| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:01:08 AM | Hi,
I have been married for nearly three years and am looking to file for divorce this week. I have had numerous fights with my wife with regards to her being lazy and not holding her end of the marriage. She spend a great deal of time online (facebook, AOL IM, ect) and has been deleting the history everytime she logs off. She told me that she just doesn't like to have "it" on there.
About a month ago I stumbled across a facebook facebook chat between her and another guy (who happened to be her ex boyfriends brother) I quickly read through it and found out that she added him on facebook in an attempt to relocate her ex-boyfriend Josh. She mentioned that perhaps they could meet up when she goes to college and when asked about how marriage was going for her she described it as "boring".
I didn't say anything to her and have remained silent. In the mean time I have enabled myself to track and review everything she does. She continues to add random guys on facebook who she believes know her ex. She explains who she is and if they know how to get in touch with him. The message the other day asked the brother "if he has heard back from Joshua". (I don't know what she was trying to hear back on)
I have not said anything to her because if I tell her, she will get defensive and only hide any negative intentions she has. It is clear what she is trying to set up and I wasn't pleased with her as a wife to begin with.
I love this women to death. I have a big heart and desire to have the "ideal marriage". I feel that this may no longer be a possibility with her as my wife. I may be hoping for something that will not happen. We have a one year old son who I adore, I fear losing him.
What should I do? Judging from what you read, do you believe that divorce will be inevitable? We are both young, 24 and 20. I do not believe I can trust her any longer after seeing her sneaky ways. We have spoke about divorce and we both agree to split everything up evenly.
Honest opinions would be appreciated. If you feel that I should file for divorce, any tips on how to present her with it?
Thanks in advance! | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:04:41 AM | Sweetie...
If you're here then it seems like you've already made your mind up.
If you've already talked about it with her, then being straight up honest and saying that you're done is the only way to handle it. There's no "presenting" that needs to be done. She sounds like she's moving on and so are you. And if you have to worry about your wife cheating and sneak behind her...that's not love. Nor is it a marriage of any kind at all. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:09:28 AM | | Just file and the breif gets paid to issue her with the papers, it's simple she is not in love with you, won't work, just move on............. fight tooth and nail to keep the kid just do the usual say she is a coke head and out seeing other men all the time and you fear for the kid and at least you'll get the kid half and half that way, in divorce it's all out war, get your first salvo in now, she will allready be working on it trust me and she will have support groups and her friends around her in a flash, before you know it the cops will be calling cause she claimed you did x y and z | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:11:17 AM | what should I do? Judging from what you read, do you believe that divorce will be inevitable? We are both young, 24 and 20. I do not believe I can trust her any longer after seeing her sneaky ways. We have spoke about divorce and we both agree to split everything up evenly.
Man your already getting your divorce, what do you mean what should you do? you talked about it. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:15:58 AM |
I have not said anything to her because if I tell her, she will get defensive and only hide any negative intentions she has. It is clear what she is trying to set up and I wasn't pleased with her as a wife to begin with.
I love this women to death. I have a big heart and desire to have the "ideal marriage". I feel that this may no longer be a possibility with her as my wife. I may be hoping for something that will not happen. We have a one year old son who I adore, I fear losing him.
There are too many contradictions in how you speak about your wife to even address.
If you both have decided to divorce, then noone can change that. It's obvious you have huge problems communicating. If you want to try to salvage this relationship, you will need an intermediary...counselor, clergy, just NO friends or family that'll just muddy the waters.
Couples can save relationships, if both are committed to it. You can both learn to communicate in a non-threatening way and discuss disagreements without just tearing each other down. If you don't both seek out someone neutral to teach you relationship skills and aren't committed to learning and practicing them, then you will probably be divorced. Age has nothing to do with it, my son and his wife were 21 and 19 when they got married and celebrated their 8th anniversary this year.
It's up to you both, don't focus on what she's doing, concentrate on what you do and show that you're committed to working this out and trying to save this relationship. You're going to need help. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:17:13 AM | | What do you love about her.....your not making sense...you werent pleased with her as a wife to begin with....she is lazy...but you say you love her to death....your just a few years out of being a teenager....if you felt you were old enough to get married...you should be old enough to make your own decisions....you made your bed...lay in it...this is the life you chose...what you see now...is how the rest of your life with her will be.....but then...you knew that before you married her...right..? | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:17:18 AM | It's obvious she is not happy
Just move on, file for the divorce
If you are looking to salvage the relationship, I would suggest marriage counseling. In the mean time, watch a movie together called "Fireproof". It is excellent! | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:20:32 AM | | Well your both young. But you also have a child. You once did want each other enough to date, have sex, fall in love and get married. Its possible the spark got removed somewhere along the way. Possibly consider if your both mature enough to talk with a marrage counclor before scrapping the marrage. It can be worth the effort to understand the dynamic of the relationship and what each of you both want and if being a couple can bring that about. I would first try that before divorcing. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:25:51 AM | | I hate to say it but hairybear is probably right and since there is absolutely no trust here, the relationship sounds doomed. She sneaks behind his back trying to find an old lover and he sneaks behind her back watching everything she's messaging with a keystroke logger and on POF to seek out his options. This is a no-win situation with a 1 year old infant who's going to be fought over. Very sad situation. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:31:57 AM | Damn, so young to be married, and well on the way to being just another statistic. I was one of those statistics once, married just shy of turning 21 with a baby on the way. Then was dumb enough to marry a much younger woman later in my life, one who started the whole playing around online thing, which only made me a statistic again.
OP, you "stumbled" across the fact that she was erasing her internet history. Now you've "enabled" a way to follow her online, using a keylogger I suspect. Point being, she is acting dishonest, sneaky and suspicious, but so are you. Take it from someone who's been there; talk to her, tell her what you've found and find out if she wants to keep the marriage alive or not, not for the sake of your child but because you still love each other. Then and only then can you make an informed decision whether or not its worth salvaging. Given what you've said it probably isn't, but at least then you can move forward, a little sadder but wiser, and knowing you tried to do the right thing. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:34:26 AM | | gees no way a woman just admitted I'm right get me a camera quick I so got to get a snap shot of that.........oh yes bit dramatic........... when you cannot trust her at all, you have caught her out she admits it, you both want divircee just call it a day, nobody can change two peoples minds, one maybe but two no, get yourself protected now, time is short, get legal advice and see where you stand maybe you can do it clean, but it does not happen often, she is off to college and where is that??? what state???? and who will support the child then, I can smell a big chunk of your wage going awol on child maintenance/ keeping her while she scr_ws her ex and gets a degree. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:37:51 AM |
I have been married for nearly three years and am looking to file for divorce this week.
...I wasn't pleased with her as a wife to begin with.
We have spoke about divorce and we both agree to split everything up evenly.
I'd have said to try joint counseling first, but it appears that this is already quite settled.
Custody remains an open question. If you want your son full-time, that is not impossible. Though the mother still tends to be favored as the custodial parent, it is no longer the near-automatic decision that it used to be. You may wish to give that some thought and decide exactly what you want in terms of custody so that you can tell your attorney clearly what you will be seeking.
And if you're going to stay on here (which I don't recommend just from a legal standpoint, never mind other considerations), stop lying - change your profile from "Single" to "Married." | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:39:44 AM | Sounds like BOTH of you are deeply unhappy and you need help to see if your marriage is salvagable or not, go to a counselling agency and spend some time working out what you both need, if nothing else it will mean you can end your marriage on adequate terms to ensure your child does not suffer. There will be no easy solution, a marriage takes a lot of work and needs input from BOTH partners.
Havent checked your profile but maybe a dating site is not the best place to be? | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:44:29 AM | facebook, facebook, facebook. It's always facebook.
The two of you should agree to just unplug the computer for a month. NO computer access for a whole month. Then play together. Go out and play, stay home and play. Together. See how that goes. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:50:14 AM | Children 'playing house' often end up like this. It's too bad an innocent child is going to have to deal with both of your immaturity. Stalking her online to gather evidence instead of talking to this woman you 'love'. Wifey already finds marriage 'boring' (what did she expect? Marriage is work child), I think you're both screwed and immature twits. I think you should cancel the internet and go into counselling and try to save this marriage instead of tossing it in the trash.
I feel bad for the kid.
(EDIT) I like the advice below about talking with a caring relative. That's a good idea! | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:52:13 AM |
I say break it off clean and divorce her.
At least you don't have kids. Ahhhhh, I believe that he clearly stated:
We have a one year old son who I adore, I fear losing him.
So, by my calculations, she was 17 and pregnant when you married her at age 21. Right?
Unfortunately, I don't think that "marriage counseling " is really going to help here, because I don't see this as a "marital" problem, but as a "maturity" problem.
She simply hadn't finished growing up before she started "playing house" full time.
I definitely believe that's she's not mature enough for marriage, and while you seem....mature enough to deal with a more "normal" or "traditional" starting off life marriage, you may not be ready to tackle this one either.
My advice would be: Talk to an older relative. Someone who knows and cares about BOTH of you, and who is realistic. My biggest concern (as is also your priority) is your 1 yr old son. I doubt that either of you is ready to raise a child without some major support from family. (not necessarily financial, but emotional and child care). I truly believe that this issue needs to be addressed.....the sooner, the better. Divorce may or may not be the final best solution, but it's certainly looking like a good possibility. IF you go that way however, it's still entirely possible to raise your son jointly without any animosity toward each other.
It seems pretty obvious that she's not ready to BE a wife and mother. Loving your child, is not necessarily the same thing as being able to nurture and raise that child. Don't let this situation continue until she's found "Josh". By that time, she would have hurt you and your relationship in ways that may never be fixable.
Believe me, I am usually all for giving people enough rope to hang themselves, but something here just strikes me that what we're really talking about is a "child"...meaning your 20 yr old wife.
Talk to an older relative you trust (yours OR hers) and Good Luck to you....I hope everything works out. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:58:36 AM |
What should I do? Judging from what you read, do you believe that divorce will be inevitable? We are both young, 24 and 20. I do not believe I can trust her any longer after seeing her sneaky ways. We have spoke about divorce and we both agree to split everything up evenly.
I’m not condoning her behavior, but you’ve got some “sneaky ways” going on yourself, Mr. Righteous, by covertly tracking and reviewing everything your wife does. Oh, and let’s not forget you’ve joined a DATING site and are listing yourself as “Single” and looking for women to “hang out” with.
IF you are truly sincere about loving your wife and wanting to keep your family together, then delete your account on here and have your wife unplug her computer, as well. Next, get yourself to some professional marriage counseling. Both of you need to grow the fvck up. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:43:09 AM | Thank you for the honest reply. I do love her, it is possible to love someone but not want to be married to them! I am ready for the divorce, I just worry about her. There will not be a fight, we were having trouble last year and discussed it with each other. I want to divorce but don't want to jump into something I may regret later. I want to make sure that I am doing it for the right reasons.
No, I do not trust her. I don't know if I can. I may have to break it off, it will be the ultimate result either way. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:46:14 AM | Like the very wise Frau stated, you've already posted a profile, lying about being 'single', and already looking for a woman.
GROW UP AND STOP BEING SO SELFISH. Don't inflict your drama on an unsuspecting woman. She may be a sneaky liar, but so are you. You're far from 'single' - you still have a WIFE. So convenient to forget your commitments, isn't it? It's all about you! Disgusting and pathetic. I hope karma slaps you both (but now I'm starting to rethink your story about your wife - are you just searching for excuses? Wouldn't put it past a 'man' like you) | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:52:08 AM | Oddly enough, I didn't join this site for dating. I just wanted opinions and joined for that reason alone. If I came onto this site to meet someone I would have posted a picture.
I did not instal a key logger to be sneaky, I wanted to get a good idea of what she is up to before I make my judgement. If I would have brought it up to her she would have covered her steps and I would have no way of finding out her intentions if she were to want to do something.
Safe to say, it's probably over. Our son will be fine. We are both friends and will continue to be so. We just may not be right for each other.
Thank you for all the replies. Some were harsh, some spoke out their ass, and others had useful advice while combining the two. You all did a fine job writing your post based on the information I gave you. To give you the full background it would have taken forever.
Thank you all. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:54:31 AM | Pfft, okay junior. So your profile is listed as single by itself? Wow! It's haunted or something!
I somehow think that your son is in for a lot of grief thanks to his immature, shortsighted, selfish parents. I feel bad for him. I hope he has good grandparents at least.
Unplug your computer and communicate with your WIFE (remember her?) Make an effort before calling it a day. | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:59:16 AM | Hmmm you have a one year old kid and you want a divorce. DON'T DO IT. I was married 2 times with 3 YOUNG kids. By the time those kids were adults they didn't want much to do with me. Even thou I did my best to provide and support them I was a stranger to them. They thought more of their step dads than me. Thats because their step dads were there and I wasn't. Also because their mothers did a damn fine job of bad mouthing me to the kids any chance they got.
Had I stuck around at least until the kids were teenagers I think things would of been different. It sounds like your wife has the same traits mine did. Don't think for a minute she won't try every rotten underhanded ploy to get you out of your kids life when the new man arrives. So suck it up and stay the cource. You don't want some *sshole raising your kid do ya??? Cheer up!! it only hurts for 10-20 years ya know  | |
|
| |
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 10:16:03 AM | | If you are indeed married, what in the hell are you doing on here? | |
|
| Should I get divorced?
Posted: 11/8/2009 10:33:54 AM | UGH!!! I really hate it when people get married too young, get pregnant too young, drag a child through mess after cheating mess and treat each other like chit. Why are you married and why did you have a child, and why are you listed as single when you are not only married but living with your wife as a husband, saying you love her to death no less!
Normally I'd say get a divorce but you brought a child into this so you made your bed, now clean up the mess you've made of it. Stop trying to date, stop pretending to be single...you know, stop all your lying and stop blaming your wife for all your problems and stop pretending to love her while you make her out to be a cheating, lying scumbag, she's doing the same things you are. Start by telling her the truth about what you know, go to counselling, realize you both made a baby you both need to love and raise and if you end up in divorce, take responsibility for your part of it and don't end up in the same place again. AND learn how birth control works and use it until you are old enough and wise enough to be a father & husband. | |
|
Home
login 
