| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:27:31 PM | First, I didn't know how to title this thread...sorry.
I met a nice Swedish guy online at another website. We talked everyday for weeks and spent every available minute of the day spending time talking and emailing together. He talked of spending the rest of his life with me, integrating me into his family (he has kids) and helping me get Swedish residency. His kids are excited about me too.
Later, the guy flew from Sweden to America to spend a week with me in my state....nice, right.
He is very attractive, blond, athletic and nice to boot. Guy X returns home to his country and he continues to talk about him and I everyday... The more he talks about it....the more...I find myself wanting space from him. He writes me on a popular social networking site and he instant messages me too. Things, I used to like a lot before…. I find myself hiding from him and making up stories, why I don't want to talk to him. Now, he is talking about bringing his kids from Sweden to America to visit some local theme parks next year and he has asked me to participate and meet his kids. But, I told him that is too far in advance for me to plan.
I really like him a lot, but something in me makes me want to runaway at the same time from him.
The problem is this has happened to me before... 3 other European guys have traveled to this country to meet me and countless numbers of American guys too. I was also engaged to marry someone and I left him too.
My family always asks me, what I am doing with all the nice guys I meet. I have met a lot too. The weird thing is this. – The minute guys lose interest in me, I become really interested.
Do you have any advice??? | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:35:49 PM | What is "Orlando/Baden Wurttemburg Florida"?
Are you attracted to females?
Are you simply too young to want a relationship?
Only you know why you are doing this.
Why do you get involved with them in the first place?
Look up avoidant personality disorder also, maybe you have this.
Have you ever had a long term boyfriend where this didnt happen? | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:43:36 PM |
Are you attracted to females?
Are you simply too young to want a relationship?
Only you know why you are doing this.
Why do you get involved with them in the first place?
Look up avoidant personality disorder also, maybe you have this.
I am not attracted to females
39 years old
I get involved, because I want a relationship
This is a serious problem for me, whatever it is. | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:51:11 PM |
The minute guys lose interest in me, I become really interested
This is common. I think it has something to do with people in general wanting the unattainable. I have heard married people tell me they get hit on more than they did when they were single.
We talked everyday for weeks and spent every available minute of the day spending time talking and emailing together.
This tells me maybe you spend too much time together. Long-distance or not, people need some space. One drawback to long distance relationships is that it takes longer to communicate, even these days. IMs and emails take longer to write than it does to simply speak. Speaking doesn't relay as much as body language. You can spend 2 hours sitting with him offline and more can be exchanged than 12 hours online.
He talked of spending the rest of his life with me, integrating me into his family (he has kids) and helping me get Swedish residency. His kids are excited about me too.
I looked over your profile (nice photos, by the way) and noticed you don't have children. Moving is a big deal. Moving to another country is an even bigger deal, because if things don't work out, the whole residency/work thing can really be a problem (in addition to not knowing the area and not having others to fall back on). Add to this the fact he's a father and you get a very sticky situation. It may turn out really well, yes, but on the other side of the coin, it could leave you alone in a foreign country with no family, only the friends you made since you arrived and questionable employment prospects (since many/all of them are based on residency status).
I personally would tell you to not continue this relationship. Fear of commitment? Can't say with just this relationship to look at. If you weigh the pros and cons of this relationship alone, though, it's kind of delicate.
How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment?
If you consistently find ways to avoid a relationship when there are no logical reasons to do so, if you become more withdrawn the more involved you get and if your first thought when someone brings up marriage is something along the lines of 'oh crap!' then you might be a redneck. Wait. No, you might be afraid of commitment. Yes, much better =^.^= | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:58:52 PM | Lolamac, At least be up front and be honest and say you aren't sure you want anything serious. Some people simply aren't meant to be married. Something many many European men know well, so it's no big deal. Having been raised very much European because of my parents professions, I have no problem with a man who doesn't want to get married. Doesn't mean he is afraid of commitment. Commitment comes in different styles.
~Beth~ | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:58:55 PM | i would be scared of commitment too given the short length of time you have known him and the one time visit. he is pushing too hard too fast.
now, your other past runs from relationships i can't say
but trust your gut. there is a reason. you may not be ready, even though you want one. perhaps your actually wanting one is later, much later.
counseling would be good. sometimes help digging into our behaviors can jump start an understanding. there are some good books on this subject also
in the meantime, don't try to or allow another to move too quickly. date, enjoy, be realistic | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:27:30 PM | I am not attracted to females
39 years old
I get involved, because I want a relationship
This is a serious problem for me, whatever it is.
Yes your third line, "I get involved because I want a relationship". Now you need to determine exactly the kind of relationship you really want at this time of your life. You met him now you are running, should tell you that what you may have imagined isnt what you really may want with this person. You both had high expectations before actually ever meeting. I stopped getting too over infatuated in others on line because the text, phone conversations can have one effect but when you actually spend time and meet in person its a completly different experince. A women I met online a number of years ago I found unnerving when I actually met with her, I couldnt stand to be in a room with her more than a half hours cause she didnt shut up, a chatty kathy type, never a moment to gasp for a breath of air. And a nervous nelly, figiting with everything. These things werent apparent online nor when I spoke to her on her cell phone.
Maybe after finally meeting what you got was something you didnt imagine in your head it was going to be. | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:30:05 PM | OH gee...sounds a lot like me.
I have done the same thing. I think it is because I felt they would lose their "love n touch" for me eventually so I got scared and ran away. Fear that it may not work out. Some say not to let fear stop us from doing things but on the second hand there is this, "but what if ".........getting in the way again. I feel that nowadays, in this day and age, love may not be for real, or, it may not last (but we could make it last if we both work at it.) I have fallen "out of love " too many times in my life time and I was marrried 3 times. The first never does last anyway. (so far as what I have seen) My second was great but I was the one who ran. MY excuse...he worked too too much and in my mind I thought he was seeing someone else..My third hubby died in a vehicle crash but I had second thoughts of him also because he boozed too too much. I had always felt that I was too too insecure to hold my man so I let him go, I ran away.
I have been single since my last hubby died and that was in 1999. I'm still scared to get involved. | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:33:14 PM |
I will discuss this with my therapist.... If you're already in therapy, OP, why would you not have taken this issue up with him/her befo....... :deer:...... nevermind.
Anyway... when was Baden Wurttemburg, Germany, re-located to the Orlando area? | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:56:44 PM |
First, I didn't know how to title this thread...sorry.
I met a nice Swedish guy online at another website. We talked everyday for weeks and spent every available minute of the day spending time talking and emailing together. He talked of spending the rest of his life with me, integrating me into his family (he has kids) and helping me get Swedish residency. His kids are excited about me too.
Later, the guy flew from Sweden to America to spend a week with me in my state....nice, right.
He is very attractive, blond, athletic and nice to boot. Guy X returns home to his country and he continues to talk about him and I everyday... The more he talks about it....the more...I find myself wanting space from him. He writes me on a popular social networking site and he instant messages me too. Things, I used to like a lot before…. I find myself hiding from him and making up stories, why I don't want to talk to him. Now, he is talking about bringing his kids from Sweden to America to visit some local theme parks next year and he has asked me to participate and meet his kids. But, I told him that is too far in advance for me to plan.
I really like him a lot, but something in me makes me want to runaway at the same time from him.
The problem is this has happened to me before... 3 other European guys have traveled to this country to meet me and countless numbers of American guys too. I was also engaged to marry someone and I left him too.
My family always asks me, what I am doing with all the nice guys I meet. I have met a lot too. Ummmmm Do you know what you actually want? LTR without marriage (with) etc
The weird thing is this. – The minute guys lose interest in me, I become really interested.
Do you have any advice??? That's pretty disorder-like. Are you in it just for the "game/buzz/high/" or do you actually want a relationship? Addicted (literally) to drama? | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:18:23 PM | Well to be honest, it's not just commitment you're afraid of. I think the whole situation scares you. Is that a bad thing, no... of course not.
Perhaps you really need to search within yourself and identify what it is you want in a romantic partner/relationship. I think once you can answer that question thoroughly and honestly you'll be more comfortable with the relationship as a whole as well as identifying the things about the relationship that has you raising doubts. | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:34:10 AM | I've committed once and got married and had children and I'm really not sure that I can commit like that again. Heck I haven't even dated anyone yet and I've been divorced for nearly 2 years. I'm really not sure about the whole thing. There is a guy who wants to meet up and he tells me how eventually he would like to settle down and get married again and that he's ok with the fact that I have kids.
Trouble is I'm not looking for a new husband or father and I like my independence so I keep pushing him away.
OP I get the feeling you're similar to me and the funniest part is the guy I mentioned above is also Swedish!! Go figure.  | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:17:07 AM | ^^^^^^^ Give it time, TT... This thread is still young yet! 
Women will be freaking out: "What?! You have guys that fly half-way around the world to meet you, and you toss 'em, and I can't get ONE local to meet, never mind, pay! for coffee??!!   "
And, the guys!: "Oh, Right, OP! Yet ANOTHER female player b*tch ripping up us Nice Guy's, and conning then from around the world ta boot!! "
***  ...  ... Thread Out!  *** | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:03:46 AM | The minute guys lose interest in me, I become really interested.
Do you have any advice???
yes. leave poor ol' Sven alone and go start chasing after guys who don't want you until you can figure out WTH it is you want. | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:28:57 AM | | Maybe you don't want to settle down with a European man.........Date someone local to see if you still run away from commitment.....I think you would have much more in common than someone overseas......by the way, did this Swedish guy have a green card?....... Just asking......................... | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:22:58 AM | Grow up. It is really the best advice you will get. You are leading very nice gentlemen on to spend copious amounts of time and money on you. Your behavior is inexcusable, the way you have described it.
Just break it off. Or, meets his kids, lead him on a little longer, then break it off and disappoint his kids also. You do not have the maturity for the kind of relationship that the Swedish gentleman wants.
In the future do not let these men get so involved as to travel or spend tons of $$$ until you are more certain. There is a word for what you are doing, and it is not a nice one... | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:49:26 AM | I don’t know OP, could be a lot of things as others have suggested but it sounds to me like you crave attention, feed on it’s drama and when the first excitement wanes, create more and bail. You like being chased and even your profile looks like it would be work to get to know you, even your picture are showing your aloofness.
Why you do it? How are we supposed to know? Even this thread is drama creating with people trying to figure you out while you sit back giving only piecemeal info. Aren’t you too old for this “I like to be chased” game? Maybe your question could be answered in a better place than on a dating forum. | |
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| How can you tell, if you are scared of commitment ?
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:50:36 AM | I wanted to add this: All my relationships were normal, before my ex fiance and me broke up. My ex fiance and I broke up 5 years ago. I haven't been able to have a relationship with a man since that relationship. Something is wrong..
I dated another guy in Stockholm, when I lived in Germany and he treated me horrible. He broke up with me via SMS. That guy i really liked a lot. After he broke up with me I traveled to Stockholm 2 times to rekindle things with him. The worse, he treated me the more I liked him.
This other european guy I dated came to Florida to spend a mini vacation with.He really liked me alot and he was in tears, when I told him... I needed some space. I never seen a guy cry before in my face.
What do you think?? Give me your opinion??? What is wrong?? | |
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