| | I'm too old to have a babyPage 1 of 8 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) | Ok...I am 36. so I have dated 2 guys in the past 4 months. One was 28 and one was 35. The 28 year old we had a great connection all the way around and I had reservations about dating someone that much younger than me but I went for it. After 3 dates he tells me that he wants to get married and have babies one day and I am too OLD to have a baby! The 35 year old told me he is looking for a girl in her early 20's to have a baby because I am a RISK of having a deformed child! He wants a young womb!
um...a 20 year old can have a baby with birth defects (BD). A woman can be super healthy and have a baby with BD. where is this information coming from? and if older women are such a "risk" why are you dating them???!!!
I am very disappointed in some men....ignorance is running rampid these days. It's like me telling a 40 year old man his sperm is too old! | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/24/2009 4:44:22 PM | | You not too old to have a baby. I had my daughter at 38. Sure, there can be complications but I wouldn't worry about that.. Your 36 you have time... | |
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aaamm
| | Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 3 | |
| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/24/2009 5:07:37 PM | Yeah, a 40 year old man's sperm is starting to age. They produce less sperm and they aren't as quality. Studies have been done that show the older the father the less the intelligence of the baby.
So...yeah, you take risks after 35 having children. If having children is important to you, you should talk to them about it before you go out. Otherwise, they are finding excuses to dump ya. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/24/2009 6:28:15 PM | | I do not so much see you NOW as too old to have a child; what concerns me is how long (or should I say how SHORT of a time) do you plan to date and marry (?) a man before having a baby with him? I mean unless you are looking to meet a guy and get pregnant right away (Gawd please tell me no) you may be closer to 40. Which is not out of the question. But why not find a man closer to your age who feels the same way and date for a while. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/24/2009 9:01:50 PM | I'm 45 and have a healthy 5yo. I also have a healthy 15 yo, 13yo and 9yo... There is some bad information out there.
There is also info that says one drink while pregnant can cause downs syndrome. If you research long enough, you can get data to say what you want it to. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/24/2009 9:11:36 PM | Frankly, I have to wonder if it was really ignorance. It is possible. But it is also possible the 28-year-old lost interest and saw the baby issue as a good excuse; the 35-year-old may just have wanted a 20-something, and also used the baby issue as an excuse.
Sorry if this ounds cynical, but in my experience, guys who are just dying to have kids are RARE. That you ran into two such guys in quick succession seems implausible to me. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/24/2009 11:42:55 PM | | I'm 34 and feel the same way. My problem is I haven't dated in 2 years and don't have any prospects of finding a man. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/24/2009 11:43:41 PM | It's a common thing to think this way. (I actually once had a woman tell me that she thought I'd want a younger woman to have a child with. She was in her 30's at the time.)
Use it as a filter, and talk about it with a guy before developing serious feelings. And be glad that you are able to see that, as you phrased it, you are "very disappointed in some men", but don't let it get you down. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 2:51:03 AM | More women are waiting.
My niece (I was an aunt at 4 so don"t think I am 100)
Had her first child after 35 and has had another in the last few years.
My stepdaughter s first was after 30.
They both went for higher education and finding the right man first before having a baby and are more stable and settled.
I think you should make your own decisions as to when you are ready.
If you research long enough, you can get data to say what you want it to.
Yes, when I was pregnant with my son, the doctors said smoking was ok except for the last 2 weeks. I know better now. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 4:12:35 AM | They could have been playing you or they could have been serious. If I were a young male (under 40 for childbearing purposes) and having children were a 'definite' I would want someone under 30 or so too.
At your age, having children is more 'optional' and 'be nice if we do, fine if we don't' sort of thing. That's where I am now. I may still be able to have babies now, but I don't think I'm as fertile as I was in my 20's. So if anyone wanted to have kids with me, they may have to accept that fact that it might happen, or it might not happen. If they 'definitely' wanted children and didn't really want the option that it might not happen, then I am not the woman for them. Personally I would like someone who was 'open' to having children without it being a definite no or yes; and would be happy with it either way it went.
This is not to say that you can't have healthy children over 30, only that the chances decrease and the 'option' of it not happening are greater. The older we get the more chances of things like menstruation problems (ammenorhea - little to no periods, or menorragia - heavy or excessive periods), fibroids, polycistic ovarian syndrome, cancer, endometriosis, and other womb problems. Our wombs are also more sensitive to stress - either because of age or because of being exposed to it for prolong periods. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 4:21:07 AM | | I don't think you're too old to have children. Heck, medical science allows women to have children well in to their 60s now. Though maybe not the safest way to have children, it's still possible. Besides, having children is a major decision. Not everyone wants to have children and people should be entitled to make that decision for themselves. Good thing you found out about what these guys wanted early on than after having already invested more in the relationship. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 6:09:40 AM | Well, hate to say it, but I do see their point. And they are not "ignorant" at all. Assuming you'd be a couple of years away from having this hypothetical baby, you're going to be 38 (your 28 yr old said he wanted to marry and have kids "some day"; he's not talking tomorrow). And at far greater risk of genetic and/or chromosomal conditions/defects than a younger woman.
Where is the information coming from? From obstetric medicine. Simple as that.
According to the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority, "At 35 you're half as fertile as when you were at 25; at 40 you're half as fertile as when you were 35". This means that it can suddenly take much longer to get pregnant when you hit your late thirties or early forties and you may have problems conceiving at all.....Another problem is that the odds of having a baby with a genetic defect increase as you get older. Figures from the Office of National Statistics for 2005, show that the risk of having a baby with a genetic abnormality such as Down's syndrome rises from 2 per 1,000 births at ages 35-39 years, to 4 per 1,000 at age 40-44 years up to 14 per 1,000 at age 45 years or over. If you're almost, or over 40, you should strongly consider genetic testing because the risk of genetic problems increases significantly.
Because chromosomal abnormalities are the most common reason for miscarriage, the risk of miscarriage also increases with age. It has also been suggested that higher rates of stillbirth for women over 35 could also be attributable in some part to chromosomal abnormalities. http://www.babycentre.co.uk/preconception/activelytrying/ageandfertility/
Just because women can and d0 have perfectly healthy babies well into their 40s doesn't mean it's easy and/or common. It's neither. The possibility of conceiving drops dramatically from around 35 on and by 40 it's extremely slim. Add to that the greatly increased risk of chromosomal defect and I can totally see the point of being hesitant about being in the early stages of a relationship when the woman is already 36 if you are looking to start a family 'down the line'.
I conceived my 1st at 34 and 2nd at 36. I was made well aware of the very real increased risks involved; particularly with #2.
Yes, everyone's got an anecdote or 2 to tell about having babies later in life. Hell, I am an anecdote myself! But don't let the warm fuzzy stories get in the way of reality.
Unless you're a Hollywood super star with millions of dollars and money to burn at the offices of fertility specialists and on the eggs of much younger women, reality is that from 35 on it starts to be much more difficult to conceive and higher risk of problems with the baby and by 40 it's getting very high risk indeed.
So it's not so much you're "too old" to have a baby. But it is pretty understandable IMHO why a childless man wanting to start a family down the line is going to seek out women where their age is not going to carry with it significantly less chance of conceiving and/or higher risk of chromosomal defect. I think that's completely reasonable, especially if they are hoping to have more than 1 child. By the time you're/he's ready for #2 you're at least 40 and that's not great odds at all for an easy conception and a healthy baby. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 7:00:09 AM | What's really sad is when younger men (30s and 40s) contact someone my age because they love older women, and they definitely want children. I've had young men contact me who are serious about having a child with an older woman. I've also had those young men get upset because I am definitely beyond child-bearing ability (have been for more than 16 years).
I've got a male friend who got involved with a woman in her late 40s. He's in his mid 50s. They had a child. That child is her 4th; the other 3 are healthy and in their teens. His children are healthy and in their 20s. She had an uneventful pregnancy and delivery, but that child was born with all types of physical problems which will only get worse with time. It will not be easy for either of them. Having children later in life (30s or so) has advantages, but I'm glad I had my girls while I was young enough to enjoy it. I also still have the energy to enjoy my grandkids. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 7:57:20 AM | To be clear...I am NOT meeting a man to have a baby! This was told to me after a few dates...the 28 year old said he was getting feelings for me and he wanted to get married and have a baby some day and he couldn't have that with me. The 35 year old I only dated once but we remained friends. His logic is young woman=young womb and NO complications or birth defects. I already have a 14 year old daughter and most likely would not be having more children BUT if I did I am certainly not too old! Many women are waiting until they are in their 30's because of career and with the economy you need a 2 income household (well you do where I live) . My argument is that a woman at ANY age can have complications in pregnancy. My sister had her first baby at 23 and her daughter was born with a cleft lip which is genetic but in her case it was not...that birth defect can just happen.
The 28 year old I was not looking for marriage or babies but there is more to that, he is from China and ,may be moving back so he did not want anything serious and he really liked me. Like I said, the 35 year old we are now friends, nothing happened there. I just hate blanket statements when so many factors when having a baby. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 8:09:43 AM | One more thing...if you are in your 20's and want kids WHY are you asking out older women? Yes, you may enjoy older women but you want children and the whole package don't date women you feel are not able to give you that. I was very hesitant in dating a 28 year old, I wondered why he was asking me out. Now I know and will never date anyone that young again.
I went on a few dates and had fun...was not looking for or talking about commitment or babies! | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 8:19:39 AM | My argument is that a woman at ANY age can have complications in pregnancy. My sister had her first baby at 23 and her daughter was born with a cleft lip which is genetic but in her case it was not...that birth defect can just happen. All of that is true. But what you are not acknowledging is the fact that despite the fact that things *can* and do happen at any age, they are *far more likely* to happen at 35+ than prior to that. That is a fact; and that's once you get over the far greater hurdle of conceiving at all.
Understand that having more babies is not your plan, but you seem so taken aback that a man would be hesitant or even refuse to enter into a relationship with a woman your age or older if he was wanting to have a family. You described what they said to you as "ignorance". Why is it ignorant? There's statistically significant reasons for what they told you, clumsy and insensitive as their delivery might have been.
I went on a few dates and had fun...was not looking for or talking about commitment or babies! Ah, but a 36 yr old going out with a 28 year old should be making sure that you're on the same page sooner rather than later. If you're strictly into casual dating, fine. But sounds like he wasn't.
I date with a view to finding a long term relationship. So you can bet your life if I were to date a younger man (or actually a man any age) who doesn't have kids I would be sounding him out on that ASAP. Because at my age there's plenty more risk and much less chance of conceiving. I don't want to enter into a serious relationship with someone to find that we are not 100% both 'on the same page' with regards to having children. More than anything, it would be totally unfair to the man IMHO. | |
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aaamm
| | Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 17 | |
| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 8:22:51 AM | Statistically over 35 you increase the chances of having a birth defect or problems. Pure and simple, face it. Find out before you go out with someone what their stance is. It is easier to be up front with what you desire in your future than to deny it.
Just because you can doesn't mean it is a wise choice. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:31:50 AM | Ok AGAIN...if a 28 year old man wants a family and thinks a woman in her mid to late 30's can't give him that, why is HE asking them out? He already knows his game plan for the future - kids and marriage then don't askout women who you feel can't give you that.
My post was regarding a 28 year old asking out a 36 year old. He wants kids in the future so why not ask out a woman your age or who meets your "criteria" is all I was asking. I did not date these men looking to have babies! I want to date, that's it. Even the 35 year old I would not think he wanted kids - again just wanted to date him.
I guess from now on I will have a questionaire for all my potential dates - do you want kids because my eggs and utuerus are OLD! Ridiculous. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:36:32 AM | Some women do have healthy children after 35. The statistics they speak of is older women are more likely to have a child with autism, downs and such.
Its just a chance they take. That's why I had the laser surgery(tubal).
It also depends on diet too. Women who smoke, drink, or do drugs while pregnant are definitely more likely to have a disabled child. Also consider as we get older do we want to start all over with pitter patter of little feet, unless it's our grandchildren? I don't feel like it at this age. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 10:54:27 AM | OP -- perhaps you shouldn't take up dating guys younger than you whose chances of wanting to start a family of their own is still pretty high. It seems you already have kids of your own too, pehaps its best to seek out guys who already have kids of their own or the older guys who are not into the mindset of wanting to pop out any youngins of their own.
Your choice to date these guys are as much a part of the equation to the problem as is their choice to want to have kids too. | |
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aaamm
| | Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 21 | |
| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 12:19:42 PM |
He already knows his game plan for the future - kids and marriage then don't askout women who you feel can't give you that. Because they can. It is up to you to protect yourself. Some guys just do conquests, dates, or want something going on while they are looking.
I went out with a guy that is like 44 or 45, can't remember exactly, but he went out with me twice before he told me that he really does want to have kids of his own. Married twice and he never had any, me thinks he needs to get himself checked, but that was it. I didn't go out with him again. You don't always know if a guy is being honest with you or even themselves some times.
My fiance is 39. No kids. But before I accepted, we had deep discussions. Before I accepted a date that is... At this point we are talking about his going in to make sure that nothing will happen, I have had enough operations, so figure he can do that eventually. IE I am still doing birth control pills. I can still conceive, but conceiving and wanting to have more children are two different things.
You can only do what you can do. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 12:24:10 PM | | My sperm has magical powers to revive old eggs, so, I figure I could father a healthy baby with any women whose shanks can still withstand the rigors of both conception and childbirth. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 12:24:19 PM |
Ok AGAIN...if a 28 year old man wants a family and thinks a woman in her mid to late 30's can't give him that, why is HE asking them out? He already knows his game plan for the future - kids and marriage then don't askout women who you feel can't give you that.
How should WE know?
Why not ask HIM?
Besides, it's not like you go around with your age listed on your forehead... So he didn't know you were 36 until after he'd asked you out; presumably it was something he found out during date #1 or #2, i.e., after it was too late to undo the having asked you out part.
Don't be so prickly about these guys having wasted your time, because you've wasted their time, too. It's just a time-consuming process.
He wants a young womb!
P.S. - it's a young egg, not a young womb, which is important here.
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 12:56:24 PM | I asked a question earlier, and I think it bears repeating: why we should we take these guys' claims about wanting kids at face value? Isn't it possible the 28 year old just lost interest and used the kids issue as an excuse? Couldn't it be that the 36 year old just wanted a 20-something anyway, and also used it as an excuse?
I say this because, in my experience, men who want children that desperately are RARE. That two would have arrived in one person's life in relatively quick succession seems unlikely. With few exceptions, guys are just not that into having kids. In fact, I'd bet more relationships end because men don't want children than becuase women can't have them. | |
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| I'm too old to have a baby
Posted: 11/25/2009 1:35:35 PM | | You are not to old to have a baby, actually if you see in the majority of countries in Europe the average for have a baby is your age, them don't worry, this guy lose you..... for idiot | |
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