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 jaxchick
Joined: 1/7/2010
Msg: 1
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hi everyone.

Just a question to you all. If you went on a date with a person with a bag and you knew it, would it make a difference in your choice of a 2nd date? I am asking this because I am one and am tossing up whether this will really work for me... I know there are genuine men out there, so please don't think I am being negative.

I have had a couple of replies to my profile and as soon as they know what an Ostomate is, they disappeared... It is them missing out on my personality I know. Opinions are appreciated.

 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 2
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 2:55:22 AM
OP -- We all have different level of comfort that we're willing to accept. Different levels of "weird" we're ready to embrace. For some, this situation could present a weird factor that would turn them off. Admittedly, it would for me too.

I had a suspicion as to what it related to, but I went out looking and researching just to be sure as I've never heard the exact term. In my research, it was seen that those in your position can and quite often DO go on to experience happy and very fulfilled lives, with companionship/marriage/sexual relations/etc. So it's somewhat reassuring to know that there's plenty out there that get on just fine, even with this obstacle.

Just remember that PoF ain't so much a pond as much as it is a puddle...in depth for sure. Just means you'll have to seek harder and longer than most would, that's all.

Someone out there will be willing to look past everything and see the real you as-is. They won't even see anything else, let alone make it a turning point in their decisions to be at your side. It may take a lot longer than most though. Just keep that in mind, and keep poking around in the puddle.

Good luck.
 jaxchick
Joined: 1/7/2010
Msg: 3
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:10:30 AM
Thanks for your honesty. You are correct that most of us live the 'mostly normal life' as such... There are alot of us that go onto experience alot more trouble in the way of complications. I know there is someone you there for me as you say 'as-is'.

Again, thanks for the honesty, sorry it would turn you off but it is a 'body image' thing for us to start with, then there is feeling comfortable with what we have, then the relationship thingy... Like having a face full of zits you can't get rid of... You have to feel comfortable in your own skin and have the guts to get on a site like this and be honest.
 Warped_Humour
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 4
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:15:23 AM
Me personally? It would be a turn off. IF, the person I met already had it and had no plans of removing or could I guess. If I was already involved, different story of course.

In looking I saw there is a site to meet other Ostomates so you may want to try there if you find everywhere else is giving you none/little results.

My curious mind wants to ask if this is something you can even change at all? Or is it there for life? POF, does not represent a good majority of dating IMO. It's real worth is in the forums really. I am not saying love does not happen here, I am just saying in general, the odds are not so great no matter what is going on in your life.

Best of luck

EDIT

I answered my own question by actually looking it up. I also see it says these are SLOWLY being transitioned to K-Pouch or BCIR. Maybe that will be an option for you down the road. Again, best of wishes.
 jaxchick
Joined: 1/7/2010
Msg: 5
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:21:54 AM
It is there for life! Nothing to reconnect to! I do not understand all of your shortcuts. What is IMO? I would like the site address of the ostomates if you wouldn't mind. Many thanks. I live on the Gold Coast, Australia if that changes the situation.

I am sure love doesn't happen 100% or even 20% of the time on sites like this but you never know.
 Warped_Humour
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 6
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:25:02 AM
IMO=In my Opinion

Here is the site I saw. I did not research it, but here you go.

http://www.meetanostomate.com/

I am sure I just broke a rule for posting the site, but I can't message you based on me being way over here and you being way over there ;)
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 7
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:27:07 AM
There are lots of things which seem to be a turn off, looking at it from the outside.
Everybody has an idea of what's attractive and what's not.

Everyone has a preconceived idea of physical beauty and everyone thinks they would never get involved with someone who doesn't measure up to that idea.
Yet in all practicality, physical beauty is very over rated.
There are lots of ugly people in the world who have no problem in getting and maintaining relationships. The reason is because they go beyond physical attractiveness. They learn how to make friends and get along with people. They take responsibility for their own relationships.

There are lots of people who have handicaps worse than yours. Some people are blind, some are paraplegics and must live in a wheelchair. There are all sorts of physical handicaps, disabilities and inconveniences.
But, these physical things only restrict a relationship if you believe they will and if you let them.

There are lots of perfectly beautiful people who can't find lovers too.
Some people think they can't find a relationship because they are too beautiful.
If you don't want to have a relationship, you don't have to have one. It's always possible to find a good excuse not to do something.

In the end, physical things are easily overlooked.
Bad character is the ugliest thing a person can have.
 smalltowngirl0
Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 8
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:29:01 AM
ok op,
here is my thoughts on your question..
i work in the medical field, i am always sending up medical supplies to the wards on the hospital, and this does include those items.
on occasion, i will meet patients who wear a bag, it does not bother me, as i am rather clinical minded about such things.
others may not be.
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 9
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 6:01:26 AM
For me personally, I wouldn't do it because I'm shallow that way. There are many people who have no hang-ups and would just be able to see the beautiful person in her totality.
There is someone for everyone. I watch Discovery Health a lot and there are people in every sort of situation healthwise who are married.
You are a lovely woman. I'm sure there will be someone for you. POF is relentless and there are some regulars like myself on here, but there are many others who are new, just browsing, etc.
You have a good chance of meeting someone.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 10
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 6:07:07 AM
The only thing I can say is that you never know when you meet a person who really interest you, hits you in a special way......so, what really matters is how the first date went.

Here's honesty...I helped a "little person" woman out of her van and into her wheelchair...there was something about her, I can't describe it fully here...but a very rare thing, few, and I mean few, ever hit me that way....I was awestruck....I asked myself later, if I could date her, fall in love, etc...the answer was yes, but I was with someone at the time...so.

But if she simply had a profile on here and I didn't see her, etc.....I can honestly say, I would consider all the complications and possible limitations, etc....but knowing myself, if there were things in her profile that really hit home, who knows...finding someone real is hard for a man too, who is real.

But I think many people will tend to avoid others with complications, disabilities to where they feel it will hamper or limit what is considered a normal way of being, existing together, etc....and I can understand that especially if they can avoid it by merely not sending out an email....

But, everyones not like that.....my biggest concern would be her getting attached to me, because I chose not to let it be an issue with me, not because of who I am, or if I decided after a short time, the chemisty wasn't there, or we weren't right for each other, etc....she would take it personally because of her difficulty.
 SoftAndHappy
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 11
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 6:13:46 AM
My sister has one. She is getting married in a few weeks. She had it when she met her fiance... so... it happens! And no, because of my 'exposure' it wouldn't bother me at all.

That being said - it's the first thing out of your mouth on your profile. That to me says that YOU are bothered by it and that you let it define you. My advice would be to concentrate on who you are and maybe make mention of it at the end of your profile. To say "I am an illiostamate" (sp?) is different than saying "Due to health complications, I've had an illiostomy". Took me a sec to even figure out what an "illiostomate" was - even though I am very familiar with what an illiostomy is!

Don't let it define you. It's not all that limiting and it's not even that ugly. It's just an 'add-on', in my opinion.
 sunrayme
Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 12
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 6:53:54 AM
YOU define yourself by it ( your username, your profile, the fact that you volunteer that info to unknown people on the web).
I think of it as a more significant issue than having it per se.
 WasabiGal
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 13
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 7:08:28 AM
I'm sure if you have pursued the Forums for any time, you will see there are hundreds of posters complaining about being overlooked because they are fat, tall, short, thin, wear glasses, have short hair, have long hair, have no hair, don't have a job, don't have a "fancy" job, use a chair, have a dog, have a cat, have children, are female and over 40, are male and under 30....

and on and on it goes.... I think it's next to impossible to find a lasting relationship through Internet dating, but on occasion, it does happen

I think you might want to change your age restrictions....
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 14
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 7:40:57 AM
Jax, I agree that you may have a bigger issue with it than others and it does appear that you are defining yourself by it. In life, one's attitude is everything. I work with people who are quads/paras and when I am talking with some folks, I don't see the chair and with others it is larger than life and it has nothing to do with anything beyond their attitude about their need for the chair.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 15
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 7:53:25 AM
OP, I’m not going to judge you on your handle. I think you’re probably tired of starting an acquaintanceship with a guy only to have him head for the hills once you reveal your situation. If being upfront and laying your situation out on the table from the beginning is your plan of attack, then that’s what’s right for YOU!

As for your question, if I really had an outstanding connection with a man (and that’s what it will take for me to find my match), it wouldn’t bother me that he had a bag. Heck, I’m just an old bag myself.

My father had a colostomy and I would be damn proud to find anyone half as wonderful as he was.
 sunrayme
Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 16
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 1:01:05 PM
If the question is whether I would mind it if otherwise we got on really well the reply is no, I wouldn't mind I think.
If the question is whether I would be happy to be informed in the first message about this personal issue - no, I would not be happy to hear it and would lose the interest.
As said before, it is the attitude.
 jaxchick
Joined: 1/7/2010
Msg: 17
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/17/2010 1:30:23 AM
Thanks everyone that replied. It was good to hear that maybe if I changed the profile a bit, it would probably be different. It was just a question I put out there because of the questions and rejections that I seem to be receiving. I was wondering if there was someone with a bag that had found that disclosing the fact had changed the way people were responding to them (whether they disclosed before or after chatting online).

I have changed the profile to Friends because of other medical problems limiting my ability to fulfil a full relationship. Some of you are probably correct that it is MY problem or hangup, but I did want to be upfront with it so I did not have to introduce the fact after meeting someone and being rejected... I will think about this and change it more accordingly.

Many thanks again for being honest.
 cheaterj
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 18
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/17/2010 11:59:52 AM
Tough situation to deal with, but not an impossible one.
2 years ago I was faced with the prospect of becoming a lifelong 'ostomate' (didn't know it was a word, but can honestly say I would have never used it to describe myself). Admittedly the thought was not comforting and I knew that it would have made the difficult task of finding an acceptable 'soulmate' (another word I would never use to describe myself!), even more difficult. But you have to play the cards you are dealt and you have to accept yourself for who you are now and know and accept your 'limitations'.

I'm going to be pre-emptive here and state anyone who preaches that the only limitations are the ones you create in your mind, are full of it. But I will also add that limitations don't stop your life; they just alter it and sometimes for the better.

Would I voluntarily sign up for cancer again? Hell no. Did cancer make my life worse? Hell no. It made it better, certainly not physically but mentally/emotionally. I consider myself the luckiest man on earth. Kinda wish I got it sooner.

Would your bag turn me off? No. The fact that you define yourself by it, would. When would I like to know about it? Not before I met you face-t0-face. And not just over coffee. But certainly the next date. What gives me most pause about your profile? Your lack of income. (might be circumstantial and temporary but I wouldn't give you a second look. Perhaps leave it blank on your profile and then state temporary explanation via email or over coffee)

It'll all work itself out fine, jax. Life is like that. Hang in there. Godspeed.
 verityone
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 19
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/17/2010 2:09:58 PM
Just remember that PoF ain't so much a pond as much as it is a puddle...in depth for sure. Just means you'll have to seek harder and longer than most would, that's all.

I have to agree.
IMO, by and large, most people on an online dating site, are seeking a specific, "ideal".
Even though I don't pursue online dating anymore, I do fall into the category of people who are seeking a specific "ideal", and I'm probably more rigid about it, than most.

I have changed the profile to Friends because of other medical problems limiting my ability to fulfil a full relationship. Some of you are probably correct that it is MY problem or hangup, but I did want to be upfront with it so I did not have to introduce the fact after meeting someone and being rejected...

In a case like yours, disclosing that in your profile would be the best way to minimize your negative experiences, and maximize your positive experiences using an online dating database.
There may be men out there who have some type of medical issue that makes it hard to date for them. They may be more inclined to contact you, since you would be much more likely to sympathize.
In this regard, you may actually have more odds of success, due to your particular circumstances.

Best of luck to you.

I admire your courage.
 Calientecutie
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 20
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/17/2010 2:12:46 PM
people are different...it is difficult...but you do have a disability and the person in your life will have to understand...it is not for everybody...good luck
 iTsMeJuLi
Joined: 10/27/2008
Msg: 21
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/17/2010 2:25:31 PM
I don't understand why you are divulging this information before even meeting a man.

If you met a man in a public place and started chatting would you bring this up? I certainly wouldn't. By being upfront about it I think you're eliminating yourself from potential suitors by scaring them off before they get a chance to get to know you. Most people don't know what an ostomy is.

Someone who truly appreciates you will see past the ostomy and be with you for who you are.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 22
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/20/2010 12:03:12 PM
^^^^ usually when I don't know what something means
(and I think it's something worthwhile and isn't some sort
of joke) I look it up.
Google is your friend.
You're hilarious.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 23
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/20/2010 1:43:10 PM
^^^^^^^^
I'm sorry...I thought you would get the sarcasm.
I guess not.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 24
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Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/20/2010 1:48:22 PM
Jax, I don't know as I'd slap that label on anyone I cared about, or myself. I loved, lived with, and adored a man who was a cancer survivor, and had a colostomy. It affected both of our lives, but not that much. It wasn't the cancer that killed him, rather the side effects of the treatments to beat the cancer (nine years down the road).

I wouldn't put it in my profile, but I would be ready to disclose early. I understand perfectly the potential for hurt, but you need to understand that if it's an issue for another, that is *their* bag, not yours.

Chin up sweetie ~~ lots of shallow Hals and gals in this world, but no great loss, eh? It is possible to find love with or without challenges.

Good luck!
 widowsdesire
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 25
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/20/2010 8:14:44 PM
My husband had a colostomy. He had Crohn's disease and had the surgery at the age of 36. Shortly after the surgery he attempted suicide because he was depressed and afraid no one would ever love him because he was now "deformed."

Being trained in medicine, when I met him it was not a big deal to me. He did not tell me of the ostomy. He told me about his Crohn's disease, and the first time we cuddled
fully clothed, when I put my arm around him I heard the crinckle of the pastic bag and asked him if he had an ostomy. When he said yes, I just kind of took it in stride.

He was intelligent, funny, caring, and our personalitites meshed well. We enjoyed being with each other. I viewed him as a man, not an appliance. We went on to fall in love, were engaged and married within the year.

Your having an ostomy is not who you are. Yes, some people will judge you and not want to be involved because they do not want to be bothered. But there are people out there who will see you and all the lovely qualities you possess, and it will not matter.

This is a private issue. Get to know someone and take your time. If everything else clicks, you will have to have the discussion before you cross the line and become intimate. If they care you YOU, and are not just looking for no strings sex, it will not make a difference. The same thing applies to women who have had mastectomies for cancer, even if they had reconstructive surgery. This is not the kind of information you share on a first date or in a profile.

I wish you the best.
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