| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:21:15 PM | I have not been on long, this time. The first time I was on POF, I really didn't know what I was looking for, I was still so heart broken that I guess I candy coated alot and it worked! I got lots of replies and lots of dates, none very successful though. I really want to be able to date and get to know people but I want to be totally upfront with everything. Is that a turn off for a guy? Should I say less about myself until I hook one?  | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:30:24 PM | Yes, in general it is a turn-off. No one likes it if you completely unload your baggage on the first date; it makes it feel more like a therapy session than a date.
In general, first see if there is any connection over the first few dates. Then if it looks like it will materialize toward something, then go into greater detail. It's all about moderation.
The best of luck to you. | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:39:16 PM | it's o.k. to be upfront. but when you have a shopping list of
items of your likes and what type of man your looking for
it really does not make you look too personable. I read your dislikes
and thought. "jeezs!!! did you miss anything?" I think you covered
Most Of the Male Species here which will = no to lil Response to you.
Try to be a lil more receptive to the the positive qualities you look
for in a guy instead of all the negitive qualities you listed. Also listing
things down a big turn off for most men. | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:39:54 PM | It depends on what you mean by this. TMI can always make a person appear too self-involved. Someone who on a first date, spends the entire time jabbering about their past, or their fears, or national politics for that matter, can be off-putting.
What you DO want to put up front, is anything that you know would be a deal killer for you. This is to save you AND the other person the time and effort of getting to know you, only to find the time was wasted.
You definitely do NOT want to lie. You should leave out anything that requires a long explanation to understand properly, since you don't want either to lead people on who will misunderstand that way, or drive potential matches away who might misunderstand the other way.
Be practical. If you KNOW you aren't attracted to tall people, or short people, or people with mustaches, go ahead and say so.
I'd also give consideration to how you talk about your interests, since I know not going to contact someone who appears to want to do things that I can't join them on.
But again, do NOT lie. | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:48:51 PM | I am a bit confused with the thread title "How to be more approachable without having to lie?"
This makes no sense to me, if you are lying to be approachable the isn't the whole date beginning on a falsehood.
I guess it would help if we knew what you were talking about a bit more. As IGOR states to much TMI isn't good, a lie is just as bad.
I have found the direct approach, of honesty, and well I don't give my life story all at once either it is no one's business but mine.
There is a happy medium I think.
Good luck | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:25:38 PM | Well...looks like it's too late now....nobody will ever know who the real you is.... and i would say....if you have to ask....Yeah...men love when you decieve them...and lie...and candy coat who you are...oh,,,and dont forget....especially when..you want to..."HooK" them...for your own personal gain.... Your a Gem !!!! | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:51:52 PM |
I really want to be able to date and get to know people but I want to be totally upfront with everything. Is that a turn off for a guy? Should I say less about myself until I hook one?
I guess it depends on the kind of man you want.
I will not be "hooked" as you put it until I know everything about someone and find love in full knowledge.
Upfront is required, with me. Lying or hiding the truth is about the biggest turnoff there can possibly be in a woman.
So what is it that you do not want to tell? If it's a huge issue (like you were convicted of manslaughter and did 10 years for killing your boyfriend, for example), it's going to come out eventually. May as well lay it on the line early, IMO.
The truth shall make you free. Do you want a man who loves you for who you are, warts and all, or a man who loves a false image you project? | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:03:44 PM | Any fisherman will tell you...if you want to catch tuna, and cast your net wide, you'll also catch dolphins, and other fish you have to throw back. Its better to be specific, so every catch is a success.
you won't need to date, in order to get to know people. Just listen. As the story goes, God gave you two ears and one mouth, to hear twice as much as you talk. The more you learn to listen...the more you learn. you can get to know people quick, without dating, just by paying attention to their actions--and their talking is an action. | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:06:14 PM |
Should I say less about myself until I hook one?
If you're separated and looking for friends, I don't see how that's "hooking" someone, unless you really want to date. I think you really need to ask yourself if you know what you want this time, it doesn't appear that you do. Just saying...... | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:32:08 PM |
Should I say less about myself until I hook one?
See! I hate people like that. That makes me so mad, it's disrespectful!!!! Wasting someone's time and energy like that. 
Bring your deal breakers to table BEFORE the first meet. Don't waste people's time! | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:24:09 PM | What's the problem? You figured out how to lie and got lots of attention, but none of the relationships lasted very long?
Frankly, that sounds bad, bad, bad, but nobody really blurts out all their f--k-ups on the first date or on a web site. Hopefully, it's not all or nothing ... like you have to lie or you have to dump a bucket of fish guts in their lap. As far as "totally upfront," that sounds too pat for me, like someone who says they're the only honest person in the room (which usually means they think they're the only honest person in the galaxy).
My guess is that you're learning that not every date turns into a relationship. When I was young nobody dated ... so every hook up was successful (to a point) because it was someone you'd known for a while, had the hots for and finally found an opportunity. Here, everything is a blind date. Very different odds. Plenty of Fish has really got a sub-theme: You can't judge a book by its cover. But once you figure that out, what are you going to do? Keep giving it the old college try, I guess. | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:12:15 PM | Just remember who you told what lie to just so that you don't end up lying to "Sam" about what you confessed to "John" about and what you whispered to "Frankie" is what you accidentally told "Michael" to remember when he met you for coffee. | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:47:34 PM | | I would recommend a profile review. It was just a huge turn off period. It has way too many negatives in it. I would ditch the Talmud, or at the very least put it at the end of the profile. First thing I thought is she Jewish? That might be a click move on, because of religious differences. The laundry list doesn't say anything about you and your personality. It isn't about lying vs. not lying, its all in presentation. Your trying to Sell yourself, think of it as a dating resume. Don't lie, if you have trouble have some of your friends help describe you. | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:05:04 PM | | I say do what is natural to you, I think yeah you may overload the average guy with what you have to say, but at the same time the "above" average dude may appreciate it more that you were honest, I say just be selective on what you want to let out the closet, depending on the circumstances, on the other hand if it's really important, the thing you are itching to have out like maybe you were a man like 1o years ago, yeah let him know. lol. | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:13:33 PM | | I do agree that moderation is the key, but then again it depends on the issue, somethings need to be addressed with the utmost of urgency, examples, You have aids, You used to be a man, you are a junky, or a murder as stated above, you catch the drift here. Everyone has some kind of issues lurking and if any of us was to completely unload everything at once, the other person would run like hell. But by no circumstances should you lie about any thing, once caught in even a little white lay, you will never have any kind of credibility. I forone, can not stand to be around anyone who lies. | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:15:01 PM | Totally upfront with everything.
1. marital status
2. # of kids
3. any addictions
4. any health problems
That's all you need to be TOTALLY UP FRONT with anyone.
The rest are events that you lived through. If YOU have a trauma/drama filled life.. maybe you just shouldnt date until you get it resolved.
If you have a particular history that you HAVENT outgrown and put BEHIND You
Maybe you shouldnt date.
Men dont seek out trainwrecks for life-partners.
OR the regular wreck-my-car crowd either.
Say less, but dont NOT disclose pertinent facts that might make a guy go the opposite way.. "Truth will out" as they say | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:21:15 PM | Well, OK, working from the premise that you "hooked them," and then when they found out one or two things about you, the "went south," I'm concluding that what they found out was important enough to make them re-decide. This is from the "lots of dates, none very successful" part of your post.
But, I would be careful in assuming that these relationships went south due to a lie. I mean, it could also have been a truth -- that came out of the experience of being with you. That's the nature of "first meets" or "dates," -- some are not going to be successful.
But, working with the "lie" portion, if a person says that they're separated and just looking for a friend, that can become a "lie" to some folks, because they will read "friend" as someone that they might have some potential to play around with. If you tell them, "nope, being a friend to me means just holding hands and singing Kumbayah," then some men will run to the woods looking for another FWB.
A more serious lie would be, "Separated and looking for a LTR" because some guys will read this as, well, she's looking because the marriage is toast and its only a matter of time before the divorce is final." If that turns out not to be the case, the men will skeedadle and probably feel "cheated" because, working from the premise that you "lied" on your profile, why, that there makes it a lie.
The most sensitive one that I will write about is the case where a woman only has a face pic on the profile, and no information about body type. In that case, some men might take a chance and "go for it." Why, some women even take a picture with another women, and if a guy ain't careful as he reviews the profile, might confuse one woman for the other. In any case, once they meet, he might feel "lied upon" by the fact that the body type that he was expecting was not what's in front of him. But that is not really a lie. It's a case of "information asymmetry" or unequal information held by both parties.
It'll still make men disappear, however.
One other case that I can think of is to put way too many restrictions on the profile, such that a man might think, "Man, she's selective, a real prize if I qualify." But, upon the first meet, he finds that she's not that special after all, just as case of being a prima donna.
Now, mind you, I'm not saying that any of these apply to you. Jes thinking out loud, sitting here on my old orange crate. I painted my ol crate in oak veneer, hoping to pass it off as an antique at the local flea market. Didn't work. Some folks thought I mighta lied about the quality of the ol' orange crate. | |
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| How to be more approachable without having to lie?
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:06:36 PM | | wow -your prfl is a bit much.pics w- guy are a instant turn off.and putting your child for all to see a deal breaker for me.she is to be protected from strangers!and your likes & dislikes -too long (say drama queen all over it) to say the least.pics w-others say u dont have confidence in yourself. | |
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