally different, I guess.
Having BOTH of you being Santa- you at your house and him at his SEEMS like a great solution. But the more thought you put into it... I think you can see it's not so great. What if he still doesn't get them anything? Then mommy would be a liar(in the children's perspective) if Santa doesn't give them anything at their dad's house. What if he doesn't give them as much Santa wise as you do? Well, why would Santa do that? Does Santa not give some children as much as others? Why is Santa like that? These are possible questions that could bring up. And then you'd have to work out how you're going to work that out- what time you're going to take them over to his house or is he going to come pick them up. And if Mommy Santa brings a better toys and they have to go over to see what Daddy Santa brings- they'll want to go back to play with the other toys or they'll just miss out. That could get messy. I just think it's too risky. I'm sure it could work for some people... but I wouldn't suggest trying it out.
I think you should've had the money first before shopping to begin with. But we all make mistakes and you've learned that. =) If you still have what you agreed on in writing I would just show it to him to remind him. You don't have to force him to keep his word... but just bring it up and show him.
I'd say hope he gives you what he really can afford - and perhaps what you agreed on- but don't count on it. Buy what you can afford and don't worry about it.
Also - This is my son's second Christmas. Last christmas was great- but he was three days away from being one- so he didn't understand it and it overwhelmed him. I expect this year to be much better. I'm usually very frugal and that's something I'm going to have to work hard on as a mother. I want to get my son EVERYTHING- and I just can't afford that. And I have no one to split the cost with. I've already spent $750 on his Christmas and Birthday presents so far(I think and HOPE I'm done!) AND he's not even two yet! Are gifts just this expensive or am I just buying too much or the wrong things? lol. But I did buy him a children's table and chair set for his birthday. That(and a few other things) will be useful for a while, I think. This isn't relevant, sorry. lol. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:52:01 PM | In your first few sentences you state: $100 each per child that sounds like each child is getting $100. If the guy is getting married again soon maybe he was not focusing completely on the conversation.
The other thing is if he is paying half shouldn't he get some say in the shopping/buying?How old are the kids, do they know Santa isn't real yet?
Since I split with the father of my kids, my parents and I have done all of the Santa Stuff pretty much. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:10:03 PM | I think the same theory applies here as with "never loan money to friends"... Technically by buying before getting the money you "lent" him the money. As you said, get the money then buy... lol
If your ex feels he cant afford the money already agreed upon then take the 50 per child and count that towards Santa and tell him he is on his own to buy presents from Daddy. Plus if he is engaged chances are he wants his gift to be from him and her, and at that point its not your problem.
Christmas is HUGE in my family. We start Christmas things the first weekend in November. Presents are piled high, theres food everywhere, decorations light up every corner. Until the past year having my daughter I never realized how much it all cost. I plan on carrying through the traditions and I started saving and shopping specifically for Christmas in June. I would have started earlier if it wasnt for the fact that I didnt know how fast she would grow or develop skills.
Being as its just me, its on me to be Mummy and Santa. I figure if I want the traditions, I better be ready to pay for them. IF I get extra money or IF my mum offers to buy some Santa stuff its a bonus. I'd probably take the same attitude if I was you, buy what you can and if he contributes, great, but only for Santa. He is a grown man, he can buy his own presents for his kids.
All that aside... Im kind of in awe of your relationship with your ex and his fiancee. I think its amazing that you can be together as a family for special occasions and that you speak so highly of his fiancee. Good for you!!! Its takes some balls and a lot of heart to do that.  | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:10:14 PM | Another thing about doing Santa at both your houses-what if he decides the kids are ready to know Santa isn't real before you do? Then the kids would be confused, because they'd be getting presents from Santa at your place and no presents from Santa at his place.
I never really believed in Santa myself. Just never seemed believable to me. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:37:05 PM | | I've never taught my four-year-old to believe in Santa. I just say that some people do believe, and some people don't, like God. Mary Baker Eddy taught that you shouldn't teach children to believe in Santa because it's lying. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:43:35 PM | Msg #18 : Childhood is the one chance we get to believe in a little bit of magic, like Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, whatever. We all went through this and NONE OF US thinks our parents 'lied'.
Let your children have a bit of the magic, eh? Please. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:49:07 PM |
I've never taught my four-year-old to believe in Santa. I just say that some people do believe, and some people don't, like God. Mary Baker Eddy taught that you shouldn't teach children to believe in Santa because it's lying.
I believe in the spirit of Santa, even to this day. I think Santa is just the spirit of giving and magic and whimsy. Santa's helpers dress up and help spread the spirit and us parents give gifts to make it something young children can understand.
Plus Santa was real http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=38
To each their own though | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:49:41 PM | Teaching children that people don't lie is lying.
Also... not really. Santa is very real. Saint Nicholas was real. The spirit of Santa is real. A man really does wear red suits, say ho ho ho and bring children toys. In fact, many men do. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:00:52 PM | ahhh, seems SO complicated!!
Just buy the gifts you want for the kids from Santa and if he pays you back, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't. The most important thing is seeing the joy on the kiddos faces, imho.
My ex and I celebrate Christmas seperately, so this might not ever work for you but in our situation, Santa comes to both houses. If I am buying something big or expensive, I give my ex a heads up so he does not duplicate, etc. Our daughter has ended up with the same gift from both of us and she just laughs and says Santa must have forgot... | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:09:49 PM | | I don't teach my son that people don't lie. I just avoid lying to him. I also tell him that Christmas isn't Jesus' birthday. Yeah, I know that centuries ago, there was a Turkish guy who gave presents. But no one talks about St. Nicholas anymore, which is a shame. It's all about Santa and marketing. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:15:52 PM | | I know how you feel about carrying on the chirstmas tradition of getting your kids some special gifts for christmas. I too have an ex-husband and we have been divorced for about 7 years. He has yet to purchase his only child a christmas gift. I myself do not worry about what he spends on her for christmas, nor what he don't spend. I just purchase the gifts for my daughter and lable them from me. I feel it is less headach and hassel. | |
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