| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:03:10 AM | Ok so you go out with a guy/girl for somtime. Then soethings not right between you and before long you find yourself single. So you ask the question did i do something wrong? To the reply no it was nothing you did.
So why don't we just tell the other person were they went wrong? i found myself in this situation and i would much prefered to have been told what i did or did'nt do so i ca learn from my past relationships!!
So can you please tell me your views on this please? | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:16:57 AM | People may be telling you it's not your fault because they don't want to hurt you. What possible good would come of telling you that they don't want a second date because you remind them of their aunt, your teeth are funny, your car is a trash heap, you smell like mold and you wear bad clothing?
The possibility that you would thank them for this information is minute, but the chances you will be upset and offended (and possibly lash out in kind) are far greater.
Social accommodation works. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:19:46 AM | | because you're a doofuss...ok..there..happy? nahhh, jus kiddin....waz is right, sometimes people just don't click...because of this or that...I have found that the best of times were with someone who wanted to date ME...not someone who was "seeing" if we might be compatiable...one of the reasons I don't date a lot....its that old chemistry thing..the attraction is already there...now just seeing if you are on the same page. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:20:13 AM | So why don't we just tell the other person were they went wrong?
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You have to be who you are. To tell you what you did wrong is like telling you what you need to hide better. Be who you are, and find your equal. If you don't like you, why would you think someone who is not your equal would? You will like those who like you. If you don't like those who like you, then you don't like yourself. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:25:03 AM | It's difficult isn't it?
I get that you desire to learn from your mistakes, but becareful that you don't end up losing yourself.
Women tend to do that. We need to be who where are.
Also, would you want to tell someone where they don't measure up?
It's not easy. Who wants to hurt someone? | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:38:17 AM | We call this a soft rejection. It's just soft enough that by the time you realize it, they are long gone, too far away for you to turn around and reject them. That's what they are hopping for, anyway. This is all subconscious, we all do it and learn how to do it when we are children.
Love is war. When the love plane goes down, there is only one parachute... he who rejects first hurts less. Sorry, that's just the way it is. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:44:40 AM | When you have broken up with someone , did you want to tell them why you are breaking up with them? Do you want to be the one in charge to break the news to the guy if say :
He has gas and bad breath constantly and you can't take it anymore?
Or what if you rather go have a root canal than have to have bad, boring,3 minute sex with him one more time?
Or whatever, fill in the blank.
Maybe he doesn't want to tell you, you call and text him too much, or you are insanely jealous, he isn't ready to commit, he thinks your roommate is way hotter than you.
Do you want to hear any of the above? You are already heart broken and you want him to add insult to it?
Sometimes is better Not knowing.Right?
You'll get over faster, if you don't know
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:45:52 AM |
Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
It's 2009 ,
Don't you realize, nothing is anybodys fault ! ... 
and i don't believe it's ACCEPTABLE to tell anybody , anything , at any time !
(you might hurt someones "self - esteem" ya know ! ) ... | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:20:49 PM | This has nothing to do with what year it is. I did that and had it done to me in the mid 1960s and I have no doubt that it has been going on much longer than that.
Within the last year I have rejected and been rejected many times and really the only reason was a lack of a real feeling of connection. But all or most of the reasons given here are valid. All you can do is move on and not think too much on it. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:28:52 PM | Really, what can you learn from it?
The only thing you would learn would be how to proceed if you got into a relationship with that person again - which isn't likely.
The information would have no bearing on any future relationship.
Whatever the 'wrong' is, the right person won't see it as wrong. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:33:00 PM | I think it's really sort of a moot point to "explain" what exactly went wrong. I guess we could get entirely TOO politically correct, create a spreadsheet with what went right and what went wrong and just exchange the document on our way out the door, but does it really matter? If/when one party decides it's over ~ that's that. It's time to move on. What have learned about me through break-ups? Much more than anyone of those formers could tell me, I take it upon myself to educate me about me. There comes a point when we just have to suck up the reality: they just grew out of being into us. Sucks, but it happens. JMO  | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:54:06 PM | You are only going to learn what was wrong from their perception. If they ended it do you really want their perception? They may not even give you the truth because then it is open for discussion, which when ending things is not what a person wants, they want to end it, period.
Would you change something about yourself just to be better suited to them even though they weren't interested in working on something or even communicating that there is an issue? What may of been wrong with that person may be what will be right with another person. The only thing we can work towards is being a better person and being true to ourselves.
The simple fact is you didn't get proper closure, and if you think about that you don't want to be with someone who is not able to do so so that should be all the closure you need. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:01:20 PM | | Well...if you need to be told what you did...or..didnt do...chances are you were not "Genuine" in the relationship...and if you were....there isnt anything to learn...unless you are more comfortable decieving men..into thinking you are someone you arent...why cant women accept that sometimes..a man...makes sure when he makes a decision to stop seeing a women...why do they need closure..to know why...to understand....the way i see it...you dont have to understand...it was his choice...unless...you feel you need to force yourself on men when you are rejected....Welcome..the wonderful thing..called LIFE.... | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:14:55 PM | | I do tell the person when they are wrong or have done something stupid. I just happen to meet the MOFO's who have problems communicating. They either A) Are afraid to speak B) Do not know how to speak C) Run away from the whole situation. I am all about accepting criticisim; but I need to know. I am not "Cleo" and if I did something to offend someone, tell me. I sure tell them!!! | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:19:11 PM |
So can you please tell me your views on this please?
Self-preservation indicates that telling a woman what she did wrong is inviting to a violent/emotional reaction, probable verbal abuse and almost surely a very unpleasant scene.
And she won't listen anyway, so why bother? | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:30:33 PM | | me i am a very introspective dude, so if someone just up and left me, I am going to know why, whether they just got bored or something, i am confident I know what the problem will be especially if it's with me, now on the flipside I'm won't dwell on it if it was them, I will only focus and me and what i did and if I can find no fault with me or what I did, screw what's crawled up their butt, and honestly, i don't need somebody to tell me where things went wrong with me because I will already know. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:19:58 PM | | If they want to know, you can tell them but hopefully not beat then over the head with the information you have because it is only your opinion and what was wrong for you. If they don’t ask, then keep your mouth shut and ask yourself why you feel it’s important to state your opinion. What would be your true motive in telling them? Hmmm, it’s an interesting question when you really break it down and you have to go deeper than “I think I would be helping them”. Sometimes it's just not "right", that doesn't make it wrong and no amount of changing will help if you're only changing for others. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:22:46 PM | If we were together for even a month or two and she ended it without explanation, I would feel frustrated with the lack of communication.
But there may have been reasons that have nothing to do with you – he may have wanted a short-term relationship with someone right from the start. He may have met someone else. Or he may have decided he wasn’t ready to be in a relationsip after all. Maybe he just wanted some steady sex for a while. Or the feeling of connecting with someone, if only temporarily.
It’s only human nature to wonder what happened. And walking away without a word of explanation seems a bit poor to me. I guess he wasn’t comfortable talking about it.
To answer your question – why do people think it’s OK to leave like that? They probably don’t. Maybe they just don’t know how to do it any other way. But really, some things are just completely un-knowable… and this may be one. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:55:58 PM | Chances are, the other person doesn't know any more than you do. They could be telling the truth, as far as they've figured out. You sound as though you believe that although YOU are at a loss, the other person has it all worked out, and knows exactly why you are not to be in their lives anymore. Even if they did the breaking up, it isn't likely they are so insightful so soon.
Mostly, when things go wrong, all we know is that we hurt. We think we will feel better away from the other person, so we leave them. We MIGHT have SOME idea of a thing here or there that was annoying, or upsetting, but unless there was something obvious, such as cheating, or lying, there wont be anything they CAN tell you right away.
Anyway, even if they could tell you, it wouldn't help as much as you think it would. They can say why they don't want to be with you, but if it's because of who you really are, you aren't going to be able to change. They can say that it's because of who they've discovered THEY are, and it wont help you, because there's REALLY nothing you can do about that.
You have to learn about how you feel now, and about what you liked about them, and what you didn't like. You can remember if you argued, or if you had trouble communicating, and you can work on improving your communication skills.
Forget the idea that love is like cooking, or science. You can't learn a formula, follow it, and make everything cook up just right. It's a learn and grow by trial and error system. Best thing to do after a breakup, is focus on your own basic survival, and allow yourself to heal slowly. Find things to do that help you feel good by yourself. Eventually you'll gain the insight you want, to understand what to look for in the next person. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:38:00 PM | Tough call. Why do you want to gravel for someone who gives no reason to end a relationship without first discussing problems. I have had similar times this occur. No advanced warnings, no conversations, just one day she decides she doesnt want a relationship, and runs down a mental checklist why. If I knew she had a check list, I would of wrote down some stuff shes not up to snuff on, lol. Why do people do it, heck if I know, I always thought before things go out of control like this, communications when an incident happens is the time to discuss it, not just end up and quit.
But that is exactly why this sort of relationship isnt a good one, and there is no reason to find out why because the other person just isnt right for you, no reason to find out if you cant ask yourself and answer that question? Can I have done anything different that actually could of made a difference that doesnt go outside ones comfort zone?
I did find my answer with the help of a suggestion and I was told I need a new picker. Yes I wasent picking the right person. She was right, not only was I not picking the right person, it turned out i didnt pick at all, they always came and picked me. Hows that for being lazy and not getting what one wants. Next one will be for me. | |
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| Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault?
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:48:54 PM | | Unless I plan on changing myself, what's the point? He didn't like my hair color or style, I snore, I can't make homemade chicken soup, I suck in bed, I used my teeth, what??? I'm going to keep being me, so his reason for not liking me or us together is going to do nothing but maybe make someone insecure about themselves. What he hates some other man will love, I can only be myself, I don't need a list of why someone not right for me sees wrong with me. | |
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