| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:23:45 PM | SO. My ex girlfriend and I broke up in June and we had been going out for 3 years w/o ever breaking up prior. We stayed broken up until August, and the reason we got back together was because we saw each other, just 1 time was all it took and we thought it could work again. Well, it didn't so we broke up again, I guess you could say we tried the 'friend' thing (that is an awful idea btw) So finally, as of 3 weeks ago we are done for, broken up, not speaking, and it is going well.
My situation is that she was basically 'born' into my core group of friends, like 20 of them that I have known my whole life. She does not even really have friends of her own anymore, just my friends. The first time we broke up in June I told her I don't want to see her around my friends, but it is nearly impossible, they like her. They call her sometimes which I have a difficult time with but have come to understand they like her too, they are not doing it to betray me. But that is where the problem lies, when we got back together it was because we both showed up to the same event (of what I still call MY friends, selfishly) and that was all it took. For the passed 3 weeks my friends have been very good about not bringing us around together or talking about her, and I have been doing fine. 3 weeks ago when we were finished for good I told her i did not want to see her around my friends and that is working out. But I am having such a hard time understanding this whole situation, and I know it sounds selfish of me to say don't come around MY friends, but that is EXACTLY what it is. Basically she broke up w/ me so she broke up w/ my friends as well. I KNOW she is not going to just disappear though, and I know she is going to pop up here and there but for some reason it makes me sooo mad. I am especially fretting about this now well A) because one of my stupid friends keeps telling me stuff about her to piss me off and B) because my friends and I have an event tomorrow and there is a high chance she will show up there. I wish I could just be normal and nice around her but I really can't, not yet at least, I need my time away from her and wish she would just understand that ya know? I actually evaded my friends through June / July / August cause I did not want to risk seeing her again, but I am not doing that anymore. They are my friends, If I did not introduce her to them she would never know them so I will not be the one who runs away. I think it is best we are apart, we obviously do not work and I am fine with that. For some reason it just really gets to me when she is hanging around me and my friends. Any insight, criticism, words of wisdom, advice, similar stories / solutions to this would be greatly appreciated. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:29:40 PM | Were you the kind of kid who wouldn't really care too much about a toy until someone else played with it?
Get over it. You have no say in who your friends are friends with. If they want to hang out with her, so be it. You can either be a big boy and deal or get new friends. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:33:14 PM | Well, considering you gave no information on HOW you broke up, I'll comment on the way you posted this.
Grow up. Seriously. You can't control who she hangs around with or who your 'friends' wants to have as friends. It's ridiculous. Considering you have 20 friends, you can't occupy yourself with someone else and be civil to her if you come around each other.
To me, it sounds like you are doing that because for some reason it should be expected after a breakup. Get out of victim mode, live your life and let her live hers. | |
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pdlop
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Joined: 10/9/2009
Msg: 5 | |
| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:43:25 PM | | Stop being a dooche man. Someones friendship with another is none of your business. I know its hard but it is what it is. Theres nothing you can do about the situation besides breaking up friendships. Go to the event and have a good time, don't mention it again to your friends and deal with it. That would be the best way to handle the situation. Just don't talk to her. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:45:14 PM | Wow. You are really the star of your own show, aren't you.
she was basically 'born' into my core group of friends, like 20 of them that I have known my whole life
Like, she has also known these people for her whole life, or only the past three years that you were dating?
Doesn't matter either way, you have to get over it and realize you can't control 21 peoples' social lives. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:47:00 PM | OP, you are the only one responsible for you being happy. She's not responsible for making you happy (and never was) and your friends aren't either. If you are not happy, then you need to change, not them. This is a great opportunity for you for personal growth. You have a chance to be a man, to take responsibility for yourself, and to make yourself happy.
I would suggest that you carry on all of your friendships, attend all of the "events" that are available to you, and get on with your life. I'm not suggesting that this will be easy, but you will be happier in the long run if you would just man up and deal with the fact that she is part of the group and she's not "yours" anymore.
Your buddies bust your balls because you respond to it. I'm sure that you know this already, but if it doesn't bother you they won't bother to do it anymore. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:11:57 PM | | Thanks for the quick responses! Guess I made myself an easy target by posting such a deustch thread, but you all are absolutely right I suppose, just not gonna be easy. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:56:18 PM | WOW... a core of like 20 Friends?... that is amazing..congrats!
I personally don't do Friends... it's a big commitment for me... so I limit it to a handful...less actually. Hell I've been on FB from the start and still only have 5 Friends...and 4 of them are actually associates...lol
back to you...well.... let it go... you can't petition people or sway others... you are all grown ups... and true friends...TRUE FRIENDS will stick with you thru thick and thin and know you so well that they will always be your friend.
so... if they are all your friends...truly...like a brotherhood...like blood almost..then don't sweat it.
people are individuals.... and change preferences.. I am sure you have gone from blondes, to redheads, to brunettes at some point... so... I mean... can't people like a variety of people too?
don't be hard on yourself .. or her...or your Friends... be kewl and let it be. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:04:33 PM | Many of your true friends will understand and ostracize her and remain loyal to you.
The guys who are interested in her more than in your friendship might go after her if she's attractive. Methinks that's where your worry lies. You don't want her but don't want one of your "friends" to have her. (Possession. Painful stuff.)
None of that will change the nature of who you are. You are a young man, with much life to live, great new experiences ahead of you and a world that awaits your joyful exploration. Be you, and be cool. You will get through this. Relax a bit. It's okay. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:10:58 PM | | I with Candid" on this one, did not want all the crap so she got custody of the friends and neighbor with the exception of the true blue fellas. There is than man code thing, you just don't date you true buddy's ex. Iwould wish her on my enemy LOL. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:00:49 AM | When my ex and I split up, I let him have 'custody' of the friends - I had introduced him to them (they were mostly from school) but he was much more social than I, and I was so broken up - I just wanted to disappear. I did a disappearing act and made a new life with new friends. It's a small circle, but it's a good one.
I'm not saying you have to go 'poof' OP - just saying, this too will pass. Your 'core' friends (not all 20) will stick with you - the ones on the periphery may opt to invite her to things out of habit, they like her, their loyalties aren't as tight with you.
Oh, and your friends are ragging on you because it ticks you off, also - I have a feeling you may be complaining about this situation to them a lot and they're probably sick of you. Take care! | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:27:23 AM | Oh my gawd. Sally if you like Mary I won't sleep over at your house anymore because I don't like Mary and if you liked me you wouldn't like her either.
Just exchange the names to Crystal or Jennifer..whatever.
Time to grow up.
MY friends, My hangout. My toy train.....
If you were over her and secure with yourself you wouldn't care.
Be normal and nice even if you have to fake it, it stretches those muscles and you will need them for the rest of your life to deal with things that don't go your way.
This has happened to everyone at some point.
Friends don't make friends choose sides. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:25:46 AM | Oh bless - friendship is always stronger than love, it is the first Red Flag when a new partner wants you to stop seeing your friends).
Yours is the other way round both of you want to keep the friends, in the settlement, sadly it just does not work that way, friends choose who they want out of the couple and go with that person.
Try making new friends outside the 'old gang' of course when you find a new lady you will meet her friends and she will meet yours | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:27:04 AM | You need to get over your feelings of jealousy. She is going to be friends with these people, because they like her and she likes them. When you see her, be polite, don't talk badly of her to your friends, be an adult. She obviously is a nice person, or they woudn't be still friends with her, so accept her as a friend, and move on
Beth | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:27:07 AM | Oh bless - friendship is always stronger than love, it is the first Red Flag when a new partner wants you to stop seeing your friends).
Yours is the other way round both of you want to keep the friends, in the settlement, sadly it just does not work that way, friends choose who they want out of the couple and go with that person.
Try making new friends outside the 'old gang' of course when you find a new lady you will meet her friends and she will meet yours | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:29:23 AM | Doesn't matter who saw them first unfortunately... if you be a d!ck about it you could loose all your friends.
Once I broke up with a boyfriend that decided to keep every party and event on our social calendar with my friends which he hasn't even known very long and in an effort to get some distance I grew apart and lost that whole group of people. I guess we chat on facebook but I haven't seen a single one of them since the one awkward event the ex and I both attended. But it's important to point out that the distance happened because I was weird about it... my friends didn't choose sides and they really shouldn't have to. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:50:57 AM | | This happens when you are in relationships. I was married for 10 years. His friends, became mine. Hell, I moved out of state for the man. When I decided to leave him (number of reasons) the "friends" sitation pissed him off as well. Mainly becasue in our situation they agreed with me and he got his feelings hurt. However, I did not discuss our break up; people KNEW why I left him. For me it became too much, so I pulled away from everyone. However, I was a bit older than you and her, and already know too much about people to stcik around for games and drama. The best thing I can say is do NOT discuss her, or the relationship. Do not be the gossip or the one to be a fool. And, if they are really your friends, there should not be any issues. Just be adult about it, as hard as it is sometimes. I feel for you, because I know the boat you are in. But it is manageable. And maybe talk to her about it , one on one, and ask her to please keep it civil. I tried that with my X and he could not do it. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:36:01 AM | | You have a couple of choices here. You could dump the entire crew of 20 friends as well as your ex girlfriend, and start over. Or you could accept the fact that you cannot control any other human being and take the "high road" and be civil to your ex when you bump into each other. And refuse to take the bait when someone says something to "piss you off". Just say to yourself, "I'm not going there." Yes, you're right, it's not going to be easy. Who ever said that life was easy? But think how strong you will be as a person when you are able to overcome this. | |
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| Same group of friends breakup what to do?
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:10:50 AM | | If it's that bothersome, then don't be around your friends when they are hanging out with her. Better yet, get a new crew of people to spend time with. | |
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