| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:52:29 PM | Alright so I am finding a vicious pattern that I have been getting into. I have met a few people over the last two years. After about 2-4 weeks everything just goes down the shitter fast. Heres what happens:
I can tell pretty quickly if I am into someone. I am a fairly attractive guy, I have a good sense of humor, and typically get a long well with just about everyone. After I have been seeing the same person and I start to feel that I like them more than just a hook up...I freak out. I start thinking they are not in to me (even though theres really no reason to think that). I lose all of my confidence, and start getting really weird! I start questioning if they are feeling the same way about me, and I know that this is just the totally wrong thing to do. It makes women uncomfortable and I know that I sure as hell wouldn't like it if someone was questioning me too.
I am just starting to get over my latest freak out session and am hoping that I can do it right the next time...but I have done it a couple times now and really hope I can fix it! If not I am doomed to single 3 week stints for life! Ahhh....
Anyways, this is more of me just trying to get some thoughts off of my chest. If you have any advice for me or feedback on why I am doing this or what I can do to change it, I'd really appreciate it. :)
Cheers,
-Drew | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:03:18 PM | Sounds like you have an issue with abandonment for some reason. I would suggest you talk to your doctor and maybe see a therapist. This is probably not something that will go away on it's own and the more women that leave you in the 2 -4 week time frame the more the abandonment issue will become solidified. This problem may only become worse rather than better over time. Try talking to a therapist or doctor to see if it may be a medical cause regarding abandonment issue due to past problems.
Good Luck | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:15:34 PM | see a shrink?! Thats your advice...lol JK. :) You may be right but after this latest one...I think it did kind of solidify my behavior. I know that there is something bizarre that I am doing and that I really don't have to. I am more of a self learner and I think I will try and fix this without medical help first. If I fail again, I will take your advice. Thanks, I do appreciate it!
-Drew | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:48:34 PM | | When you say you start questioning if they are feeling the same way as you, how do you mean? Do you mean you are asking them or are just thinking it and your behaviour changes as a result? I think either way would get uncomfortable for the woman. If you are asking them if they are feeling the same way so early on, then it could be too early for them. Not everyone gets attached at the same rate. Some people rarely get emotionally attached and tend to be seen as afraid of commitment when they just don't bond in the same way that others do. If you aren't asking them but are suddenly starting to behave oddly, then how do you behave? Without knowing what you are doing that freaks the other person out, it's hard to know what to suggest. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:44:52 AM | | Could be you may not be into girls at all....you may truly be into guys....try that for a while...seems you have a fear of girls....their not where you are comfortable....you may try the other gender....and ...surprise...your problems may solve themself...!! | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/8/2009 7:14:38 AM | c'mon now msg.5,,,, there's nothing about this that sounds like he's a switch hitter. why are you going there? he has issues, and in time he'll figure them out, i'm sure but i think your way off. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/8/2009 7:23:52 AM | Self-introspection.
That's what you can do to change it. You have to figure out why you are doing it before you can hope to stop it. You've realized it's a pattern of behavior, which is a good start. Now, keep digging. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/8/2009 7:44:10 AM |
I can tell pretty quickly if I am into someone. I am a fairly attractive guy, I have a good sense of humor, and typically get a long well with just about everyone. After I have been seeing the same person and I start to feel that I like them more than just a hook up...I freak out. I start thinking they are not in to me (even though theres really no reason to think that). I lose all of my confidence, and start getting really weird! I start questioning if they are feeling the same way about me, and I know that this is just the totally wrong thing to do. It makes women uncomfortable and I know that I sure as hell wouldn't like it if someone was questioning me too.
Look at how many times you said "I". You're only taking your own feelings and thoughts into consideration and if the person isn't verbalizing they're on the same page moving at the same speed you derail. It's like you're driving a car at full speed to where you want to go and forgetting you have a passenger.
You have to be willing if you ARE into someone, to learn to let them express their feelings and their thoughts when they feel comfortable doing so and quick thinking just totally about your own. By your own confession you're doing things you wouldn't want done to you.
Noone can tell you specifically how to fix that. I find this ironic "I am a fairly attractive guy, I have a good sense of humor, and typically get a long well with just about everyone." Those I know that think that are self-deluded, you're too focused on what you think about yourself and therefore possibly oblivious to what anyone else may think about you. It's a sign of insecurity, why wouldn't a woman want you, you're all those great things?
At least you've made some solid observations, it's a start. It's your path and you'll have to find it on your own.
Hope that helps. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:45:45 AM | Aside from the good psychological suggestions here, you might also try some other things. One, write out a set of instructional reminders for yourself, to read right before you talk to the girl involved. Remind yourself in the list of the standard mistakes you've figured out. This might help you stop yourself from repeating SOME of them. Two, believe it or not, sometimes diet or vitamin supplements can help reduce panic. Try it, it's cheap, and unlikely to hurt if it doesn't help. Three, every time you feel the nervous fear/panic rising, go and exercise strenuously for a while. This will both help your panic subside, AND make you even more healthy and alluring to the opposite sex. Even if that fails, you'll still benefit from it.
Good luck, and since you are so attractive, please stay away from the women I'm after. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:02:32 PM | Believe me, I'm not expert but here are a couple of thoughts.
1. In a lot of things in my life, I try to go back and objectively review what went wrong and what went right from dating to docking a boat. The other night I was at a club dancing with a very attractive woman. She said "I have to get off the dance floor" Dunce-head here thought she was blowing me off, smiled and walked away. When I thought about it later I realized there was a high probability she wanted to sit somewhere and talk. (yeah, that sounds like ego but when I started thinking about her body language I'm pretty sure she at least wanted to talk).. There are some techniques such as witness conciousness that can help if you can learn them (i'm trying to get a handle on this one myself).
2. Try to break out of your current circle of friends/date sources. One of my wife's friends was a great woman but had a series of lousy relationships. She seemed to be picking the wrong guy all the time. Take a vacation if you can but something to get you out of your normal routine.
3. Two weeks is way too soon into a relationship to put pressure on a woman in my opinion (I know people will disagree here). Relax, Let the force be with you. Perhaps study Zen. I was talking/dancing with someone the other night and about an hour into it she started talking pre-nups etc. WHOA... Most likely it was 'just conversation' but on the other hand, women usually know what they are doing. Heck, all I knew at that point was she was cute, smart and I wanted to talk/dance with her a bit. If I thought she was really being serious I would probably have had a 'sudden emergency'.
Some of the other posters provided some good techniques. I would stay away from therepy except as a last resort.
Good luck | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/8/2009 11:34:59 PM | Guys (and gals), thanks for all the replies and feedback! An update with the latest one...I didn't scare her off! I tried my best to scare her away and she is still talking to me.....after a mental meltdown (a few days afterwards now) I asked her why she I didn't scare her away..she said because she didn't want to have the same knee jerk reaction that I had.
I've never dated someone as mature and insightful as her before...shes 32 and I'm 26. She has two kids but we are waiting for me to meet them until the time is right. I respect so much about her......I have been making a bit of a pros and cons list in my head. I'll write them below. I know this is getting off topic but here goes:
Pros:
1) she is one of the nicest women I have met
2) she is caring, sweet, honest, and open minded. (all of the big traights I have been searching for)
3) I am very physically attracted to her, and our sexual compatibility is very high
4) she is a great mother to her children
Cons:
1) she is a bit older than me (6 years)..not a huge deal but she may be headed down hill physically from here..I have 'pending' dates from girls in their early 20's...maybe I should try one?
2) She has a mustache! (when I kiss her I can feel it, it kinda creeped me out at first! lol) it's not really visible...unless you look hard.
3) her teeth are VERY bad...there's a long back story to her teeth but if I am going to persue a serious relationship, they will need to be fixed...I dont know if I can take her to a work event with that grill.
I might sound shallow but I am being honest with the above. :)
Thanks again all! You did help me thru a hard time!
-Drew | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/9/2009 5:47:48 PM | Cons:
1) she is a bit older than me (6 years)..not a huge deal but she may be headed down hill physically from here..I have 'pending' dates from girls in their early 20's...maybe I should try one?
Yes, shallow much. Bear in mind she's going to be looking for good qualities in you too and shallowness is probably not one of them.
2) She has a mustache! (when I kiss her I can feel it, it kinda creeped me out at first! lol) it's not really visible...unless you look hard.
She's not perfect - most of us are not - she's really better off without someone so judgemental. I can't see this lasting long at all.
3) her teeth are VERY bad...there's a long back story to her teeth but if I am going to persue a serious relationship, they will need to be fixed...I dont know if I can take her to a work event with that grill.
I can see why teeth can be offputting and I have been put off by them before, but honestly you are far too preoccupied by the superficial. It seems to me that you are saying she's a nice person, good in bed, but you are not attracted to her physically. Is there any point going into a serious relationship with the aim of changing the other person's whole appearance? She will be beautiful to someone else and she deserves to be appreciated like that. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/9/2009 6:09:34 PM | I'm happy for you....really. Thing is by posting the pro/con thing...just because she didn't run...it's a distraction from the root issue, which is YOURS.
Do this woman a favor, cut her loose! You're not at all interested or attracted to WHO she is...you're so desperate because she didn't bolt...that speaks to your insecurities.
Get the frig over yourself....that may be the last kiss you may have off this site or anywhere else in a long..........LOOONNNGGG time! | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/9/2009 6:39:57 PM | | I don't think I expressed my feelings right in my last post but it doesn't really matter. I am going to keep being honest and open with her and see where it goes. I am very attracted to her physically and emotionally..so that is not a problem at all. I just might want to help fix a couple things if things do start getting more serious... :) | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/9/2009 6:57:41 PM |
I am very attracted to her physically and emotionally
Yeah right..pfft....fix a couple of things....fix YOU! Ehh...waste of breath...you're SO attractive...frack. Honest...already obvious...you're not with yourself.
I'm so ATTRACTIVE...I'm SO wonderful...there's nothing to fix about her.
You're fixated on the infant, I'd say put on your big boy training pants...but you're already pissing your diapers and run away.
I have raised 4 children, I know the behaviors...it's speaking figuratively...google it, also fixation at a maturation stage. It's not about pissing in your diaper, the behavior is the same.
You run and hide...you're not attracted to her or any other woman physically or emotionally, you're supressing your instincts to run/hide.
There's nothing about her to fix, and given time, she won't fix you either. Noone here can get you past your long time self delusion that you're SO THAT.
She'll figure it ou and drop you like a prom dress....sooner than later.
It's not her it's you...she says while...pissing in the wind! I know enough to DUCK! | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/9/2009 9:11:51 PM |
I know that there is something bizarre that I am doing and that I really don't have to. I am more of a self learner and I think I will try and fix this without medical help first.
Okay, so not only do you have fear of abandonment issues, but you have trust issues. Sorry new chick, but I doubt it's your teeth that are going to put the nail in this coffin. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/9/2009 9:37:18 PM | Seeing a shrink = allowing someone to help you illuminate a dark room in which you blindly stumble.
I love the advice given here.
The only thing I can add is:
Try to interrupt your furrowed thoughts with a series of reality check questions:
e.g. Do I have evidence to support my negative thoughts?
If no, then they are irrational and need not be heeded.
You have to agree with the premise that one chooses one's thoughts, ergo one can choose not to think about the negatives by redirecting one's thoughts to something positive.
It's not easy at first, but it's a good habit that can be developed with practice.
Also keep in mind that actions don't necessarily have to follow feelings; feelings CAN follow actions, so if you consistently *behave* as if you're not freaking out, eventually your thought patterns will align with your behavior
good luck. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/9/2009 10:05:25 PM |
I just might want to help fix a couple things if things do start getting more serious... :)
Forgive me laughing, it isn't at you really, it's just, it's kinda funny to see this from a man, rather than a man complaining about this.
Seeing a shrink = allowing someone to help you illuminate a dark room in which you blindly stumble.
Heh. If it's a good shrink, and they're in short supply IMO. But, fantastic line, and, in this case, I hafta agree.
You already know the problem is internal, and yours. So, what can you do to solve it? Work on you. This may not be best done alone. If you can find a good cognitive therapist, that might be a good person to help you with this. IMO it should be someone who sees the process as a 3-6 month thing, I believe that ought to be enough to teach you some coping tools. If you want to know more about why I feel qualified to think so, please feel free to write me.
...feelings CAN follow actions, so if you consistently *behave* as if you're not freaking out, eventually your thought patterns will align with your behavior
Absolutely true. If you actively make things easier, they eventually get really easier. It works. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/17/2009 3:18:17 AM | Oh my...I seriously laughed when i read:
she is a bit older than me (6 years)..not a huge deal but she may be headed down hill physically from here
LMAO...wow...only got a few good years left before I head downhill too obviously. Not sure what the quality of women is like up there in Idaho, but I've seen women in their 50s and 60s that look better than some in their 20s.
And by all means...date those 20s yr olds that you have 'pending' dates with because you're such a wanted commodity. And just screw the whole lot of them since you're so interested in this other woman you're already screwing.
And hey...all those things you want to 'fix' on her...hey guess what...she got along just fine without you for 32 years of her life, Im sure she'll continue to do well after you're gone.
And you might consider yourself attractive but after reading your posts, you aren't to me. Some men as soon as they open their mouths show how ugly they really are.
The fact that you can f*** this woman but dont believe you can take her out in public because of her 'grill' shows just how low you value her.
But on the bright side, thanks for the reminder as to why I refuse to lower my standards on dating :) | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/17/2009 3:21:04 AM | Bucs
<div class="quote">Yeah right..pfft....fix a couple of things....fix YOU! Ehh...waste of breath...you're SO attractive...frack. Honest...already obvious...you're not with yourself.
That is hilarious and I couldnt have said it better myself.
The OP is lame. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/17/2009 7:05:06 PM | OP, I think you found your match.
You feel secure with her cus the things you listed about her,
in your mind....
will keep her from bailing .
You haven't solved your problem.
Merely found someone compatible to your dysfunction. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/17/2009 7:28:19 PM | Post falls? Ahhhhh.. a Tater-head
That's ok.. you'll grow out of it in about another 15 or so years.. Then they'll last 8 weeks before you mess it up.
It takes time to grow up.
Oh.. My son AND a friend wound up in Post Falls. Great country living.. The lake and the river.. But the snow was a killer for me. I flew there to help my son drive home and we drove home through the worst blizzard in 30 years. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/18/2009 2:07:04 AM | | I have a female friend with the same problem, she just panics when she starts falling for her bf of the moment, and to be honest, she is the friend i have the hardest time giving advice to. In fact i've basically gone with the "whatever makes you happy advice" more often than not lately. I'm totally and completely not an advocate of "shrinks", but you (and my friend) actually might need professional help with overcoming the panic for no reason problem. | |
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| Give it two weeks and I always screw it up!
Posted: 11/18/2009 2:32:47 AM |
I just might want to help fix a couple things if things do start getting more serious...
People aren't houses to fix up and renovate OP. Leave this nice woman alone and find an airhead bimbo to play with. This'll suit your shallow nature better. Cheers. | |
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