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 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 1
Dropping the Ball....Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I did a thread search but couldn't really find the answers I'm looking for, so I'm hoping my fellow forum friends can give me a hand...

In the past month I've probably been out on about 9 different dates, out of these nine there were 2 men I was definitly interested in and 1 man that I was semi-interested in. But regardless it all ended up the same way - no 2nd date. The two men I was interested in texted me within an hour of the date, telling me what a great time they had and making sure I got home OK...I would respond saying yes, I had a great time as well and a 'give me a call' type of thing...but there wasn't much follow up after that.

Most of the other men texted me as well, but it was a "had a nice time, take care"

I think I'm dropping the ball somewhere, because this has been a constant thing since I actively started dating again last month...but I'm not sure where I'm losing the communication.

Any advice??
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 2
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 6:49:17 AM
So why aren't you following up then? You do know the phone works in both directions, don't you?
In today's world a man maybe interested, but does not want to be accused of harrasment or of being a stalker. A lot of woman shun this theory but it is a reality for us men these days. The New Gentleman waits for the lady and follows her lead.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 3
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 6:52:11 AM
Oh, I definitly follow up in a non-stalkerish way...usually a text or e-mail, sometimes a call (depending on the guy), but I don't get much of a response...
 jdawg4876
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 4
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:23:29 AM
I think its not you but a constant problem with internet dating, I said this i na thread that got deleted I think sometimes its the grass is always greener over here.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 5
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:34:05 AM
FYI - I've been a forum poster long enough to know not to troll and seek attention.

I'm at the end of my rope here since every date I go on ends with the same result.

I was just hoping for some friendly advice or maybe some "do's and don'ts"
 LovelyLeonard
Joined: 12/30/2009
Msg: 6
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:44:10 AM
Hilarious how women want equal opportunities and that jazz but conveniently forget about it when it suits them.

You like the guy? phone the guy, the days of guys having to do all the leg work while women sits back and enjoys the attention is over. Only gullible men and doormats will continue to put up with it.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 7
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:51:34 AM

In the past month I've probably been out on about 9 different dates

Kind of difficult to venture a guess at what was in their heads. It could be with the amount of dating you're doing (you go, girl!) perhaps you're sending a vibe of disinterest or nonchalance. Or, perhaps you aren't spending enough time pre-date getting to know them (and vice-versa) which is leading to some confliction with them once you meet.

I think though, that them saying they had a good time and then...nothing, is just their way of trying to politely (or, fearfully) show their disinterest. IMO, it's not necessarily something you're 'doing' wrong per se...just more of a missed connection/attraction.





~ds~
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 8
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:54:56 AM
I wish I could help you. Its hard to imagine 9 guys didn't want a second date. I understand...some want something and if it doesn't come as quickly as they want they move on...but 9 like that in a row?

Honestly without knowing you or dating you...I haven't an answer.

But have found its best to email/call a bit before dating...enough to get to know someone, and if there is enough to really warrant a date.

Sorry, I couldn't help more.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 9
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:55:37 AM

Or, perhaps you aren't spending enough time pre-date getting to know them (and vice-versa) which is leading to some confliction with them once you meet.
.


That's actually a pretty good point. Usually there is a week between the initial contact and the first meet. Maybe I should push it to two weeks?
 1simplyamy
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 10
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:56:11 AM
From one female forum fishie to another. . . of course, you know about trolls and attention seekers, glad to see this thread up. I posted one recently that was deleted as redundant. I like you have had series of great meetings with nice guys. But either they are "poofers" and seem to disappear or very little response to messages.

I like you thought it must be me, till recently I met a really "nice guy" and had to let him no that though he liked me, there wasn't enough compatibility. He said that no one here has bothered to respond back with "not interested".

Is it possible that your meetings have not been able to word up to "not interested" or "not compatible"? I never thought about it till it was my turn to "fess" up not interested. Of course, done honestly and kindly was not easy, but it's the right thing to do.
 1simplyamy
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 11
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:04:12 AM
I think communication is a great thing, but I believe, at some point you should met. I don't think many of us are actually here for pen pals. In person, saves time with a bunch of e-messages to a person that may or may not be what their profile advertises (if you get the meaning). Better to know if there's recent pictures, if they truely own a car, have a job, don't live with their parents, etc. Or worse are a scammer, because they are out there.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 12
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:05:20 AM

Usually there is a week between the initial contact and the first meet. Maybe I should push it to two weeks?

Don't know if putting a timeline on the whole thing would help or not, OP. Whatever amount of time it takes to get to know them better in terms of their interests, goals, views on relationships, etc. A little more in-depth discussion versus the topical, superficial pleasantries. You may discover ahead of time that they aren't looking for the same things...whether out of life, or out of a successful date.

Some people date to try to find The One. Others date to fill a void in their social life or schedule. Figure out why you date and try to date others who share that same outlook.






~ds~
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 13
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:11:37 AM

Is it possible that your meetings have not been able to word up to "not interested" or "not compatible"?.


Well, what has me confused is that they seem extremely interested while with me...lots of talking, laughing, flirting. They *seem* to be really enjoying themselves, then somehow, post-date they lose interest...I keep thinking that I'm losing it during the follow up, but I don't know....
 Naganadoy
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 14
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:12:17 AM
online dating really is very backwards compared to the more normal way of dating in the Real Life. in Real Life you have a chance to talk to a person, watch a person, talk to other people who know that person etc and get to know SOMETHING about them BEFORE you even ask or go on a date. so you already do a lotttttttttttttttttttt of picking and chosing and filtering out in Real Life without really thinking about it.

ONLINE is backwards. you dont know jack squat about these people and then you decide to meet them. sooooooooooooooooooo i think its pretty reasonable to expect a whole whole bunch of first "dates" will never go further than that. on that first meeting you both have the chance to do the filtering that you would have already accomplished in Real Life.

its a whole different world in the cyber world.
but if you would like to see the guy again FOR SURE....let him know!!
YOU think of a cool idea for a 2nd meeting and see if he accepts.
This is no place for thin skin and hurt feelings tho.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 15
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:21:18 AM
OP, that's a hard one. I've had the "poofers", too. If you follow up a couple of times after the date like I do and it doesn't result in a second date, I guess those you weren't what they are looking for. Maybe they didn't feel the chemistry, but had a nice time talking to you. But out of 9 dates, and no second date is pretty dismal.
 1simplyamy
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 16
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:21:41 AM
Thanks dreamerzzz, never thought about on-line dating as backwards . . . after a meeting if there's no date or no second date, it's posssible that either I should have tried to schedule another meeting or found out if he had as good of time as I did.

Total agreement on the thick skin. . . on-line dating is no place for "wimps". But because it might be backwards, we may need to use different communication styles than with regular dating. Can't wait to give it a try
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 17
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:30:16 AM

But out of 9 dates, and no second date is pretty dismal. .


Yeah, tell me about it....I'm having a tough time...I wish there was something I can do to improve the situation...but since I get no feedback I'll never know...
 somephxguy
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 18
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:31:31 AM

I think I'm dropping the ball somewhere...Any advice??

Not really. I have no idea what's going on.
You go on one date. And no second date.
So something is happening between your first contact with them...and the last text on your date night. Or nothing is happening.

The "who I want" section of your profile is pretty vague. You like someone that can go out, or stay in. You don't like motorcycles. And you like guys with the all American look (suit? button down shirt and khaki's? Jeans? Shaved and goatee? Baggy pants and backwards ball cap? The emo qtip, tight pants and converse? Because these seem to be "all american" styles).

I have no idea what you really want in terms of guys, an image doesn't come to mind.
Therefore I have no idea what types of guys you attract or are attracted to.
So I have absolutely no idea of the interaction. Or what type of person you are.

For all I know you keep yourself tightly wound and reserved so guys think you aren't interested.
Could be the whole

telling me what a great time they had and making sure I got home OK

were simply attempts to drag some sort of emotional response or quest to determine interest from you which they didn't get during the date.

I have no idea how you are presenting yourself on your dates from the guys perspective.
So I can't tell you how you are dropping the ball.
Maybe they are dropping the ball.
Maybe you are avoiding the whole relationship thing so picking guys you know won't work.
Maybe you are picking guys you think you are supposed to go for, but you really don't want that type of guy or know how to interact with them.

If you gave an example of one guy and every single conversation you had I could actually tell you something.

Otherwise it's a vague "Could be you, could be them, could be a combination, maybe you are picking the wrong guy, maybe they are picking the wrong girl, it depends."


Maybe I should push it to two weeks?

Why would it matter? Would you prefer to chat online, text, and phone for two weeks, or a month, date once, and then no second date?
Maybe that's what you want? A secure and controlled technology based relationship where you can live in an idealized fantasy situation?


I'm not sure where I'm losing the communication.

I don't either. Are you calling them or waiting for them to call you? Are you going back to email after you've met for primary communication? Are you trying to live on text messaging? Are they? Do you talk a lot about nothing, or say nothing unless it has meaning?

Too many questions and no real information.
 feistyredangel
Joined: 7/9/2009
Msg: 19
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:31:32 AM
Honestly, I will say that texting is the killer of any potential relationship. For a guy to be able to click 900 times on a keyboard but can't put out 10 numbers to call you for 5 minutes is the biggest turn-off for me.

One thing I did notice with what you said is that you went out on 9 dates..so with the ones you were not interested in sit and think if you acted the same way to them as you did with the ones you were interested in? Sometimes it is good to play it cool but if you are feeling 'the vibe' it's good to let the other person know right then and there.

Don't give up...if they don't have the decency to follow-thru, then they aren't the right one for you.

But on a side note:

The New Gentleman waits for the lady and follows her lead.


and the other guy that says that she should call them.

Either party can pick up the phone yes, but if a guy wants to see her again, he will make it happen..hell or high water. IMO I have no use for a man that wants me to take the lead because I will drag him around like a raggedy doll. So the New Gentleman better be able to man up on the first date and on any other. One of my first red flags and deal breakers are if they can't even pick a restaurant out for dinner. If they can't make that little decision, then its done.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 20
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:41:21 AM
I believe alot of it has to do with internet dating.

Most likely they are looking at several women with the "grass is always greener" mentality
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 21
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:44:27 AM

One thing I did notice with what you said is that you went out on 9 dates..so with the ones you were not interested in sit and think if you acted the same way to them as you did with the ones you were interested in?.


I'm pretty sure I'm acting like I like the ones I'm interested in. If I'm not interested in them I'm friendly - I can usually tell if there is no romantic chemistry pretty quickly.

I just don't know...but at least now I know that I probably have a few things I need to work on....maybe I'm not communicating what I'm looking for well enough. I try to keep a first date light and friendly...
 ProcolHarem
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 22
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:44:35 AM
Hmmm...
Try sleeping with the next guy on the first date. That MIGHT get you a second one, but even if it doesn't you'll be no worse off.
 brown_eyed_woman
Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 23
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:53:55 AM
At the end of the day, it takes two people who want to meet up once more to be a succesful date.

They may have had fun, but they didnt find you intersting enough, in the timeline they had, to make further plans.

Does this mean you did anything wrong? No, it doesnt. It just means you went out with 9 men who dont see you as thier ideal date.

If you are following up with contacting them afterwards, and making it known you would be into another date, and they do not pick up the ball, then you did all you can do...and it's just a matter of moving on to someone else.

If you sense that they like you, but are not asking you out, maybe ask them out?
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 24
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:56:17 AM
I think you should be more assertive. If you definitely are interested in a guy I think you should contact him via phone or email (no texting) and invite him to join you for dinner, a movie, or whatever activity the 2 of you enjoy.
 Erinlove
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 25
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:57:31 AM
At least I get to put out before they disappear most of the time. Don't listen to that guy about "putting up with" women waiting for a guy. Guys are the fickle ones who want a blow job machine that pees beer and never has a problem with them, ever. They are also the ones that get turned off and freaked out by innocent communication, not us!
Go ahead and let him contact you first. If he really wants you good luck getting rid of him!

I get second dates by turning him on in a classy way on the first date.
Third dates are my problem. I think third dates may secretly mean they are trying to have a relationship or something. I'd be happy with sex but I'm not saying that to the guy, these internet dudes are sad.

Then these internet dudes usually write in 3 months to a year after to tell me how great is was and how he really liked me. I ignore it.
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