| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:58:56 PM | I'm not a phone person but still want to meet men on POF. Personally, I just can't stand talking on the phone. I'm really not sure why that is. I suppose with typing, I have more time to think about what I want to say. It makes me uncomfortable when the phone conversation stops flowing and there are long pauses while I'm trying to think of something interesting to say to someone. Since I can't read the man's facial expressions or body language, I find it awkward trying to get to know a man on the phone.
In contrast, I have no trouble at all with face-to-face conversations, so after building up an email rapport with a man, I'll wait until he brings up talking on the phone, and then I'll suggest meeting for a drink as an alternative. Some men are open to this idea and others aren't. I'm also uncomfortable with giving my number to a man until after we've met in person and have agreed that there is mutual interest in seeing each other again. Am I the only woman who doesn't like using the phone as a screening method, or are there others who feel the same way? | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:01:33 PM | | I do, OP... for some reason I freeze up when the guy wants to move from emailing (or IMing) to the phone. I'd rather just set up a date and meet in person. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:11:47 PM | Keep the phone conversations short. I want to talk on the phone a couple times. I want to know she is going to be able to talk on the date.
Cowboy | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:17:36 PM | For me, it would not be necessary to talk on the phone (interestingly it is usually the women that want that) but it would be absolutely necessary to have your number before we met.
Sh** happens and there is no way either one of us is going to wind up sitting someplace wondering where the other person is just because she had some weird hang up about providing a phone number. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:29:49 PM | I'm with you, I don't like talking on the phone to people I'm hoping to date if I haven't met them in person... It's a necessary step though. Just the way its done--so here's a nifty way to get through it.
Outline what you care to say, then cut it short.
Hi. How are you? Did I catch you at an ok time (if your the caller)
then be HONEST about not loving the phone. just tell them exactly what you've said above, and that your doing the phone conversation just because its an apporpriate step between IM's and IRL meetings. This might even be the appropriate time to arrange a date :) | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:48:21 PM | | Completely agreed. I prefer to talk on the phone to arrange things and thats it. Might be an idea to actually make the call though, just to hear their voice - but keep it short. Definately no need for lenghthy interview style conversations - terrible. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:55:56 PM | | I don't want to talk for hours on the phone, but at least one or two short conversations will clue me in on what I am in for - or might want to cancel on. For me the written word is great, but some people don't translate into real time and aren't great conversationalists. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:56:17 PM | | A) Make one call, and you make it if you do not your number handed out. that is what I do now, since I used to give it out and some people drunk dial, text and get out of control before I have even met them or are not who they claim to be and I don't want freak shows calling me all night. B) At least verify it is a man you are e mailing back and forth with!!!. I had a couple that were men but sounded WAY older than they claimed to be on the profile. And you can tell if they are even able to speak. Amazing vibes you can get from people. I am not a huge phone person either, but sometimes ONE call saved me from wasting a lot of time meeting some nit wit. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:11:10 PM | Of course it's okay, if it's what you prefer. I'm sure you and slimholly aren't the only ones.
I myself do prefer to talk on the phone first, as much for ruling-out purposes as because I enjoy it, but there's no one-size-fits-all with this sort of thing. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:38:51 PM | | I would suggest texting. You have to give the guy your number if you guys plan on meeting up. Just in case something comes up or you can't find him at the meeting place. Wouldn't want you posting on here how you got stood up. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:48:20 PM | | I believe everything has it's purpose. I can see your annoyance with phones but at the same time there will be awkward silences in person. Anyway i say what makes you comfortable is the best thing you can do i guess. No you are not the only woman or person with this quirk good luck with everything. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:00:56 PM | It isn't a crime to go straight from emailing to meeting. However I'm completely the opposite to you. I find that I can learn a lot about someone from the first phone call.
I was supposed to meet a guy from here, months ago, and he seemed really great in his emails. I suggested a phone call first just to break the ice. I'm so glad we got to chat because he didn't sound anything like the person who had emailed me. I don't mean his voice rather the things he said to me and the way he spoke to me. He asked when we could meet and I said I'd send him an email. I did and I expressed that I didn't feel we were compatible.
Whilst talking on the phone I had asked him - "have you met anyone from POF yet?" to be told bluntly that he'd slept with 2 women. I mentioned that he sounded like a hypocrite because on his profile it clearly stated that he was only looking for a LTR not anything casual. He laughed and said "yes I'm the world's biggest hypocrite".
He then launched into a whole discussion about how he didn't like women with really big breasts yadda, yadda, yadda. I sat there listening thinking 'well you can count me out cause I'm a 16DD and some consider that big". He had just about lost me by that stage when he said "you're not so special you know". Huh? Why would he say that? I never implied I was.
He finally made some ridiculous comment about how a Capricorn (him) and a Taurus (me) were the perfect pairing. I will admit I don't know alot about star signs but that one I know is NOT true. Besides my dad is a Capricorn and he is a very arrogant, obnoxious man. This guy was showing similar patterns.
So to phone or not to phone..............that really is the question. In my case I will always take the opportunity to talk with the person on the phone first just to wash away any odd feelings I might have about them.
Good luck!!
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:11:49 PM | | The perfect solution I came up with for your dilemma is to suggest in an email that you meet in person to talk on the phone where you can see each other. That satisfies every concern. Think outside the box. Ignore the box. There are no boxes. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:13:07 PM | Just to set up a meeting, but forget the chatting.
I definately want an outgoing gentleman, so he should be able to do that in person just as well as on the phone.
Worst is when they are outgoing online, but boring and snoring in person, even when you ask them to talk about themself.
Good idea to meet first for drinks, so you can leave within the hour, if things aren't happening. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:25:27 PM | The phone is a wonderful invention. Years ago, people used two cans and a string. Some put a cup to the wall when they wanted to hear the neighbors having sex.
Nowadays, there is a wave that has swept the nation. It is called a web cam. Try it some time. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:33:14 PM | | Everyone has their own way of doing things, but for me, a phone conversation is better than the written word when it comes to discovering whether or not we have a good rapport and similar interrelating styles. There is no need for a gab fest, but I want to hear his voice and laughter, and see how well we click when it comes to conversing. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:32:29 PM | OnlyThis brought up the fact that phones were necessary for him to make sure he wasn't stood up on a date. The way I've been getting around that is by not exchanging numbers with the man until we have made the date and agreed on a time and place to meet. I then give him my number and tell him IF there's a change of plans or one of us is running late, we can call each other, otherwise we will meet as planned. There has only been one time when a call was absolutely necessary. Once a man left a message on my voicemail that he was running late, and I sent him a text message back. That seemed to satisfy him.
I know that some posters use the phone as a way to screen someone and have decided not to meet a person on the basis of a phone conversation alone. The phone just happened to work to their advantage, but I think the phone works to my disadvantage due to the fact that phone conversation makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm not at my best. True, I've lost a few dates because of my stance on phone contact, but I've found that those men who are truly interested in meeting me don't insist on a communication method that I'm not comfortable with, so I can also look at this as a way to screen out those men who wouldn't be a good personality fit for me. I actually had one man get angry and verbally abusive with me after I told him I didn't want to talk on the phone. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:32:54 PM | I don't love to talk on the phone, but I need to hear their voice once before a meetup. Even if our emails have me thinking everything is great. It's too easy to fire off texts. But I'm not screening to see if we're "compatible". I would never drop him for being awkward on the phone. I just want to get that he's real and it's safe.
Last year, a man called to set up the first lunch and he told me outright how uncomfortable he was on the phone, how it's easier to edit emails and/or to "get" him in person. And yeah, he sounded like a totally different person than his email voice. So much so, I ran back to his emails and pic in a mild panic: "I really like him already - right?"
On the phone we'd mentioned a neighborhood on long island where there are lots of pawn shops. In his long island accent (I'm not from here!) it sounded like he was suddenly talking to me about "porn shops", apropos of nothing - WTF?? Oh!!! He means the *pawn* shops!!! | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:52:52 PM | | How did our parents date? What did we do before cell phones and computers? It seems the more outlets of connecting with people we have the more weird we get. What's so hard about having a conversation over the phone. I remember when I was a teenager; we had one landline at the house and if you wanted to date you better be on the phone TALKING. There was no texting or anything else. I remember using the payphone to talk to my boyfriend. Times sure have changed. OMG I am old LOL | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:19:22 PM | | With me, it has nothing to do with the times changing. It's just difficult for me to talk on the phone. I've been that way ever since I was a little kid. I guess we all have our different quirks. Some folks don't like to post their photos. I don't like to talk on the phone. | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:35:45 PM | I guess I'm with E-Keys and cowboy on this one - I'd like to at least have one conversation over the phone before meeting. Now keep in mind that it isn't like that my best medium is the phone - I felt sorry for my mother since the men in our family were not great on the phone. However, (a) I'd want to hear their voice first before a date and (b) I want to see if there is any conversation between us. I don't think the call needs to take hours, but there should be *some* communication.
And as for not being comfortable talking on the phone, my honest response to this is to just suck it up and do it. If you love sitting on the sideline, that is fine ... but I'd like to be with someone that wants to be in the game, and someone who appreciates that you sometimes have to do stuff that is outside their comfort zone in order to play. (Note that there would be some give and take on this, as is the case for any successful relationship in my honest opinion) | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:28:43 PM | hell no...dont bypass the phone...i want to know what the object of my affection sounds like in my ears...if i find i cant stand the tone or pitch the voice is a huge turn off!!! | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:55:18 PM | | I have met one person from this site......The first time we talked by phone, he wanted to come to my home. I did meet this person r/t, it was a great meeting, but I soon learned he was all about control, I will never make that mistake again......*S* | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:07:51 PM | How do you maintain a healthy relationship without phone conversation? Actually typing for me is quite a turnoff,and having a medium (telephone) suits me well before the 1st date.Also,I'd have to ask what would you do if you met the guy & you disliked his voice?
One simple call is all it takes.
I take it you feel comfortable (talking on the phone) to someone your in a relationship with.As you can see I like to get to know someone even before the first date,they say opposites attract...... | |
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| Bypassing the phone, is it okay or not?
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:40:56 PM |
Since I can't read the man's facial expressions or body language, I find it awkward trying to get to know a man on the phone.
That pretty much sums it up for me, too. Even a little 'facetime' helps to fill in those blanks.
My best 'First Date' happened with no phone at all, just email. If she'd only been as divorced as her profile was... | |
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