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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:24:01 PM | Ok... this could get really long if I gave all the background so Im going to give the coles notes version.
I've read a ton of threads about single parents not getting child support because the ex wont send it etc...
When my daughter was born I chose not to seek support. Her father has had email contact with me twice since he found out about her and that was it. He doesnt know her name, where we live, anything... all his choice. I decided I didnt want to muddy the waters should my daughter ever decide to seek him out by being the woman who "just wanted his money".
We arnt rolling in dough by any means, but my daughter has everything she needs (and wants, and more...lol).
Should I really be looking for support just because I can? To make him responsible for something that is half his? Or just keep living our happy little lives?
And just FYI... Im more curious about other peoples opinions then I am looking for advice. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:30:06 PM | I think you need to follow your heart on this one. If it feels right, doing things the way you are, then you need to continue doing it. If you think you need to go after the support, then do it.
In this situation though, it sounds like you can write him off as not wanting anything to do with you guys, and it would just make him resent the baby if you do go after the support.
It's kind of a damned if you do damned if you don't situation.
If I were you, I would continue on the way you are and just let the support go. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:34:14 PM | | First you have to decide if he's someone you want in your child's life. I'd lean toward asking for support unless he's some sort of psychopath or drug addict. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:37:15 PM | I'd give him the option to pay if he likes to and if not then oh well....
But if i was your ex i'd want to pay at least a little something to help you out if I wasnt going to be there for you and the little girl.But thats just me,......
oh,and to anser your question no your not wrong. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:37:23 PM | | You sound like a fantastic, and very wise, Mum. Your daughter is lucky. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 3:43:08 PM | Thats part of the reason actually.
I dont want people involved in her life unless they want to be involved. I dont want to force people to be part of her little life. Including monetarily.
He isnt psychotic, he isnt a drug addict/drinker... he's a good man who got something he didnt expect and reacted badly. Do I want him involved now? No. She is my daughter, Ive clothed her, fed her, changed her on my own for over a year. Stepping in now when she is starting to do fun things and the middle of the nights are over would piss me off. That being said if he got in contact with me and wanted contact I wouldnt stop him.
guernsey_donkey: Thanks :D | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:53:59 PM |
Do I want him involved now? No. She is my daughter, Ive clothed her, fed her, changed her on my own for over a year. Stepping in now when she is starting to do fun things and the middle of the nights are over would piss me off. That being said if he got in contact with me and wanted contact I wouldnt stop him
Glad to hear you would not stop him even though understandably you would not be over the moon about it. You possess a maturity that most young woman your age that find themselves in your postion do not have.
I had to think about your question and can't say for sure how I would react if I were in your situation but it seems your path is working at this time and and if it isn't broke, why try to fix it...
Perhaps someday he will come around on his own volition financially and emotionally and it will be a win for your daughter but in the meantime, keep on keeping on! | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:02:14 PM | While I admire the fact that you don't want to take the money from him and you are supporting your daughter, I think you would do your daughter a better service by seeking support and squirrelling it away for her post secondary education. After all, it's extremely difficult to give her everything that she'll need and even want, and ensure that there's the option of her graduating with a good degree and very little or no debt...
It's not so much a question of responsibility on his part, but a question of securing a better future for your daughter than what you can on your own... life is dynamic... you never know what's around the next corner. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:36:27 PM | | I think that in your situation I would not bother to contact him for support, from the sounds of it you are doing an amazing job on your own and I think that changing paths now could cause some pretty big changes and a lor of sress. He might decide that if he's paying then he should have rights to see her if that makes sense = my youngest sister's father actually told my mother that if he was 'paying for something' he deserved an equal share!! Jerk. If he is interested then he will come to you. It took a long time for my little girl's daddy to step up and take any responsibility and is only now interested because she is so much more 'interesting' to him (she's 19 months and incredibly bright and inquisitive) and in a way I wish he hadn't have been involved because he lets her down and can be inconsistant. If you are both happy then good for you and keep it up. =o] | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:56:05 PM | Any money comes with it's own "costs"
GENERALLY SPEAKING.. When a man starts paying for something.. he wants significant input to know he is getting VALUE for his money.
YOU made a UNILATERAL decision to basically stay hidden from him.. You SAY it's his choice.. but you werent regularly and OFTEN giving him updates of the WHERE his offspring was.. even just in case he all of a sudden sprouted an interest.
YOU DECIDED that you didnt want to "muddy the waters"
Why go after money now. Your primary job is to raise your kid. It ISNT to "make him responsible" Fact is.. your own decisions so far have RELIEVED him of that responsibility.. in fact.. KEEPING HIM FROM even trying to be responsible.
You SAY you have "happy little lives" Go live them.
YOU chose a path.. stay on it.
If you believe in karma.. like you refer to in your name.. it will happen to him.. and doesnt have to have a direct link to YOU.. It will just be KARMA | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:56:23 PM | As soon as you get courts involved, they will grant him parenting time.
A father forced to pay may eventually be inclined to demand some of that time, with courts and police to back him up if you resist. (When I pay for something, I want to take it home with me. And since half of her genes are his he's got a natural instinct at play, too.)
So.... do you want this man back in your life, legally, and do you want to be handing your daughter to him for entire weekends immediately and two or six weeks at a time in the summer?
You said she has everything she needs and wants. Then you said, "To make him responsible." Horse biscuits. You will not make that guy "responsible." What you really mean is "make him PAY."
Sounds like some sort of vengeance is brewing inside of you. Still those waters before you make any decision, Sister. Once you bring the law down into this matter, it is very difficult to undo anything without a lot of time, energy, money and drama.
Honestly, any man who doesn't even want to know his own daughter's name is a waste of human flesh. (Unless you are truly one sadistic psychopathic nutjob and he ran like hell to save his own skin. But I don't think that, just leaving a little wiggle room for such extenuating circumstances.)
I would not be inclined to reattach myself to such a "man." | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:15:49 PM |
YOU made a UNILATERAL decision to basically stay hidden from him.. You SAY it's his choice.. but you werent regularly and OFTEN giving him updates of the WHERE his offspring was.. even just in case he all of a sudden sprouted an interest.
My email address (that we had always communicated through) hasnt changed in 11 years and Im listed in the phone book. Im not hiding, all he has to do is ask.
Sounds like some sort of vengeance is brewing inside of you. Still those waters before you make any decision, Sister. Once you bring the law down into this matter, it is very difficult to undo anything without a lot of time, energy, money and drama.
There is no vengeance, no ill-will, nothing but a little left over pain of loss for myself and my daughter. My decisions have already been made. As I stated, Im not looking for advice, just opinion.
You said she has everything she needs and wants. Then you said, "To make him responsible." Horse biscuits. You will not make that guy "responsible." What you really mean is "make him PAY."
I didnt say I wanted to make him responsible, I was asking an opinion as to whether or not someone should. I specifcally said I didnt want to be the woman who just wanted his money.
Honestly, any man who doesn't even want to know his own daughter's name is a waste of human flesh. (Unless you are truly one sadistic psychopathic nutjob and he ran like hell to save his own skin. But I don't think that, just leaving a little wiggle room for such extenuating circumstances.)
I am not, well as far as I know...lol. He isnt a waste of human flesh either though, he just fvcked up royally.
But as I said, nothing is going to change, I was just curious as to what other people thought. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:18:06 PM | now you know what some of us think..
Go live a life as if he didnt exist. It seems that basically he doesnt. Live accordingly and let it go. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:43:51 AM | Its a question I struggle with too. The courts here will not grant a divorce unless there is support set-up because things have to be for "the good of the child". So, an amount was awarded. In the past 13 years, I have never received anything. My logic in not pursuing it has been that it would be more hassle than it would be worth and my son also has everything he wants and needs (and more). We are fortunately lucky, as I have the means to support us and very supportive parents. I don't think your choice is wrong by any means if you are able to provide okay on your own.
Also, perhaps the fact that he leaves you alone to live your "happy little lives" is worth something too. My son's dad will call once in awhile, like about once or twice every 2-3 years and make all kinds of promises to our son, and then never follows through and will just drop out of sight again, leaving my son disappointed. Last year he called in December to ask our son what he wanted for Christmas, and then never sent anything (not even a card). We haven't heard anything more from him since. This type of behaviour does a lot more damage in my mind than the lack of financial support. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:00:54 AM | | I say you're wrong. But then, i am joking. Do what is best for the child not you. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:46:30 AM | OK, I'll be the d!ck here and say that if your daughter would benefit from the support, you should seek it. Yes, she's being clothed & fed now, but are putting money away for a college fund and things like that? Why not take the support money and invest it for her? Frankly, I doubt that the sperm doner is going to suddenly want parental rights & visitation and if he does, what's really wrong with that?
This isn't about you just wanting his money. It's about what's best for your daughter and 18 years of wisely invested child support would make a helluva dent in her college education expenses. A college degree almost assures that she'll earn a better living as an adult. If she doesn't want to go to college then she could use the money to buy a home, invest herself, or even just roll it over into a retirement account. There are so many ways that a nest egg like that would benefit her. So, why would you not want her to be able to live a better life?? | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:46:21 AM | I can speak from experience with this topic.
Though, I was with my sons father for two years (two months before pregnancy, to two months after his first year). When we separated, he moved to Oil Country, and decided to "Party too much" resulting in becoming a Crack addict within four months.
We didn't talk to him after that, nor, did I seek child support.
Five years later (Read: all of five months ago), we track him down, with the intent of him seeing where his head was at, if he would be willing to sign away his rights. My sons father, after being contacted, wanted to be a part of his life, explaining how he had been clean for one sober year ( to my knowledge, I have no reason to believe this isn't true).
I decide that because we were so young, dumb... Let the past be the past, and allow him to gradually, but, efficently work himself back into his life (his life, not mine. Never ever, ever never), forgetting the five year debt.
Last month, we went to mediation. The counsellor told me, I have no right to tell my sons father, that he doesn't owe the five year debt. Told me that the judge will likely have him pay the amount of $32,000, and that, the only way around it, would to be if -I- went to court, and fought the -court ordered demand that he owes the money-, and won, would then he not owe it to my son.
However, that's much different than your situation, with...Babies'daddy having knowing nothing about baby. I say... Contact him. See where his head is at. He might be willing to sign away his rights.
Which, might be a lot easier. You don't have the money now, so, why miss it? If you have babies'rights, you have the ability to essentially, move on, and allow the man you marry, who will likely fall in love with her, to adopt baby. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:54:30 AM | I too was a young, single, proud mother. I never wanted anything from her father and never asked for anything. But life circumstances change and they have dramatically over the last 14 years. I was married and my husband at the time resented the fact my X was not paying child support. So I set up a verbal agreement for a small amount from her father to appease my husband at the time. Mind you I made good money while we were married and paid more than my share and my daughters needs, it was more of a "fair is fair" thing to my husband because he was paying support on his kid at the time and felt all fathers should.
Fast forward 11 years and I'm again a single mom. The economy sucks and I'm struggling just to get by. I NEED his support now. It is still just a small amount, but believe me it helps.
And in gaining some maturity I now wonder is my pride worth the savings I could have for my daughter? I have no college fund, wedding fund, first car fund.....is it fair to her? I think not.
You never know what life holds for you, illness, fallen economy, downsizing at work....so many factors. Everything may be rosey today.....but you never know about tomorrow. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:11:34 PM |
OK, I'll be the d!ck here and say that if your daughter would benefit from the support, you should seek it. Yes, she's being clothed & fed now, but are putting money away for a college fund and things like that? Why not take the support money and invest it for her? Frankly, I doubt that the sperm doner is going to suddenly want parental rights & visitation and if he does, what's really wrong with that?
This isn't about you just wanting his money. It's about what's best for your daughter and 18 years of wisely invested child support would make a helluva dent in her college education expenses. A college degree almost assures that she'll earn a better living as an adult. If she doesn't want to go to college then she could use the money to buy a home, invest herself, or even just roll it over into a retirement account. There are so many ways that a nest egg like that would benefit her. So, why would you not want her to be able to live a better life??
She has an RESP and a savings account.
As for whats wrong with him seeing her... Nothing. Other then the fact that for over a year he has known she existed and never acknowledged her existence. Even in our very sparse communication it was "we need to talk" and never an acknowledgment of what I was telling him.
What is more important? Less OSAP debt or the possibility that one day down the road she might be able to contact her father without resentment? | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:32:36 PM |
While I admire the fact that you don't want to take the money from him and you are supporting your daughter, I think you would do your daughter a better service by seeking support and squirrelling it away for her post secondary education. After all, it's extremely difficult to give her everything that she'll need and even want, and ensure that there's the option of her graduating with a good degree and very little or no debt...
It's not so much a question of responsibility on his part, but a question of securing a better future for your daughter than what you can on your own... life is dynamic... you never know what's around the next corner.
I agree with this 100% as well as with Navigator's comments. If you won't need it for college, she has a nest egg to buy a house or just have that security that should the bottom ever fall out of her life, she has that to lean on. You never know what could happen, she could find herself a young single mother and knowing that she would have that money to help support them without having to turn to you for it could be a huge thing, and that is only one scenario.
I can understand your attitude about him not seeing her but one thing that might be helpful particularly in the event that he does dig his head out of his ass and want to see his child, is that it isn't personal. You see it as a rejection of this wonderful little being that you love more than you thought you could ever love anybody but he doesn't know her so he also doesn't know what he has missed, the good stuff in addition to the midnight feedings. Even if it is a little late in the game, she will be much better off if she does have contact with her father because for some kids, it just remains a hole, no matter how full of love and people their life is. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:53:01 PM | He is a good man and you don't want him in her life??? What?? I don't understand that. More girls need good dad's in thier life. This helps them not have so many relational issues as an adult. Take it slow with him and a healthy relationship might develop that will benifit your daughter greatly in the future. As a parent I had to put my feelings aside for my daughters sake and I am glad I did. I raised two without a male and they have suffered because of it. Although there fathers were dead beat dads who were alcholics and drug addicts. So I did them a favor as well. There I go being flakey again. LOL
Every situation is different becasue there are so many variables. Trust your gut!! Only you know if this man could be a good influence on your daughter. | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:21:17 PM |
He is a good man and you don't want him in her life??? What??
Exactly! A father/daughter relationship is an extremely important one. Putting the money issue aside and despite the fact that he hasn't made the effort, why would YOU not make the effort? I mean, what's wrong with you taking the initiative and asking this good man to get involved, for HER sake?
Trust me, at some point she's going to ask about her father and telling her that he only emailed you twice about her since she was born is going to have a serious affect on her, psychologically. You need to at least push the issue with him a little bit to actually see what his position is regarding her. Even if it doesn't work out, at the very least, you'll know that you have done everything in your power to create a relationship. Wouldn't that be better than sitting back and doing nothing? | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:54:25 PM | You're not wrong. I did the same thing when my daughter was born. Her father and I had only been together for a few months when I got pregnant with her and he wasn't ready or willing to be a part of her life or mine. At that time, I wasn't so sure I wanted him in ours either.
I lived in Canada and he lived in the States so it wasn't hard to go our separate ways.
I had a very good job at the time and supported her financially, stayed up with her when she was sick, took her to school her first day, kissed her boo boos and did the best that I could.
He kept in touch over the years, but only in an indirect way. I had always told him that if he ever changed his mind about seeing her, that door was always open for him.. but to remember that that choice came with responsibilities.
Over the last year, he had a few life changing experiences and contacted me to see if he could be a part of her life. He finally met her this summer after 10 years and you'd never know they hadn't spent 10 years apart. He's voluntarily sent support over the last year and has really stepped up.
We were fine without him in our lives and now we're doing fine with him in hers. I always sensed that her dad would eventually have a change of heart because one of the reasons I'd been with him was his sensitivity and compassionate nature. My opinion is that you're doing what you need to do for her and she's really not suffering so why drag an unwilling person into the mix.? | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:28:23 PM | OP~ I'm in agreement with Navigator, and Package - Msgs. 16, 20, 22. ...and, thank them for saving me (my lazy self, this evening) the typing...  | |
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| Am I wrong?
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:56:57 PM | I have left the ball in his court for if he wants to know her or of her. He knows how to contact me and it is not my job to chase him down and force her upon him. Im also not going to send updates and hopes for a meeting between the 2 of them to someone who doesnt know her name.
Just because you are a good person, doesnt mean everything you do is good. I believe he is a good person but his actions have shown me that my daughter isn't something he plans to make good with.
IMO I would rather tell her down the road that he wasnt involved ever then tell her "I got in contact with him to try and make him see you and he still didnt want to see or know you". | |
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