| | on-again, off-again Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | I just found out that my 34 year old boyfriend made a pass on a 21 year old girl right before getting back together with me (they were drinking together alone after an event and kissing, but she decided to go home). I realize that he didn't cheat because we were definitely broken up at the time, but the whole thing still makes me feel icky. It makes me less attracted to him, and makes it difficult for me to open my heart up to him again.
Should I just try to get over it? Should I be worried about what this says about our relationship? Should I talk to him more about it? | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:04:05 PM |
he didn't cheat because we were definitely broken up at the time, but the whole thing still makes me feel icky. It makes me less attracted to him, and makes it difficult for me to open my heart up to him again.
Should I just try to get over it? Should I be worried about what this says about our relationship? Should I talk to him more about it?
For the most part, what one does with their personal life (outside a committed relationship) is really none of your business. Unless the lifestyle itself makes you unattracted to him.
Why would you feel any more affected by that than by what he did prior to your initial relationship. The problem with people in these "on again, off again" relationships is that the breaking up become more of a manipulative tool than a true ending of the relationship. If your breaking up to "make a point" then that is where the problem is. Not what is happening during the break up.
And...No...you should not make issue of what he did when you weren't together. What the two of you should do is "sh1t or get off the pot" instead of playing games. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:08:07 PM | OP- GET over it...you weren't together.
Who would have thought drinking alone with a 21 yr old would lead to kissing. Its like walking into the ocean and not expecting to get wet...then again...you weren't together, so as long as he wasn't unfaithful before then you shouldn't be bothered.
Although it would have probably been better if he did the deed with her, because after listening to a 21 yr old after secks he would probably appreciate someone a little older (i'm assuming you're older) | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:27:20 PM | Sounds like you're looking for a reason to dump him again. Make up your mind: starting from RIGHT NOW, do you want to try to make things work with this guy? If yes, then FORGET THE PAST. Start at now, and go forward. If no, then problem solved...dump him and move on.
Unless you are a drama addict? I've run into a few of those, men and women both. They go into shaky relationships, on purpose, so that they can constantly fuss and worry. They are hooked on the brain chemicals that come from worrying, just as some others are hooked on being infatuated(and so they leave every relationship after the initial love buzz wears off). If you're one of those, I can't help you. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:29:23 PM | | you're all assuming I dumped him. Not the case. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:30:42 PM | | It wasn't my idea to get together again either. I never wanted to be broken up in the first place, so I took him back to try again. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:39:57 PM | Sure - mention it to him every chance you get. Smite the smooch out of him. That'll surely win him over. Obsessing over something you have no control over, something you can't change, and something that didn't happen while you were committed to each other in a monogomous manner isn't healthy, and it's going to do you a bit of good.
So, he left you, came back, left you, came back... Sounds to me like he's not as serious about this relationship as you are - maybe keeping his options open. You need to explore and figure out *his* reality -vs- *your* reality. Chances are, they are not the same. Schmoozing you enough that he can do what he wants and knows that his faithful lapdog will be there to pat him on the head - that's always top of the 'necessary ingredients' list when it comes to building a cherished long-term relationship...
My concern isn't the fact that he was kissing on someone else when you two were not in a committed relationship. My concern is that you're holding onto it like a winning lottery ticket. As a general rule of thumb; Ex's are ex's for a reason - keep inviting them back, and that reason will usually recur. If the sex is that good, there's better out there. If it's companionship, get a dog. Take the time to value yourself, first and foremost, then you'll be ready to share yourself with someone else. Until then, people are going to walk all over you as long as you continue to let them. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:43:48 PM | | Dump him. Not because of the 21 year old but because of all the game playing. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:55:59 PM | | I agree with all these posts. I was like you once upon a time. YEAH when I was 19 and 20. He is an obvious non committal person and is toying with you and this on again off again shit! Just put an end to it. No matter how much passion you feel. Your passions are not being utilized by someone who deserves them. What he did on his time away from you is his time. However you found out, just seems like DRAMA city to me and you're searching for it. Might I ask why you're even on Plenty Of Fish then if you're so serious about this guy? Sounds like the end of you guys was long a go. Swallow your pride and jealous rage and let him go. | |
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~§~
| | Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 10 | |
| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:26:40 PM | I realize that he didn't cheat because we were definitely broken up at the time
you're all assuming I dumped him. Not the case.
It wasn't my idea to get together again either.
Should I just try to get over it? Should I be worried about what this says about our relationship? Should I talk to him more about it?
I wouldnt say another word about it.
What I would do is have a long hard think about his behavior and probably dump HIM
Ever occur to you that he's dumping you every time he wants to go f*ck somebody else?
If he dumps you...
You're not in a committed relationship then right? He's not actually cheating right?
Look what some of the posters have said VVV
For the most part, what one does with their personal life (outside a committed relationship) is really none of your business.
OP- GET over it...you weren't together.
something that didn't happen while you were committed to each other in a monogomous manner isn't healthy, and it's going to do you a bit of good.
Once he's had his bit of fun... or they've knocked him back...
...then he simply gets back together with you and everything's hunky dory PLUS he's got the added bonus of saying its YOUR problem and none of your business.
Think real hard about what this guy is up to.
So this is how I look at it... somebody involved with *me*... and has an interest in *me* and a relationship with me...
... what they do when we *arent* committed but *were*... is absof*ckenlylutely my business.
And no amount of playing word games because of timing (and whether or not by definition its cheating)... is gonna not make it my business.
Have any hopes of being in my bed or my life... keep your d*ck in your pants.
I can keep my legs together... so I expect nothing less from a man
One last thing to consider... assuming he's not doing what I already suggested he could be.
... his responsibility in the relationship.
Whats he gonna do every time something happens in the relationship?
Break things off with you and just hook up with other women?
Yep... that'll help the relationship... not.
Talk about compounding a problem.
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:33:10 PM | "It wasn't my idea to get together again either. I never wanted to be broken up in the first place, so I took him back to try again."
It would appear that you are trying REALLY hard, as your profile states you are looking for a 'male' for 'long term' | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:36:25 PM | Why does it make you feel "icky"?
Is it because he was kissing another girl?
Is it because he was kissing a 21 year old, and you think that's too young for a 34 year old?
Or is it because you are insecure, as his older girlfriend, about him being attracted to someone so much younger than you? (In other words, what is more important here--her age or yours?)
I can honestly understand all three of these reasons for feeling icky, BUT, none of them are actually fair to him.
He was single at the time.
She wasn't jail bait and it's by no means UNUSUAL for a man in his thirties to be attracted to someone of 21.
And he is back WITH you, which suggests that he finds YOU attractive.
My suggestion is to try to maintain objectivity about this, and if your relationship continues you will eventually get over it. He didn't do anything WRONG, except for possibly by telling you about the kissing event (that--him telling--would perhaps be the ickiest thing of all to me). | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:45:07 PM | OP, you really have no choice but to get over it, and hope that things will work out this time.
But the broader issue is this:
you said it wasn't your idea to get back together again, and that you never wanted to be broken up in the first place. This means that he broke up with you last time and now he wants back. And you took him back. What message do you think you are sending to him by taking him back? What incentive is there for him to respect you and your needs? Why give the same person another chance to break your heart again?
These are the questions you should be asking. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:50:57 PM | Dumpling, why ignore the feelings, they are there to protect you. Think about why it makes you feel icky. If your boyfriend was trying to get back with you presumably because he cared about you, whether it was technically cheating or not, it is kind of like the guy who does the stripper the night before his wedding. He wasn't married yet but if he loved the woman he wouldn't WANT anyone else.
Somehow I don't see the point of being with someone so enamored with me he is ready to bang someone else, but that's just me. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:53:03 PM |
Should I just try to get over it?
Whats there to get over? Other then your need for this to be all about you.
Should I be worried about what this says about our relationship?
How in the world does this have anything to do with your relationship?
Oh thats right it doesn't! You just need some drama in your life.
Should I talk to him more about it?
Yes ask him all the details. How she smelt, felt, and tasted.
Is his name Ross and your name Rachel? Seriously WTF?
By the way, a pass is grabbing some @ss or passing a phone number, they made out. Big difference. That involved tongues. His tongue in her mouth doing the tango!
Do you ever wonder if he thinks of her while he's kissing you? Well now you will!
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:01:21 PM | Why ask us, you should know better.
You see your daughter and him have a natural thing happening for them(age group thing)...what did you do pay him to go out with you? LOL
Toy boys like the cougars because they get pampered but with women their age group, they're much more sexier LOL | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:09:35 PM | | What he does when you are broken up is none of your business. Forget it. This isn't the third grade, where you own a guy forever and he can never talk to anyone else if he ever talked to you. What it says about your relationship is that you did not have one then, but now you do, and now you want to breakup again, so he will be with someone else and you will have something else to whine about. You are too childish for dating, let alone anything more serious. Come back when you grow up girl, you're still livin in a paperdoll world. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:12:49 PM | My question (for some odd reason) is how do you feel about bachelor parties the night before marriage?
~Beth~ | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:27:33 PM |
Am I happy with all of this drama in my life? Would I be happier if none of this drama was in my life?
Wait a second here.... The drama is the op's not the boyfriends or the young hottie he was making out with. Dramatic people have drama, and it's of their "own making".
I think if you keep him you will always wonder about him and it could possibly make you crazy eventually. Your post says more than you think.
Possibly make her crazy eventually?
But no shet though! | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:31:48 PM | | Sounds like your just jellous that he saw someone after the two of you called it quits. What he chooses to do with his time when he is single is his own business. How you handle your anger is your own affair. It says you cant handle the fact that a younger women was with him. You have no business talking to him about who he sees, thats like someone poking into your business when you are single, its no ones business what you do with your socail life but your own. You need to grow up some. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:34:23 PM | Many questions come to mind. Not to answer here – just questions I’d be asking if I was to sort through my feelings about it…
how long had you been apart when this happened? And what changed his mind, to want to come back and try again? Did he mention the incident with the girl in a timely manner (assuming you learned of it from him)?
Would it be different for you if she had been closer to his age, or your own? Or if he’d been sober?
Do you believe if she’d been willing, he would have had sex with her? Or has he said he would have been willing?
The thirteen year age gap is wide – hard to see that as a truly “peer” relationship at her age. But I can understand the temptation - booze and a twenty-one year old girl… a heady mix, to be sure.
Would there be a way to talk about it that wouldn’t make him defensive or make him feel guilty? I think talking to him about it is better than just “getting over it.” Trying to pretend it never happened is a recipe for chaos.
Maybe you’re concerned that his behavior reflects on the soundness of his judgment, or his character? Or on the sincerity and depth of his feelings for you? All worthy of further reflection, I think.
I hope things work out for you. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:38:11 PM | | I agree that you should dump him. He was dumb enough to tell you about macking on a 21yr. old so he's obviously not intelligent. I can't think of any reason to share that bit of info outside of being a masochist or craving drama. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:50:41 PM | | Oh and kissing? Really? Shoot I kiss some of my besties when drunk just so I don;t have to bring some dillhole home. Its making out, get over it. I truly just think you can/never will trust this man anyway. No point in sticking around. He is a jerk on some levels but you need to take responsibility for the masochist role. I am not judging, just pointing it out. I played that role all too well up until I was 28 even. It's just old and gross and no wins though. | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/11/2009 10:13:55 PM | | The best predictor of what someone is likely to do in the future is what they've done in the past. Clearly, he got over you--and her--pretty quick. What do you suppose that suggests about his character? | |
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| on-again, off-again
Posted: 11/12/2009 2:31:01 AM | | If what happened when you weren't seeing each other bothers you so much, then you should be asking *yourself* some questions: Like, how much does this guy really matter to you if something like this completely changes your perception of him? | |
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