|cheated Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3)|
|Lads, my problem is the folowing.|
I've been in a relationship with this girl for 6 years, we broke up a few times during these years and i allways asked her if she had been with other man during these off times (please note that we were allways in contact during these off times trying to get back toguether) I allways asked her if she was seing someone else during these periods. she allways said that she naver did, or ever had sex with anyone else but me scince we met, it turns out that she had been with this guy (supposed to be only her friend)for 4 or 5 months bout 3 years ago , wich i only found out last week , she lied to me all this time , i dont even know if there were others (she say's there were not others ) I loved her and all this time thought that she was only with me (because she loved me i thought )
Now I still love her and she says she loves me and that hapened a long time ago and we were not toghether at the time (I never considered that were off in a way that she would go off to someone else like that). so it shouldn't interfere with our lives at the present and we should move on from that. I dont think i can be with her again but its being very painfull and comes to my mind to forgive her.
has anyone experienced something like this ???
What did you do ???
Posted: 11/15/2009 12:14:20 AM
|You cannot change the past.|
If you cannot change the past, then you must accept it 100%.
If you cannot accept it 100%, then you must leave the relationship.
Posted: 11/15/2009 12:14:38 AM
|You broke up 'a few times'. IMO, breaking up once and getting back together is ok, multiple times means there are some serious issues with you guys not being willing to work things out. That or you tried to work them out, failed and should have remained split. I did the multi-breakup bit once. After the fact I realized I was deluding myself into believing a hopeless relationship actually had a chance.|
You were separated when she was with this other guy. Separated means no longer exclusive. Whatever she did, she didn't cheat on you. As to how you feel about it and how you plan to handle it, that's your call. I think you either need to realize that she did whatever she did when you were not a couple and therefore she was within her moral rights or you should call it quits for good.
If you cannot accept it 100%, then you must leave the relationship.
Posted: 11/15/2009 12:18:52 AM
|If you broke up with her during them times its not cheating. |
You asking her if she was seeing someone during your breakup only means you have insecure issues. You are probably an enabler too that drove you two to these break ups. Think about your behaviour in the situation, change it... so you don't repeat history in the future.
Really, I think this relationship is over. If you two force yourselves to continue, it will always come back to this because you (I mean You) will always bring back what she did just to punish her. Do yourself a favour and quit, wish her luck and get on with ya life!
Posted: 11/15/2009 12:20:30 AM
|First, assuming that you are right and that she was with this other guy, I think that if it happened three years ago when you were broken up, that you are considering destroying a relationship that doesn't need to be destroyed. It's not pretty that she lied to you, but you seem more troubled with the idea that she was with someone else than over the fact that she lied. But, if you were broken up, you were broken up. If you want to make a stand because of the lie that's fair enough, but if you are going to end it because she was with someone else when she was "single," then....think about it.|
I'd be hard pressed to imagine ending it with someone I loved, with six years of history behind us, because he slept with another woman while we were broken up.
Plus, there's a big difference between volunteering information and answering a question when you are (unfairly) put on the spot. If the lie came because you ASKED her if she'd been with anyone when you were broken up, then it's conceivable that she thought it was OK to lie because it really wasn't any of your business. We can quibble over whether a lie is ever justifiable, but I know that when men have asked me questions about my sex life outside the time period of my relationship to them, I have felt no obligation to tell them about things that aren't their business.
And, she might have just been trying to avoid causing you pain.
Second, you haven't told us whether you have been with anyone else during one of these break ups. Maybe you haven't, but if you have, check yourself for hypocrisy.
Third, speaking of hypocrisy, you give the impression that you are in this relationship right now....and yet you are here, according to your profile, for "dating." What's up with that?
Posted: 11/15/2009 12:27:20 AM
|If a person is broken up with you, they have nobody to answer to then themselves. You asking her was out of line and intrusive, as well you seem to think that she should have remained celibate. Why, was she supposed to know you two weren't really broken up, or that for sure you would get together????|
If you two are broken up, that is broken up... Seems to be the issue of people thinking they are taking a break, but then call fowl when the other person seen it as broke up...
As others said, you either accept 100% it was in the past, and now is moving to the future...
She didn't tell you, because she knew you would freak out, and it was something personal, and she was working at moving on with her life. People do that when they are trying to move on from a broken relationship.
I think YOU should move on from each other, because there has to be a reason you are on again, off again...
Relationships have issues, problems, et al, it is the working through it as a couple that defines how solid of a relationship you have ...
Posted: 11/15/2009 3:02:53 AM
|Oh, for Christ's sake. How the heck do you date someone "on and off" for SIX YEARS? Enough already. Either recommit to each other and get married, or go your seperate ways.|
Posted: 11/15/2009 4:10:35 AM
|^^^ that's right, your problems are bigger than whether or not she went out with guys during those numerous periods when she obviously had no commitment to you .|
Posted: 11/15/2009 4:26:09 AM
|With cheating, the problem is trust... your level of trust for her is directly tied to your love for her... so, when trust goes down, it pulls love down with it.|
It depends on whether or not you can build the trust back up... counseling might help, you can try that... some people work it out and stay together, others break up, depends on how much the memory fades. But counselors don't have brainwashing machines... might taint the relationship forever and limit it, you never forget.
I also don't like on-again off-again relationships... they are not good relationships.
Posted: 11/15/2009 4:37:43 AM
|maybe she didnt have sex with anyone after all ...maybe she has just got so damn tired of you asking that she decided to just tell you what you want to hear ..so you will shut up or leave or at least quit asking things that are none of your damn business ...grow the frack up|
I have seen this many times .. a woman gets tired of being asked juvenile questions ..and just tells the brat what he wants to hear .. so he will either accept it and leave her alone or leave
Posted: 11/15/2009 6:26:09 AM
|yep I've been there, know what I found out? Every time we "seperated" it was because of another guy she was sleeping with. You're her back up when she doesn't have anyone else to play with, the solid, secure, and available guy she can depend on to take her back after getting dumped by her fling. It will never stop.|
Posted: 11/15/2009 7:14:51 AM
we were not toghether at the timePersonally, I think that if you were broken up, then she had the right to sleep with whoever she damn well felt like.
However, I do think it was wrong of her not to tell you about it.
But, I'm not sure what her reasons were for not telling you. Maybe she didn't tell you because she knew you'd react with childish jealousy.
she lied to me all this timeSo what?
You have a dating site profile, claiming to be divorced.
I think you're no less of a liar than her.
As far as I'm concerned, someone can not be cheating on another person if they are broken up with them.
But, someone, who makes an online profile looking to date others, behind the back of their partner, is cheating.
Posted: 11/15/2009 7:22:00 AM
|Grow the fuk up, maybe you keep breaking up because you are looking for things to be wrong with the relationship. Maybe she lied to you because she knew you would react exactly like you are reacting.|
You should walk away and allow her to find someone that she is actually compatible with, it isn't you.
Posted: 11/15/2009 7:23:42 AM
|If you weren't involved with her at the time, it's not cheating.|
If she was involved with someone else when you were broken up, it's none of your business, unless she volunteers the information. Why do you need to know? Such questions invite lies and scream of your own insecurity.
Posted: 11/15/2009 7:26:20 AM
|She did not cheat because when she was with the other guy you and she were not together.|
Perhaps a counsellor can help you and she sort things out and the reasons behind your break ups.
Posted: 11/15/2009 7:50:47 AM
|On here since Aug 5, looking for dating and upset that his current girlfriend of 5 or 6 years, off and on, may have lied to him about something she did while she was single and didn't have to account to anyone about anything? And when they got back together for the umpteenth time, she didn't feel the need to say anything, as it would probably mean yet another break-up because of someone's insecurities?|
Usually I don't say much about someone personally on here, I just stick to the OP topic and leave it at that, but ... I vote that you stay together, less pain and hurt for others that you both might date in the future.
Need I say more?
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:14:42 AM
|Why do you break up at various times? Arn't those reasons more important than her spending a few months with another man? Obviously he wasn't important enough to stay with, you were. You have more issues than another man. Your breaking up all the time is what is seriously wrong with this relationship.|
Think about it.
Go to counseling.
Get help as a couple.
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:19:25 AM
|What's up with this on again off again relationship? Doesn't sound like much of a future together. And you're obsessed with what she did during one of the breakups? Please get a grip. That kind of thinking will get you nowhere. As others have suggested, either really commit to this relationship or let it go.|
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:38:25 AM
|Grow up, when people break up, they are emotionally deprived and are suseptable to be a perfect canidates for a rebound relationship. She has the right to be with whoever will help her through her emotional time without someone questioning her/his reason for needing human contact and compassion. The fact that she probably thought you would react negatively to her need not to be alone is what you have a hard time with. I would never even ask the question, "who you were with" cause after all you were the one who may have driven her/him away at the time. People have every right to thier privacy without being questioned who or the reason to feel human. This shows your own emotional insecurity. When you make a bed, its your to lie in. Deal with your insecurity because the same feelings will always linger and be in question until you can accept the fact that everyone is human and can do whatever they need to feel human again. |
Cause she couldnt be honest about it doesnt make her cheating, It means you cant accept the truth, that she had the right to fuk who ever she wanted without your interference. That sounds a little crude but its the truth and she is not obligated to give you an answer. She obviously knew you couldnt handle it, so she chose to tell you what you wanted to hear, that the world revolves around you and no other man could help complete her. "I have a brooklyn bride for sale really cheap" She was emotionally deprived and needed human contact, get over it. It was not cheating.
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:43:32 AM
|I don't understand what the problem is. You guys broke up and she started seeing another man then they broke up and you got back together. If you have a problem with this then DONT break up!|
Posted: 11/15/2009 9:25:26 AM
|She didn't cheated but she shouldn't have lied to you. Although...if she had told you she was with someone else while you guys broke up...would you feel any differently about it? Would you be able to just brush it off since she told you?|
Posted: 11/15/2009 10:02:54 AM
|what drama-mongering. you both sound like a couple of children, taking your ball and going home when there's some conflict rather than working it out like adults or acknowledging that you're a bad fit and saying goodbye for good. if you could do that, this 'cheating' would never have been an issue. not as much fun though, as the conflict and drama you're here looking to justify, right?|
i'm betting most of your past relationships have this pattern. and your future ones as well, unless you buckle down and do some personal work.
Posted: 11/15/2009 10:33:59 AM
|YOU WERE ON A BREAK!|
Say that in Ross' voice.
I agree with most others--your relationship isn't a good one. I'm not a fan of that whole drama thing, either. Your partner is supposed to make your world an easier place to be in, not a worse one.
Posted: 11/15/2009 10:39:05 AM
|If I was in an on-again/off-again relationship for 6 years that seemed to be going nowhere, I would have left years ago. If you were on 'a break' then she was free to be when whomever she wanted, just as you were. Either stop asking her to prove herself to you or jump ship for good, this sounds like some sort of prison sentence. Just how much does someone have to prove them self for you to feel secure, and why do you keep breaking up and going back? It sounds like you both have wasted 6 years.|
Posted: 11/15/2009 10:44:28 AM
|OP, I would abandon this relationship if I were you. Has nothing to do with some sex that took place while you two were split. It's just obvious that your relationship is doomed from one thing or another. Stop wasting each others time. Break up and stay broken. Don't even remain friends. I'm sure any friends that have listened to the two of you talk about your relationship woes would agree.|