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 Wholehearted5
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 1
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?Page 1 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
Just some thoughts gathered from several different conversations...

I wish dating was not a complicated or frustrating process, but it is governed by a complex chemical mixture of body chemistry and environmental conditioning. This means there are subtle rules and undertones to everything we do and perceive when we meet someone for the first time. We will not always succeed with everyone we meet. Something is going on that limits our success with prospective partners.

At times, dating is a hard business and it can wear us down. We must be prepared to take things on the chin occasionally and be prepared for runs of bad luck, as to when we will meet our "Perfect Match." This is when our confidence, ambition, the regular nature of our lives and our eternal optimism will shine through. This is also why we often meet people when we are slightly off our guard. We have standards and criteria. If dating and matching was so easy, we would meet our perfect person within days of looking and oddly, this would lead us to feel discontent later, because of the wondering about who else we could have met. No, dating is a long slow process which may wear us down, but which at the end of the day, makes us confident when we “DO” finally meet the right person.

I find that I meet plenty of nice people who appeal to be willing partners, but there is some form of spark missing, something indefinable that I cannot put my finger on. The result of this is to make me start questioning myself. I think…well I have just met some great people lately and there was nothing wrong with any of them, but yet I don't want to date them, maybe there is something wrong with me? And then I take a break from the dating scene, convincing myself all the while that I am better off being single.

The truth is that many of us end up in long term relationships, but we are starting to lose patience. Like everything else in our consumer lives, we want to buy our lifestyle from a store. We don't like waiting for things. The idea of waiting indefinitely to meet someone we can picture so clearly in our heads, can drive us crazy!

Maybe dating is hard because we are constantly reminded of our “single” status by the media? We go on successive dates and we feel (almost always) let down. Out heart is raised and then it sinks half way through dinner, if not within minutes of meeting the other person, because yet again, we know instinctively that this date is going nowhere. We don't know why, we just accept the situation. The worst is when we see the person of our dreams, maybe we even met them in the past, but they are happily attached.

I think as single people, there is a growing resentment that we are victims of some crime. That life is being unfair to us. Even the poorest of people in the most remote of countries, appear to find love much easier, yet we struggle. Surely, it can't be so hard to find someone who is all the simple things we ask for? Someone who will love us like we love them? That's just part of it, since we have built up a growing amount of love inside our hearts, but nobody to share it with.

What we do is stick to our guns and move on. We keep dating and we keep meeting people. We concentrate on enjoying our lives. We prepare for days when we don't feel optimistic, becoming experts about ourselves. We take a good look at our lives and we see if there is anything to fix. Beyond that, we stop worrying about being single and being left on the shelf.

The great irony of “feeling down” when we are dating is appreciating that dating is hard. The fact that being in a relationship is even harder! Many of our married friends state, not every day is sunny. However, I think many “single” people would agree…we would trade being in a relationship any day, for the thought of being alone…
 wishingwell555
Joined: 10/29/2009
Msg: 2
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 7:31:07 AM

The great irony of “feeling down” when we are dating is appreciating that dating is hard. The fact that being in a relationship is even harder! Many of our married friends state, not every day is sunny. However, I think many “single” people would agree…we would trade being in a relationship any day, for the thought of being alone…


I usually do not read long posts they do not hold my interest unless they
are really interesting to Me! This post is interesting but very depressing.
It is not the way I feel about dating at all. Dating gives me hope of really
finding that special relationship for a future. Even though some are
unfortunately no match, I have made a step to try and see if he was a match
for Me. I am older lady but many women and men do not feel the way
you have written here. Thank God for that!
This is a pitiful Post of discouragement on your part. IMO
 BBQ Spider
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 3
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 7:33:07 AM
Thank you for the encouraging word. It IS tough -- but that's no reason to not do it.
I think a key thing is to relax and enjoy the process if you can.

I relate most to your 3rd paragraph. I corresponded with about 100 men, to wind up with about 10 internet dates and NONE of those guys were losers, I liked em all. I'd've been willing to correspond with 1000 more, and go on 100 more dates, if that's what it took, to get a match.

We two immediately felt like we fit together well, and more than a few of our friends remarked "oh my God, you two were made for each other."

I'm a flaming dork, but he somehow doesn't seem to notice. So I really feel like if I can find my True Love, anyone can.

Keep at it.
 BOT TAK
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 4
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 7:40:24 AM
I don't want to date them, maybe there is something wrong with me? And then I take a break from the dating scene, convincing myself all the while that I am better off being single.
Maybe you ARE better off being single? To meet someone special without intention to meet? Just because
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 5
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Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 7:47:52 AM
As I recall, dating in my 50's wasn't tough at all. It was much easier than now, that I'm in my 60's.
 Samantha44
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 6
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 7:49:37 AM
Dating can be difficult but well worth all the frogs when you meet that special someone.

Op don't let all relationships that people are in get you down about being single....I can tell you nothing is what it appears to be. There are few relationships that I admire and say.....WOW I wish I could have/find that!!!! I think most people settle fear of being alone( not me however) most don't even know what true love and commitment is..... I wouldn't trade being single for a so so relationship.....I want the real macoy or no deal!
 Mizphitz
Joined: 9/12/2009
Msg: 7
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 7:52:48 AM
I've got until March before I can fully answer this one ....but I'd say as I get older dating gets easier - I'm much more relaxed about who I am, no longer desperate for a man's approval and no longer get myself into a "tizzy" if he doesn't call etc.......I'd hate to be young again and go through all that angst.

I'm much more choosey too, as I no longer worry about being "left on the shelf" so am far less likely to just "settle" with anyone.
 indefatigabilis
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 8
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 8:26:49 AM
By now, meaning old enough to know, been there and done that, around the block a few times, over the hill and heading down the other side, having been to the mountaintop, people have the experience to date and mate more easily than when younger. Obviously then, experience means nothing in this enterprise.

What we lack are reproductive imperative, youthful appeal, unstoppable high hopes, and great expectations. And what is dragging along behind us is the chain we forged in our love life.

At the time of life when more than ever before we should be glowing with affection, brimming with generosity, beaming with understanding, humming with wisdom and teeming with encouragements, instead we have calcified into fossils of wary prejudice, and peek out through narrow slits in hopes of seeing eye to eye. By we, I mean you guys. It was a trick. I'm a cupcake of love, myself, a fountain of affection in an desert of sear and leathery hearts.

What dating has become, is binary. There is only the instant switch of on or off, yes or no. It is the impatience of approaching death, no time to waste as it runs out, as every moment must count, because it's now or never, a mistake now could be your last chance wasted, and, worst of all, is the possibility of a final confirmation of your doubts, from which there is not enough time left to recover. Compare all of the harm and damage that could be done your frail self to the far-fetchedness of your romantic fantasies and tell me how the shame of silliness could protect you in the fool's errand of elder love. It has to be about the immediate identification and mitigation of threat; that is what the experience has done. It's knowing how to spot a leopard in its tracks, every color of red flag, and all of the pick up lines are the oldest in the book by now. Anything found can be and is quickly designated as some kind of wrong, and that person is dismissed, and that was another close call.

These are the truisms we gather to share. We trade in the riches of rationalization, saying how to know it's not right, debunking every glimmer as a lie, reminding of the punishments awaiting those who dare to hope and try. We are masters of being all dressed up and complaining of nowhere to go, sharing travel tips that say why to avoid going to any possible destination, and why to avoid any route there.

Shut-ins with excuses, but wonderful philosophers, and some poets and some torch bearers, but nobody who is making it as easy as it would be, without trying so hard to keep it impossible.

I think dating is easy, but pointless. I can plan a date, dress for it, show up, sparkle as needed, enjoy the time spent together, and return home again in one piece. It's as easy as going to the corner store and back. For loggers, and the women who love them, it's as easy as falling off a log. But it is pointless because I will not be, and she will not be, no matter what, either as good as, or worth as much as, or however the decision is made to throw the switch to "yes". The binary sorting was done already, and put us here, and we can only continue to flip the way we do, even thinking of it as our judgment, when it is really just how we are. We had the thing going once, and shut it down. We were there, then left. We built it then destroyed it. To ever say yes again would betray the trust we have in ourselves to know better than to ever make that mistake again. Let the people who are doomed to welcome love with arms wide and legs unclenched, let them suffer the horrific fate of having something that to lose would be too terrible. We know to say no, instantly, ruthlessly, wisely, lest love return to make untidy the cultivated shambles of our lonesome lives.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 9
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 8:39:11 AM
Yes I know how you feel. I try to look within more than without though, but yea sometimes I feel like I have lost my mojo temporarily.
For me, this happens when Iam heavy into my studies and have taken on more than I can handle and am in the "keep going mode".
You see I like challenges, I am a nerd, sooo I can get wrapped up into a challenge.
I am constantly trying to create balance in my life.
When I am successful than everything looks rosier, when I am unbalanced then I can not see the forest for the trees.
One day at a time.

Indefatigabilis you are a great philosopher and their is much truth in what you say, but you have forgotten the joy of having a comrade.
Sure we are not looking for a father or mother of our children anymore those days are gone.
However I am looking for a chum to laugh with, tease, have profound thoughts with, sit in silence with and sometimes bicker with.
 adventurousme57
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 10
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 8:50:24 AM
I love this topic. I just stripped my profile down to nothing and rewrote from my gut last night. I had one guy respond in a similar way that was completely refreshing. How can it be there is this place where so many eligible, available people are free for the picking but really aren't eligible OR available? Or maybe they are but they are missing something? Ugh...so exhausting.

It's a curse...internet dating. We all want what we want and there really should be many of those people here since there are such vast numbers, but seemingly it's like searching for the proverbial needle.

I decided to just get on with my life. I honestly FEEL like my match is "out there". I just haven't met him yet and I'm much happier if I let go of the results and am true to myself in the process. I don't want to feel exhausted about dating but I DO!

Wouldn't it be great if we could all meet in person and share these thoughts together? Like a study group! I bet we'd all fall in love if there were no pressure like there is when you meet someone on a date. Maybe that's the secret!
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 11
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Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 9:28:01 AM
I am VERY happily single. I have MANY friends and positive people and relationships in my life.

Life is very, VERY good.

I CHOOSE to be single over being in a relationship with someone I don't want to be. There are men who want to be EVERYTHING to me. That's not what I want or need.

Sex is VERY easy and is always available if I want it.

I'm healthy, active, energetic. I have LOTS of FUN.

I have the FREEDOM to come and go as I please.

I am 50 and LOVING it.

 breath~
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 12
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 9:32:46 AM
A line from the OP:
....What we do is stick to our guns and move on. We keep dating and we keep meeting people.....
Nope.
"We" don't keep dating.
Not I, said the little red hen.
I don't even know what it MEANS to 'date'.
Another line from the OP:
We concentrate on enjoying our lives.
There ya go.
That's a "we" I can jump in on.
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 13
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Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 9:44:18 AM
I am VERY happily single. I have MANY friends, positive people and relationships in my life.

Life is very, VERY good.

I CHOOSE to be single over being in a relationship with someone I don't want to be with. There are men who want to be EVERYTHING to me. That's not what I want or need. I'm independent and VERY self-sufficient. I EXPECT to meet a man that I want to be with be who also wants to be with me. I look forward to being in a happy, healthy, successful LTR and calmly, patiently work toward that goal.

Sex is VERY easy and is always available if I want it.

I'm healthy, active, energetic. I have LOTS of FUN. I spend time with my children, family, friends and I date. Male companionship is only ONE facet of my life, one thing that I want/need.

I belong to numerous clubs that interest me, hiking, bike riding, euchre, poker, etc. I volunteer in my local community every week.

I meet new people EVERY day and make friends, easily.

I have the FREEDOM to come and go as I please, which is EXTREMELY important to me.

I am 50 and LOVING it.



Very nicely written post, indefatigabilis.

 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 14
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 10:34:20 AM
Oh indefatigabilis....you crack me up... you're so wise and jaded!

I snuck a peak at the OP's profile, and I'm going to steal one of his quotes that I found much more profound.
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
(George Bernard Shaw)
^^^Now that is going to be my new philosophy about life! Bring it on...all of it...the joy and the pain, the tears and the laughter, the love and the heartache...
I refuse to live an unlived life.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 15
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Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 10:39:23 AM
I dunno, lol! Never dated. What I seem to have done, the whole of my life, is to have met people. Hung out wit' them. Made connections. Sometimes the connections would lead to inviting them to dinner. Pretty much the same now, 'cept the hanging out is over the internets. No difference really ~~ the time and space for souls to disrobe enough that they become clear. I do know that when I disregard the lead-in time, the getting to know each other time, that some unpleasantness is the result.

But on the whole I *really* like other humans, being. They are fascinating to me, their stories are fascinating, and how they deal with the world is also. So no loss in the getting to know one, ever. Where the loss comes in, and it does, sometimes, is when our paces are a BIG mismatch, and I let myself be propelled forward before I'm ready or interested: *that* is a waste of time for both of us.

I can't say I've regretted *any* relationship in my life. Nope. They haven't all turned out wunnerful. I, like any other breathing critter have gotten singed on occasion. Even a few broken spirit bones. But *all* without exception have taught me something of myself and the world that it was necessary to learn. I try practice learning more gently, but don't always succeed. Nevertheless, I am enormously grateful for the opportunity to keep trying, keep learning.

 MondoVman
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 16
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Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 10:42:28 AM
Finally, another Thread For All Seasons. Thanks OP!
 desert rat 2010
Joined: 12/11/2009
Msg: 17
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 10:45:31 AM
It's tough if your a man looking on the Internet, easy if you're a woman. When I send a message, there's a 95%-100% chance it won't be answered, even if I match the description of the man she is looking for to the tee. At least this site is free, so why pay for a site to get no answers, such as Match? The best I can figure is most guys are over 6' tall in California and resemble Johnny Depp or George Clooney, because a sincere normal working man doesn't stand much of a chance. At least there's still the real world outside of cyber dating! Besides, I have a good life, so there's not that much of a loss.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 18
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Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 11:19:26 AM
It's tough if your a man looking on the Internet, easy if you're a woman.

It's no easier for women. It just depends on where you are, how old you are, what you're looking for, what you're willing to do or not do. And a lot depends on your own attitude. Personally, I enjoy making friends wherever they are. I like finding out about other lives, their likes and dislikes. It's a good thing, because that's mostly what I do, no dating. Not so far, anyway. That's not to say I wouldn't like to find someone special, but that isn't very likely as long as I live where I do. I know some people, old friends actually, who would be more than happy to share the rest of their lives with me and I'd be just as happy with them. The problem is distance - they can't get here from there, and I can't get there from here.

PS: This is not intended to be whining, complaining, or bitter. It's just a realistic view of my life. Reality is infinitely easier to deal with than being disappointed by one fantasy after another.
 desert rat 2010
Joined: 12/11/2009
Msg: 19
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 11:27:31 AM
^^^By 'easier' I meant that you will at least get replies and inquiries at a much higher rate than most men. With those kind of odds, which sex has an easier time making a choice? With that in mind, which has it tougher? Personally, I can't see why a woman would be on this site for years, as some are. Make your pick and delete your account, that's what I will do.
 MAGIC_MARCO
Joined: 11/16/2007
Msg: 20
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Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 11:32:14 AM

It's tough if your a man looking on the Internet, easy if you're a woman. When I send a message, there's a 95%-100% chance it won't be answered, even if I match the description of the man she is looking for to the tee. At least this site is free, so why pay for a site to get no answers, such as Match? The best I can figure is most guys are over 6' tall in California and resemble Johnny Depp or George Clooney, because a sincere normal working man doesn't stand much of a chance. At least there's still the real world outside of cyber dating! Besides, I have a good life, so there's not that much of a loss.


Gotta be careful here, bud. Comes across as whiny and negative, no matter how true.

This IS a true story:
Last winter sometime, I was on POF on a weekend night. I thought I might try a little experiment.
I left my profile completely intact; age, headline and all.
All I did was replace all my pics with one of George Clooney in a t-shirt. I then forgot about it and clicked onto other things.
About 90 minutes later , I went to my email. There must have been 15 messages from POF- ers . There were at least three from women who I had written to before and never heard a peep out of.
"Is that really you?"
" How did I miss you"
" I love the look "
"Can I get on your date list?"

Remember now. Same age , same write up I always had.

Some women caught on right away, and asked what I thought I was doing, getting them all worked up like that. I told them I was doing a study on superficial women tonight. Do you want to participate?
One woman from Seattle wanted to come down here and meet me . After I filled her in, she demanded to see my real pic. She said she had guys all over the country wanting to date her, so I should hurry the hell up.
I wrote back a couple of the locals .They acted like they knew what was going on and were still interested , but fizzled out in short order.

So , no lengthy philosophy here . Just real life POF experience.

Take from it whatever you care to.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 21
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Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 12:04:22 PM
^^^By 'easier' I meant that you will at least get replies and inquiries at a much higher rate than most men. With those kind of odds, which sex has an easier time making a choice? With that in mind, which has it tougher? Personally, I can't see why a woman would be on this site for years, as some are. Make your pick and delete your account, that's what I will do.

LOL! You are living in fantasy land, for sure. Want a little cheese with that whine? Most of the messages I get are those from the youngsters saying in a variety of ways "wanna f*ck?" Not someone younger than my son, that's for sure

There are plenty of men around me, but their criteria excludes me, and I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than end up with one of them, thankyouverymuch.

As I've probably said before, there are maybe 5 men within a 200 miie radius I'd consider as potentials for an ltr, and it's just as clear they don't see me the same way. It's that location thing - it strikes again. As for casual dating, forget it. I've had some men set up and plan dates, then not show up. Or even contact me to apologize or make any kind of excuse. It's just the way it is. Real life.

Oh, and as for those inquiries and replies, forget that, too. One inquiry - he was a no show. I'm on some other sites, and have gotten some very weird inquiries from them - like 'got any nekkid pix?' For pete's sake, I'm over 60. Not gonna do that, for sure. 'I have my own condo - want to move in?' That one obviously didn't bother to read my profile at all, where did he think a horse would fit inside a condo? I could go on and on, but I won't. If someone's profile looks interesting, I send a message. Some, mostly those at a distance, have replied and we've become friends to a greater or lesser extent, most by far don't reply, about 5% do but after a couple of exchanges, they go *poof*, just like some of the threads on the forum.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 22
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Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 12:16:09 PM
"I think as single people, there is a growing resentment that we are victims of some crime. That life is being unfair to us."

Wow, do people really buy into the above?

With that kind of attitude dating the person would be very hard indeed.

A fair number of us are quite content with the single lifestyle. We aren't here to collect dates. If we happen to find someone who seems like fun (in real life) then we would date them, but dating may or may not be as far as it goes.

I would date more, if I ran into less whiners.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 23
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 12:20:03 PM

To ever say yes again would betray the trust we have in ourselves to know better than to ever make that mistake again. Let the people who are doomed to welcome love with arms wide and legs unclenched, let them suffer the horrific fate of having something that to lose would be too terrible. We know to say no, instantly, ruthlessly, wisely, lest love return to make untidy the cultivated shambles of our lonesome lives.


I must say this was very powerful.. I think we should all get back in our time machines and be transported back in time.. I still love an Old Fashioned Love Song..

Now where did I put my bicycle built for two..

thecatsmeoww
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 24
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 12:27:17 PM

So, I'm reworking myself, yet again. I look in the mirror and try to figure out what signals I'm sending out, what I'm doing wrong. I can attract women, that's not the problem. The problem for me seems to be attracting a woman of quality that will put up with my smug, pretentious seeking perfection attitude. The deficit is about me, not them.
See any of yourself in that?


That is going to be a difficult challenge for you living in "The City".. Hope you like a nice challenge like I do.

thecatsmeoww
 Lively Annie
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 25
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 12/27/2009 2:36:04 PM
Lovely Tread and interesting - you must think about how you feel about dating or if it is really what you want. Perhaps you are in your comfort zone and not to happy to come out of it? In reality dating at 50 is no more difficult than it was at 20 the only difference is at 50 you are aware of the pitfalls; the differences and it is no longer just a chemistry click - at 50 you are looking at the complete package and sometimes we can look for too much and perhaps not see what is nearer our hearts. Open your mind and it will open your heart - it is the power of thought, the wish, and the Secret coming into practice. Wish you well - don't give up you are too young and seem to have so much to offer. Slainte.
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