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 AUTHOR
Do me pleasePage 1 of 1    
Haven't been getting the quality I need. I put some more effort into it this time and am feeling I may have gotten the message right this time. So it's time for the reality check, lol

So feel free to set me straight. This is always an eye opener!

J
 Charmzilla
Joined: 11/7/2009
Msg: 2
Do me please
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:10:25 AM
I'm not going to say anything about photos, I think people put up what they want to put up. Somebody else can tell you that stuff. Women might have better ideas.

Just a couple of things. Take your two opening paragraphs and move them to the end. The start of your profile needs to have some zip, the best or most interesting of your personal information and a hook that will keep women reading. You open your profile with some "reflective" thoughts, which may compartmentalize much better for you after someone has a better picture of who you are. So, my advice is to move those first two small paragraphs to the end of the profile. You run the risk of losing some readers right off the bat.

This won't be popular advice either, and others will say I'm wrong, but after the Desperate Housewives comment I think you should lose the "lol". I give you credit for only having a single use of it in your entire profile, but these human advertisements we write for ourselves can be edited and re-edited as much as we want. The "lol" is fine in informal e-mails and messenger chats, but I think smart people know when you're making a joke and where they should laugh. Actually, this may be more of a pet peeve of mine than actual advice :)

Finally, it says you're an Engineer. Although a career doesn't define you, you should take your best selling points and find a way to reference them.

Good luck.
 EclecticJoy
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 3
Do me please
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:44:59 AM
Hey PICW,

Great profile and very well-written! I enjoyed reading it.

I agree with Charmzilla about moving the first two paragraphs down towards the end . . . probably, right before your current last paragraph. Perhaps, begin your profile with your "Humor is..." paragraph.

Speaking of that first paragraph, please insert an "n" in "may keys".
Also, it's not necessary to divulge that you have facial hair; your photos depict that.

Regarding your "family and friends" paragraph. Perhaps, you could rewrite the 2nd sentence. I definitely hear what you're saying: that your kids are important; but so will the lady in your life be, as well. A rewrite that is "timeless" would probably be less confusing.


Your profile shows that you have put some time and effort into writing it; kudos to you for that!
~Joy
 starrynu
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 4
Do me please
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:59:20 AM
I'd delete first 2 paragraphs as blandly self evident.
"Partner in Crime"--this must be tabled, it's so last century. Also--"it's all good" . Use your own words.
Better pics. Maybe trim hair/facial hair, as it's not a mainstream like.
Fix typos, sentence fragments.
Switch to 'dating,' as you implied in the text body.
Your type?
Best of luck.
Do me please
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:42:32 PM
Thanks!

Made the swaps and fixes recommended. I actually liked the flow better before but I'm not the one that matters so that's that.

I will most likely re-write that f/f again when I haven't had such a long day but I think I captured what Joy was suggesting.

Anyone else?

J
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Do me please
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:53:27 PM
Just understand that because you sm0ke, will eliminate a good percentile of women contacting you.
 xvermonter
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 7
Do me please
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:22:32 PM
When I first started reading your profile, I thought it may be a little "out there" but soon thereafter I started to "get it". It's one of a kind, that's for sure! I really like it. Photos are great. BTW, you look vaguely familiar. Did I see you at Swami's once drinking a smoothie? lol (I used to live in Encinitas). Best of luck! XV
 EclecticJoy
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 8
Do me please
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:41:27 PM
Good revision, PICW!

Oh . . .

Family and friends are important. My 3 girls are growing up and with a united approach with my ex they are turning out to be well rounded young adults that make me proud. I enjoy that male bonding time and chasing tuna up and down the coast or wrenching on my latest automotive or household project is part of that.


For smoother reading, change the first part of the sentence, "I enjoy..." to read:
"I also enjoy (delete 'that') male bonding time with my friends" (or similar wording).

Inserting "also" will help bridge the reader from one thought (about your girls) to a completely separate and different thought (about your friends).
Do me please
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:07:34 PM
Thanks Joy for stickin' with me! And everyone else for the help.

I suspect that being a smoker would eliminate anyone that didn't want to be with a smoker, so what? We all have deal breaker issues and the "advanced search" offers options to filter out us evil smokers or in my case filter FOR them.... along with all the other cool stuff to help us find better matches.

Only place in Ensanitas that I frequent is the "beach house". Great sunsets with the surfers catching the end of the break before the night calm... food sucks but the deserts are great!

Any other feedback on the page is welcome.
J
 Charmzilla
Joined: 11/7/2009
Msg: 10
Do me please
Posted: 11/12/2009 12:11:56 AM
Good response. Whether you smoke or not is completely irrelevant to a profile review. Had you said "quantity" in your original post, then maybe. But you didn't. It's like telling someone the problem with their profile is their body type is a "few extra pounds."
 Browngreeneyes
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 11
Do me please
Posted: 11/12/2009 1:19:53 AM
Speaking of a 'few extra pounds' I'd say change your profile to that.

You are a little more than average in weight.

Honesty is the best policy.
Do me please
Posted: 11/12/2009 6:12:19 AM
Body type: I listed a few extra pounds for over a year and was told by 6 women that wasn't right for me. My build is "stocky" but not "athletic". I work out rarely and play sports infrequently yet I bench press over my body weight and my fore arms are thicker than most guys biceps.

My tendency is to drop my shoulders so I'm not intimidating as is evident in the pics. I get called a teddy bear a lot by women that get to know me. Funny the men don't see that side.

I've asked people for years what to put in this. 7 of ten say stocky but never is it an actual choice. I ramble off what the choices are and go with the consensus.

Maybe I'm better off putting a few extra and hearing I should change it if I give off the vibe that I'm pretending to be something I'm not. Misrepresentation of material goods just isn't for me.

J
 terbear1234
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 13
Do me please
Posted: 12/7/2009 1:06:06 PM
Keep in mind, there is only one review per person, so whenever you change your profile and want a new review, post a new comment on this thread. It will bump you to the top of the list so you can get more reviews.
 asmith1218
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Do me please
Posted: 7/16/2013 7:08:26 PM
Hello, how you doing tonight? I'm Andrew and I'm just hanging out trying to meet new people around my hood. I'm still preaty new around here and getting to know people around here. You seem preaty cool. I really could need someone nice to talk to and get to know. So chat back if you want my number.
 asmith1218
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Do me please
Posted: 7/16/2013 7:10:48 PM
Hello, how you doing tonight? I'm Andrew and I'm just hanging out trying to meet new people around my hood. I'm still preaty new around here and getting to know people around here. You seem preaty cool. I really could need someone nice to talk to and get to know. So chat back if you want my number.
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