| When your child doesn't want to visit the other parent
Posted: 7/12/2005 11:34:27 AM | In our situation, my son's father has very minimal contact and always has......my son is 10, and sees his father approx once every couple of month or so, for maybe a night or two. He feels a bit uncomfortable in their home as there are 3 other children there (all younger than him) and a step mother that he doesn't connect with very well. He doesn't have a space of his 'own', and has to sleep on the top bunk of one of the other children's beds.
Last summer, I arranged for him to spend a week at his Dad's (his Dad called and asked), my son went, and when he came home he was FURIOUS with me. He claimed that I never told him he was spending an entire WEEK there, and was very upset. (??I thought I had...but??)
He told me that he will spend up to a maximum of 3 days there (his words) and no more.
I asked him if he would consider talking to his Dad about his reasoning, and he said that he's tried but that it hasn't worked. (Just to side with him, I tried talking to his father about these reasons once as well, but nothing ever came of it).
My son asked me not to repeat our conversations with his Father, and I can understand that, as I think he feels his relationship with his father is fragile at best.
My question is.....how far do you go to improve the situation? Do you leave it alone and just respect the child's wishes? My son and I are very close, it's always been "the two of us"......
For now, I've agreed on the "3 day rule" that my son has set for himself.
This summer, in August, his father has requested to take him for a 2 week period (after he returns from camping with his 'other' family---no offer to take my son along!) I really stammered through that one, trying to make up a reason why my son couldn't stay for more than 3 days......
It worked for the time being....but it's an awfully strange scenario to be a part of....
Thoughts? What would you do in this situation? | |
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| When your child doesn't want to visit the other parent
Posted: 7/12/2005 12:39:43 PM | I guess my first question is - who is the child and who is the parent? No offense to you and your trying to keep peace with your son, but who is he to tell you what he will and won't do. I have been separated from my daughter's dad for almost 18 months. I guess I am lucky and don't have "the other family" situation as of yet. So my next question is - what does your divorce decree (that is if you were married) or the visitation rights of his father say?
My daughter goes through stages that she doesn't want to see or talk to her dad but I tell her that if she doesn't then she will miss out on the time they could spend together and I don't want her to resent me in the future because of it. Her father has never not wanted to see her though - he jumps on every chance he can to "out do" me and take her for all the fun times that he possibly can.
Honestly - I feel for you because your situation is not even close to the same as mine since his father hasn't tried to be with him on a continuous routine. I do know what you mean though as being put in the middle of trying to explain to the other parent that your child doesn't want to see or talk to them - instantly my ex blames me. I only put up with that for the first month now I hand my daughter the phone and have her explain to her dad. I have learned to not allow myself to be put in that situation. It seems to work out better for us.
I know that it "sucks" having to be mom and dad everyday to make sure that your child knows they are loved. My daughter's dad lives about 400 miles away from us so I have always told my daughter that when she goes with dad - it is a mini vacation away from mom. I then try to keep my chin up and use that time for "ME" time.
Best of luck to you - I hope it never comes to this point for my daughter. I pitty the the person that makes my daughter feel that she doesn't fit in or belong in her father's life.
I know I wasn't much help on advice but just wanted you to know that you will be rewarded in the long run for being there for your son - he has already started to show that he has little respect for his father for the way he has treated your son.
Best wishes - hope all works out soon for you! | |
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| When your child doesn't want to visit the other parent
Posted: 7/12/2005 1:22:38 PM | I am in a similar situation.
My son does not want to even spend one night with his mother.
I don't make him. He is 12 now, and although far from being mature of course, he deserves the respect from me to have that wish granted.
It really is no surprise your son feels this way, considering that he has not really spent that much time with his biological father.
If I were you, I would respect what your son wants and just flat out tell your ex the truth.
You have to explain to your son why you have to tell his father the truth though.
As for your ex.....if he has an issue with it all (not sure if he does) then maybe he should have thought about that earlier?
It is natural for your son to not want to be in an uncomfortable situation. | |
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| When your child doesn't want to visit the other parent
Posted: 7/12/2005 2:03:48 PM | | I still think it's great your son is able to express his feelings and his preferences. and I agree that we can't force our children to be in an uncomfortable situation. I think you handled that 2 week visit great. Maybe in the future your son may ease into longer visits. children adapt to different situations pretty smoothly, but for the ones who may need a little soft nudge and a lot of support, forcing them into anything against thier will, can only back fire in the future. I know I couldn't force them into something they are dead against. I wish my mother didn't do that to me in some situations. | |
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| When your child doesn't want to visit the other parent
Posted: 7/12/2005 2:12:09 PM | Your son is at an age where he may or may not be mature enough to make his own decision on this one. I'm wondering if perhaps he feels he's been replaced as his father's son by these other children. Anyhow, it is rare for the courts not to take into consideration the wishes of the children, despite age, unless there is something else very unsettling happening.
I never understand why parents move apart from one another. This is the result...estrangement (hope that's the right word, lol).
Although I admit you haven't come right out and said you live in different communities.
Anyhow...your child hasn't had an opportunity to have his relationship grow with his father, judging from the amount of time dad has spent with him. If it was his decision to have limited contact, then perhaps its proper that he'll have to live with the consequences. | |
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| When your child doesn't want to visit the other parent
Posted: 7/12/2005 3:27:00 PM | Your brown eyed girl..thanks for your response....."I" am the parent, basically, the only parent, and as such I refuse to attempt to push my child at his father, when his father hasn't made a great deal of effort to form a bond with his son. In doing so, I risk losing the trust of my son, and placing him into a situation in which he's not comfortable.
I can understand that your situation is still fairly new......ours has been going on for about 7 years.
I too wish all the best for you and your daughter, and that things work out best for all concerned, in the long run!
Cheers. | |
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| When your child doesn't want to visit the other parent
Posted: 7/12/2005 3:32:03 PM | Thanks everyone for your responses thus far.......
My son's father and I were never married, and we do not have anything in writing regarding visitation with his father. His father doesn't push the visitation, as I stated earlier, he seems happy with the minimal contact that he does have.
In answer to one of the questions, his dad lives 45 minutes away at the moment, but there have been times when it was up to 8 hours away. (on our end). For those times, I was always willing to meet him 1/2 way. He works 'away from home' as well, so he's liable to be anywhere around the province at any given time. "Moving apart" wasn't really an issue, as he was rarely home as it was......
Thanks for confirming that what I'm doing isn't completely 'out there'! And I do understand that sooner or later, I'm going to have to explain to his father, why his son feels this way......hopefully it will allow him to step back and re-evaluate his contact up to this point...
Thanks again, | |
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| When your child doesn't want to visit the other parent
Posted: 7/12/2005 5:27:30 PM | Canadian Hottie ...
Please remember (regarless of your approach) that you can only control you.
I think in that respect, the best things you can do it to make your relationship with your child all that it can be (and I share the oppinion that allowing him the ability to choose here is in that best interest), and can only encourage a healthy relationship between him and his father.
Given the circumstances, I'd say it'd be most appropriate to have a discussion with his father... but that's also likely to be the most futile... he lives close enough now and has made a choice to limit the interaction with his son (for whatever his reasons are).
So... my advice to you would be rather than to approach him with what you would want, to approach him with the problems not having it is causing:
Let him know how his son feels.
Let him know his sons words to you.
Let him know your perspective/interpertation of the situation.
It's then his choice to decide how he is going to act on it (if at all).
I wouldn't expect much of a change by the sounds of it, but then at least you've done your part as a "good mother" in suppling the father with all necessary information to make a more informed decision on how he's interacting with his son and the effect that is having on your child.
Good Luck. | |
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| When your child doesn't want to visit the other parent
Posted: 7/12/2005 9:27:45 PM | I'd just tell the father flat out that his lack of interest has created a situation where your son is ok with short visits but is not comfortable with anything longer than three days at a stretch.
Beyond that I would just tell him basically the things you have said here and I would tell him that if he cannot show a consistent interest in his son then this is the best he can expect.
Since your son is now 10, even the courts would not force the child to see his father if he felt that strongly about it. | |
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| When your child doesn't want to visit the other parent
Posted: 7/13/2005 12:55:50 PM | I agree that you should just tell your son's Father the circumstances. You shouldn't have to try to make excuses why your son doesn't feel comfortable there for long periods of time.
I've been at this single parenting for almost a year 'officially' but really, I've been a single Mom the whole time. My daughter who is 8 1/2 yrs old, tells me that she would rather stay at my house than go to her Dad's. He sits on the computer and ignores them....oh...well do I look surprised???? Nope, he did that when we lived there too. So I asked her if she told her Dad that...she said yes.
Well, so I told him, she doesn't want to go there because she's bored and says that you always sit on the computer.
He says no he doesn't...so it's the same arguement we've had for 13 yrs.
Bottom line, if she doesn't want to go sit there and be bored, then I don't force her to. If she wants to see her Dad, by all means, she can.
I take my cues from her, and I think you are doing the same thing. :) | |
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