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 cagedbird4u
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 1
to love or not to lovePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
A few weeks ago my bf of 5 months expressed to me that he loves me. I told him I loved him too. I was pretty happy. Problem is he has not said it to me since. In the past, when a guy told me he loved me, we started saying it to each other everytime we parted ways, hung up the phone, etc. I wrote him an e-mail the one day saying thank you and I love you for something and he never wrote back like I love you too. The one day in the car driving I asked him why he said the words to me and he said that it felt right and that this is how he feels. I then said, I love you too...and he still did not say the words. Does he love me? Why would a guy only say it once and then never say the words again? We just parted ways again tonight and there was no "I love you." I guess I am confused. Is the whole love thing different now that I am in my 30s? Any feedback would be appreciated from you guys!
 indefatigabilis
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 2
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 4:39:49 PM
Talk to him about it. That works better than guessing. Talking was invented exactly so that what was in the mind of one human being could be transported into the mind of another, because guessing proved to be inaccurate.
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 3
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 4:40:52 PM
I've got a sneaking suspicion what the answer may be ...

OP, does your boyfriend normally tell you how he feels emotionally all of the time?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4
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to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 4:43:39 PM
I would say you worry too much, and that you've made the mistake of writing a script for your relationship. Whenever he fails to say his lines on cue, you'll get worried.
He's a different guy form the one (who is GONE!) who said it so often. Could be, he's just the kind of guy who feels that something said doesn't need to be repeated constantly. Perhaps he's hoping you will remember it!
That, or he's a vampire who's leading you into a cult, but rather doubt that myself.

Bear with my humor, the snow is fourteen inches deep here for the first time in 16 years.
 cagedbird4u
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 5
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 4:43:59 PM
Sun Devil 92, no he is not really into talking about feelings. I guess I am just used to what I had in the past and this is new and plus, it's nice to hear those words. We don't tend to have emotionally charged conversations.
 RomanticNotion
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 6
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 4:46:12 PM
He's probably trying not to overuse it. Saying "I love you" all the time makes it less special when you hear it.
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 7
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 4:49:04 PM

Sun Devil 92, no he is not really into talking about feelings. I guess I am just used to what I had in the past and this is new and plus, it's nice to hear those words. We don't tend to have emotionally charged conversations.

I think you know what I'm going to type. Guys do not all act the same way. You are dating a guy that doesn't normally describe his emotions to others, and you have noted the positives and negative aspects of dating such a person.

I am certain that he loves you. However, you need to determine if you can continue being in a relationship with a man such as this. A part of loving someone is accepting them for who they are - within reason.
 rthrdent
Joined: 12/7/2009
Msg: 8
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to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 4:50:13 PM

He's probably trying not to overuse it. Saying "I love you" all the time makes it less special when you hear it.


Bingo.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 9
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 4:51:15 PM
OP I am one that thinks the phrase is over used your BF could be the same way.
If I say it I mean it.

I think if it bothers you then next time the timing is right, saying to the effect of,
You know I know you love me and I actually need to hear it often along with all the great things you do to show me.

Some of us think actions are better than words
 somephxguy
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 10
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 5:24:07 PM

Does he love me?

Is your love contingent or conditional upon him loving you?
Does he show it just not say it?
Were you having communication problems, such as him not being open, and you being unable to ask him how he feels, so you both threw that out there to get the other to stick around and get what you could knowing it was going to fail sooner or later?


Why would a guy only say it once and then never say the words again?

Because he may be picking up that you see it like a treat you give a dog to make it happy.
Could be you say it expecting to hear it back and he doesn't want to use it as payment to your words.
Could be he is still thinking about it to determine if he means it or not. Especially if he sees you've changed personalities into Ms. Insecurity so he loved who you used to present yourself as and is waiting for her to come back.


Is the whole love thing different now that I am in my 30s?

Yes. It's mutated and is now antiviral resistant. Especially the Australian strain.
Has your definition of love changed over time? Do you keep defining it differently?
If you've changed your definition of love, then the whole love thing is different now. As that is your own personal emotion. Not some external disease that infects you...at least IMO.
 Wandering_But_Not_Lost
Joined: 12/4/2009
Msg: 11
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 5:36:14 PM
I think you should just forget it ever happened. He said it on his own before so I'm sure he'll say it again. Sounds like your forcing it now. Just let it be natural. Say it if it feels like the right time. He's probably just not the kind of guy to say it with every hello and goodbye.

Hope I've helped.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 12
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to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 6:51:16 PM
Not a guy but here it goes. He said it once most likely because at that time/place it was the only way(verbal or action wise) he felt he could express it. He has probably shown you with actions/comments other ways that he loves you, just not using those 3 word to do so.

I have to agree w/ the other posters that if you start to demand he say it to you all the time, it will sound as if you are insecure. Insecure in your ability to be loved/lovable or in him and his honesty. After enough time, if you continue to demand he say "I love you" constantly, he may begin to resent it.

How do you know he will "never" say it again? A few weeks isn't forever. If he said it to you once and went 50 years before saying it again, that could be an issue.

And why do you need to be told constantly that he loves you? Does it make it more true? More real and less like something just said to gain an advantage? Or is there some issue in yourself that is causing this need for daily affirmation that "you are good enough, smart enough, and doggone-it he loves you"?
 Elgalawaat
Joined: 11/24/2008
Msg: 13
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to love or not to love
Posted: 12/19/2009 7:36:16 PM
He said he loved you once. You did not tell us about his actions toward you. Does he take care of your needs? if yes that is love. Love is actions not words. I know that women like to hear this word over and over That is fine. But if your guy does not see other girl and he goes the 9 yard to make you happy that is love. When you get your period does he squeeze fresh lemon drink for you and bring it to with the Tylenol, then fixes for you a chicken soup and chicken sandwich. Does he tuck you in bed with the cover after wards. That is the love. Called caring.
 cagedbird4u
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 14
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/20/2009 6:09:39 AM
Thanks to everyone who offered advice. I am sure that I am overreacting. Thanks and Happy Holidays!!
 ArtisticSoul
Joined: 10/13/2007
Msg: 15
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/20/2009 8:00:22 AM
I can say that I have said it before and very rarely afterwards. Not because I didn't feel that way, but because I am a little shy and that sort of thing leaves a man feeling vulnerable.
 soulseeker44
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 16
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/20/2009 8:59:41 AM
it could be that he loves you and does not just use the L word carelessly as to loose its special meaning, or he may have regretted using it in the first place.
 DaveB951
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 17
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to love or not to love
Posted: 12/20/2009 9:15:38 AM
IMHO it is more about some insecurities you harbor and that you need affirmation and reinforcement of his feelings on a constant basis then he feels a need to say it 8 times a day to you.

Would you rather have a man who says it once and means it to the depth of his soul or a man who says it a dozen times a day but doesn`t really mean it ?

 wayfarer4you
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 18
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to love or not to love
Posted: 12/20/2009 9:44:17 AM
O.p
action speak's louder then word's and yes in a way he should be telling you but he could be one of those guy's who would rather show you then tell you . so there it is I'm telling more man secret's and my man card could be pulled for letting this one outa the bag ..
Later daters
 Naissance Man
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 19
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/20/2009 12:10:48 PM

Talk to him about it. That works better than guessing. Talking was invented exactly so that what was in the mind of one human being could be transported into the mind of another, because guessing proved to be inaccurate.


LOL

Thumbs up!
 PEACE0FMIND
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 20
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/21/2009 9:49:44 AM
Guys show their love in different ways than women. Women like to say it, men like to show it. When a man says "I love you", he feels like that should cover anywhere from 2 months to a year of "I love You's". Some guys say it all the time, but most of them don't really want to say it, they just do it to appease you. I know women love to hear it, but when he stops showing you, that's when you should really be worried.
 okRob
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 21
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/21/2009 9:56:23 AM
It should be in the actions not just the words :) I agree it seems odd to say it then never repeat it but really, if it's there you should be able to feel it!?
 central-scrutinizer
Joined: 12/2/2009
Msg: 22
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/21/2009 11:00:19 AM
He just sounds like a dolt to me. Go ahead and explain, in a very nice manner, that if he really means it, that you like to hear it and want to hear it regularly. If he really loves you, he should be happy to accommodate.

Remember: in relationships, communication is key.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 23
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/21/2009 11:28:32 AM
I would rather be shown and treated like he loved me than told over and over.

Have you ever had someone treat you with disrespect and in the same minute say.."I love you"?
Not just SOs but family, children ect.
Save it and show me.

Igor..No snow or vampires here..
OK.. maybe one vampire.

I admit it is nice to hear op, but it is often overused.


 CaptainDad
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 24
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/21/2009 1:32:00 PM

He's probably trying not to overuse it. Saying "I love you" all the time makes it less special when you hear it.


Wow, multiple people saying the same thing.

The last thing I told my wife was the same thing I told her every day.. "Love you hun"

I'm glad as hell that I did then and as frequently as I did.

So why doesn't he say it to you all the time? Only he can tell you that. There are as many reasons for that as there are people who do that. That's one of those very difficult conversations
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 25
to love or not to love
Posted: 12/21/2009 1:51:35 PM
I read your handle as Caged Bird Flue! lol

Why don't you ask him? Quite simple.

I too, think Love should be in actions, not words, which are often quite meaningless anyway!

I have MUCH better self control now, but I remember once in the past getting caught up in the moment, (while drinking) and making that blunder, by uttering those words quite prematurely! I think we had ONLY been going out a year or so! lol
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