| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:14:47 PM | I'm having some trouble adjusting to a new method of thinking with my girlfriend that I'm hoping someone can shed some light on. I have been with my girlfriend for a while now, and I am convinced that I want to marry her. Obviously problems arise in every relationship. So I'm absolutely willing to make changes so this can work out. My problem is that my girlfriend is, and has been losing trust in me. She loses it when we argue or things are not going smoothly. When we have an argument, I have a bad habit of not thinking about her and only thinking about myself and my own self preservation. I will walk away when i shouldn't or I don't resolve the issue right away. So pretty much when things are hard I forget about her and her feelings and well being. As time has gone on, opportunities for correct behavior have not been seized and slowly but surely she loses trust in me. Trust that I can take care of her ALWAYS and not just when things are good. I know that this comes from myself having an ego. Thinking to myself " Whatever, let her deal with it." I understand I have to take responsibility for my actions much more now and i know she sees it, however I'm worried that in the time it takes me to be consistent with it, she will be over this relationship.
I ask anyone with any good advice or experience with this matter to write a few lines of help or things i should do/ways I should think.
Thank You. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:19:24 PM | | Couples counselling would likely help you both to learn to relate and communicate more effectively. If one of you wants this to resolve and the other bury's their head in the sand about it, it will never change and I wouldn't suggest getting married until it does get resolved. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:19:29 PM | Sounds like a typical 24 year old guy.
In 10 years you'll have matured and gained more life skills.
I doubt this relationship will last and I doubt she's the one you'll marry.
When you're 32 years old, start looking for a wife. Until then, just keep on maturing. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:26:39 PM | | It probably sould be best to stope the relationship now...and...do what you have to do towards the road to become an adult...with adult thinking...give a relationship another shot...after you turn 30....beleive it or not.....Maturity plays a great role on the stage we know as Life.....Find it... | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:27:15 PM | Hey, good for you. I think it's a hugely important step that you've realized what this dynamic is, and that you're thinking about it and working on it within yourself.
And I think you're going to need help with it. To a great extent, this is just part of growing up some more, which I regret to inform you, as far as I can tell to date, never really ends. It's also something we don't do alone.
Ergo I suggest talking about this with your family and friends. Slowly, one at a time! It's nothing to take lightly - opening up is hard. Also, you might get a few unexpected emotional smacks regarding having treated them this way in the past, too, without having realized it, and a person can only take so much of that no matter how right they are. But, bit by bit, forge ahead. Ask for support in working on sticking around when things are tough - and ask them how they think that support is best delivered. The people who know you are probably your best resource on this.
It might also be a good idea to tell her what you wrote in this post, or show it to her. You'd have to have screwed up really irreparably for that not to be very, very touching. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:31:07 PM | OP
Well, at least you're willing to admit that you're contributing to the problem. That, in and of itself, goes a long way.
Couple of points. First, walking away from times when you two are having problems. That's a huge issue, not a trivial one. I mean, this is not something like not putting your socks in the dirty clothes hamper. Think of it from her perspective. Imagine, if you will, the time when the baby is about to be borne but there's problems with the delivery. You can't blame her for thinking that, at such a difficult time, and based on your behavior, you'll simply walk away from that, too. I know that that's an extreme example, but then, the question does arise, "Would you walk away?" and for good reason, past behavior.
Whether due to ego or not, perhaps the best first step that you can take is to have a frank discussion to show her that you DO recognize the problem and that you WILL take care of it. After that, behavior demonstrating that things HAVE changed will lead to a road to a better relationship.
As others have pointed out, you're young, and life has its way of teaching. But like I've said, you've recognized something in yourself that you would like to change, that's a BIG first step in and of itself.
Good luck. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:31:27 PM | Beristain your profile says you are MARRIED, yet you bemoan the fact your girlfriend doesnt trust you??????????? You say 'I have a bad habit of not thinking about her'. Really? WOW. Grow up!!!!!!!!!!!!
~Beth~ | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:31:56 PM | I'm for the therapy as well, since you are so sure she's the one. You do not necessarily need couples therapy, as from your description, it is you who refuses to accept responsibility for yourself.
You do not have the kind of problem that can be solved or even significantly helped by input from us here, no matter how brilliant we may be. The fact that you are looking for solutions here, may actually be another indicator that you are not yet ready to take responsibility for yourself as a person contemplating marriage ought to. You do not understand how great a set of changes you have to achieve within yourself in order to grow beyond where you are, enough to make your relationship work as it should. No list of what-to-do's, or "how-would-[a-good-grown-up]-think?" can possibly substitute for the actual growth of character you need.
Congratulations at least, for recognizing that your personal ego/selfishness is an element. That's an excellent first step. Good luck taking the rest. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:35:07 PM | When we have an argument, I have a bad habit of not thinking about her and only thinking about myself and my own self preservation. Seems like the next time you find yourself in a contentious scenario, take a deep breath and go out of your way to see her side of the issues. Have some confidence that you may be able to revisit the contentious issue again in the future; since you showed yourself in a positive light the first go-round, maybe she'd be more likely to see things your way the second time around.
If that don't work, you guys might be in trouble if you decide to remain together. Sounds like you guys both would rather be right than be happy. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:41:16 PM | | I'd still suggest couples therapy and it can go along with his own individual therapy. His actions have caused a form of distrust for her and now that is something she has to get over as well and they need to both learn effective ways to get over their issues together. He may have caused the issues initially but it has caused it to be an issue for both of them. I'd say that 24 isn't too young to consider getting married, especially when he's showing much more insight into the relationship and his own foibles than many twice his age do. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:42:23 PM |
I only put married because i dont want people to look at my profile and act interested. Im here solely for advice.
That's what I figured. And that you're trying it on a little, to see how it feels to say it.
Lots of people say they're just seeking advice here when they're really considering looking around, but your emphatically undatable profile description, lack of photos, and - mostly - the fact that you posted as soon as POF allows a new member to do so, convinced me you really came here viewing it as a place you hoped to find sound advice.
And I hope some of this is helpful. There'll be more and it won't all be nice, so get ready! | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:51:02 PM | Sounds like you need to learn to communicate rather than trying too hard to think what would feel good to her.
You BOTH need to learn how to communicate. Make it a project for the two of you and seek out the resourses. There are books, classes, CDs and all sorts of other resourses available.
You gave very little infomation on what goes wrong. But one example - walking away in the middle of an argument. When you are mad and you express yourself something like "this is stupid and unacceptible blah blah blah" at least you are clearly letting her know what's going on and where you stand. When you walk away, what is the poor woman to think? There are countelss possibilities, and you left her guessing. (althoug to you it may be pretty clear that this is stupid and unacceptible that's why no further discussion is needed). If you are so mad that you don't know what to say, just say "I'm so mad i don't know what to say" but don't give her the silent treatment. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:06:15 PM | I've seen some "have to", "should". "shouldn't" on your thread. I've got an impression you wanna be an 'ideal' kind of man in your mind who is not who you are right now. But at the same time you are fully aware of your behaviors and willing to make changes for a better relationship. A good start!
Only problem here is you are under pressure to grow in a hurry not to lose her but you can't be someone else over night no matter how hard you try by pushing yourself into the direction you and your girlfreind want to go. It will take time with patience and effort for many years.
Have you ever talk to your girlfrined about how you feel like you do here now? Be honest and try to talk to her first before going to see a therapiest.
Good luck!!! | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:13:40 PM | | man! Ihate to admit this, but at 55, I've been guilty of thinking this way and feeling this way also...sometimes I don't know where it comes from...I was married for 20 years, divorced 10, and still single today...4 relationships in ten years (well the first was just a rebound girl, did not last long at all) and I'm discovering this about myself too...I'm a good provider, and try to be thoughtfull (ok, I can be a bit self centered at times) but most of my life has revolved around the person I'm with and doing for them...so when things get rocky sometimes, I tend to pull back and get selfish...then regret it...it cost me my last relationship....I'm learning, slooooowly. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:16:04 PM | It's easy to fix. Anytime you find yourself getting upset, ask yourself these questions:
1. What exactly am I feeling?
2. Why am I feeling this way?
3. How do I want this to go?
4. What do I need to do so my partner doesn't suffer in the process?
That will reengage your intellect so that the pain, anger or frustration doesn't rule the event. If you can't ask yourself the questions because you're too upset, that means you are also to upset to be talking, so excuse yourself for five or ten minutes, take some deep breaths, collect your thoughts, ask yourself the questions and then return to her with some presence of mind and a loving spirit.
You get to need what you need, and feel how you feel. The point is that in order to be with someone else and deserve their trust you have to be able to keep your temper in check and only say what you need and how you feel when you're not being hostile, offensive or abusive. There is plenty of time to do it right, so take the extra few seconds or minutes to let the emotion abate and your calmer self to come back. Impulse recognition and management are the chores of maturity. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:24:47 PM | Man o man. On one side I see your point but on the other I think you missing a few.
Why would you want to marry someone who isn't as willing to step up and take on some responsibility for the issues at hand, much less someone who back away more and more because of who and what you are?
It takes two to argue or fight. It takes two to solve a problem. Just because your not doing everything she thinks you should the she think you should really isn't a good reason to change.
You may not see it but it sounds like she has some issues herself. Why does all of this have to be about making her happy? Where is there a middle ground.
You are going to sell yourself out and make a bunch of changes thinking it's going to save a sinking ship. Only to drowned under the weight of giving all of yourself away! | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:47:44 PM | | Like The rock man said, it always takes TWO to make it work. I wish you don't beat up yourself too much even when things don't work well. She is reponsible for your relationship, too. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:42:34 PM | | REally I am laid back and romantic and have a compassionate side so, I think if you can aquire that mind set, and you really enjoy someone for who they are, you should be able to do it alot. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:49:58 PM | i would start with the premise of
showing selfless love at all times in relationships
if you are shooting for that, you will never reach it. remember we are not perfect.
start by practicing one new response each time you have an argument, like don't walk away
practice, repeating what she said back to her so she knows you heard it
hesitate to respond quickly
think about what she said, not on how it makes you feel
after you have calmed your internal response and reflected on what she said
then you may have a chance of being able to further the communication
just a few thoughts,
kaylee | |
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