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 Chauvesouris2
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 1
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I'm a guy and I've been dating my girlfriend "Jane" for almost a year now, and I'm very happy being with her.

The problem is that I have a female friend "Sue" who knows full well that I am in a serious relationship, but she goes a little overboard with writing on my Facebook wall (as high school-ey as that sounds), and has said something along the lines of "we should talk on the phone or Skype (video chat) some time."

My girlfriend Jane has admitted that she is a little bit of the jealous type, and that she doesn't like that Sue is "all over me." Honestly, I can understand how she can be a little jealous, as I'm the same kind of person -- if it were reversed, I'd probably feel the same way. It's difficult to tell Sue to "back off" because I can't be sure that she is attracted to me like that, and it's egotistical of me to assume that she is. But at the same time, I want to do something about it.

Any ideas? Thanks!
 BritPup
Joined: 1/14/2007
Msg: 2
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:28:20 PM
Simple. Don't reciprocate. Be polite and friendly, but don't "go there". It will sort itself out.
Also, be transparent with your girl, and everything should be good.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 3
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Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:37:25 PM
I don't know anything about Facebook, but can't you just set the protocols so that this woman can't post things on your page? Wouldn't that solve the whole thing? People get WAY bent out of shape over this sort of Facebook nonsense.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 4
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Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:38:15 PM
Just delete her posts from your wall.
 Jewlsey*
Joined: 1/24/2009
Msg: 5
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:41:13 PM
You can set it up so that her posts don't show up on your wall. I think it's in the privacy settings. You could also delete her posts on your wall.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 6
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:42:03 PM
Ask her not to write anything suggestive on your wall. If she cannot deal with that, then remove her as a friend.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 7
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Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:43:06 PM
Talk to your friend. Tell her that you aren't comfortable with what she writes and why - be sure you tell it to her the way you did to us (as in don't put all the blame on your girlfriend). If Sue is a true friend she'll respect you for telling her and back off.

Edit: The advice to be transparent is very good. If you put this friend's posts on a private setting and your girlfriend finds out it will definitely look like you are trying to hide something.
 Zebracolors
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 8
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:47:02 PM

Don't reciprocate. Be polite and friendly, but don't "go there". It will sort itself out.
Also, be transparent with your girl, and everything should be good.


^This. But I might also add that maybe don't openly presume anything or confront Sue until such time(if it happens) that you're certain she is possibly trying to steal you. And as to when that will be, I can't say of course, that will be up to you as you know this person more then us here.

Also make sure you keep on reassuring Jane that she does not need to worry about loosing you, but don't keep anything from her about the situation. It might mean alot to Jane if she sees you're trying to handle this like a mature adult. Hope this helps and good luck.
 wishingwell555
Joined: 10/29/2009
Msg: 9
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:48:24 PM
If she is aware of you having a serious relationship, then just tell her
to back off You are already taken.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 10
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:54:06 PM
i've done this quite a few times and never lost the friendship. just be honest and tell her how much you appreciate her and could she help you in making sure your girlfriend is feeling comfortable and not threatened. easy enough. she should get that.
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 11
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Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:58:56 PM
Send PRIVATE email to Sue telling her that because you are serious about Jane, you will ONLY talk on the phone or skype with Jane.

Also, DELETE all inappropriate messages from Sue on your facebook WALL, past, present and future.


 whenwillthiswork26
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 12
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Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 9:07:03 PM
I would forget the whole thing and tell your girlfriend it means nothing.

It is not your problem nor Sue's problem. I don't see anything wrong with her wanting to chat. Sue might be trying to make your girlfriend jealous as some girls do.
I don't see it as a problem.
You and your girlfriend should be mature enough to ignore things like this.
It's stupid.

I don't like facebook for this reason and don't participate on it at all.
The logical solution is to delete your facebook account.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 13
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Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 9:07:49 PM
OP -- High-schooly indeed man.

I can't believe that you or "Jane" are even bothering to get remotely worked up about WORDS. So "Sue" decides to suggest you talk on Skype or whatever. So what? Now if she was posting things like "You know, I'm SO much better for you than anyone else...call me sometime for details!"...that'd be different.

What you posted about is VERY benign. Saddens me that people would get jealous of such piffle.

I think both of you need to step back and take stock in what each other means to the other. If words can get you both so easily riled, then you have no future together. If you can get worked up over such benign things, it's done before it ever began.

JMO.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 14
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 9:11:55 PM
Yeah, I see the dilemma. Sue might just be the eager-puppy-dog kinda friend, and not after you. It's entirely possible she does this with everyone. Likely, no; she's probably hitting on you - but, possible, yes; she could be that oblivious.

So just follow the usual steps with anyone who's being over-friendly. Say thanks for all the attention, you appreciate it, but your life is really full right now and you don't have room to add a closer friend at this time. Honest insofar as it goes, and she should get the message if she is not an imbecile.

Or you could go blunter. Explain that you're sure she doesn't mean to be flirtatious, but it can look that way, and since you're in a relationship, you're not entirely comfortable with this degree and quality of attention from her. It's dissembling a little, since she probably does mean to be flirtatious, but here she'll get the message even if she is an imbecile. If you go with this option and she asks exactly what seemed flirtatious, don't explain further (that's a trap!), just say, "Look, I'm really not comfortable." Repeat as necessary.

And if there's no reason not to burn bridges, you could just un-friend her on FB. I'd only hesitate on that if you are at all likely to encounter her professionally at any point in future.
 honeyangel1985
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 15
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 9:19:59 PM
Sue is definitely overstepping the line. If it's making your gf uncomfortable Sue needs to be dumped. Your gf is more important that Sue is.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 16
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 9:25:16 PM
You are right, it's egotistical to tell Sue to back off when she only said these lines:

"we should talk on the phone or Skype (video chat) some time."

I didn't see anything overboard or suggestive on those lines unless you guys have a special vocabulary with regards to phone or skype. Nevertheless, it seems harmless to me and you and Jane should just clean and clear your minds.
 actualizing
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 17
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 9:31:21 PM
Holy Video Chat Batman!! Tell Sue to buckle down or back off. It's that simple.
 Man_of_steele
Joined: 12/6/2009
Msg: 18
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 10:02:53 PM
It's good for your girlfriend to feel a little jealousy and competition, but only as long as you secretly know you would never screw around on her. But if this Sue chick is getting legitimately irritating, just tell her in private that she needs to back off a bit with the posts.

Also, understand that when you are in a relationship, women will want you more than if you were single. It's competitive female nature. They want what they can't have, and would feel a larger sense of "accomplishment" if they "stole you away" from someone than if they simply hooked up with a single guy.

If you ask me, you have a good thing going here. Two women competing over you. It will keep your girlfriend focused on "keeping" you, and give her something to complain about. Women always need something to complain about. *laughs* Just make sure you keep your nose clean. There's no excuse for cheating.
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 19
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 10:09:07 PM
Yeah...but you're 18...and telling you to delete your facebook account is tantamount to telling you to cut off your right hand. So instead, post something back like "Sure...would you mind calling when Jane is here so we can all talk together...my friends are her friends."

 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 20
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 10:12:28 PM
It's no different then running into somewhere in the grocery store.

Profess your love to the other person and to anyone else that might be listening.

It's not rocket science. She writes you. You say Hi. I'm in love.

I bet that problem goes away.
 ooobaby 01
Joined: 10/14/2009
Msg: 21
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 10:14:27 PM
Simple.....set your privacy settings so that nobody can write on your wall.....that's what I did!!!
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 22
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 10:14:35 PM

It's not rocket science. She writes you. You say Hi. I'm in love.

Ha! Way to cut to the chase...

I bet that problem goes away.

I bet you're right.
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 23
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Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 11:39:28 PM
geez, people are way too jealous. This is why once people get in relationships, it's like their whole world ceases to exist outside that significant or whatever other. I'm gonna have friends, they are not always going to be of the same sex and I am going to develop good friend relationships over my life, and not worry if someone gets their wing wang in a tizzy over it. It's just life! ROFL

M
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 24
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Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 11:44:43 PM

Any ideas?
Yes.. when "Sue" writes things like:
"we should talk on the phone or Skype (video chat) some time."
You should write on her wall that "doing that would be disrespectful to my girlfriend "Jane".. You're a girl "Sue" you know what you girls are like." followed by a "gotta keep my girl happy"..

Sue otta get the hint and it won't make you look like you're over-estimating "Sue's" intentions either.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 25
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 11:49:26 PM
OP, your 18, now I don't know how old these girls are, but it does come off as highschool. Whether Jane is jealous or not, doesn't matter, that's her problem. But you shouldn't disrespect her, being involved with Sue would be disrespect.

I don't really understand your difficulty with telling Sue. You simply explain, Jane is a little bit jealous, that you understand she(sue)is just a friend, but since it makes Jane feel bad, tell sue to dial it down a few notches, to not make her(Jane) feel bad and your life more difficult.

As for if Sue likes you, who cares! Your with Jane and Sue should respect that.

There it is, unless this is real HS sh1t, then you can add some more drama.
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