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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:20:50 AM | Ok, so I read this pretty interesting article by Chelsea Kaplan titled "Think Your Love Life Stinks?" One section of it caught my eye, because I'm finding that more and more people, including myself, are committing this error or taking it to an unrealistic extreme with anything resembling a minor flaw as a so called "Red Flag."
Here's the section of the article:
Unlucky dating pattern #3: Seeking only your one perfect match.
If you tend to dismiss partners when you find something “wrong” with them, you may have a history of letting pickiness overshadow possibilities. “Creating a great relationship is less about finding the right person and more about letting someone be the right person,” Cohen explains. “Every potential partner has great qualities, along with traits that you find unattractive. The more you focus on what you love, or could love, the more you bring those positive qualities forth. The more you zero in on the person’s deficits, the more you bring those forth. Create a fabulous partner by magnifying what is, rather than criticizing what isn’t.”
If you are trying to discern between being “too picky” or simply “selective,” he suggests asking yourself if the trait in your partner that you are questioning is minor or major. Are the other qualities of your partner attractive enough that, on balance, you can overlook it? Or is this trait something that could undermine everything else? It’s also helpful, he says, to look at your patterns over time. “If you have tended to be picky, picky, picky, it may time to be open, open, open,” he says. At the same time, if you have had relationships tank because you were not selective enough, it’s time to exercise some discernment.
You can read the full article here:
http://www.match.com/magazine/article0.aspx?articleid=11380
It's not just this article, but I've believed for quite a while that we live in an age where "Perfection" is crammed down our throats by the media or whatnot so much that a lot of us have become so picky that we let a lot of good people bypass us. Perhaps, this is one of the reasons why singles in America have risen so sharply the last decade or two and why sites like these hardly ever work? | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:09:33 PM | " I HATE SELF HELP BOOKS & red flags are just common sense, if you don't have any there is nothing we can do to help you. Please note I did not read your post, self help & reg flags are enough for me. Sorry but this will be deleted because the majority feel the same as I do."
While I agree that a lot of self help books are common sense to people like you and I who are in our 50's, I disagree that these type books are common sense to people who are just starting out in the dating/relatioship world.
I see the validity in these types of books, because a lot of people ARE very picky, even in their 40's and 50's. And if these type of books were common knowledge, People like me wouldn't have had such a hard time with dating/relationships, when I was in my 20's, and into my early 30's.
There are tons of people who can benefit from these type books. As evidence of that... THEY SELL lol
While I'll read a Driver's License Book, for the state that I just moved to, I won't read a Driver's Book for the state that I'd lived in all of my life, until that point. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:13:22 PM | Heck, YES, I'm 'selective'! And why shouldn't I be? I believe out there somewhere is a man who will meet my needs and desires: Tall, well mannered, mentally/financially stable, sincere, fun, intelligent, common interests/hobbies, average build, honest/moral and willing to give 100% to a relationship; except for height, that's what I'm offering. No, no one is perfect but to accept less that what I want would make both of us unhappy eventually.
LIB | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:15:26 PM | | I do think some take the most minor flaw and blow it out of proportion. Red flags are not stop signs. They signal something to notice and discuss. Have a good conversation with a prospective SO. If you feel good about the explanation, lightbulb moment and subsequent behaviour, then its no longer a red flag and you can move on....hopefully together. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:27:41 PM | If flaws were red-flags, I'd be a nation with more state flags flying than the entire US. I get so sick of all the red-flag labeling. What is an issue for me, might not be for someone else, likewise, what someone finds concerning about me (quirk, issue or whatever) might be someone else's ideal. (Yes, there are the obvious things to be concerned about and aware, but come on ~ we're ALL screwed up/red-flagged in some way.) JMO  | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:29:59 PM | I think the only red flags that are really worth noting are the ones that will affect the dynamics of the relationship...
Repeated comments about your number of opp. sex friends are one. Constantly talking about an ex is another.
That's different than being 'picky' or being stuck on an ideal. And while everyone should pursue what makes them happy.. if there's a laundry-list of 'Must Haves', it narrows the pool, so people just need to be more patient.
I agree with one point, though -- There's no such thing as 'the one' out there. There are just great people with whom you have great chemistry, intellectual connection, and common interests. And I think it's less about searching that out, and more about knowing yourself well enough that you attract and recognize people like that. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:30:12 PM |
Sorry but this will be deleted because the majority feel the same as I do.
Appears you are incorrect, thus far.
Self help books are useful for people who just don't have the tools and know not where to begin.
Red Flags are, in fact, not common sense at all. Red Flags is a warning sign, much like one's gut instinct and some people don't recognize their gut instinct at all.
These people are the ones that lack the aforementioned tools.
OP: I believe it is human nature to want a perfect person; however, we forget two small words to be added to that.........for us (the perfect person for us)
^^BG^^ | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:37:37 PM | Hahaha....it was free article I found on the internet...not a self-help book, and I wouldn't pay for information like that. Also, I never said that I didn't see any red flags. I see quite a bit of them, and, of course, like everyone else, I have my standards as well.
As for being selective...who isn't? I've already admitted being selective. However, is there a fine line between being selective and being way too selective. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:46:33 PM | I define red flags as being something that indicates a personality trait that is a "deal breaker" for me. Things like possessive behavior, not holding their liquor, bad manners, negative outlook. Things that signify that long haul compatibility just isn't there.
A woman might have some things going on that are just a bit "off putting" for me, but I don't call them red flags or react as such. Things like a preference for capri pants, mixed metaphors, bad spelling. These are things that might get on my nerves a bit but aren't red flags because really they aren't key in the pursuit of happiness.
So.... old news. too picky = bad, not picky enough = bad.
balance = good. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:48:46 PM | I noticed in our younger years we are so open when it comes to dating and relationships. Many of us give little thought to character and personality and just go with the flow and the fun of dating and have (possible) serial relationships.
Then the older we get, we get more sure of what we want and want to avoid and we start to develop these standards and lists to which we measure potential dates and suitors. Then we wind up disappointed because few people can measure up to those standards. We grow old, start to get desperate and make mistakes about character and personality because we are unsure what to compromise on or how.
Creating a great relationship is less about finding the right person and more about letting someone be the right person,”....“Every potential partner has great qualities, along with traits that you find unattractive. The more you focus on what you love, or could love, the more you bring those positive qualities forth.... I can agree with this. It makes sense. And it goes along with what I said above. People don't seem to know the diff between 'settle' and 'compromise.' I don't see myself every settling, but I'll sure I'll have to compromise at some point and don't have a problem with it.
I really like self-help books, but I was never interested in self-help dating books. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:53:44 PM | Ok I am working and for fun I check POF, email when its quiet, so will comment on this post.
The self help section of book stores are bigger than the science and thinking person sections. Should be the complete opposite. Having said that, I found a good man when I married years ago and am doing it again now. It was my Dad who told me to be what I seek.
Smart men/women don't want a life partner who is dumb. Someone who is interested in being healthy, mind and body, isn't going to want a partner who is the opposite. Intelligent people also know there is no such thing as perfection.
~Beth~ | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:55:39 PM |
In other word(s): settle.
I was waiting for the "S" word to show up...
Yes, match.com's business is way down, so naturally they're going to start encouraging people to settle because it increases their revenue.  | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:59:10 PM | | The part about LETTING someone be a good mate rather than obsessing about FINDING a good mate..... very good point! I think I need to do that... | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:03:22 PM | Dating patterns? More like Dating flaws. People continuously get involved in relationships without giving themselves much needed time in between because they can't stand to be alone. So instead of trying to understand what happened in a relationship on both sides, they get involved with the next person and dragging their "baggage" with them.
Self-help books only work if the person is willing to look at them objectively and admit that they sometimes make the same mistakes that are spoken of in these books. Some don't need the self help books when they can admit by themselves that they also played a part in the destructions of their relationships.
So, yeah, when people get right with themselves and take responsibility for the things that they do, they can then be picky or selective. These choices can be seen for what they are, as a right to reject who they know is not compatible with them. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:07:32 PM | | I used to be like that but I stopped and I'm much happier now. Its ok to have standards but it's also good to be able to accept a person for who they are and see the good in them even if one or 2 things are off. Seeing the bigger picture is much more fulfilling than dwelling on little details. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:12:31 PM | VERY agree with this article. We just need to see how many people on POF offer an advice to posters to move in (even if there are no significant red flags at all). You need to read all it.
He didn't give me his phone number-- move on he is married. I think he may not necesserily have a land line. Many people do not.
He said he would call on Friday but called on Saturday--move on he is not into you.
She stayed friends with her ex--move on they are still sleeping with each other.
The stories can go onnnnnnnnnnn. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:33:17 PM |
The self help section of book stores are bigger than the science and thinking person sections. Should be the complete opposite. Really? And what's wrong with self-help? Self help is about self-reflection, introspection, and self-improvement. Much easier to do and to read than one on metaphysics, aerodynamics, energy conversion, biochemistry, biotechnology, finite and linear math, electronics, electricity, psychology, sociology, and the like.
Most of us are of average intilligence and this may be over our heads. And for most of us none of this has anything to do with our everyday lives in way that we need to personally know about it. So I am not surprise that the science section isn't just crawling with people like say... the self-help and popular culture section.
As for as the thinking section goes - magazines can make people think, especially puzzles like logic, cryptograms, crosswords and like. And I love pop culture and it's obscure references. You can learn a lot from that and it makes you think too. It is what you make of it. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:34:01 PM | Right, some people are too picky... no one is perfect. Are you perfect?! Just get your life together and then find someone better than you, you can't go wrong.
Some men are very picky too, and only want to go out with a "10"... what they don't realize is that beauty is not everything... just because a person is beautiful and breathing does not mean they are good relationship material.
When I was dating, I would meet woman who where anywhere from a 5.1 to a 10.... and I did... but if their attitude and life was not good/together, I did not care how good they looked. Some guys would cry if they saw some of the women I dropped... there were a couple of real lookers... some that could pose for magazines, one that looked like the star of that movie "Groundhog day", even a pro golfer who looked half her age. But either they had problems, or mutual attraction was not there. Looks fade with age. Personality really is more important, even for guys... some of them are just thick-headed and don't know it. Besides, after you fall in love, your partner will look better than they really are!!.
A lot of people are also on the rebound and not ready for a relationship yet... their radar is on overload, and they see flags that aren't really there.. they are shell-shocked, still reeling from the previous divorce/breakup. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:37:44 PM |
“If you have tended to be picky, picky, picky, it may time to be open, open, open,” he says. At the same time, if you have had relationships tank because you were not selective enough, it’s time to exercise some discernment.  | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:48:22 PM | | I am not picky. I have preferences. I know perfection does not exist and I feel that seeking one who is perfect is a surefire way to end up alone. Of course, it is safer to seek that which will ensure there are no risks to be taken....I wonder how many sub-consciously do that.....a defense mechanism deeply rooted. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:59:16 PM | Most of the relationship books out there are garbage, and will mess you up more than help you... most only contain a few kernels of truth, and by my conservative estimate, are more than 80% wrong. That is scary. However, there are a few good ones out there.
Yes, red flags are common sense... however, people get confused, and tend to over-analyze and rationalize things, and there are a lot of myths out there that get in the way of proper thinking. Moreover, identifying red flags is a skill; because it is a skill, more can be learned. You cannot know too much about relationships.
It also might interest you to know, that women have twice the capacity to pick up on red flags than men do, on average (but like I said, it's a skill, and anyone, including men, can improve)... and being able to decipher red flags is the number-one way to safely navigate relationships and dating... namely to avoid costly mistakes, emotional pain, and rejection. So, it could be said, that women, on average, are better at relationships. Yet, they are the ones who buy most of the relationship books! Anyone see something messed up here?! Life is crazy! | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:05:47 PM | As far as the original post: I think it makes a great deal of sense to focus on letting some one be who they are and open to how they can add to your life. It's been said a lot that negativity breeds negativity and positivity breeds positivity.... So naturally, putting more focus on something that is positive will yield more desirable outcomes.
Some people have commented self help books in this thread, and my take is that it's not all about common sense or common knowledge or lacking tools.... There seems to be a sense of negativity towards it, but reality is you can't knock something that offers growth and challenges your thinking. I'd venture to guess that if the 'non-believers' of self help were to dive into a self help topic they thought they knew everything about, they would inevitably learn so much more. Self help is a huge category with MANY topics and various areas of interest. Keeping an open mind avails you to learning, and enables growth, challenges and new experiences to happen.
I think the same philosophy applies to what the first poster mention of the article. Allow yourself the opportunity to learn enough and accept the good there already is there to see the potential that lies before you. You cannot change, control, divert, manipulate, or construct a perfect mate. To experience a truly authentic and healthy relationship, you need to be able to accept what is. If it's a good partnership, the learning and growing will continue to happen between each other and as the partnership continues, also adding to and enriching each other's life.
But that's my take on this topic.....
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:16:27 PM |
it could be said, that women, on average, are better at relationships. Yet, they are the ones who buy most of the relationship books!
What I see is a correlation.....perhaps women are better at relationships because we work harder on ourselves and on the relationships......
Are women really better at relationships though? I'm not convinced. | |
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| How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:26:58 PM | In that I am not perfect, I don't look for perfection in a partner.
Red flags to me mean proceed with caution, they are not necessarily
"dealbreakers". Anybody can have an off day.
Integrity, the ability/willingness to communicate and balance are the foundation elements in my book. | |
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