| | I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | Ok, so, just a touch of back story here, if Y'all don't mind :)
I am currently dating someone, and we are in an open relationship. This is 100% fine with me. I know I know, apparently its immature, whatever, that is not what I am asking about.
What I am asking, however, is whether or not it would be feasible to leave both of our ex partners out of the realms of open.. I don't know if this is fair or not, to throw some perspective on this, I also enjoy a healthy relationship with my ex, however, we have both made it clear that we will never engage in another boyfriend / girlfriend relationship together again.
I am not jealous of this woman in any way, though it may seem so to those who do not know me. Personally I view myself as very secure, however, his ex is not someone I wish to compete with, because, when you go on 5-10 years of built up feelings, as opposed to a new relationship, well, I would probably be the clear loser in that.
I know there will be a few nay-sayers, and probably even an insult to my person or two, but I am willing to risk it, for even one well thought out opinion.
Do you think that I am reasonable in my request to ask that he no longer carry on a sexual relationship with his ex?
I am all for moving forward with life, Y'know? | |
|
| |
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:16:25 PM | I guess you meant pretty open, not totally open.
Suppose the sex is the only thing you're open about, otherwise you're in a conventional type of relationship. Then an ex would bring an external emotional component that really doesn't belong there. If it's just sex, then just sex needn't involve an ex..
I suppose in anything there have to be a few ground rules, and this seems to be a fair one. | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:18:25 PM | I don't think that open relationships are immature. In fact, it requires A LOT of maturity and acknowledgement of feelings - both rational and irrational. But - let's take a look at what an open relationship IS.
An open relationship is one in which both parties state that sex is just sex. (I personally don't believe this, BTW - but I know people who do and understand the concept). Sex has nothing to do with feelings, it's just a physical release. To confine sex to one person, therefore, does not make sense. The sexual part of the relationship is 'open' but the emotional part is 'closed' in that your partner is your only emotional partner.
By this logic, if sex is just sex, what difference does it make if he has sex with an ex? As long as it's a sexual relationship and not an emotional relationship, what's the diff? If you are going to argue that sex with someone that you had emotional ties with will potentially re-kindle those emotional ties... well... you are getting away from the fundamentals of an open relationship, which is that sex is just a physical release.
So yes, in the confines of an open relationship, this is an unreasonable request.
NOW - if you are uncomfortable with this, then perhaps your views on sex are not what you think they are and this relationship may not be for you. Something to think about. | |
|
| |
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:20:56 PM | The only thing I feel the urge to mention is that, I feel it is leading her along. She was open with him as well, but different than we are. I feel that perhaps she is getting confused and strung along, which is DO NOT feel is fair to her. What I am trying to say, is if I was sure SHE could handle it, it would not be an issue.
Thank you for the responses :) | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:21:42 PM | | "Open" or polyamorous relationships are no different than other relationships in that there are some things that need to be negotiated. You are clear that you intend to continue to be "just friends" with your ex. Presumably, your boyfriend is OK with that. You are not comfortable with his continuing his emotional and sexual relationship with his ex. If you tell him that and he says that is not reasonable, you have a decision to make. If you are not comfortable with his choice of other partners and he is unwilling to negotiate what you both consider to be reasonable parameters, this arrangement is not likely to work. | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:22:19 PM | So: Are you saying you want to be the primary lover? He being committed to you but free to see others for some side fun, and you the same? If that's what you're wanting, then it's totally up to him if he agrees or not and it's totally up to you to accept his answer or.. not.
How can we tell either of you what to do in your own lives and how you choose to live it?
I will say, that if he chooses not to discontinue seeing his ex.. then that makes her more important to him than you. See what he says and then you decide.. Make sure you are 100% comfortable and don't just settle with his decison. Also: please be 100% honest with your fun-mates.. only fair they go in with full disclosure so they can make intelligent decision such as what you're now faced with.
.. To each their own .. | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:22:40 PM | | Also, we are committed to each other on an emotional level, as was above mentioned by someone else (thank you for putting it better than I could) We are boyfriend and girlfriend, just, we also like the thrill of being with others, and since we are both bi-sexual, it seemed to be a good route to satisfy both of our needs. | |
|
| |
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:34:00 PM | Doesn't 'open' mean open both in terms of communication and choices without restrictions?
Talk to him.If it's something that really bothers you.....of course your needs and worries are reasonable.....but I'm not sure how much so under these circumstances.
I assume you would also be giving up sex with your ex?
Not immature in my book...but alot more 'off-balance making' than I'd want to deal with in my life.
To each her own!
<div class='quote'>Personally I view myself as very secure, however, his ex is not someone I wish to compete with, because, when you go on 5-10 years of built up feelings, as opposed to a new relationship, well, I would probably be the clear loser in that.
Hmmm...are you worried about her...or yourself?
AS for how to bring it up....How about...I'm feeling a little insecure about your feelings about your EX.I don't want to lose you to her and I don't think she can handle being in this without pulling you back in emotionally speaking and it worries me.I would like to ask if we can revise our understanding and change it to us both ending our sexual relationships with our ex's and only have sex with people that don't threaten our realtionship or confuse our ex's.
| |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:42:10 PM | | Slightly both I must admit.. I really feel fine with exploring new partners, and we're both heavily into BDSM, the thing is, that I am honest with myself here. I know that were those feelings to re develop, between them...Well, I'd probably lose out. I also REALLY feel as though she does not understand that he does not want to be with her in a relationship again, and empathy makes me wonder how sad I'd feel in her shoes. I just feel as though she is not able to handle it the way we do. | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:43:13 PM | So is the open part just as along as its same-sex partners.....
LOL, so u don't want him to be with her, because you FEAR that he is leading HER on. LMAO.
If thats your reason, I say you're asking too much. If it is open, it is open. If you are the only *girl* he is sleeping with, then you're the only girl. But dont go expluding specific people. its all or nothing.
BOOM  | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:44:21 PM | | It sounds as though this could be a reasonable request. Ex's come with a lot of challenges. It's a tough one. I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have no issues with open relationships myself and have been in them but even when in that type of situation, we always had the right to say someone made us uncomfortable and negotiate the terms of that interaction. That's part of the process. You have to be comfortable communicating when something makes you uncomfortable. | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:47:11 PM | | I am 100% comfortable with communicating my thoughts and feelings to him. I just wanted to know if I was being irrational before I brought it up. I have been known to not think my thoughts through and act on them, only to change my mind or feel stupid, or even really, just realize that I was being a butt head..so that's why I was asking if this is a rational request. :) | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:55:33 PM | Well.I can say, you are not in control of anything but your reaction.
Every action has a reaction and all choices have consequences.
So....why not sit down,all three of you and have an adult conversation
to make sure everyone's on the same page?What have you got to lose?
I also REALLY feel as though she does not understand that he does not want to be with her in a relationship again, and empathy makes me wonder how sad I'd feel in her shoes. I just feel as though she is not able to handle it the way we do.
This would be confusing for almost anyone.Not sure how you separate feelings from sex to begin with,let alone from an Ex.And the worrisome thing is that you could just as easily wind up in her shoes,right?No wonder you feel empathy and fear at the same time.
But you have to read what you are saying and realize...that you are putting yourself in her shoes.....imagining being in them and to me...that says you might not be any more equipped to handle this than she is.
I didn't realize that open meant,competing.
Do you still have feelings for your ex? Does he know you don't ever want to be in a relationship with him? Does he think you are leading him on?Why do you continue to have sex with him? Man....way too much drama in it all for me....really wish you luck though!
Just sit down and talk to at least him.....really.Nothing we says will make any real difference. Just know your feelings are valid,but your giving some mixed messages right now.Get it clear in your heart and mind....and follow it. | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 4:26:23 PM | immature i think not, i was surprised to see you are only 20
your not being closed minded or selfish in anyway with your problem, very reasonable
sounds like you have a great open and honest relationship with your man
the great thing about your relationship is the honesty, mutual respect, and thats what makes love work
in this world there are so many options open to couples, its a pity that the stats show that nearly 60% of women and nearly 50% of men cheat and betray there marriages (STATS ARE FROM THE USA), when all they would have to do is be honest | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 4:30:48 PM | Thank you "want to travel" Honestly, in a world where I OFTEN (not saying any of you have) get called all sorts of horrid names because I initiated the open relationship, it is nice to hear your take on it.
I am still a bit unsure of how to broach the subject though. I tend to dive right into things with my thoughts all in a jumble and end up sounding odd. | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 4:30:55 PM | closer:
Doesn't 'open' mean open both in terms of communication and choices without restrictions?
Not at all. It can for some people, but generally, "open" refers to a relationship where there is openness to other partners. There is typically negotiation between primary relationships as to what everyone is okay with, what they'd like to happen, etc. Most couples with an open relationship have mutually agreed-upon guidelines of some sort.
zombie_geek:
1) I think your sense of insecurity regarding his ex is something you should bring up on its own regardless. You deserve to feel comfortable in your relationship and in his feelings for you. Keep in mind that he's not with her--he's with you. There's a reason they broke up, right? Having been in poly relationships, I can attest that people develop feelings for more peripheral relationships all the time. It can spell the end of what was a primary relationship, but it certainly doesn't have to, and probably doesn't more than it does. So talk to him about that piece regardless.
2) I think it's a reasonable request to make, but also keep in mind that it is just that. He may not be willing to agree to it. Let him know you're aware that there are two motives here: Both your insecurity, and your concern for her. He should certainly have clearly stated intentions toward her if she isn't sure where they stand, before getting back involved with her (or anyone else, for that matter).
Another compromise might be that you ask for at least a temporary moratorium on any involvement with her. It might be that further down the road, when she knows where she stands with him and you're feeling more secure in your relationship with him (and have more history behind you, since that's part of your concern), you might be fine with it. But you're not fine with it now, and that's okay. Talk to him, work out something you're both okay with. It's also not clear from what you said here that he's really looking to get sexually involved with her again regardless, so your worries may be more unfounded.
Doing open relationships well takes a great deal of maturity, so don't play into that stereotype. Do what works for your and your boyfriend--it's your relationship, so your opinions are the ones that matter here. Good luck! | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 4:48:53 PM | zombie geek, the truth is in our society monogomy is in the minority, most people have open relationships, but lie and betray there partners,thats why put the stats in, both of you are wonderful honest people who clearly have a lot of respect for each other,as for people calling you names, the only thing that comes to mind is honest and responsible
your both bi, and no one has to run around each others back to express your sexual preferences ,like so many 10s of millions of often married men,i fail yo see the logic in our society, to lie and betray, is perfectly ok, but if you open and honest, you are subject to name calling and being judged by other, who are doing the very same thing only in a dishonest way
as for your matter, i think and tryst you have enough wisdom and maturity to deal with it, i personally think your rite about the ex, its probably not a great idea, but it your choice | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 5:40:29 PM | I thought that , being no stranger to forums here, I should let you all know the outcome of our conversation. (It drives me nuts when someone posts, but never tells ya what happened LOL )
We had a talk about it, and he instantly agreed that not only is this rational for us, but it is better to move toward the future than be stuck in a past rut. (his words not mine )
He is currently speaking to her over the phone, letting her know that it cannot continue.
I guess this really is a measure of what a mature adult conversation can do for a relationship.. Though, temper tantrums are sometimes cute (Kidding) | |
|
| I am not sure if this is a reasonable request or not. (open relationships)
Posted: 1/9/2010 5:43:15 PM | | Open 'relationships' are not 'relationships' at all. If you live together, you are roommates who have sex. Nothing is valued that doesn't have some sacrifice associated with it. I've met people in 'open marriages' none of them have last more than a few months. Seems like a recipe for nonstop drama... All those rules being negociated and re-negociated. That being said, I hope the best for what you have. | |
|
Home
login 
