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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:33:59 AM | Ok, so here's my story:
This good friend of mine, we'd been sleeping together as friends with benefits. I had once wanted more, but had contented myself with just having a decent lover for the time being. I'm not really the relationship type most of the time because I shy away from getting hurt emotionally. He wasn't ever very affectionate or anything, which I had told him would make it better for me, but he wasn't into that. Anyways, he invited me over on Thanksgiving, even though I knew he had another girl over and I said no, I just didn't want to see him with her. He wanted me to come over to meet one of his cousins, he said, oh he's cute and tall and I think you'd get along, or something to that sort. After bothering me for an hour to come, the movie I was watching finished, and I was going to go to bed, but I decided to go over there. He was in his room with that girl he brought over, which was reason enough for me to turn around and leave, but the two cousins, one of them I'd met before, were nice and we started a fire and got chatting. Despite being distracted by the fact my lover was with someone else, I ended up hitting it off with the cute, tall cousin... we'll call him John.
When my friend finally emerged with his girl, we had a good chat sitting around the fire and stuff, until he started being affectionate towards her right in front of me. I quickly explained that I was bored and wanted to go home, to the cousin I had kinda started to like... and left. The next day, I was kind of upset and considered not continuing the friendship, because that was just unnecessarily hurtful. He had been pretty drunk and because we weren't in a relationship, and he'd been a really good friend, and I've known him for so long, I forgave him. But I didn't intend to ever do the f with benefits thing anymore with him.
So another night when I went over there cuz he was watching my dog, John was there again. And we hit it off again. By the end of the night he had kissed me... and it was a GOOD kiss. The next day, I told my friend that he should give me John's number or give John mine. And he did, telling me not to "jump ship", whatever that means.
Long story short, we met up... and hooked up... and it was really good. So we did it again. When my friend found out, he was pissed. I wrote him a long letter explaining myself and my feelings about it. He wrote me back and indicated that he was ok with it. Yesterday though, we talked again and he said he's not ok with it. And if I want a lover, I can come back to him. Problem is, now I like John. We get along really good, chemistry is awesome. And neither of us really want to betray my friend. But we can't deny that we made a connection.
I think that by introducing us, giving me John's number, and being a****on Thanksgiving, that he should just let it go. He's being petty and jealous, and John suggested we keep it secret... but I don't know... | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:38:41 AM | What a convoluted mess. You weren't happy with the fwb and had developed feelings for him or you wouldn't call him your lover or have been at all bothered by him boinking someone else. He doesn't care about you but now chooses to be territorial when he didn't want to lay any claim to it before because he sees his booty call drying up.
You have met a nice man and are getting on well but you are considering remaining with the petulant child who will treat you every bit as poorly as he did before once you don't have anyone else to be with.
This is a no brainer, hang onto John and relegate lover boy to friends only status, period. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:42:33 AM | For one i wouldnt keep it secret, but he doesnt need to know your comings and goings, you were only fwbs anyhow.
Id be a bit dubious about his cousin unless you want to go into another fwb thing again, which sounds like you probably wouldnt mind as your not really the relationship type.
If its just FWB then go ahead, but if your expecting more i think your wasting your time. Its his cousin, they have probably talked, the cousin knows your up for it, and your just swapping one FWB for another, and the same thing will probably happen again, ie the cousin will find another FWB and youll be upset again.
As for the origianl FWB he just wants his cake and eat it. no feelings are involved. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:44:42 AM | Tell him to suck it up. There's no betrayal here. You're seeing the guy he suggested you might like to be seeing!
But keep an eye on "John," too - the suggestion of keeping it a secret means he's okay with keeping it a secret. Doesn't bode well unless sex is all you want with him.
Editing to add, I took a gander at your profile, and holy Toledo you are beautiful! Why is a girl who looks like that putting up with any of this crap? You can find better just by walking a couple of blocks and smiling at people. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:45:41 AM |
I think that by introducing us, giving me John's number, and being a****on Thanksgiving, that he should just let it go. He's being petty and jealous
Yup.
Now go spend your time with John away from the original FWB, not as a group with him. He'll get over it by going off with the girl he was with on Thanksgiving. You don't need to keep it a secret...you were only friends with him, remember? Neither of you are betraying the friend. He made it clear you were a free agent when he tried to hook you up with his cousin and by doing the nasty almost in plain sight with his other "friend". Gotta shake my head at him thinking he can even begin to think he has the right to tell you who you can and can't have as a lover. A lesson for you...no more FWB!! | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:47:39 AM | look-he may have been an a$$hole-but u knowingly went into the situation...so u being pissed is on u...as for the cousin thing...if he seems likes a good guy-try it out...but don't be surprised if he's gets upset when he finds out u were boinking his cousin.....keeping secrets never helps in the long run
here's an idea -why don't u all try and be grown ups and deal with this like mature adults? | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:50:27 AM |
This is a no brainer
True. I've yet to see an alien or a ghost to feel strange. Life is so simple yet people makes it complicated. My question, OP is: What do you want? If you know what you want then you know what to do.
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:10:08 AM | John the cousin was horny.
Your FWB said you'd be willing to do him (and you were)
FWB was already getting some elsewhere so he didn't mind handing off his leftovers.
He pretended to care due to his immature ego.
John wants to keep it a secret because he thinks you're skanky and doesn't want anyone to know he had to stoop so low for sex . | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:29:09 AM | Yes, this is a messed up situation. Lots of problems.
Here are a few points/problems:
- You can't have a worthwhile relationship with John, because you are always going to get drama from the freind... he is a family member, a cousin, and will always be around... can't get away from him. Don't poop where you eat.
- You can't get back together with the "freind"... You cheated on him, so there is resentment there that will forever tarnish that relationship, whether you remain friends or lovers. Plus, it was only a half-baked relationship anyway, that's reason enough to leave it. Finally, it sounds like he has been cheating on you with another girl. You have problems stacked on top of problems here.
- What you need to do, and I know you don't want to hear this, is get a real, new boyfriend, and move on from John and the friend. What will happen is, when you fall in love with someone new, all this will seem like a distant memory. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:29:51 AM | | I got the same feeling landra did. Think better of yourself and get out of this whole mess, treat yourself with some dignity and learn self-respect. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:36:27 AM |
Long story short 
I wrote him a long letter explaining myself Nooo ... surely, you keed! 
Can you repeat the question? 
P.S. Luckily, you are young enough to polish off the rest of the single guys that populate your town! | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:38:01 AM | | Thanks for the responses. My friend is really close to me, I'll continue to talk to him though I would never go back to him for sex or anything. I know you might not believe me, but I don't really want a "boyfriend". I want someone to fufill my physical needs, who is someone I can get along with. I don't sleep around, but I also don't want to get tied down because I have a lot of things I want to do with my life and if someone happens to be along for the ride, that's cool. I just don't easily get dependant on someone and in my experience, that's what a boyfriend wants/needs. I'm not a jealous person, I didn't care that my friend was sleeping with other people, it was more that he would put me in a really uncomfortable situation when I told him I didn't want to come over. I really just wish he would let me go and be happy with whoever I want | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:42:13 AM | | I've changed my mind. I have a better idea. Get a really expensive dildo - that should be emotionally detached enough for you. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:48:20 AM | What a mess you've made for yourself. I suppose it never occurred to you that he told his cousin you were a good lay and offered to share eh?
My advice is to avoid FWB relationships going forward...they rarely work and someone ends up feeling hurt or at minimum uncomfortable. Get some counselling for your "intimacy" issues.
If you don't think John knows about the "arrangement" with his cousin, perhaps you should fess up now......give him the chance to decide for himself if he wants to go there with you knowing you were sleeping with his cousin.
If I were John and I didn't know and found out later, I would feel really angry that you both had lied to me (an omission is a lie). | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:51:11 AM | | Your first post about him not being affectionate with you but he is with other women and you not liking that and you then having sex with his cousin (really???) and then both of you having problems with that....all that stuff goes against your last post where you are just looking for casual sex, no strings and the FWB is your friend and you arent going to stop being friends, etc. I think you feel a lot more than you think or you are totally confused about what a FWB is. Anyway, having casual sex is your choice, but make sure you can handle it because it means no strings. Next time find someone who's more respectful, and like I said, learn to have more respect for yourself. Just because sex is casual doesn't mean you have to be in the middle of a Jerry Springer soap opera. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:59:57 AM | I want someone to fufill my physical needs, who is someone I can get along with. I don't sleep around, but I also don't want to get tied down because I have a lot of things I want to do with my life and if someone happens to be along for the ride, that's cool.
sweetie... that is a boyfriend... well that and that he will encourage you grow towards your goals.... the same as you would for him.
anything else is just a f**k.
as for your question... if it just a itch you want this to scratch... then when your not using him... does it matter if he is a secret or not.
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I know you might not believe me, but I don't really want a "boyfriend".
I also don't want to get tied down because I have a lot of things I want to do with my life
I really just wish he would let me go and be happy with whoever I want
now you have me singing a childrens song..... one of things don't go together. one of these things don't belong | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:05:51 AM | John knows I was sleeping with the cousin before.
To me, being in a relationship is like trying out for marriage. I don’t believe in marriage. Feel free to try and prove me wrong. I want to have a fulfilling life without relying on someone else to make me happy. If someone came along who fits into my life, who is fun, compassionate and a good lover, I would care about him. I’m not against love. But I don’t have any delusions that it will last a long time. People come and go out of your life. I would tell him the truth. I plan to move to Africa, I don’t plan on coming back. When I’m able to go, I don’t want anyone begging me to stay. There will be enough people begging me to stay. If he wanted to come with me, he’d be more than welcome, but what is he going to do out there. There will be no money, I plan to dedicate what portion of my life that I can, to trying to make a difference. NGO’s, refugee camps, UN, WFO... etc. I’m preparing myself for what I want to do out there right now. I like men who have a lot of ambition, who know they want to do something big with their lives. I would never ask someone to give up a huge part of their life to stay with me. I don’t want to get into a long distance thing, cuz I don’t plan on coming back. I’m fussy about my lovers, I don’t want to sleep around with random people but I have a high libido. My solution, friends with benefits. A good friend, open honest communication. If he finds someone, I wish him all the best. If that ends, I’ll be here, but I don’t usually take more than one lover at a time. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:26:29 AM | I'm beginning to understand now why such a beautiful girl is limited to such crap interpersonally. When that's what's inside, that's what you can get.
Young woman, you are full of it. You were so eaten up with jealousy you had to leave, but you don't want a boyfriend. You want to dedicate your life to romantic poverty (you will find, if you do try it, that this is an oxymoron), but you like men who have a lot of ambition and want to do something big. You slept with the first guy who came along when your FWB-with-whom-you-once-wanted-more-but-claim-you-don't-now found someone he likes better and respects more, but you're fussy about your lovers.
I don't think you're deliberately lying about any of this, I'm enumerating it so you can see for yourself how silly it looks. I think you are deeply self-deluded and confused and need a lot more help than anyone here can offer.
You might be able to get this guy to leave you alone - and you should, genuine friends don't pimp you out - but you're not going to get away from the person who created this from the start, because that's you. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:38:02 AM | Well, you are young, it's natural at your age to not want to get too serious... many people feel the same way at your age. Your views will probably change later, but this is now, I understand.
However, there are still some major components to all relationships... namely, mutual trust and respect... if both people don't have the right amounts of those things, the relationship is going to erode, no matter how casual you think the relationship is, or how you want it to be.
On the outer fringes of happy relationships, there are couples who simply enjoy some conversation, sex, and a movie on a saturday night... at it's core, a healthy relationship is mainly just a series of continuing dates. But again, you need trust and respect. "Open" or cheating relationships rarely work... which is what brought you here with this question. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:44:23 AM | For someone who doesn't want all the relationship "drama" of pleading, jealousy, etc. ... you sure seem to bring it!!  | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:09:18 PM | I don't understand why it's STILL important to you how he acts or feels when you REALLY decided to let it go.
You still have some feelings for him? You'd better examine that part first.
When you are physically close to someone, your feelings can develope into something more naturally It happens. There's nothing to hide or be ashamed of it even when your partner doesn't feel the same way. If you think you have a chance to develope into something what you want with him, be honest and talk to him about it once again.
If you don't wanna be more than friends with him, just move on with someone you like. His actions won't affect you any more when you are firmly decided.
Life is all about your decisions you make. Don't use someone as an excuse not to make an important decision in your life. | |
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| Situation, a little strange I know
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:34:22 PM |
I know you might not believe me, but I don't really want a "boyfriend". I want someone to fufill my physical needs, who is someone I can get along with. I don't sleep around, but I also don't want to get tied down because I have a lot of things I want to do with my life and if someone happens to be along for the ride, that's cool. I just don't easily get dependant on someone and in my experience, that's what a boyfriend wants/needs. I'm not a jealous person, I didn't care that my friend was sleeping with other people, it was more that he would put me in a really uncomfortable situation when I told him I didn't want to come over.
No I don't believe you. Whether you wish to acknowledge it or not, you developed feelings for the fwb otherwise you wouldn't have been bothered by him "flaunting" the woman in front of you and no one held a gun to your head so it was your choice to go when you knew it would make you uncomfortable.
You may not want a boyfriend but you seem more hardwired toward a monogamous relationship so why can't you find someone that wants to go along for the ride, maybe John is that person.
I think you can continue to pursue meaningless sex, which is what you say you want even though you want to do so in a monogamous way but you aren't going to be happy because you don't seem capable of having a sexual relationship and not allowing feelings to form.
And no, a boyfriend does not want someone dependent but does want someone to share his life with. Maybe you should quit assuming that you know what people want and get to know them and ask them, which is infinitely better for everyone involved than being a serial monogamous dater. | |
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