| What does it mean to "fall in love?"
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:36:10 PM | I'm currently reading The Five Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman and in the first chapter he talks about people who fall in love yet that stage of a relationship normally lasts only about two years. A lot of times, after that period, the deadness starts to set in and many couples don't stay together when the "in love" feelings fade.
Chapman says that "falling in love" gives a false sense of having arrived. We then ignore even major warning signs about our partner because we have the feeling that this person is perfect.
What does it mean to you to "fall in love?" Have you ever fallen in love only to fall out of love later in the relationship when you started noticing your partner's imperfections? What did you learn in the process? | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:16:43 PM | Love is when you have tears in your eyes. Love is when you ache for your partner. Love is when all you can think of is your partner. Love is when nothing else matters except your partner and you. BUT, hate starts when your partner says they fell out of love for you. Imperfections?? I think we all have imperfections whether we think so or not. Either you have to live with it or thats the end of that.
What did I learn from this : Don't get too comfortable in a relationship !!!! | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:20:23 PM | | I think it means a person is ready to embrace the idea of allowing themself to find love and to have someone return the love. The idea that we have found someone is a very special feeling. Of course what we want and what we find may be two separate situations. | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:24:34 PM | Falling in love is so delicious, it's that special chemistry, you see the world through your partner's eyes, his touch is electric, his kiss is magic... Sometimes it doesnt happen right away......sometimes it grows... You would do anything for the one u love, even if it means letting him go... It's unconditional....
Falling out of love happens, IMO, when u grow beyond each other, when u both don't care to keep the spark alive, when u cannot "walk the same road." Sometimes there's obstacles that cannot be overcome..... Sometimes u find out, u weren't really "meant to be..." | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:27:44 PM | | First, like the rest of the human race Mr. Chapman is entitled to his opinion and while his book is popular I have to look a little deeper about what falling in love fully entails, and I don't think love is a singly definable so its global meaning cannot be so readily described in the vein of in and out. So that is what I have learned about love or if you will charity. | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:25:46 PM | Falling in love is easy. Falling in 'true love' is a blessing if you find it. I think falling in love is like a flood of emotions pounching on you. You go through the lust stages and when it calms you are still with the person. Overtime you start to miss that high or feelings of pleasure that the neurotransmitter dopamine exerts. Your crazy actions lessen and BANG. It's like you just awoke from a dream only you are not dreaming. Once you see that you are really in this relationship you want to end it because there is no more excitement involved or hits to your favorite pleasure spots.
When you still love that person regardless of the wrongs. No longer caught in keeping track of who did what and when.The two of you both accept each other and all of your differences and do not try and change the other person. This is true love. When you argue, but the fights end. When the love is so strong and alive and everyone notices because the spotlight is always shinning. This is the real deal. When nothing, I mean nothing can tear you apart. Distance and time still have you close by the bond shared.
When you are gone away on a business trip, yet you still pause from the crew to make that telly call to say you care; for,without hearing from your lover you would feel bare 
No,I have never fallen out love, but I have ended relationships because it was not:
'true love'.
I have learned from my experience that the real deal has never came my way until recently. I met someone who wanted me to put my needs above his own. Although we are apart, we keep in close contact via emails and telly. He did not want me to go, but knew I had things that needed to be done. Our time apart has only helped us two to grow closer and love more. When it is true, the love withstands anything....
I would not stay in an abusive relationship because it is true love. However, I can understand how people get caught in this trap and do not want to leave. If you are in 'true love' all the good erases the bad. The hurt rubs of with soap and water. | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:30:20 PM | Here's a story for you. Back around 2005, I was involved with a guy who lived a distance away. We emailed back and forth for a time, and things looked promising. I flew to another city to meet him. It was a wonderful meeting! I felt as though this guy was the one. When I got back to my hotel room (he just dropped me off there), I had such a feeling of euphoria that I will never forget. Actually, I have never felt euphoria quite like that at any other time in my life. (Oh, to have the feeling all the time!) But in a matter of a month or so, he emailed me with some unforgettable words. "I don't know what you expect out of this, but I have met a wonderful woman." Of course, this just about killed me.
At any rate, ever since that time, I have wondered what in the world that euphoria was all about. Perhaps after many years in an abusive relationship, I was so starved for something positive that I had a high level of endorphins (or is it dopamine) backed up in my system just waiting for the flood gates to be opened. When I met someone good, they let loose and nearly sent me flying!
Gary Chapman's description of the reason for the euphoria was the answer for me. That wasn't love. It was the feeling I had of finally arriving at the destination I had sought all my life, which was that I had found "the one."
I'm beginning to question whether all of the things we do when we have "fallen in love" are actually relevant to love itself. We actually are a mess when we are in love. Can't think about anything else. Can't focus. Can't sleep. And all you want to do is be with that person. And most dangerous is the fact that we are totally irrational when we are "in love" and cannot see the faults of the other person.
And maybe we are just craving that level of euphoria. Wow, I'd love to experience that again, but I can't seek that. I must seek the meaning of true love.
It's funny that when I went into the library today to get Gary Chapman's book, I passed the "new nonfiction" shelf and sitting right out there all by itself was Chapman's other book, "Love is a Verb." I picked that one up, too, and will read it next. I love those kind of synchronicities! | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:32:11 PM | As avision said ... all of us may have our own interpretations of what falling in love may be ...
Falling in love for me goes like this .... happens when I never expected it ...
You have a need ... some one meets it ... not right away, but in time ...
Over that time, you learn who the other person is ... you learn their
limitations and the limitations you have in the relationship ...
You notice you bring out the best in eachother ...
You are open and honest ...
You flirt a little ... you flirt alot ....
You hang on loosely, but don't let go ...
You see all of their weaknesses and care about them any how. ....
You argue with them ...
You make faces behind their backs (j/k)
A respect develops over time ....
A sense of security based on trust develops over time ....
A sense of rekindling happens over and over as you care about the person
and do not want to lose them in your life ...
Okay, so I have never really been in love???!!!! 
But, I do know one thing, that first touch ... is where all the chemisty begins!!!
From there, to the moon and back if two people have enough integrity!
Thank you for starting these, MissElaine!
Crok. | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:43:42 PM | We have had 9 replies so far with 71 views of this thread, and someone has voted to delete it because it is a "redundant subject?" Why?
C'mon!
Let's have a discussion here on something that is totally relevant to this site. Someone is deliberately deleting threads. | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:46:03 PM | Sorry for the double post ... but we must have been typing at the same time
and I did not see the part about the flood gates and the endorphins and the
cannot think, eat, sleep, etc.
... but oh, how I agree ... THAT is/was NOT love ... just some alien that came
in and took over a perfectly good woman for a short time! | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:06:30 PM | Ahhhh...to be precise ... Love is a FUTURE-TENSE Verb...Love is a commitment into the future. Too many people say it as an expression in the present but we always hear it into the future.
Keep reading...and don't try to overanalyze it yet...and for grins, take the test at the end of the book first.
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:52:16 AM | Keep reading
I didn't realize when I started the book, The Five Love Languages, just how difficult it is to keep reading. Actually, this is the most difficult book I think I have ever read. Every word in it is a sharp reminder that I have not been privy to hearing any of the love languages. The author talks about how we have a need to have our "love tanks" topped up on a regular basis, yet I see now that my love tank has been empty since childhood. I am so used to running on empty that I don't even expect anyone to fill it. I think I have accepted it.
I am being open here because in my experience with the forums, I know that when you are open and honest, it touches other peoples' hearts. And for women like me who run on empty, we can still give to others, because it comes from a higher source rather than something out of the "tank."
I'm neither complaining nor seeking sympathy here. To merely state a fact, I didn't realize until I started reading that book just how destroyed my tank really is. It's been used, abused, and in too many train wrecks to have survived, but the dilemma is that even so, something keeps me going in looking for the other half of my soul. Wish I could stop, and maybe someday I can.
Regular deposits into the love tank have to be made starting in childhood or the thing gets dry and eventually so dry that it cracks, crumbles, and disintegrates. How many men and women are actually walking around like empty shells where even if someone attempts to give love to them, there is no receptacle left to receive it?
The result is that for people like me, you are drawn to those who are "needy." Someone needs what you are able to give. Unknowingly, we step into that situation, thinking it is love, but it is only a draw toward giving into somebody's need because that is all you have and from experience, you have come to the point of never expecting to get anything back from them. Without a love tank, you act upon the instinct that giving is the only thing you can do in a relationship.
There seems to be a fork in the road for us. Either we turn one way and give up on love, or we see if there is a way to find a a replacement part. Does God provides new love tanks? I'm sure he probably does, but the installation is really going to hurt! My mind says let's take the path marked "give up." Yet there is a little glimmer of hope in my heart that there might be a replacement part and some way God can get it back in there. I guess it just depends upon whether I have the strength and the will to hold onto the glimmer. | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:34:34 AM | ^^^^^^There is a "replacement part" for you...I just know it....love others...the more u give, the more u will get in return, step out of your "comfort zone".....you might find the right one for you...do not give up...we all have been hurt....just know that the right one is out there for u...u just haven't met him yet... | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:41:32 AM | What happens if God gives you a replacement part and you cast it off??????
Oh the mind is a wonderful place!!!!!!!!! | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:53:50 AM | Your "love tanks" are never really destroyed until you give up.
First off, think of what love really is to you.
I sincerely doubt if love is about being placed on a pedestal and worshipped and adored BUT not having to give anything in return.
To me, the best...the richest loves that I've ever had I truly had the sense of "giving what was good and rewarding about me" coupled with my partner doing the same thing. IOW, our own happiness and joy in life allows us to fill other's love tanks while at the same time they are doing the same thing.
And yes, you are right about inadvertently seeking out needy guys. You want to share your joy and happiness, so you're pumping full time into their tank...but you're not getting it back...and MOST OFTEN, that is because either (a) the other person does not really have happiness and joy, and as such they don't have the capacity to speak with any love language...or (b) you're so busy pumping theirs full that you don't bother to check to see that they really aren't doing anything meaningful that satisfies your LL's.
And maybe it's not so much that they are needy, maybe you simply are so eager to share who you are that you don't take time to understand that they aren't...but like most of us, they're perfectly willing to accept the adoration you give them. IOW...it's incumbent upon you to feel loved...not just share love and run around telling everybody how happy you are (or should I say 'want to be')...and that is the bane of most POF relationships IMHO...too many people desperate for a love connection that they don't check their own love tank gauges.
Being in love is a 2-way thing...and romance and sex is about pleasure...not the same things.
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:59:39 PM | | Re; We are all "needy".....and "whether you have the strength and will....you mention God, so I will assume you believe in God...why not take this up with God and pray for the strength and the will. | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:37:35 PM |
And yes, you are right about inadvertently seeking out needy guys. You want to share your joy and happiness, so you're pumping full time into their tank...but you're not getting it back...and MOST OFTEN, that is because either (a) the other person does not really have happiness and joy, and as such they don't have the capacity to speak with any love language...or (b) you're so busy pumping theirs full that you don't bother to check to see that they really aren't doing anything meaningful that satisfies your LL's.
And maybe it's not so much that they are needy, maybe you simply are so eager to share who you are that you don't take time to understand that they aren't...but like most of us, they're perfectly willing to accept the adoration you give them. IOW...it's incumbent upon you to feel loved...not just share love and run around telling everybody how happy you are (or should I say 'want to be')...and that is the bane of most POF relationships IMHO...too many people desperate for a love connection that they don't check their own love tank gauges.
Being in love is a 2-way thing...and romance and sex is about pleasure...not the same things.
Well put, Jdub!  | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:18:39 PM | I just finished reading "The Five Love Languages" and I have to say it is very helpful even though at times I cried and other times I wanted to throw it up against a wall. It would seem that everyone in my life so far has been hell bent on emptying my love tank rather than filling it.
I'm working on trying to figure out what love language I speak which is no easy task. Dr. Chapman says in the book that when you've been empty for so long, it is hard to determine that. Also I can't take the test in the back of the book because what would I base it on? It pretty much requires you to be in a relationship now or having had a functional one.
One thing I wonder, however. Do pets figure into filling a person's love tank? A dog or a cat gives unconditional love and undivided attention. They seek you out and make you feel special to them. You can talk to them.
It would seem to me that many who have no one to fill their tanks are getting what they can from pets. | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/7/2009 9:04:24 PM | First off, yes you can take the test...you just have to put it in the context of you and your ideal mate. Sounds like you're trying to say "Well, if I was with Bob the answer would be A and if with Joe it would be B"...ahhhhh...then NO! These are about understanding your feelings. And yes...pets are total Acts of Service and Quality Time blending. Serious pet people are IMHO a bit harder to strike up a strong relationship with...again, my experience only.
And geeeeezzzz, I can guess what one of your two primary LL's are.
And And...Told ya you'd get into it...
Take the test...and spot read it again...trust me on this. Rereading a few sections knowing what you are will give you additional insight into yourself and also people around you. You may begin to understand why some people don't warm up the same way others do.
It totally defined how I perceived my kids and I immediately corrected a major LL imbalance with my youngest son who was living with me. I realized he was a serious "Touch" type. Not being around Mom who commanded hugs from her 15 y.o. and having siblings around accounted for enough touch. When it was just he and I, he started getting really edgy, yelling, mean spirited. I started doing things like putting my hand on his shoulder while helping with homework and starting to give him greeting hugs when we we're coming/going. His moods changed back to normal almost immediately.
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/7/2009 9:39:25 PM |
And geeeeezzzz, I can guess what one of your two primary LL's are.
My dear Mr. Dub, how can you make a comment like that and just walk away without SAYING it!!! That drives me crazy when people do that. What the heck do you think my primary LL's are then? I'm thinking in terms of all of them! LOL
Yes, based on this information, I do need to adjust a LL imbalance with both of my kids. I never realized this and I wish I would have known a long time ago. Even back when they were little. Anybody with young kids reading this thread certainly would do well to get a copy of this book for the sake of their kids alone. | |
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| What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:07:26 PM | ^^^An additional note to the above. I am also reading The Five Love Languages for Singles which includes chapters on using these languages with friends and co-workers. This book seems to add a great deal to the one for married couples in the way of explanation, and I am getting more of a handle on what applies to me. In the back of this book, it has advertisements for additional Five Love Language books, one for children and one for teenagers.
I hope all of this is helpful to someone out there! | |
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