| | How do you move from lust to love?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | If infatuation/lust is the following, defined by another poster:
There's an addiction to infatuation/lust out there like a disease. It goes like this ~
Infatuation/lust is: Sees the other person as perfect...doesn't see any "faults", wants to get own needs met, spends all time with the other person, quickly “falls” for the other person, other relationships and friendships deteriorate, dependence on the other person causes jealousy frequently, lasts for a short period of time, distance strains and often puts an end to the relationship, quarrels are serious and common, quarrels can seriously damage the relationship. Angst, yo yo emotions and dramas are part of this phenomena because of the uncertainties.
I call it the pink cloud syndrome. All wonderful and rosy...up in the clouds of "Love"..
Then the crash...the higher you are up in that pink cloud called Euphoria...the longer the fall and the harder the crash.
then I am definitely in lust, not "in love" like I keep believing in my head. If lust is a disease, then I have all the symptoms...How do you move from that to "real love," in that case, and is there any way to avoid the fall from euphoria to MISERY? Or is this just totally something that can not be controlled? What distinguishes those who crash from those who move to true, lasting love? | |
|
| Buy a T-shirt......
Posted: 11/25/2009 11:43:39 PM | | Misery is part of life.....just like a Hangover is the other side of having a blast the night before....it just comes with the territory.....you might as well enjoy the euphoria while it lasts......because if you don't....who will?...Don't go from being happy to worrying about a cure for not being happy. Live it up, you're young. You'll be old and depressed like so many others soon enough.....at least you'll have the beautiful memories to think of when you are....just as the girl in Edward Scissorhands did when she was a grandma telling her granddaughter the story of her younger days....Live....it's all you can do......make your own way in life. | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/25/2009 11:48:00 PM | | It sounds like to me there is a void inside you that you hate and when some one comes along to fill it or take you away from your fears, you prematurely feel great even though you don't know the person yet, and when you learn who they really are, you come crashing down. I think you need to love yourself and feel happy within yourself and who you are and then you won't be so heavily reliant on others providing it for you. I think you have said that you were a drug addict so you must be struggling with that so it would be even harder for you. Im sure eventually you will be comfortable in your own skin once you have figured out why you feel the way you do and address it so that you don't need others so much for your own happiness. | |
|
| Buy a T-shirt......
Posted: 11/25/2009 11:48:03 PM | Grow up and get off the ride. Realize that it's always short-lived and therefore, in the end, not worth it. Like any other drug, it'll take more from you than it will give.
Love (as opposed to infatuation) absolutely has its joys - and, really, they're better and more enjoyable than the crush 'highs'. Once you've tried the real thing, you lose your taste for the fake. | |
|
| Buy a T-shirt......
Posted: 11/26/2009 12:04:03 AM | O hell that's easy,, Do the internet conversion ,, Lust = chemistry Then it's all good.  | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 12:08:38 AM | You will keep doing the same thing over and over again until you reach to the point where the pain is too severe and you can't stand it any more. That's the point you try to change. You are asking this question to us and yourself and I understand you really want to change and maybe it's time.
First of all, Contemplate the pain and sufferings caused by lust or crazy love. Pain is a good indication there's something not right going on in your life.
Secondly, you should learn to tell the difference between lust and true love.
Ask you these questions next time when you believe you love someone.
"Am I really seeing him as who he is instead of reflecting my fantasy on someone I newly meet and can I accept and love him for who he really is without attempting to control or change him?"
Finally, Find your life center purpose and do what you love to do. Don't try too hard to find someone special. Love will come along the way naturally when you don't plan :)
Good luck to you and everyone wanting to find true love!!!
| |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 9:37:37 AM |
There's an addiction to infatuation/lust out there like a disease. ... I call it the pink cloud syndrome. What you describe is actually called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) when it occurs in adults. A hallmark of that disorder is idealizing someone for a period of 3 to 6 months and then demonizing them thereafter. It occurs because BPD sufferers hate themselves and feel an emptiness inside. They get a temporary relief from such pain by finding a "savior," i.e., a lover on whom they project all sorts of qualities that person cannot possibly have. They don't do it to be malicious but, rather, because they sincerely believe that person will save them from their unhappiness (which is why BPD is called a "thought disorder").
CuriousAboutU explains this process very well: "There is a void inside you that you hate and when some one comes along to fill it, or take you away from your fears, you prematurely feel great even though you don't know the person yet, and when you learn who they really are, you come crashing down."
You see this happening a lot in adults because BPD is so common. The latest large scale study indicates that approximately 6% of the population has it so severely as to warrant a clinical diagnosis of BPD. This means that an even larger percentage of the population -- perhaps 10% or more -- either has it at the clinically diagnosed level or has BPD traits that are strong but fall short of that clinical level. I therefore believe it is important for people -- especially those looking for a mate -- to learn how to identify the nine BPD traits. A good place to start is BPDfamily.com, BPDCentral.com or BPD411.org.
What distinguishes those who crash from those who move to true, lasting love?
The distinguishing feature is maturity, which means you must have a strong sense of who you are and are happy with that self image. Again, CuriousAboutU explains it so well: "I think you need to love yourself and feel happy within yourself and who you are and then you won't be so heavily reliant on others providing it for you."
There are two primary groups of people who are unable to do that. One group includes the adult BPDs who lack emotional maturity because the abuse or abandonment they experienced in early childhood froze their emotional development at the level of a young child, leaving them with an inability to regulate their emotions. They therefore are capable of infatuation but are incapable of moving on to a mature form of love.
The second group includes the teenagers. Due to their hormone changes, inexperience, and immaturity, most teens handle their love relationships in a way that strongly reflects BPD traits: putting a lover high up on a pedestal, knocking him/her off, and then quickly moving on to another person who suddenly becomes "the one." This is why therapists usually will not issue a diagnosis of BPD until the person is at least in early adulthood. When teens reach maturity, they start questioning themselves as Unique clearly describes: "Am I really seeing him as who he is instead of reflecting my fantasy on someone I newly met, and can I accept and love him for who he really is without attempting to control or change him?" | |
|
| |
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 9:56:28 AM | Lust is not a disease, it is the creation of dopamine and oxytocin in the brain cells. This causes a feeling of euphoria.
How do you ride it out?
Carefully.
Do your do diligence. Move slowly. Enjoy the moments, however take note of what is going on around you. Relationships take time. Normally the 6 month mark will bring out the idiosyncrasies in people.
Someone on here wrote an awesome blurb on doing your do diligence…damn, wish I could find it! | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 10:12:22 AM | How do you move from lust to love?
from the words of Sara Siskind
"I want a simple love like that
always giving never asking back
when I'm in my final hour looking back
I hope I have a simple love like that
I wish I had a simple love like that
I want a simple love like that"
This may not be exactly correct to original lyrics, but it's close | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 2:12:41 PM | | You don't go from one to the next. You have them at the same time. Lust is a form of love. Lust is the love bodies have for each other, or, flesh for flesh. At the same time you have a spiritual form of love, and so on. It is a mistake to think in terms of progression because all of these names for love are about which parts of us are relating. You would still be horny if you were soulmates, etc. That's lust plus whatever romantic kind of love you added in. This is why the "sex or love" question is dumb. | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 2:20:09 PM | Isn't this common sense?
If you don't like the person, being around them and doing things with them outside of sex, then you don't have enough in common to be in love regardless of how attracted you are sexually.
Don't you think you'll get bored of seeing this person as a sex object?
I thought women were supposed to be schooled in basic relationship 101?
For me it's beyond easy.....
1.) I have to be sexually attracted.
2.) Once I talk to them, they need to show intelligence and our personalities have to mesh or it's a no-go.
3.) Once it's determined we are good on an emotional and sexual level, make sure all the other details are good.
It's all subconscious, but you definitely know when it's happening.
I'm actually shocked that a woman would be this clueless about something like this.
It's something you learn when you're young........
 | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 2:21:55 PM | | I don't move "from" one "to" the other...one stays pretty much the same and the other is a growing addition. | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 2:41:27 PM | it is simple. if you still lust for each other after some time has past & really aren't lusting after anyone else...it's probably love  | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 7:03:18 PM | | Cool off and focus on the friendship-! TALK to each other between sex bouts! And, when you're horny, lust each other too. It's really that simple. | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 8:44:34 PM |
then I am definitely in lust, not "in love" like I keep believing in my head. If lust is a disease, then I have all the symptoms...How do you move from that to "real love," in that case, and is there any way to avoid the fall from euphoria to MISERY? Or is this just totally something that can not be controlled? What distinguishes those who crash from those who move to true, lasting love?
Wisdom and self knowledge.
Most people hear the word "true love" and picture themselves with someone and project that fantasy into the future using sequential events - like "First we will get married, then have children, then send them off to college, then retire, move to the Bahamas and die in each others arms while observing a miraculous sun set on the porch".
For some odd reason, many people assume love to be something between two people. The common wisdom, if you can call it that, is that you find true lasting love by finding the right person. You know, the one who makes you feel special, and good, etc... all that crap we see in movies.
The irony of it all is that most people are looking for the wrong thing in the wrong place - for true love is not an emotion, and has no emotional component, and cannot be found in another person, even if that person happens to have achieved true love.
Also, there is nothing wrong with lust. So long as it doesn't rule you - meaning it doesn't control your life. Lust will be in control at times, but so long as it doesn't become a permanent resident at the driver's seat, lust is good.
I'd take lust over what "normal" folks call "true love" any time - as the first is a true desire, while the second a delusion. | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 8:50:37 PM | it is all maybe depending on your understanding of the various words.
to me lust is one sided wanting without thinking of the other - yet to others it is their understanding of the same thing that I would call passion or chemistry which is a two way feeling and response of intense pleasure.
the chemical euphoria part of it will last up to two years naturally - but I would think if you really got that far the love part would have had the opportunity for you to negotiate differences and may have been growing alongside it.
you can generate that chemical euphoria over and over at will if all else is balanced and supporting those thoughts within the relationship.
Barbara de Angelis in Real Moments says it's easy to fall in love - you just concentrate on all the good things you like about a person. It's also easy to fall out of love you just concentrate on all the bad things you don't like about a person.
I'm not suggesting ignoring the bad things or changing the other necessarily, but finding ways to complement each other is probably where the love part starts coming into it. | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 9:23:12 PM | Interesting take on "lust". I wouldn't call lust by itself = crushes necessarily. I would say crushes or puppy love means a lustful love-oriented emotions. But I digress...
How do you move from that to "real love," in that case, and is there any way to avoid the fall from euphoria to MISERY?
Stop watching romantic comedies. Quit chasing or thinking about butterflies. You need to come down to earth. Much like folks addicted to drugs, the thought of getting off of them would SUCK, even without a withdrawl. Life is sooo much better to them if they're NOT down to earth, but high in the clouds.
I don't think it's something that can be controlled abruptly at all, but like I say, cut yourself off from romantic comedies & sappy movies. You should not have your views/expectations influenced by that stuff, because it has already done its damage. I would say pick up some books about realistic love and all that. Puppy love IS great, don't get me wrong, but when it consumes you and you SEE that as real love, then you've got problems and are a bit dillusional.
I imagine most people get out of that when they mature... their experiences of being naive and stupid in situations will make them learn, albeit oftenly jaded as a result, and unhappy. OR having a relationship work out, where the puppy love lasted long but just slowly worn out, but luckily due to circumstances and all that, attachment set in... and then real love developed belatedly. And after they first experienced REAL love, they realize WHY people call "puppy love" a fun temporary high with little substance in the end.... because real love is way more substantial and fulfilling when you've been there. | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 9:30:42 PM | | I dunno...always thought it began with lust...how do you love a total stranger? Some eventually evolve into something more substantial, convenient, solid and true...others keep on going the way it is...it would not last of course....trick is, recognising it in time. Some people are asleep at the wheel, hence a crash straight into a stubby pole/ bollard. | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 11:33:34 PM | Have never been in lust with someone if one understands the Latin definition, as lascivus or wanton desire for nothing but sexual seduction. Lusting after someone has the same brain chemical reactions as one gets when one looks at something they desire, without calming down to ask themselves if they can actually afford to have what they desire. Like the high someone gets when they see any material good that they tell themselves they need and in receiving will, make them feel better and whole.
Whereas mature 'love' involves brain chemicals that give one a sense of calm, peace, security, that are consistent and long term, no matter the hills and valleys the relationship encounters. There is a secure trust level with mature 'love' that then involves a desire to have sex with the person one is in 'love' with. And when there is mutual trust the fear of experiencing hurt, pain, misery isn't there.
~Beth~ | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/26/2009 11:55:28 PM | | I don't think you do. Love is based on valuing a person as a human being and lust is based in seeing that person as an object of your own gratification. They're polar opposites. Its much easier to develop a strong relationship with someone and have attraction and desire grow out of that than to work backward and try to choose someone based on a superficial reaction and then try to force something deeper from it. | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/27/2009 1:19:45 AM | ^^^^ - the polar opposite of
.always thought it began with lust...how do you love a total stranger
Fascinating.
To #2 - you don't 'love a total stranger'. You find a total stranger interesting and get to know him. Eventually, you realize that you like and admire him a great deal - that can turn into love. Love takes time. And, if you love, passion will grow from that. You don't 'need' to be attracted right from the start. | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/27/2009 3:28:06 AM | Ahh...cheers for that insight...especially this bit:
You find a total stranger interesting and get to know him
Although, in all fairness (to me) I was just addressing the first post in particular, the transitory phase from lust to love in my experience....so you could say I've lusted, in fact horsed myself straight into a total stranger and loved them afterwards...something along those lines... | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/27/2009 6:07:45 AM | I think, as long as we understand the fundamental differences (in our own brains) between lust and love, we can allow both to happen naturally, and accept each for what it is. You can't force lust, and you can't force love. They're either there (in your brain and, hopefully, the other's) or they're not.
I think both lust and love need to be present in order for a relationship to be completely fulfilling with no desire on either person's part to stray to another person.
Boy, these forums are fascinating! | |
|
| How do you move from lust to love?
Posted: 11/27/2009 6:19:07 AM |
I think both lust and love need to be present Hear, hear! But it makes things tricky if the person is sorting prospects by sex or love. Lust is a red flag! He wants JUST SEX!!!! Runaway! Runaway! O, where be the man who wants Lovenotsex? | |
|
Home
login 
