| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:32:51 AM | | Hi...as anyone had any experience of living with someone with alcoholism..i dont drink much so i cannot understand the need,the person in question as not drank for over 2yrs,but finds it a struggle..also my freind partner is an ex herion addict...before meeting i would have never had thought in my wildest dreams that i would have had a realationship with a man with such complex addictions..if that comes across as a snob..it is not intended to do...i have respect for anyone overcoming their demons...but do you think such realtionships can survive the urges of their past addictions | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:48:11 AM | Yes and would never go there again.
As far as relapse goes there are better recovery rates for heroin than alcohol, it would appear you can trust a recovering junkie more than an alcoholic | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:54:42 AM | My ex who i split with for the final time 5 weeks ago after 4 years is an alcoholic, his drinking goverened our lives everything revolved around it, him finding money to get drunk, him going out to get drunk, him being drunk, his disturbed sleep because of being drunk, his feeling rough because of being drunk, and then we would start again him finding money to get drunk . . . .
Oops forgot to answer the question, doh! NEVER in a million years would i do it again. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:13:46 AM | | People with addictions in there past are highly likely to continue with addictions, not necessary illegal ones but ones that will affect relationships. I was brought up in an enviroment with an father who was an alcoholic, although he has not drunk for several years the scars on the whole family remain, think very carefully about the effects not just on yourself but everyone else in your life. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 2:26:34 AM |
OP If your partner still finds his addiction a struggle after 2 yrs maybe he has not fully come to terms and accepted his addiction and may still think he can control it which as a recovering alcoholic myself I know is a dangerous ground to be on.
but do you think such realtionships can survive the urges of their past addictions
I think it largely depends on the above however I like to compare it to an ex girlfriend you may still love dearly and are not quite over so are not ready for a new relationship as you're not over the last one.
Imo I think the most important relationship is with yourself in early recovery of any addiction or past issues in a similar way to those who are not over ex's and should not be so selfish as to put their shite on anyone.
Food for thought though, In the same way that people avoid those with an alcoholic past I tend to avoid those who who are co-dependent on them and are drawn in a caring capacity ..........'Carers' also play their part and are as unwell as the alcoholic themselves.
If someone found themselves always being drawn to this type of person or returned to them time after time then maybe they should question themselves and their own self worth/self esteem or indeed co-dependent needs?
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 2:42:26 AM | Codependents mantra. The three C's
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it
Agree with MacForty, anyone that repeatedly hooks up with addicts needs to do some work on themselves | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 4:46:17 AM | I see it from the other angle as my ex went off with an alcoholic she worked with. He holds down a good job though has random alcohol tests at work. He lost his licence for being three times over the limit in April, still drinks. He was a member of swinger groups too and gambled, womanised etc - so addictive personality. He left his wife and 1 year old for my wife and has supervised visits to his child at an access centre. She has been chucked out of his place twice and they have split many times since December. You see, the ex thinks she can fix him, and likes the bad boy image.
Now, you tell me that its good to live a life with an alcoholic - run fast. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:22:08 AM | I have a son who is a heroin addict. He has good and bad spells. I can tell you he has taken me to hell and back and for that reason I would never risk having a relationship with anyone who had ever had an addiction problem.
However, there are people who manage to overcome their addictions. I have a friend who also had a son with a heroin problem and she is now happily married to an ex addict. He has been fine for 15 years and never gone back. So it is possible to overcome it and I take my hat off to anyone who has. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:31:04 AM | Would I have a relationship with someone recovering from an addiction?
I think I'd have to weigh up each situation/person on their own merits.
It's very easy to become an addict (I have a nicotine addiction myself) but very hard to overcome that addiction. I have nothing but admiration for those who do.
As for smack being easier than alcohol to kick? I fear that may be because one of those drugs is so freely available (and a huge part of our societys recreational structure) and the other can be more easily avoided. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:30:44 AM | There is no such thing as an EX addiction. It's always there, waiting to spark to life again.
Was in a relationship with a man who had 14 years sobriety from drugs and alcohol. His pathetic sister thought she was "helping him" by sneaking him drugs and selling him a quick destruction of his life. All the money he gave her helped support her Starbucks habit and kept her in 20 pound containers of York Peppermint Patties.
If you friend wants to stay sober, he's got to completely cut the connection to addiction enabling buddies. My situation was..the dangerous drug dealer was in the family, so any family get to gether gave her the opportunity to make a few bucks and help enslave him further.
Remember this if you remember nothing else. It's not EX. It's in remission. You need to understand that if you choose to remain with him. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:48:52 AM | It's not an easy path.
But yes, it's possible to have a successful long term relationship with someone in recovery. Lots of people do it. I think the answer to your question, however, is more in how you and he will deal with his addiction.
some questions to start with:
How does the addict manage sobriety?
Does he take personal responsibilty to remain sober?
Does he believe he needs to remain sober?
If he does relapse, will he take reponsibilty for that or will he blame outside influences (including you)?
How does he deal with stress?
Are you going to be able to resist the temptation to manage his business and sobriety for him?
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:52:24 AM | | Yes, I've experienced life with people with alcohol addictions and I wouldn't go down that path again in a million years unless they'd been through the AA program and been sober for many, many years. The horrors and misery of living with someone with alcohol addiction are too numerous to mention. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 7:37:38 AM | been there done it and no would not go back.
it was more the lies and the hidding of the booze i found hard to live with when everyone knew he was.
went through cold turkey with him, saw the dt's, mood swings,violence,after 4 years told him would not do it again after suporting him through him coming off the booze for the second time told him there would not be another.
i was supportive, shouted, screamed nothing worked if i ignored him it was i let him drink if i soke to him about his drinking he denied it
after a second time in recovery told him would not be a third again he slipped so i walked out
life is so much better and easier without the added roblems he caused.
clean and sober he was a lovely man drunk he was a not nice person. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 11:16:01 AM | | Personally I think anyone recovering from an addiction, needs to spend time just being themselves without the addiction. Develop an identity of themselves without it, before being in a relationship. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 11:39:45 AM | | It's perfectly possible to be an emotionally healthy and stable ex addict if they have worked through all their issues and done so fully aware of themselves. I'm not sure if there is a 'safe time limit' to when someone moves from recovering to ex, it's different for each individual, but to condemn every ex addict is narrow minded and ignorant. Addiction has many contributary factors so none of us can judge. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 11:43:08 AM |
but do you think such realtionships can survive the urges of their past addictions
It is sometimes the relationship that causes the addiction !
My ex was a lover of cocaine at the weekends, however his come downs during the week were vile, so I started to drink, despite having rarely drunk before, within 2 years I was an alcoholic..
We separated, I drank even more, the I finally cut all ties with him, within 4 months I was sober, and have been since..
I have the occasional drink, but now one glass of wine, as opposed to 3 bottles gets me wasted ..
I could not and would not go out with a heavy drinker, my social circle is now very different to when I was a drinker, and he would not fit in..
I also do not want that temptation in my life, or to be with someone who *Needs* to drink ..
However I would go out with a recovering alcoholic, as long as he had been in recovery for 2 years plus, as he would have fought the vicious demons that in the early years are at times hideous ..
A reformed class A drug user, sorry no way..
Drug addicts and alcoholics are 2 entirely different addictions, and really should not be compared imho
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sjxx
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Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 18 | |
| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 11:58:11 AM | I think that Swan has got it right.
This is not something I tend to shout about but I was addicted to cocaine for about 3 years, taking it every single day. I have been clean since 2005 and I dont believe it affects my life at all today.
I just stopped taking it one day when it became obvious to me and to every one around me that I was out of control, or rather that coke had total control over me.
All my true friends stayed my friends and have never judged me for that time, my family, well they love me and so they too never stood in judgment. The "friends" I did drugs with stopped calling when I stopped snorting and I have never missed them.
Since I gave it up I have had probably 2 serious relationships, one of 2 years and one more recently of just a few months. I was honest and upfront with both guys from the start about my drug abuse because to hide it would suggest I was ashamed of it. I am not ashamed, more disappointed in myself but had either of them judged me then they would not have been men I would have wanted to carry on dating. The relationships both ended for entirely seperate reasons.
I dont think my past addiction makes me less attractive to date. I cant get a date anyway!
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:00:04 PM | I lived with my ex husband for 16 years.....he had a serious addiction
He re-married about 5 years ago......his second wife is now suffering as I did...
Now my kids and her kids have to deal with an addicted dad/step dad | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:21:26 PM | ^^^^^^^^^
Sj good for you hun, I'm an ex addict and I can honestly say I'm a totally different person to who I was years ago because I've done so much work on myself and have faced so many home truths. I also agree with Mac40, it's the enablers who also need to work on themselves too. It's an energetic circle, it takes 2 to break what it takes 2 to make.
Me personally I quite like ex addicts if they've done the work, because they have a wisdom to their own inner workings. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:27:23 PM | POSH SAID:
Address the post not the poster ..
wonder why you would prefer an ex alcoholic to a person who had other substance abuse problems? why do you think they are two different addictions? alcohol is a drug just like heroin or crack, why would you make this distinction? is it because you would be less embarassed to admit to your friends that you were in love with a former heroin or cocaine user? because drinking is perceived as more socially acceptable? i would be interested to hear why you feel this way?
Sorry to disappoint, but I have nothing else that I wish to say ..
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:57:21 PM | Never been in a relationship with someone who had an alcohol addiction but have been out with a couple of people who were heavy gamblers, not that they came with I am a gambler tattooed on their heads, but I couldn't handle it, any of it, more so for other people who were involved more in their lives than I was, in particular one of the person's young kids.
When you see people being let down constantly because of the need for someone to spend every penny they have gambling, well I knew that wasn't the life I wanted for myself and it was hard enough even in the short space of time I was with them. If either of them had even the smallest hint of wanting to change then it might have been different but they didn't, they had no intention of doing so. Not at that time in their lives anyway.
I've also worked with someone who had a previous addiction to just about every class A substance under the sun and hasn't touched drugs in years now, but has replaced that addiction with a gambling one. For anyone out there who is in recovery and who have shared that on here, you have my admiration, because as someone who doesn't have an addiction I truly don't know how tough it must be every single day not to relapse.
I've seen other people battle with it over the years in the work that I did, some of the young people I worked with are dead now, mainly heroin overdoses, it's a horrible drug and where I live, I see people every day who are clearly under the influence, it's a massive market for people at the top of the chain who make money out of it, but it causes untold suffering and misery.
I don't know to be honest if I could have a relationship with someone in the grip of addiction, because that would take priority, if someone had been in recovery a decent length of time I would hope that wouldn't influence how I felt. I think it's only something you could answer when you are presented with the scenario, it's easy to say what you might do, in real terms it could be entirely different. | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 4:39:02 PM | the OT is about living with a partner in recovery...an "ex" addict (I'm with those who feel once an addict, etc) who is not using.
Living with an active substance abuser is hell. And so is living with the active co-dependent who feels they need to manage everything for the addict (active or not).
A recovering addict who is working on their "sh!t" is doing what all of us should be doing, and especially if we think we have nothing to learn about life. They are incredible, admirable people to be around...but it is a struggle for them and you have to be able to understand and allow them to manage themselves. OP, if you even think you will fret over whether or not he's going to be drinking, and that you need to pussyfoot around that possibility all the time, hide bottles, track him down, etc...it won't work.
oh...in case you can't tell...I'm a recovering codependent... | |
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:26:51 PM | Several people didn't answer the original question, including yourself. As I said, I've never been in the position of being in a relationship with someone who had an addiction and was in recovery, only with someone who had addictive behaviour and had no intention.
So until I get to the situation where I meet someone and they tell me they have previously had an addiction, I'm not going to know 100 per cent.
People are individuals and whether they have had a previous addiction may be at the bottom of the list of factors whether you decide to be with someone or stay with someone, there are always other issues to take into consideration.
As I said, you can get people who have an addiction, beat it and get on with life, you get people with addictions who give up one and replace it with another and that I think I would find difficult to cope with. So for example if someone had an alcohol addiction and packed it in and started gambling, I don't think I could cope with that.
The orginal question in the opening post was, have you ever lived with someone who suffered from alcoholism, I said I had never been in a relationship with someone who had an ongoing addiction, but I have lived in the same home as someone who had. So my personal experience isn't one of people in recovery, it's been with people who are still addicted, so for me, I think it's a harder question to answer than for people who have been in relationships with people in recovery.
I would only know 100 per cent if the scenario actually presented itself to me and I would like to think that it wouldn't be an issue, but I really have no idea, it would depend on the person and other everyday factors that also occur when you meet someone, such as, whether they like you, you like them and you actually want to start a relationship in the first place.
Can relationships survive the person's past urges, again it depends on the people involved, the strength of the person in recovery and the support and tolerance the other person in the relationship has.
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| living with a partner with an ex addiction
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:09:45 PM | Duke
Drug addicts and alcoholics are 2 entirely different addictions, and really should not be compared imho
Alcohol is a drug, and far more accessable, not to mention more dangerous to withdraw from than heroin, apart from the fact that one is legal, and one is not I see no difference.
IMHO the addiction becomes the addicts first love and main priority no way would I go into a relationship where I was second to a bottle, spliff or bet. | |
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