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 everafter1
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 1
How do know if a guy is serious?Page 1 of 1    
Ok so i have dated a few guys from this site and two i really liked. I am a one man women and so only date one guy at a time. Both of the guys i liked hurt me. They lied to get what they wanted. One was cheating on me, saying he was only seeing me but i found out he was seeing multiple people. It hurt i ended it. I then dated this other guy and after a month of spending alot of time together, i slept with him. Then he stopped contact with me. Both of these men still use this site. So what gives? were they just looking for the next sexual encounter? are there are real, honest men on this site? and if so, how do i tell the difference? I am close to giving up
 SoftAndHappy
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 2
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:25:58 PM
Meet some of their friends or family before you sleep with them. Cheater guy would not have introduced you to them. Houdini would likely not have introduced you.

When a guy starts introducing you into their life, that is when they are serious.
 everafter1
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 3
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:27:53 PM
You are right, they talked about it but it never happened
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 4
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:32:59 PM
everafter...

sorry sweetie but you can never tell if a guy OR girl is serious..before OR after you have sex with them

its just the chance you have to take.

i mean you could make it your rule that no one sleeps with you for lets say 3 months or whatever, but trust me- you'll even have good guys that WON"T leave you after sleeping with you the first time that will think you're screwing someone else and won't wait around for 3 months.

its just part of the game- as they say, don't hate the playa, hate the game.

all you can do is accept at some level that this is part of the game- so maybe you hold your heart back a little bit until after you sleep with a man and he still contacts you.

OR

abstinence till marriage...
 deborah815
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 5
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How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:33:07 PM
SoftAndHappy gives excellent advice. I wish I had taken it about a year ago! Seriously, take your time with someone before getting intimate and see whether they want to introduce you to friends and family. You don't want to get hurt again.
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 6
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How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:33:17 PM
Well, in your profile you have, "Just looking for someone to have fun with " and you also have, "dating" instead of "long term relationship". I think it is pretty clear they were not expecting anything too serious. It sounds to me like you want a long term relationship instead of dating and fun. I think you have to change your profile and specifically say what you want. IMO.
 Thesumofallparts
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 7
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:36:07 PM
Here's the deal:
Sex is very important to a guy, and not making women upset is also important (thanks mom!). So, a guy will lie to obtain sex and keep you from getting pissed about it, as guy #1 did.
Guy #2 got some a$$ from you, and clearly, you two were not on the same page in terms of your relationship. He got laid and maybe the sex wasn't good from his perspective, maybe he just wanted to score and realized he didn't like you as much as he thought he did... who knows?
In our age range, you're going to come across immature guys who will lie to you and are only looking for some pvssy. It's just a fact. You could try dating older guys, but many of them are only looking for pvssy and will use their maturity to fool you into giving it up.

Your best bet is to:
1) Raise your confidence and self esteem. Your relationships have had cheating in them. Common denominator? You. Love yourself and maybe you'll find a guy who won't cheat on you that isn't much older.
2) Raise the standards of the guys you date. Just because you "like him" doesn't mean you should knock boots with him. Be more careful and just date better guys!

Not all of us in this age range are immature a$$holes, OP. Raise your personal standards as well as those of the guys you date, and things might turn around for you.

On the other hand, we all end up with a$$clowns in the dating game, just gotta keep on keepin on, and use protection!
 I Cornelius
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 8
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How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:36:53 PM
I only date one at a time, myself... and if I dig who I'm seeing I tend to stay with her. I have never been emotionally wired to just lick multiple people until they stick (erm... excuse the metaphor).

What I'm saying is, dudes like me are out there. Sure, they may be butt ugly and smell of maple syrup all the time, but they are out there. Heck, a few of them may even be attractive to you. I have enough (and by "enough" I actually mean "only") female friends in my life to know that, for some odd reason, there is a "dating cycle." Sometime a gal dates "liar" after "liar", "creep" after "creep" and sometimes a gal dates "nice guy with no spark" after "nice guy with no spark." It's is rarely "perfect guy for me with zowie" after "perfect guy for me with zowie."

That's why it's such a task finding that guy. It's actually a good mix of nice guys and creeps out there... the problem is in finding that nice guy or creep that suits you.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:38:28 PM
There's never been any SIMPLE way to be sure someone is both truthful AND knows themselves well enough to predict how things will go. There have always been men AND women who claim they want long term, romantic relationships, but actually want something else, be it short term sex, or money, or revenge, or whatever.
In your particular two instances, you had one lying "player," and one guy who you don't KNOW what he was about, since he ended contact. The second guy might be another sex hunter, or he might just be a guy who was too embarrassed to say to your face that after having sex with you, he doesn't want to see you anymore. I mean no insult by that, I'm just pointing out the logic.
Yes, there are real, honest people everywhere, including on this site. It's up to each person (this means you) to figure out for themselves where to draw the lines, how soon to move to a sexual level with someone, and what to risk. You can read in the forums all kinds of tips from others (search on Red Flags) that might, or might not help you, since each person has different things that bother them.
I believe that to some extent, you simply have to take risks. I find that if I watch myself, and make sure at each decision point I reach that I am making my decision based on what I actually know, and not on what I HOPE is true, that things tend to go well. Most of the time when someone fools me, it is because I helped them to do so by being so eager to get what I wanted, that I ignored my own instincts and resolutions.
 everafter1
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 10
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:46:12 PM
Thank you everyone, your replies are really helping. I think i like to think i am not looking for long term, but maybe i am. I just do not want to end up with someone whos with me just because they want someone/anyone. I guess thats normal. I think there was red flags with both of them. With the second guy on the first date, i saw red flags, he talked about his ex alot and i had the feeling he wasn't serious, but i was too afraid of rejection to ask. Also i thought i might be wrong and so i should give it a chance. Didn't work out so well. My life has been like this for the last five years, turned to internet dating because i thought i would find people who wouldn't do that some of thing. How naive
 Heptone
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 11
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:57:25 PM
You're 25. Giving up is not an option.

I think you really pegged it on your second post, OP. You can't invent radar to find the serious men, but you can redirect your own life and take it more seriously ... and you'll find that weeds out non-serious guys by itself. To a point. Anyone can get taken in, but you become a better judge of folks as you get older.

In your second thread you said you ignored red flags. Well, believe in yourself. Those communications we get on a gut level are very real. They're more reliable than the brain and far more reliable than the heart in my opinion.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 12
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 4:15:22 PM
So what gives? were they just looking for the next sexual encounter? are there are real, honest men on this site? and if so, how do i tell the difference? I am close to giving up

I don't know what gives, but you put yourself out there and you lost to these guys. they probably were looking just to hookup. Yeah there are honest men, you can't give up though. I don't if there is ways to tell if they are real, except you paying close attention. Good Luck.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 13
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:11:11 PM
instead of being so worried about giving it up and then getting dumped which is just an ego thing...think about what your goal is and how to achieve it...if you want to get married ...figure out a subtle way of discovering if he is serious and move on if he isn't...asking questions will probably work some...just ask ...are you ready to settle down tomorrow if you found the right one...does he at least sound sincere when he answers....if he seems to be enjoying the single life way too much he probably isn't ready to settle down....
 ForumFlounder
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 14
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:20:22 PM

you can never tell if a guy OR girl is serious..before OR after you have sex with them

its just the chance you have to take.

i mean you could make it your rule that no one sleeps with you for lets say 3 months or whatever, but trust me- you'll even have good guys that WON"T leave you after sleeping with you the first time that will think you're screwing someone else and won't wait around for 3 months.


I agree with this.

I also think that there are, however, precautions you can do take to lessen your risks of being strung along.

OP from your post it seems like you perhaps have a tendency to take rather easily ppl's words than observing what their actions dictate.

Try the latter next time. Observe how he behaves around you and others rather than just taking mere words from his mouth for it. Does his actions match his words? Observe many instances not just one. Does he call you when he says he will? Does he remember things you talked about? (not like B-dates anniversaries and what not yet but general "getting to know you stuff" that the both of you have chatted about).

Take as much time as you need to create enough trust and bond BEFORE you decide to get naked with him. Make it clear to him that is where you stand and stick to your guns about it. If he does not want to stick around to have that established before getting in bed with you then it is obvious already what he is interested (or not interested) in from you.

Again even after the above has been established -- nothing is for certain. Like someone mentioned above, relationships and love in itself are all about risks. You just try to be as sensible about it as you can but there is and never will be any guarantees. This doesn't mean all hope is lost to find something true, just be sensible and don't act on your emotions alone.
 See N Date hahaha
Joined: 12/30/2009
Msg: 15
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:57:34 PM
Why everyone is in such a hurry to jump in the sack is beyond me... all i read here is how the women wonder why the guys cut bait and run after having sex... wise up ladies if you want a guy who is only interested in sex that is what you are going to find... if you want a real relationship then set your standards, give some thought to your goals and write a profile that is longer than a drive through introduction...
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 16
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How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:58:51 PM
You can tell a guy is *not* serious if he talks about you meeting his friends or family but it doesn't happen. Wait until it does before getting too attached to him. If he's really interested, he'll gradually be including you in aspects of his life not just talking about including you. He'll invite you to visit him (after a reasonable time of getting to know each other) and you will see his home and circumstances. He won't just be talking about a future together, he'll be making it happen by including you. Quite frankly, it doesn't mean a thing if a guy says how much he loves you/wants to be with you/cares about you. It doesn't mean he actually does. It might mean he wants to satisfy his curiosity about what you're like in bed. Talk is cheap - actions are much more reliable indicators.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 17
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How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 6:09:37 PM
Igor gave good advice, ehh...I both agree and disagree with the sex part of it.

I don't think that for those who are serious that whether sex "happens" or not is definitive. Then again, I'm not the most qualified to answer that.

Let's just take it out of a sexual context and say that being honest about boundaries, that takes care of a lot of BS. It's not my topic and it's personal, I will say that for me it's about my personal comfort zone, and about theirs. And I'm vocal, so when someone steps over my own, I say so and explain it. Do I lose some...yeah...I don't consider it a loss and always wish them well.

We are talking about the potential possibility of the closest, most intimate relationship so if there's not mutual comfort...then it's over before it starts. Many do allow those to be violated, and that's the reason there are so many threads...or at least one. I don't get it, but don't need to I only need to figure it out for myself and I have. If I'm not comfortable emailing, talking to someone on the phone, then why the heck would I want to meet them? I'll cut some slack, I do communicate but if they don't pay attention to that or respond...then it's a done deal.

And yeah, I'm not blind or a prude, it doesn't matter how handsome they are, because that doesn't do it for me. I've dated plenty of pretty boys.....not for long, with few exceptions, that was what they were about. With me, that doesn't last.

There are no guarantees, you have to get a perspective that works for you and sift through the chaff and know what it is you really want and what's most important. It's what everyone has to do, so noone here can tell you if this man is serious or not. We haven't talked to him, I know you're looking for some direction, and I'm giving you the best I can to know that can only come from you. It always will, so shut out the white noise of everyone else's blah blah...figure out what's most important for you and your happiness. And never let anyone detract you from that.
 pirateheaven
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 18
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How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 6:22:00 PM

are there are real, honest men on this site? and if so, how do i tell the difference? I am close to giving up


Start dating Republicans!
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 19
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 7:59:54 PM
How do you know if a guy is serious?

His talk equals his actions. Really simple.

OP the one guy wasn't faithful and the other dumped you after sleepign with you I didn't hear exclusivity there. So not seeing where he lied to you.


Both of these men still use this site. So what gives?

Why shouldn't they be? You are, no biggie.


So what gives? were they just looking for the next sexual encounter?

Since you chose to date them, I think this question should have been asked to them. There is no way on God's Green Earth we can answer this we haven't dated them nor do we know you or what transpired in your relationships.


honest men on this site? and if so, how do i tell the difference?

You met 2 out of literally thousands of men out here on the net. Of course there is, I believe there are just as many honest men as there are women.

How do you tell the difference like I said in my opening statement.

When their actions equal their words. Also time will tell in all things..
 mrmarc77
Joined: 3/8/2009
Msg: 20
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 8:49:03 PM
Thats what is sad abou this site....there are guys on here that play the gae just to get laid. Unfortunatly it is really hard to tell if he is playing you. It makes me mad cause I know a lot of you yong womenhave been plyed and they do not trust guys anymore which in end makes me look bad. If i had the scert o letting all of youknow what guys do I would tell you> Itink to answer your question, you would have to go with your gut. I can tell you this much, if he likes ou he would never push for sex. even if it took 3 months, he would not push it cause then when it happens it means something to him. if i cananswer anything else or at leat try send me a message, i would love t stop these creeps from doing it or getting the chance to do it.
 TheNewDeal
Joined: 12/13/2009
Msg: 21
How do know if a guy is serious?
Posted: 1/11/2010 9:11:34 PM
OP, how do WE as readers know YOU are serious? Do you have a gold star on your profile? By your admission you dumped two guys. Why didn't you keep them in your life? I mean, you had their phone number, I hope you KNEW where they lived, why did you give up on them? Did you EVER tell them how you felt, or what kind of relationship you wanted, or did you just "see what happens" and then blame everyone else when you're not happy?
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