| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:38:49 AM | Well the guy i've been with has up and started taking on the roll of the man in my kid's life and he knew from day one that i didn't want that but he told me if i don't feel comfy with this i just need to say so which i have..Well me and my kid's spent thursday and friday at his place and again he take on the man in there life and it makes me feel so guilty...It's nice he accepts them and has from day one but i don't want him to think that i'm looking for daddy because i'm not...How can i tell him that he does not need to take care of them but that i love that he want's to....
This is by far the best relationship i've ever been in....
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:44:01 AM | that's a cause for concern if you've tried to set boundaries around your kids and he's ignoring them. if he's not paying extremely close attention when you discuss behavior around kids, that's a pretty serious communication lapse.
how long have you and this guy been together? just speculation, but you may have brought the kids into the relationship too soon. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:51:04 AM | Let him do it if he wants to.
Its not that much effort for a guy to do those things for your kids,specialy if he likes them and you.It comes naturaly for us...
Dont feel guilty,just enjoy the good times all of you can have together... | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:51:15 AM | This all depends on at least three factors:
1) The extent of their father's role in their lives
2) How long you've been with this man
3) Your commitment -- he and you -- to a lasting relationship
Without that information, any answer could only be speculation.
When you say "taking on the roll of the man in my kid's life," what does that mean? Any man in their life takes on a roll of a man, because he's a man. If he's a good, solid man, they get a good, solid role model. The reverse is also true.
Please clarify what you mean by that, too. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:00:09 PM | I find it hard that you feel guilty about this man being kind to your children...when you have 2 kids...without being married..or with their father....if you are so concerned....keep your family life personal...and..dont bring your children around this guy...unless you intend to marry him.... right now...your teaching your 8year old that it's fine and dandy to make babies out of wedlock....your on a fast track to screwing up your kids permanently... Way to Go  | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:13:14 PM | How can i tell him that he does not need to take care of them but that i love that he want's to....
I think that sounds great just as it is.
Look, hon every parent decides when and if to bring someone they're dating around their children. It's up to you to decide what you think is best for you and your kids, because whatever happens it'll be you that'll deal with any fallout (if there is any).
I raised four kids and was single for most of their childhood and they're all grown. What I decided, well was what I thought was best for all of us. I'd like to say every decision was right, but that's not true. Just realize that you won't always get it right all the time, that's true for those who aren't parents.
If he's doing things for your kids because he wants to and you see no harm, then don't feel bad about it. DO talk to him about it and let him know how you feel.
It's fine to listen to other people's input just realize that it's you that has the responsibility for your decisions.
It could very well be this guy does care about you and your kids. Keep your eyes and mind open if something doesn't feel right, then be concerned. Don't just assume he's looking to step into the role of daddy, the man in your life or any other role.  | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:23:31 PM | WOW aren't you just the ball of judgemeant there...How do you know i had my kid's out of wedlock who's to say i wasn't married to her father but left him for doing drugs and hitting us....Do not judge me.....with my son i was engaged to his father but was cheated on
As for those that asked how long have i been with him it's been a little over 2 months but i've known him for a little over 2 years.... | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:23:57 PM |
How can i tell him that he does not need to take care of them but that i love that he want's to....
OP ... the thing is that he understands that he doesn't need to, but sometimes it is nice if he wants to. I guess I'll preface by saying the initial background items OpenHeart brings up are important - what he is doing does need some background information to gain proper perspective.
However, as a guy on these boards, you start getting sick of the posts by some women that go: "Darn it, I'm an independant woman ... I try to tell the guy that but he doesn't either listen or believe me ... Well, you know what? If you're saying it to him, he won't believe you since it is like the guy that is always saying how tough he is in front of other guys; if a guy has to say it, then it probably means that he isn't it. So what is a gal to do? JUst lead her life as an independent gal and let her actions speak for her.
If you are going over every hour to ask him to take care of the kids, then he may note some dependence on your part. If he's doing acts on his own initiative, then he knows that you are an independent woman - but if you love someone, you understand that they probably appreciate some help from time to time. Besides, he's probably wanting to get to know more about you, and one aspect of that is to interact with her kids.
However, you are the only one who fully knows all of the relevant background information for this situation. I just wanted to throw out if it is due to any independence concerns not to worry. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:49:22 PM | 2 months seems o.k. and you known him for awhile so he must of been around
your kids before. As long as he not taking the role of the authority on your kids
life then i don't see to much of a problem for him to share a bond with them.
i mean they are with you So it kinda of a packaged deal. Sounds like your more
afriad that you don't know where you see yourself in this relationship and fear that
your children will grow a close bond with him Where you are not. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:50:10 PM | So you just expect him to be a third entity in the relationship that does not feel anything towards the two bundles of fluff in your life?
Well, there are plenty of guys out there like that, I suggest you go find them and then realise how great a guy he really is. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:01:09 PM | I think the key to this situation is for you to explore your guilty feeling. In my experience, a feeling of guilt is not a direct emotion at all, it's the result of another actual emotion that you are hiding from yourself, or that you haven't yet recognized. You can explore the guilty feeling by creating statements such as " I don't want him to take care of my children because..." fill in the blank. Or, "I'm afraid that if he spends time with my children, ____will happen, and that will be bad."
Perhaps you simply fear he is trapping you into a more serious relationship than you are ready to commit to, by spending time bonding with the kids. That would be a good reason to restructure things with him, so that he stops being around the kids until you feel that he's the one you want to be with. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:09:19 PM | First you need to decide why you really feel that way. If it is because you are unsure of your commitment to him, then keep the kids out of the picture. It is so unfair for them to get attached and then have you break up (unfair to him, too, if he gets attached to them).
If after 2 years of knowing him and dating for 2 months you feel you are in this for the long haul, allow occasional exposure. I'd say that spending two days as a "family" is probably a bit much since neither you nor him have had a chance to give your feelings the test of some serious time.
He knows you have kids, he's willing to be a part of their lives, and he's an adult. He should be able to understand that your caution about his time with them is for their sake, and you need to promise him that you will let him know when you feel more comfortable increasing the exposure--with his agreement. That is, because there are kids involved, you both need to evaluate and discuss your relationship at various stages more than people without kids involved. "More exposure" might mean, after 6 months (just 4 more months now), you will let him spend a weekend, once a month, with you, or something like that. Discuss specifics before you get to each stage (but just one step at a time; like now, discuss the 6 mo. point, for example).
Make an agreement not to put your mutual attachment ahead of what is best for the kids, and make an agreement to TALK ABOUT IT if either of you feels like the other is pulling back. He may feel that your hesitancy on the togetherness is a reflection of your feelings about him, but you can assure him it is not (if that is true) and remind him, the "family time" needs to be limited until both he and you are more-than-ready for the next stage of the relationships, BECAUSE OF THE KIDS.
Good luck! | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:13:15 PM | I have been following this saga since you bought him lunch and all you knew about him was that he worked with your mother------I believe it is has been roundabout a month or little over a month.
One month does not a great relationship make and already you have involved your children in this "relationship" and stay overs. You should feel guilty, you are going waaaayyyyyy to fast. The reason for this is that you only have one month in and don't know him the way you think you know him. Okay, he is nice but you are not thinking in the long term and your children will get hurt in the process.
Knowing someone as a familiar face for 2 years as opposed to knowing getting to know them personally over more than a month is not the same thing. When you started posting threads about him, you didn't know much about him. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:15:43 PM | Well me and my kid's spent thursday and friday at his place
What role did you expect him to play when you brought your children to spend two days (and night?) at his place? How deeply into the father-figure role did he go? | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:25:52 PM | | He cooked for my oldest fed my 9month old played with them bought them teddy bears and the told me he wanted to put both to bed...I watched him put my oldest to bed and it was just so sweet he read to her tucked her in and gave her a kiss on the head...then he rocked my 9month old to sleep and wouldn't let me get up in the middle of the night when the baby would cry he would rock him back to sleep....The only problem i have is i don't want him thinking that this is the only reason i'm with him i can care for them and have cared for them everyday of there lives.... | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:34:02 PM | I often wonder why I seem to be addicted to the forum, but now at least I partly realize why -- just when I think I've heard it all, here comes another one.
First, you're blowing "hot and cold." You want to set boundaries but then you take your kids to HIS place, and for two days and a night?
Openheart had a good point, as well, if the other fathers of the children are still in their lives, you run the risk of putting these kids in the middle of a situation where their little minds might be confused as to what role each of the men is playing. It doesn't sound like your case because one was a druggie and the other one, I forgot what you said about him.
However, that having been said, kiddies need love and affection. If this guy likes kids, and is good to them, you present that as a problem? 
A problem might arise if you two decide to break up, in which case, you need to explain very carefully what happened. Be careful not to denigrate him -- all the kids understand is that they guy was kind to them. If you commence to denigrating him for other things that the kids don't understand, you run the risk of instilling lack of trust in the little tykes. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:37:09 PM | Sounds like he ignored your boundaries and you let him ignore them. I'd say back up on the relationship- hire babysitters for a while so that your kids don't get more and more attached to him so soon.
On the good side - when you decide he's a long term guy, he seems a decent man for your kids. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:38:26 PM | Why Bother thinking? he seems like a good chap, willing to
be there not just for you but your two young ones as well.
Most man never really take that role and fear it. you should be blessed.
Don't compilcate matters by stress on this. I'm sure he knows that you
play a major role, That why he feel eager to help so he can be a part of it. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:46:49 PM | I noticed you said nothing in reply to my request to know your and this man's intentions toward marriage.
I noticed you did not answer as to extent their father is around.
7 of 10 MARRIAGES fail. That number goes up in MARRIAGES where kids come with one or both people. You're not only not even ENGAGED to be wed but also have only "known" this dude for two months.
Introductions somewhere safe and public by now? Sure. MAYBE. Sleepover? Hell no. Rocking your baby to sleep? Are you that desperate and lonely?
Train wreck waiting to happen. Your guilt is justified and based on something real: a maternal instinct that KNOWS BETTER. Your rush to such depths is extremely likely to cause pain for you and far more importantly the innocent little kids who have no choice in the matter. Period. | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:00:24 PM | | Stay tuned for the next episode of, As The Ghetto Turns. where the father comes out of jail. the new man gets dumped, and the new daddy is born. Whose your daddy? Why its the new stud he's the greatest and I have dated him a whole two months. welcome to hollywood | |
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| I feel guilty
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:00:50 PM | | as a parent myself i totally think you should take a step back,two months isnt long enough to start including your bf into your family life.you need to spend many months getting close and developing a solid relationship with him and be sure this is long term.then you could start spending time all of you together to slowly introduce him into their lives.he is obviously a good guy and is open and willing to accept your children which is great.id bet that if you sat down and explained your reservations he would understand.its not his fault you put him into a situation where he was able to get carried away with the role of "father" .it most likely comes naturally to him and that is a good sign for the future.but for now.explain its gone to fast regarding the children and that youd rather spend more time with him on a personal leval before it moves to this next step.some contact is fine,in which youll have to let him do what comes naturally,but as the mother you need to think about how you can realistically and practically set the boundries-dont put him so deeply into the family situation at this stage and it ceases to be a problem.good luck :) | |
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