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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 2:51:57 AM | We were Old friends. Very close friends. old crushes from college. She got out of an 11 year relationship back in May. We got together in July. She slowly migrated her stuff to my place, and before you know it, she lives here.
I am divorced. I have a 13 yr old daughter and a 3 yr old son. They come with the package. It's a tall order, I know, and she knows it too, but claims to be on board with the idea.
She hasn't worked for 4 or 5 years. Her last 11-year relationship was sad; her guy spent most of his time at work, and to compensate he gave her his credit card and bought her a car so she could occupy herself with driving and shopping sprees in lieu of quality time with him.
So now she moved in with me and still has no job.
I work. But I have a meager income, two kids, and a three-bedroom suite to pay for. So I have also been supporting her. Difference between me and her ex, though, is I actually make time to be with her. It's been great.
I share my roof with her. My soap, my shampoo, my toiletries, my electricity, my heat, my food, my everything. I cook for her. She doesn't cook for me. I take her out to eat. She can't reciprocate financially, but doesn't reciprocate in kind either. But I don't complain or keep tabs on it. I love her.
I have two bathrooms. A masterbedroom bathroom, and a hallway bathroom. SHe sorta claimed the hallway bathroom as her own. She is also suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder. The thought of my 3 year old boy using the same bathroom as her literally scares the daylights out of her.
One day, her worst nightmare came true. She came home to find the toilet plugged. But it was one of those plugs that seemed to unplug itself after one flush. So it was no biggie----- so i thought. We didn't even have to use a plunger. It just went down on its own on the next flush. It didn't even overflow or anything.
But the next morning she woke me up to try to get me to intervene upon the fact that my son was headed to the bathroom to use it again. I ran to intercept him, but it was too late; he had already started to "go." I helped him finish up, I checked the toilet for any messes (there were none), helped him wash his hands, then washed my own. No harm done, right?
Well, it was enough to upset her.
Bottom line, she said there are two bathrooms here, and she didn't want him to use the hallway one (the one she uses mostly). Heck, I am not even "allowed" to use that bathroom either, and it was my home before hers in the first place. But I conceded to that.
And I was apologetic about him using "her" bathroom since I didn't get to intercept him in time. But then she hit a nerve on me when she said she didn't want "everybody" using her bathroom and using up her soap and her toilet paper.
"Her" toilet paper?
Since when do we keep tabs on toilet paper? Well, appearently, since she moved in, I have been providing all the toiletpaper up until this point. She uses so much of it that I had to downgrade my toiletpaper to a less fancy brand because I simply cannot afford to buy the expensive stuff on my sole income. So what does she do? She gets some money from her parents so she can buy her "own" pack of fancy toilet paper, unbeknownst to me.
She leaves "her" fancy toilet paper on the spindle which is community property. But since my son used some of her toilet paper that day, she had a beef with the fact that "her" toilet paper is being used up.
I don't know why, but this really hit a nerve with me. I pay for everything, I do all the cooking, I put gas in her car, I feed her, I let her use all of MY toilet paper, but when it comes down to it, SHE is the one that starts keeping tabs on "Her" toilet paper of all things?
So my things are shared by her and me . But "her" things are just suppossed to be "just hers?"
I dunno why, but that just seeemed SO selfish to me, so I spoke up about it.
She said, "your daughter and I can use the hallway bathroom, so why can't we EQUALIZE it and make it so you and your son use the other bathroom?"
and I retorted back, with a short tongue and an even shorter fuse, after over 4 months of supporting her with STILL no job or any contribution back into our resource pool, I said, "If you want to equalize it, then GET A JOB and BUY your own toilet paper!"
I was mad, and I was probably a jerk, but that's what I said.
I also happened to be on my way out to work, and was late, and didn't have time to properly find a resolution to this fight.
Long story short, I came home to an empty apartment after work:
She had packed ALL her things, and left.
Yet she hangs on to my key, but won't give me a definite answer as to whether we are a couple still or not, saying we need time apart, she needs space, and that she can't guarantee if she'll ever come back. I told her she could leave my key under the matt, but she wants to hang on to it.
I feel like it's not fair to hold on to my key if she's going to move out like that. To me it says she feels like she can move out as she pleases, and then, if she feels good and ready, she can move back in at her will, as she pleases. Is this really fair?
If she is going to be so final about moving out, why not give back the key for now? That way if she doesn't come back, then I have the key already. If she does want to come back later, shouldn't we talk this out TOGETHER and decide then if she should get a key back? Why does SHE get to be the one that dictates when she moves out, and when she moves in, and have the key....and the freedom..... to do so at her sole whim without me being a part of it?
All because I got frustrated because I feel like I'm putting everything I have into the relationship, yet she's keeping tabs on toilet paper when she's not even sharing anything back? I mean, at least if she's going to remain unemployed and use my resources as her own, shouldn't she at LEAST be a little more humble when it comes to my son having used her toilet paper that was on a community spindle? I mean, I could have replaced the used sheets for her by buying a replacement toiletpaper roll or whatever, but it's not about that.....
Why is it that "what's mine is hers, and what's HERS is HERS?"
I've been waiting for MONTHS to finally tell her to get a job without trying to sugarcoat it; I finally say it to her, and what does she do? She leaves!
Should I let it go? Or should I wait with eager anticipation for the day she feels good and ready to come back and horde her toiletpaper stash from me again?
Despite my sarcasm, there, I really do love her. I do. I miss her now as we speak. I just feel like she's being selfish. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just ask for my key back straight out? And move on? Or should I let her keep the key and resign myself to her possible whims that she may or may not return?
What should I do? | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 2:56:19 AM | | I stopped reading about half way through because I could not stop thinking "why they heck did you let this nut case move in with your children?". Hey if you want to play light housekeeping with a nutter fine, but why are you subjecting your children to that? No wonder so many children are so incredibly messed up! | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:04:29 AM | Where's the camera... this is one of those outrageous stories that are told just to see the comical reaction from people is it not?
Seriously... I stopped reading at about the point where she was borrowing money from her parents to buy her own toilet paper because you couldn't support her in the standard she had been accustomed to... I only have one thing to say...
Dude... she left you over a toilet!!!! I don't think she loves you... | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:05:14 AM | Even a better idea. Change the locks on your place. And have an afternoon father son date with your boy. He did you the biggest favor ever.
What women loses it over a toddler using butt wipe. There are alot of great women out there. You deserve better then, princess. Good luck with your choice. | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:11:37 AM | | MOVE ON MY DEAR!!!! IF SHE WANTS TO ACT LIKE THAT THEN SHE DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THAT WAY... FIRST OFF IT'S YOUR PLACE AND SHE SHOULD RESPECT THAT I MEAN I AM A NICE PERSON BUT I WOULD OF TOLD HER SHE COULD TAKE HER TOLIET PAPER AND THE REST OF HER STUFF AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE... YOUR KIDS COME FIRST AND SHE SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT .. AND NO CHILD SHOULD HAVE TO BE TOLD THAT THEY HAVE TO USE ONE CERTAIN BATHROOM ... SHE IS BEING REALLY SELFISH... AND I THINK YOUR DOING WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME AGO .. PUTTING YOUR FOOT DOWN!!!!! | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:18:59 AM | Um, she wasn't anything close to a "concubine." She was a really old friend that I adored and thought we would get along well together. It just got to the point for me where it started to feel like more work on my end and none from hers. She was so fussy about things, which I appreciate, actually, considering I am not as orderly as a person as she was, and I wanted to learn to be more organized and clean.
But I just didn't have enough tolerance for her intolerance especially when it seemed she was taking but not wanting to give back or be flexible with my kids using toilet paper that she left in community property space.
She left because I told her to get a job. I was just tired of giving and her taking without giving back, and then having a problem with my son using "her " bathroom. It was all of our bathroom before she ever came. Since when do you get to move into someone's house and then claim an entire bathroom all to yourself?
For all this rant, in the end, I miss her. | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:23:37 AM | OMG. i can't believe the amount of psychodrama and bullshit people are willing to put up with, all for the sake of "love" and having a relationship, rather than being alone.
BELIEVE ME, being alone is better than arguing with trifling motherf#ckers about toilet paper. c'mon op, think about it. what's it going to be like if you go back to this person and something serious and, err, important happens?
quick, change the locks! | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:28:46 AM | Change the dam locks because that woman is freaking crazy as I stop reading when you said she pack up all her stuff and left. Because that was me I would consider it over and xecond she would have not complain to me about my son using a bathroom in my place.
FYS{ I wouldn't Care If She Had No Place To Go  | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:40:48 AM | She must have been one good--------for you to put up with that sh1t. Literally.
I would live the rest of my life alone first, no------- is THAT good.
I am all for my own bathroom, but come on.
The kid needed to go.
Change your locks. Good riddance to bad rubbish. She is a gold-digging nutjob
Nuff said... | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:46:39 AM |
I mean, I could have replaced the used sheets for her by buying a replacement toiletpaper roll or whatever, but it's not about that.....
No shit?
^^^ hehe... I made a funny....
Dude she's two months out of a LTR and has nfi not only how to take care of herself but doesnt know how to contribute.
You've found yourself a brown eyed Paris Hilton. Every man's fantasy by all accounts.
Good luck with that.
You gotta know its nothing to do with the toilet... she's either confused and needs some space or ... sorry to say... you're her stepping stone onto another sugar daddy unless you're gonna back down on everything.
Look.. Id be more than happy to accomodate someone who was a little OCD... but...
The thought of my 3 year old boy using the same bathroom as her literally scares the daylights out of her.
the next morning she woke me up to try to get me to intervene upon the fact that my son was headed to the bathroom to use it again. I ran to intercept him, but it was too late; he had already started to "go."
Wtf is the kid supposed to do? Piss his pants just cos she doesnt want him in there?
Maybe not wipe his butt?
I work. But I have a meager income, two kids, and a three-bedroom suite to pay for. So I have also been supporting her.
I pay for everything, I do all the cooking, I put gas in her car, I feed her
She's gettin a free ride and then wants to dictate the rules?
Why on earth are you putting up with this crap? Dont tell me... you love her.
*smacks OP upside the head*
Grow some balls man!! sheesh...
Stop letting her dictate and turn the situation around... tell her what you expect and let her make the decision to agree to it.
Tell her if she wants to continue the relationship and she hopes to continue living together ...then fine if you love her... but she needs to sort herself out including at the very least... having a PT job to contribute... otherwise she's free to go.
Give her a date to have the key back or be back in the home and work together on your relationship.
You cant have one with someone who's passive aggressive.
See if she starts being realllllllll nice to you when you do it... to try to change your mind.
You'll find out soon enough if she's that freakin useless... or a manipulator instead of a partner.
You're not being unreasonable... you're being sensible.
If she's not gonna meet you halfway... you're either gonna have to shut up and live with it or learn how to deal with her rather than getting into power struggles.
She's got none... she knows it... only one who doesnt... is you...
She could may very well be scared because she's never been in this position... but its why she's weilding the only thing she has with such force... her affections. Whether she's genuinely upset or not.
And one more thing... tell her community space is just that. Community.
And if she wants to live her little organizing delusion... to pick a cupboard or something, stack her f*cken toilet paper that she's bought with HER money... and go mental rearranging it in her space... but she's not to expect people to live *around* her.
Otherwise... change those locks like everyone's said... and just let her go. | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 4:08:47 AM | Some friendships should never cross over into intimate relationships. This is one of them.
Nowhere in what you post do I see any inclination that you're being unreasonable. SHE is being unreasonable. Leave out the OCD bit and still, she's taking everything but from what you say, giving very little or even nothing at all back.
OK, say she comes back. She's a ticking time bomb. Something else will happen again for her to kick off and leave when something doesn't go her own way.
You say you love her now, but you're only about 4 months into a relationship with her. Can you TRULY see the rest of your life with this woman?. Despite how much you love her, you've raised issues that go beyond the incident that made her walk.
She doesn't reciprocate financially or emotionally, or cook for you...so what exactly does she do?.
For the sake of your kids, I would make sure this woman never comes back to live with you again. Have a relationship with her if you love her that much. But no child, hell person needs to live with that kind of hassle in their life. | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 4:09:42 AM | If it's not clear to you already, this woman whom you adore is one helluva selfish, self-centred and ungrateful individual. If what you are looking for is longterm partner, what exactly do you see in her? I don't get it.
Sorry to say but it's quite obvious that you are like a doormat to her. I could be wrong but once she got a job or find a man who could provide her with premium quality toilet paper, it's when you are out of the picture too.
Now you got 2 options:
1. Change the MAIN ENTRANCE door lock
2. Change the BATHROOM door lock (so that she can have it all by herself whenever she decides to come back one day ...) | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 4:10:42 AM |
Why does SHE get to be the one that dictates ...
Because YOU let her. There is a Good chance that this user/loser "woman" just doesn't respect you. Most of us Prefer a man with a backbone - that means that ALL those little issues you've "complained" about Here you Could have and Should have brought to her attention AND told her at the time: "This is MY House. As long as you're living here, Not paying rent - there are rules: # 1 - You don't "own" Anything here but what you brought in, that means "my" son Can take a crap in whatever toilet is free at the time. You are NOT a princess and won't be treated like one. # 2 - You have ___x___ time to Get a Job and/or find a way to CONTRIBUTE to At Least Your Share of the household expenses - esp the food YOU eat, the hygiene products you use, and yes .. That includes your damned fancy toilet paper." .. Blahblahblah .. and so on .. All those things you Complained about in your OPost Should have been discussed BEFORE you Let Her move in and take over and if Not before - then When the problems arose.
**You are Teaching your Son some serious lessons - Right Now.
**Change your locks.
**You KNEW how she was in a previous relationship - a "Princess". Sure she said that all he gave her was 'stuff' (car, etc) - BUT - She stayed and She Took.
**You KNEW she wasn't employed and you KNEW that she hadn't been for sometime. YOU Should have told her that you Expected her to find work so she can contribute to her own rent and expenses.
You have an opportunity to Learn from this. If you don't - you are doomed to a string of Princess (mentality) women AND you are (YOU) are messing with your childs development.
I can't imagine rushing a child at the toilet .. Can't imagine causing a child that sort of stress or b.s. when they are just trying to take a dam crap .. Ridiculous!
Grow Up
Man Up
Change the frikkin locks.
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 4:21:24 AM |
She hasn't worked for 4 or 5 years. Her last 11-year relationship was sad; her guy spent most of his time at work, and to compensate he gave her his credit card and bought her a car so she could occupy herself with driving and shopping sprees in lieu of quality time with him.
Or the reverse is true.. He was actually working so much ... because she wanted to spend..it.. and maybe.. that kept her happy?
I work. But I have a meager income, two kids, and a three-bedroom suite to pay for. So I have also been supporting her. Difference between me and her ex, though, is I actually make time to be with her. It's been great.
You started doing the same thing.... I wonder if you would of ended up working more.. If she wanted to spend more?... just a thought...
I am divorced. I have a 13 yr old daughter and a 3 yr old son. They come with the package. It's a tall order, I know, and she knows it too, but claims to be on board with the idea.
Dosen't sound like it to me... sounds like your kids.. tiptoed around her.. ..in their own home..
I ran to intercept him, but it was too late; he had already started to "go." I helped him finish up, I checked the toilet for any messes (there were none), helped him wash his hands, then washed my own. No harm done, right?
So the kid is using a toilet.. is he 3?.... and you just rush in?... ... cause she is upset?
how did the son feel?... I get anxious for him just hearing about it...
I've been waiting for MONTHS to finally tell her to get a job without trying to sugarcoat it; I finally say it to her, and what does she do? She leaves!
So I got the impression from your post.. you tiptoed around her.. the kids did.. as in trying to keep her happy.. which did'nt involve being completly honest with how your feeling?... (cause you maybe knew.. she wouldn't handle that conversation too well?
But your resentment eventually came out... completely normal... if you supress.. built up resentments..
{quote]Am I being unreasonable? Should I just ask for my key back straight out? And move on? Or should I let her keep the key and resign myself to her possible whims that she may or may not return?
If you don't ask for your key back.. (again.. not asking for your needs.. etc .. why? scared it might upset her?)... she will walk all over you.. moreso... Unless you make a stand.... it sounds like.. it will always be about her...
fear?.. .. here's the thing.. If she loves you... then there is nothing to fear.. and she would only respect you.. for not putting up with her crap...
You may feel you love her..... ok..
But until your kids are grown up.. none of this about you...
It's about your kids... their home... stability.. feeling at home.. in their little family..
That might suck.. but.. as a parent.. we all go through..
kids come first...
So can they go to the mothers to live?.... cause.. really.. is it fair.. for them to have to deal with an adult.. in their home..
That your having trouble deal with?
they are'nt in love with her.... How can they deal with someone.. at their ages.. if you don't feel you can.. communicate.. simple things.. like how you feel?
Sorry Op.. your hurting.. but.. focus on what's best for your kids..
Dosen't sound like she loves you... to me.. or your kids..
just saying...
peace | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 4:41:52 AM | And I thought I was getting a raw deal when my exes three beautiful kids would fart on my head and crack up laughing day in and day out. Then there's the dreaded submarine surprise waiting for me in the morning. I don't know how I managed...but feck I missed it.
Bottomline: I know its women that seem to say this often, but you are the packaged deal there dude. She knows it. And you know it. Lest anyone forget.
Simple fact is, if she doesn't love your kids enough to share that bathroom, she doesn't love you enough. She just failed all tests and you haven't even progressed to the rigorous part of that exam. Furthering a relationship with her is going to cost you more than you anticipate. I'll bet on it.
Strike when there's still some dignity left. Grab your keys and send her on her way. | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:00:20 AM | Sorry to hear this...but you were very well used. You need to change the lock and move on...this girl has many problems and its not you...be more careful who you call a friend...your children should always come first over anyone...you put your children second place over a mental case...shame on you...you seen so educated to let yourself be used such as this...Children Come First...Think of them NOT HER... | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:04:25 AM |
I like hanging with people who treat each other as equals. Who walk side by side, who are considerate of each other, who communicate with each other, who are not afraid to address sensitive issues in a sensitive way by extending compassion and understanding to each other by listening, truly listening to what the other has to say, and being there for each other when times are rough. Too many times I have made excuses for people with loveless behaviours because they were going through difficult times. But I realize now, especially when it comes to family and even close friends, where you must count on each other to pull through difficult times, the true measure of someone's moral fortitude is when things are toughest; when times are rough, you need to be able to depend on each other and be strongest when times are hard, but also know when to be soft and warm-hearted against a tumultuous harsh world around us. You can always depend on me. I'll always be there for you in a heartbeat.
OP, recognize that .....it is from your profile. This is a pattern for you....that is ok. Demonstrating love is a good quality, it is not a weakness. Sadly, there are those among us who will take you for it and give you nothing in return. I suspect she is yet another one for whom you are making excuses for her loveless behaviours in your mind. Recognize this and change your locks......move on to a new person because this woman is not going to give back anything to you....she is so selfish and self-centred and most definately a princess......of course if you like that kind of woman fine, but I don't really think you do....do you? | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:08:17 AM |
What should I do? YOU should have your head examined! That's exactly what you "should" do.
Pal...this women is not only a psycho...she's EVIL.
My question is: how the hell do say that you love your children in one breath, and then the next say that you love this psycho B1tch who ABUSES your little son????
Please tell me that you are not so ignorant that you can't see that how she was treating your son was EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
She hasn't worked for 4 or 5 years. Her last 11-year relationship was sad; her guy spent most of his time at work, and to compensate he gave her his credit card and bought her a car so she could occupy herself with driving and shopping sprees in lieu of quality time with him. Newsflash babe, but at least 80% of the time when a man spends most of his time at work.....he's doing it to ESCAPE her nagging and unreasonable demands; NOT because he's a neglectful jerk.
So now she moved in with me and still has no job. ENTITLEMENT PRINCESS pal. Pure and simple. Her thinking: Your OTHER kids don't have jobs...why the hell should she!
Look, it sounds to me like you're a very decent guy...with a VERY LARGE BLIND SPOT. This woman IS DANGEROUS. If you can't see it....whewwww, she HATES men (males). Notice how she's willing to tolerate your daughter...but CLAIMS to be terrified of your innocent baby boy?
She is also suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder. The thought of my 3 year old boy using the same bathroom as her literally scares the daylights out of her. That is NOT obsessive/compulsive disorder....that is HATE.
You "SHOULD".....keep this woman as far away from your children as possible.
CHANGE THE LOCKS....and NEVER allow this psycho around your children again! | |
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| A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go?
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:09:57 AM | [I share my roof with her. My soap, my shampoo, my toiletries, my electricity, my heat, my food, my everything. I cook for her. She doesn't cook for me. I take her out to eat. She can't reciprocate financially, but doesn't reciprocate in kind either. But I don't complain or keep tabs on it. I love her.]
And then you contradicted all of that when you told her to get a job. Your resentment would only have gotten worse.
Change the locks. | |
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