| Ok, I'll drink the Kool-Aid!
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:29:02 AM | I would like to know what other people think when they view my profile. I welcome all feedback whether it is negative or positive. I look forward to hearing about what you have to say. Thank you in advance!  | |
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| Ok, I'll drink the Kool-Aid!
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:14:18 AM | 1. the most emportat lines are the 1st 4 most people read these and if you get further than that your doing well and these are the ones that show up on detailed surchies
2.delete last updated
3. 2nd main paragraph to top prehaps
star with that | |
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| Ok, I'll drink the Kool-Aid!
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:13:02 AM | From the handle that refers to a song about ladies rumps, to the Jonestown Kool-Aid reference, one gets a sense that you have a sense of humour that does not really come out in your profile. Write for the man you are after, not the mass audience, because the profile's blander than unflavoured tofu. Do not be afraid of offending guys: the guy you're after is the one who'll share that sense of humour.
And in that vein, read this sentence again:
"Do you ever feel like you are riding the same ride over and over again and eventually you realize it's just not as much fun as it use[d] to be? Well, that's me."
Remember you are writing for a male audience. Read that sentence again. Then read it again, until you figure out why it had me laughing. If you're still puzzled--imagine it's your reader who is realizing something, not you. And then you'll understand why I'm telling you that you need a different opening.
As for the following line, it evokes a few comments.
"Having a husband is not a requirement for me; I will be happy in life either way."
1. Are we not moving a bit fast? He has not even e-mailed you yet and you are dropping the H-bomb. What's the first date going to be, a discussion of wedding table centrepieces over coffee? (Conveniently roofied so that you can drag him off to that cabin, right?)
2. You'll forgive us if we do not believe you. That's like a guy saying that keeping his coinpurse is not a requirement and he'll be happy either way. You can believe in fairy tales if you like, but you're not writing for an audience of 5 year old girls, so we're unlikely to buy it.
3. In sales, you're supposed to assume the sale. Advertising the possibility of failure rarely bodes well. How many GM ads have you seen that mention that they're bankrupt?
And heed me when I ask: please, please, no fish references. Believe me when I say that a fishy odour is the last thing you want to evoke in your readers' minds.
Celibate Tibetans are probably not the go-to source for s*xy material. And the quote kind of suggests, again, that you're not assuming the sale. He's choosing to be optimistic because the Largest Army On The Planet is standing in between him and that national-liberation-and-building-a-Buddhist-theocracy-in-the-21st-century-project he's got going on. There's a reason why Guns&Roses called the album "Chinese Democracy". Getting you a decent date should be a bit easier than liberating Tibet.
Same goes for this line: "Even if it doesn't lead to a 2nd date, the first date still holds something special for me." Again, even AIG knows you don't advertise failure.
"If it is just the two of you there might be a time when conversation starts to lag." Smells like Man Repellent to me. I'd suggest you lose this line faster than the head cheerleader loses her panties on prom night, or you'll be keeping yours on for the foreseeable future.
So, in closing, jazz it up a bit, hotter sauce is in order. | |
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| Ok, I'll drink the Kool-Aid!
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:01:43 AM | Thanks! I've made some adjustments. I read that "ride" from a guy's point of view and it had me laughing as well!! Definitely removed that from the profile. I think my profile might still be a bit bland but now I have some things to chew on and think over...I appreciate the input!  | |
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| Ok, I'll drink the Kool-Aid!
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:04:40 PM | | Your 'first date' description is wayyy too long imho. Maybe something more like "How about we meet at a quiet park on a nice day and get to know each other?" | |
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| Ok, I'll drink the Kool-Aid!
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:47:41 PM | I laughed when I read the paragraph about shitting in the woods!
That will appeal to a large variety of men.
As a forestry worker and someone who has to shit in the bush for 9 months a year.......nice profile! | |
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